A new patio has arrived. I did not order it.

[FFSThisIsTheLastStraw]

DH did. He didn't tell me. I've woken up to find builders in my garden. DH has £30k of personal debt, doesn't share with me how much he is earning (self-employed) or let me see any bank statements, and has let me be the main breadwinner, in fact sole breadwinner, for most of the marriage. I should add he has ADHD. We are already living beyond our means.

I am beyond furious. He thinks he's done a nice thing (we really did need a new patio). I have no idea where the money is coming from. I spend my time trying to be frugal and he goes and buys himself nice clothes, gadgets and a fucking patio.

I have to get kids to school now and then work, so may not reply for a while. But I had to get that out of my system as I can't have the conversation with him while our child is around.

When the bailiff comes round unless you have receipts in your name to prove you bought the items/cars etc then they are considered fair game to be sold to pay off your husbands debts.

So yes it will impact you.

If you can be shown to have benefited from debt in your spouse's name, then you can be held liable for it. Patio = liable. Snazzy motorbike only he can ride = not liable.

@FFSThisIsTheLastStraw please don’t be like my cousin. She ended up bankrupt and homeless because her ex ran up such huge debts. Even 20 years later she has not been able to buy another property. If I were you I would be contacting a divorce lawyer today.

Homeowners cannot just ignore their debts as they have an asset.
I would be checking land registry to see if any debts have put a charge on the house that you jointly own.

Although legally you are not liable while married if you get divorced then his debts go in the pot along with any assets, as someone else above pointed out, she was liable for 50% of the debts.

Are all the utility bills in your name?
I would make sure they are just in case he hasnt paid them and there are further consequences.

See if they will bury him under it

😂

[quote Silentplikebath]@FFSThisIsTheLastStraw please don’t be like my cousin. She ended up bankrupt and homeless because her ex ran up such huge debts. Even 20 years later she has not been able to buy another property. If I were you I would be contacting a divorce lawyer today.[/quote]
My SIL was the same . They lost their family home when they were in their 50s because BIL used it to secure business debt. They would still be in a rented flat now in retirement except that their adult children got together and bought them a house in the kids’ names.

But not everyone’s kids are able or willing to do that. Especially as their business went to the wall because he was taking too much money out to run his BMW and fund their second home abroad.

So the cards weren’t linked to you in any way? I get confused about this.

I thought you at least had to be named as joint cardholder to be liable.

My name wasn't on any of the cards or loans. I had no access to them. Didn't even know about half of them! As we were married I was liable for half the debt and that was my solicitor that told me that. Unless I could prove that I'd not benefitted from the money. Which I couldn't do.

Apparently he is buying the patio. With his money

What money?

@LolalovesLondon

This is utter scaremongering. You can’t be held liable for your spouse’s debts just because you are married.

It can affect credit ratings for your home address.

"Addresses" don't have poor credit ratings - however "financially linked persons" can positively or negatively impact your own rating.

Why are you with this idiot? Please don’t blame him having ADHD, he’s an adult and he can understand finances, either sit him down for a serious chat or throw him out, I would not live like this.

How could you be a doormat for so long? Letting yourself be the sole provider for household expenses? Honestly I think I'd have been gone by a long shot!

The fact that you don’t know each other’s finances and major decisions like this happen with no discussion would be the need of the marriage for me I’m afraid. How can you live with someone who won’t tell you how much they earn?

You’ll still be the bread winner when you divorce and they’ll be more income forced from him so you might be better off

What field does he work in and how much roughly does he earn a year?

If you’ve mainly been the sole breadwinner, he’s more of a cock lodger than a husband. You’ve basically bankrolled him for the whole marriage while he has not got off his arse to get a job that pays the bills. And runs up debt instead.

@WitchOfTheWest

So the cards weren’t linked to you in any way? I get confused about this.

I thought you at least had to be named as joint cardholder to be liable.

My name wasn't on any of the cards or loans. I had no access to them. Didn't even know about half of them! As we were married I was liable for half the debt and that was my solicitor that told me that. Unless I could prove that I'd not benefitted from the money. Which I couldn't do.

Gosh, that’s awful, I feel for you.

