Husband has left for another woman after 20+ years together

[CluelessnotShoeless]

I've lurked on the relationship boards over the years and read other people's stories about their husbands leaving after having an affair, thought how terrible it must be for them but never thought it would be me.

In August my husband told me that he was in love with someone else and clearly wanted to leave. After a few weeks at home he left for her. We have two children, one with additional needs. Although I can now see signs that he was distracted in the last few months before he told me it was a massive shock - I had no idea. I'd always felt confident in his love for me. In fact over the last few years he had acted more devoted but he now claims that he was trying to make things right in our marriage despite his feelings of unhappiness. I don't know what to believe - we've had a tough few years. It's frustrating because I also believed we got on really well but apparently it was nothing like the deep connection he has with his new girlfriend.

I have started divorce proceedings as there seems to be no other option. I am completely financially dependent on him too as gave up work a couple of years ago to focus on our youngest daughter. We are not telling the children the real reason for our splitting up. We have softened the blow to them by saying that we will still do things together as a family and I think that's the right thing for them. He has babysat for me a few times so I could meet friends.

About 12 years ago I left him as his addictions were getting out of control. He turned that around and I stayed with him but he put me through a lot and did some terrible things. I forgave him. I wish I hadn't.

I just feel terrible a lot of the time with only brief periods of thinking I'm better without him. I can't seem to think about anything else. I need to talk through my feelings obsessively and although it helps at the time, it doesn't last long before my feelings build up again. I can't reconcile who I thought he was with his actions, except I can because he has shown self-destructive tendencies in the past. I'm bored with my thoughts but can't stop them. The lockdown makes it worse as I feel so isolated.

I think what I need to hear is that it will get better and how long it will take. Please, if anyone has been in my situation, please share how you moved on and got past it.

@Whydidimarryhim you are also right about protecting the children. My eldest knows he’s an alcoholic but doesn’t fully understand the implications as she’s never seen it in her lifetime.

Unfortunately I can’t trust him to have the children on his own so he needs to see him at the house.

But get this - I asked him to not come tomorrow as usual because I need some time. He said fine but still wants to text tomorrow to check in. Honestly, if he could, he would have her as a girlfriend and me as mother of children & good friend. One of the things I said recently is that once this is done, ie divorce, then we won’t be friends. He was drunk when it happened but he started crying.

I need to thank all who have commented on this thread. It helps.

'he wants to text tomorrow to check in'

Mine is like this. And he's got a girlfriend. It's like er you want me AND the new girlfriend . It's peculiar. I'm told that he can't actually handle a clean break because he would have to face himself, and he can't. He would have to own his decision. He still wants a link because he can't face what he's done. But he has to?! I have to actively do what I can this end to live my life with our children. Like remind myself daily. He's got no sense of appropriate boundaries

Well I’m definitely clearer headed today after speaking to a few people. Possibly OW spoke out of desperation because at that point she thought she’d ‘lost’.

Either way this is my current thinking. I could have done another alcohol recovery and I could have done an affair recovery. But to do both is beyond me. So he’s made his choice but I have to accept that I’m better off without him. So painful though.

I just watched this interview on Instagram - The Family Lawyer - an interview with a comedian I follow and it's really good - she talks very honestly about divorce and separation, particularly during the pandemic but is moving to a much more positive place in her life. For the sake of her children she doesn't talk about why her husband left, but for her it was totally out of the blue.

The best phrase from the interview was when someone told her "Remember - you get to wake up everyday as you (i.e. fabulous, caring person that hasn't done anything wrong). He gets to wake up as him (i.e. total dickwad that walked out of the family home).

P.S. comes with a bit of a language warning, so perhaps don't watch with any innocent ears listening in!

So still reeling today at the weekend’s events and what I’ve learnt. I know there will be some kind of rewriting of history but to think she was always there. H told me at the weekend (drunk) that he’d been in love with her for years and that she’d been supporting his emotional needs for more than 7 years - so an emotional affair all that time?? Why didn’t he speak to me? He really is obsessed with her too.

And during our (fueled by drink) talks about reconciliation he denigrated me & praised her. It’s so fucked up.

We had a much calmer chat earlier today. He is sober, apologetic about what he’s done. Says he’s been miserable for months as he knew what he was doing would hurt so many people. My view is that he’s still doing it so isn’t sorry enough.

So outing but what the heck.

This is what I’m trying to process:

According to OW our engagement happened 2 weeks after hers in direct response. He denied this.

He was thinking of her on our wedding day. No denial forthcoming for that one. In his speech he told everyone how much he loved me.

