A new patio has arrived. I did not order it.

[FFSThisIsTheLastStraw]

DH did. He didn't tell me. I've woken up to find builders in my garden. DH has £30k of personal debt, doesn't share with me how much he is earning (self-employed) or let me see any bank statements, and has let me be the main breadwinner, in fact sole breadwinner, for most of the marriage. I should add he has ADHD. We are already living beyond our means.

I am beyond furious. He thinks he's done a nice thing (we really did need a new patio). I have no idea where the money is coming from. I spend my time trying to be frugal and he goes and buys himself nice clothes, gadgets and a fucking patio.

I have to get kids to school now and then work, so may not reply for a while. But I had to get that out of my system as I can't have the conversation with him while our child is around.

Please get a bank account in your own name and don’t let him have access.

blimey, OP. When he comes home show him the bit where he's going.
What PP said - extricate yourself carefully and financially from him. Then when you have separated all your finances, put the house on the market and leave him. You can have a relationship with him if you want, but you shouldn't be married to such a tosser, for the sake of your children.

Oh love, I too would be beyond furious. ☹️

Is it a gold plated patio, £30k sounds a huge amount of money for this? Are they even reputable builders, or is he being scammed to add to your troubles?

I also wouldn't let him hide behind the builders or the children being there, so cowardly of him, I'd be giving it to him with both barrels. 😡

Please don't let this be the template for the rest of your life, things will only get worse. You need your affairs, and preferably your life, separating from this man's. Good luck and have a handhold. YADNBU.💐

@LolalovesLondon

This is utter scaremongering. You can’t be held liable for your spouse’s debts just because you are married.

It can affect credit ratings for your home address.

Complete bollocks.

It will affect the OP's rating if they are financially linked, but not just because they live at the same address.

Oops sorry, just seen that's not the cost of the patio so scrub that. (Blush). The other points remain the same however. ☹️

Is it a gold plated patio, £30k sounds a huge amount of money for this?

The patio is not costing £30k! That's the amount of debt the DH has.

X post 😂

I think the personal debt is £30k, not the patio.

Although it wouldn’t be hard to spunk £30k on a garden.

This is completely unacceptable, and his reaction would be the end for me. He sounds like a dick, which is nothing to do with his diagnosis. He's just a selfish dick.

its really not going to put the value up by that much op-and dpeending o how much it cost in the first place wont make a difference

the real problem is the secrecy and debts he has a problem that he isnt willing to sort out which will affect your family

I suspect I have inattentive ADHD, which is a little different, but I know that I’m very impulsive. I do order things online without thinking it through at times. But.....a patio? It’s not like you just click “buy now”. Presumably he got quotes from builders, agreed on the design, chose who to hire and scheduled the works. That’s multiple stages to go through without ever mentioning it to the wife who will be living with the works, and the new patio, and the financial mess.

So I’m not sure how much adhd has to do with it tbh. He might just be a tosser.

Either way, you can’t live like this,

You must put a stop to this and now.

Tell him he had better produce all his statements, earning, debts, accounts, everything by the time you get home from work or the marriage is over.

ADHD has fuck all to do with any of this.

And why if he really isn't working or contributing anything, isn't he getting the DC ready and taking them to school.

Where is he getting money from? Does he have access to the money you earn?

Complete transparency or the marriage is over.

I have a family member with like this. Constant debt, grandiose gestures, totally out of touch with reality, anger if anyone points it out. In the end he left because he couldn't cope with having the truth pointed out, found someone else and is now expecting the family home to be sold to give him mega money! People like this don't suddenly grow up to become sensible.

I quite literally couldn't live like this. We've just had our garden done over this summer, so I know how much flags alone cost, never mind the labour.

You need to sit him down and talk to him about money. Say that it's not fair on you for him to be getting into debt, as it may be down to you to fix in the end.

Make sure he pays his FAIR share for the running of the house and bills etc. If he's willing to buy all this crap he obviously feels he has money to burn.

If he has money for a patio, I'm assuming he has money to contribute more to family finances so you don't have to be the main breadwinner any more?

There's clearly a huge problem here if his finances are secret and you're funding the family's day to day existence. I'm not sure that this is something I could live with.

Your DH is dishonest and disrespectful and is endangering the financial security of his family. I think any one of these issues is a deal breaker, three of them is a no brainier - you need to free yourself of this relationship OP.

Ugh when people have huge amounts of debt then say they are paying for something 'themselves' when questioned by a spouse... he is NOT paying for it himself, he is spending money he could be spending paying back the debt therefore increasing his debt.

I would be absolutely furious OP and not sure I could get past it with his history to be honest.

The fact you're the breadwinner yet he won't disclose his salary... he sounds like a 'what's yours is ours and whats mine is mine' kind of person.

I'm sorry but I really would be seeking legal advice as debts in a marriage can be an absolute minefield and with the information you've given (such as his lack of transparency re salary and ordering something so expensive without telling you) I would be very surprised if he doesn't have more debt that you don't know about yet.

my husband did something like this once - grandiose gesture - though we weren't in debt. he wanted to be a philanthropist but we aren't Bill Gates.

I think you need to do the things you would do if you were planning to divorce. So solicitors, financial advisors, etc. Once you are prepared, your head will be that little bit clearer. If it was me, I would do that before delivering any ultimatum, because then I'd have a clear answer to the "What if he says no?" question in my head....

good luck and thanks for tolerating the dark humour re buying himself a bloody patio...

Apparently he is buying the patio. With his money. I don't have to worry about it. Won't tell me anymore than that, other than I apparently have to stop being so angry the whole time

If he has money for a patio and to service a £30k debt then he obviously has money to start paying more into the household finances.

Honestly life is too short for this crap.

Also you wouldn’t be so angry if he was more open with his finances

This is utter scaremongering. You can’t be held liable for your spouse’s debts just because you are married

Yes you can! I learnt that the hard way. When I finally divorced the fucker I lost my share of the house equity to cover debts I didn't even run up! I had no access to the credit cards, loans or massive unauthorised overdraft but got stung for 50%!

OP, have you checked your own credit score and credit report?

If not, I think you should do so. The Money Advice Service has clear information on doing so here www.moneyadviceservice.org.uk/en/articles/how-to-check-your-credit-report

@WitchOfTheWest

This is utter scaremongering. You can’t be held liable for your spouse’s debts just because you are married

Yes you can! I learnt that the hard way. When I finally divorced the fucker I lost my share of the house equity to cover debts I didn't even run up! I had no access to the credit cards, loans or massive unauthorised overdraft but got stung for 50%!

So the cards weren’t linked to you in any way? I get confused about this.

I thought you at least had to be named as joint cardholder to be liable.