Apparently he is buying the patio. With his money. I don't have to worry about it. Won't tell me anymore than that, other than I apparently have to stop being so angry the whole time. He's cant see the problem with the debt (he's been 'actively' ignoring it for years, having read all the advice on debt websites).

1. He is telling you that you have no right to be consulted in major financial purchases
2. He is gaslighting you in saying you have no right to be angry and should be grateful for the patio. Thats manipulative.
3. He is not respecting you or your option.
4. He is saying you do not have an equal partnership within the marriage
5. He is saying he does not trust you enough to share his financial position and is clearly hiding something, which since you are in a marriage, YOU will ultimately have to deal with if you are living beyond your means regardless of who is paying for it.
6. If you are married there is no such thing as having separate finances for this reason. You may not ultimately be liable for debt if you split, but you will be indirectly if you continue to be married.

You have to make a decision on this basis. Do you
a) Accept the debt AND ALL FUTURE SITATIONS LIKE THIS - which WILL happen if you accept his assetion that its not your problem and that you have no right to see his finances - and continue the marriage as it stands.
b) Make it clear that you are liable for the debt indirectly even if he pays for it because you are married. You therefore MUST address ALL finances that you BOTH have or the marriage is over.

There isn't an alternative unfortunately.

If you let this one go, you are making an active choice about your future and give him free licence to spend whatever he wants without thought even if that has a negative effect on you.

For me the lack of respect and the fact that he doesn't see you as a partner with whom to make big decisions with, is the deal breaker. Its not purely about the money alone. Its the fact he's running rough shot over you and gaslighting you by saying you have no right to be angry.

He's trying to play the good guy and make you out as the bad guy - thats abusive.

I’m afraid what Red said spot on. I think he somehow sees you as ‘less’ than him. How embarrassing for you, and sad OP.

I would strongly suggest seeing a solicitor to see where you stand financially and in terms of any possible ending of your marriage, id do it pronto, before you do anything else in fact. Knowledge is power. ....

@PicsInRed "Addresses" don't have poor credit ratings - however "financially linked persons" can positively or negatively impact your own rating.

Very true. I can easily get credit for a lot of things and yet my earnings are £0. And I tell them as much,
I get child benefit but I'm a SAHM and DH, who isn't applying for the credit nor named on it, is the breadwinner. Not that I run up debt or anything but I've got the kids mobile contracts on mine and a catalogue that I and DH get the Christmas presents from. I think it would be a no if DH wasn't linked to me.

I think you need to seek legal advice about what the impact of his spending can do to you, regardless of how you tackle his behaviour. Even if it is financial illiteracy that is the cause, or someone who just runs away from things.

He'd qualify to replace Rishi Sunak as Chancellor though.

My ex used to do stuff like this. Also ADHD/ASD. He once "bought" men a new car until I found the payments had been set up in my bank account. He bought a 20k motorbike and hid it. I could go on and on and on. It was utterly draining. We are now divorced and I wouldn't go near anybody who behaved like that again. I think you need to consider how much more of this you can take and the impact on the children. I'm sorry you're going through this.

Me not men 🙄

This is absolutely terrible

We've just had a new patio and it cost nearly £10k, was months in the planning and is probably the biggest joint decision we've made since buying our house 3 years ago.

I could not forgive DH if he did something that huge and that expensive without me!

This is horrific. I couldn't put up with it.

I just want to add - we could comfortably afford to do something like put in a new patio. DH could do it from savings. But we would still discuss it, because it’s money that could go on something else, and because it’s major works to the house we both own. There’s no way he would do something like this without discussion. So it’s not really about the money, or whether you can afford it (although I appreciate that makes it all more complicated), it’s about whether or not you are an equal partnership. If he fundamentally doesn’t believe you get a say in major changes to the house that you own, then that’s grounds for divorce IMO.

ADHD is no excuse. My son has ADHD and would never do anything like this. I thinkhink I would have sent them away and cancelled the patio. I could just not live like this. If you are married any debt is joint debt no matter who caused it. I would give him ultimatum, either he goes for debt counseling or he must leave. I think the CAB have debt counselors. He is way out of order and putting all of your future in jeopardy.