She has supported him emotionally for the last 7 years, advised him on how to fix his marriage and backed away many times while he pursued her.

Feels like my whole marriage and therefore most of my life was based on quicksand.

I spoke to H yesterday and he said that our marriage did work for a long time but it feels like it only ‘worked’ during the years he was pissed which doesn’t make me feel great, as if I was only good enough then. I truly believed he loved me for all of our relationship until 4 months ago.

I have no idea how to take these thoughts forward & feel a bit desperate.

I have my theories about tosser like him. You have a child with additional needs and gave up work to care for them. You dared to give more attention to your child than him. He wanted attention lavished on him because he has a massive ego and the emotional maturity of a toddler so he had an affair.

I am sorry you are going through this. You'll survive. Who knows if he will be happier, long term. Make sure he takes his full share of responsibility for the children and meets all the costs of the home if you can't work because you are caring for his child. If he tries to be a tosser about this, ask him to fund a nanny who can meet her needs while you get a foot back in the workplace. Not fund half the cost, the whole cost, as your earning power will have taken a hit because of your joint agreement that you would be her primary carer. He'll soon see how expensive nannies are and realise the way you are now is better.

But if you can, allow him to have the DC at his place. It will be a reality check for him. They will need his attention. He can't play young love when two children are clamouring for him. That's real life. Why let him have an idealised version?

Also, that he’d know I loved him as much as I did and, if he had, he wouldn’t have done it. But this is cold comfort now. If he’d spoken openly to me I could have taken action and prevented this maybe?

Please recognise this for the arrant bollocks that it is. It translates as: If only you had paid more attention to meeeee we wouldn't be in this tragic shit.

He's an alcoholic, philandering egotist. He needs to grow up and care for his children 50% of the time - at the very least have them each weekend while you get your life back on track, have uninterrupted counselling sessions, time to journal and talk with friends and practise some self care and read some books on how to get through this. And you deserve some breathing space to find out what you want to do next.

@Labobo thank you. I need posts like this. When he first left my instinct was that our youngest was the issue but it’s been clouded by other things he said. His big breakthrough in therapy recently is that he never wanted children in the first place.

Over the last couple of days he has admitted to being drunk while in charge of the children so that’s a no go for a couple of weeks at least. Eldest has said she doesn’t like being with him there too because he’s so ‘emotional’.

He’s said that OW will be great with the children - she’s been researching autism. I don’t know if I’m happy about that or not. If it lasts, better that she is I suppose.

At the moment I still have faith that he will come through with the money.

Christ he's a dirty big SHIT OP 🌺

He HAS to talk up this great romance bollocks with the OW because if he doesn’t and just admits he’s weak, whitewashing the past and loved you then he’s just a common or garden arsehole. And he doesn’t want to be that. You lived with him, you know what the reality was. Don’t let him rewrite your history as well as his own. But also don’t bother to engage. You will end up with more material to agonise over and you need to shore up your defences not lay yourself open to more misery. You listen to him and he gets to verbalise and make himself feel that his narrative is true. Sod him. Just don’t let yourself be his sounding board. He doesn’t deserve that you absorb all this shite. Cut him loose.

Oh god op he's awful! It really is all about him isn't it, he's even blaming the kids now rather than taking an ounce of responsibility.

Just know this op, you've had to live with his alcohol dependency and soon she will too, good luck to them both, they need it. Because whilst you might be down at rock bottom op, and they think they are flying high, soon you'll be rising, feeling better, getting control over your life, getting a life, their euphoria will start to ebb, the stresses and strains of everyday life will take root, his relationship with alcohol will take centre stage and they will fall. Just remember to give them a wave when you pass them as you rise and they fall.

You have faith he'll come through with the money? Riiiiiiight.

Sorry but I agree with @Summerhillsquare. He's already shocked you at how heartless and selfish he is. Get ready for him to shock you again. Get very tough and ensure you and your children get a completely fair deal.

Does the OW have children of her own?

Also, did their affair start shortly after her marriage ended?

OW has children who don’t live at home and I believe her marriage ended sometime last year. I’m confident that H would not be with her if he had to play step daddy.

His cruelty comes out when he’s drunk but years ago when he used to get drunk his anger was usually focused at other people and not me. It feels like he’s looked at everything, changed what he can but still isn’t happy. So now it’s my turn to be the reason. But I guess he feels what he feels.

Sober he is nice and backtracks (in a massive way) on things he’s said which makes it difficult to know what’s true.

I think he’ll get sober soon, and I want that for all our sakes. But then it’s getting over his guilt & happy times ahead for him. It’s not fair.

Please don’t believe all the stuff he says about never being happy with you, it was never a good match etc. It’s all untrue - just a device to
make himself feel better and justify what he and OW have done. It’s such a cruel thing to say because it sh**ts on your own past and memories and self-esteem at a time when you really need those things.
My husband waited 20 odd years to tell me he had never been happy.when asked by a marriage guidance person to name something specifically all he could come up with was that I constantly worked late 15 years ago and that I often seemed distracted when he was talking to me.
Funny how these men only start realising how unhappy they have always been when OW starts paying them attention.
I have been where you are OP and I feel for you. It’s really hard to stop loving someone and expecting that they love you. I was shocked that my husband was now a sort of weird stranger with a whole other life, different feelings, and that he apparently had stopped putting me and our children first.
Do you get over it? Yes, because all things pass. When will that be? Well I’m a couple of years in and I’m a lot better than I was but I still get bad days and flashbacks and depression.
You will get better and stronger. He and OW will have problems of their own that’s for sure.

There have been so many lies now - there must be some truth somewhere. Pissed he says he’s been in love with her for years. Sober they were just good friends until when? I don’t know.

One email from late 2019 refers to previous conversations about his feelings. Same email says that he wishes he’d spoken to her years ago. Is this him romanticising? Hard to ignore it in black & white.

Apart from the children I wish I’d never met him.

I've known more than one woman take up after divorcing with men they've previously had no interest in while knowing he carried a bit of a torch - it's pure vanity and self-indulgence. I would guess the seven years of rope-a-dope were her toying with somewhere soft to land once her kids left home.
Anyway they've all been heady, together-at-last liaisons until, ego sufficiently boosted, the woman has suddenly lost interest and dumped him.
Rescuer syndrome is also hugely ego-driven - what a very good and kind person I am, caring for this wounded man and his children! The joint therapy, the AA meetings, the reading about autism - it's all a performance.

Honestly you're well rid, that silly cow is stuck with him now!

Well he’s still drinking so still has to see children here. I found myself comforting him the other day.

Sometimes I think I’m getting clarity & resolve but other times it feels very difficult. I’m trying to look 5 years ahead and see a positive future. I do find the house a bit calmer & relaxing now - he always liked to be on the move. But I hate that he may be happy in the future with OW because they don’t deserve it.

Therapy in the next couple of days. Can’t wait to offload a bit.

Clueless - he’s an alcoholic - you are still trying to fix him ie - comforting him. Are you still going to Alanon. They do Alanon steps which I suggest you do.
You do not need to facilitate access if he is drunk. It is not acceptable to your children or you.
If he arrives drunk do not let him in - if he gets nasty call the police.
I would also suggest you keep a diary of this type of behaviour for the court. He is not fit to have the children in this state.
Again - children of parents who have addictions grow up deeply affected by the issues.
It is not a critism but are you hoping to rescue him? You too are also enabling his behaviour by letting him in and listening to his crap.
You also do not need to hear of his feelings or issues with other woman.
You need to stop the hugging and texting.
He’s a very selfish man and his interest is only with himself.
You need to divorce him ASAP -
What do you do for yourself? Hobbies, friends, getting our prior to lockdown. Do you have family nearby who are supportive.
You will not fix this man - he has to hit a rock bottom before he will stop drinking. He is not your problem.
You did not cause him to drink,
You have no control of the drinking.
You cannot cure his drinking.
Begin to focus on yourself as currently all your focus appears to be on him.
Cut contact with him.
If he’s drunk do not let him in.
If he’s abusive call the police.
If he texts about anything other than children do not respond.
Get regular contact days - ie 2 hours in the week one evening and then time at the weekend.
If he has to come to you and he’s sober can you go out.
Focus on yourself. 💐

@Whydidimarryhim

Thank you. I need posts like yours.

I do go to AlAnon and feel like I say the right things but am not putting them into practice.

I understand the 3Cs and I take no responsibility for his drinking. It’s his own inability to deal with difficult emotions that causes the drinking. That said, I have wondered if my forgiveness would free him of the guilt and therefore stop the drinking but I haven’t forgiven him and won’t pretend that I have. I think part of it is him saying ‘look how bad I feel - I’m drinking again’.

We actually spoke about rock bottom. He said he was at it but I’m not sure he’s there yet.

I know I can’t fix his alcoholism.

He only comes to the house at agreed times. I want him to be sober so he can have the children on his own and I can rebuild my life. I have no hobbies as I’ve been focused on work & family most of my life. Before lockdown I would go out for a meal or to the gym.

I have supportive family. The texts are dying out. I actually think about him more now that we’re not together. Crazy!