Husband has left for another woman after 20+ years together

[CluelessnotShoeless]

I've lurked on the relationship boards over the years and read other people's stories about their husbands leaving after having an affair, thought how terrible it must be for them but never thought it would be me.

In August my husband told me that he was in love with someone else and clearly wanted to leave. After a few weeks at home he left for her. We have two children, one with additional needs. Although I can now see signs that he was distracted in the last few months before he told me it was a massive shock - I had no idea. I'd always felt confident in his love for me. In fact over the last few years he had acted more devoted but he now claims that he was trying to make things right in our marriage despite his feelings of unhappiness. I don't know what to believe - we've had a tough few years. It's frustrating because I also believed we got on really well but apparently it was nothing like the deep connection he has with his new girlfriend.

I have started divorce proceedings as there seems to be no other option. I am completely financially dependent on him too as gave up work a couple of years ago to focus on our youngest daughter. We are not telling the children the real reason for our splitting up. We have softened the blow to them by saying that we will still do things together as a family and I think that's the right thing for them. He has babysat for me a few times so I could meet friends.

About 12 years ago I left him as his addictions were getting out of control. He turned that around and I stayed with him but he put me through a lot and did some terrible things. I forgave him. I wish I hadn't.

I just feel terrible a lot of the time with only brief periods of thinking I'm better without him. I can't seem to think about anything else. I need to talk through my feelings obsessively and although it helps at the time, it doesn't last long before my feelings build up again. I can't reconcile who I thought he was with his actions, except I can because he has shown self-destructive tendencies in the past. I'm bored with my thoughts but can't stop them. The lockdown makes it worse as I feel so isolated.

I think what I need to hear is that it will get better and how long it will take. Please, if anyone has been in my situation, please share how you moved on and got past it.

I'm going to slightly disagree with @Vodkatonic8: quite often it's not that they fell out of love years ago and now had only just made you aware, its that they never really properly bonded with you in the first place. "They don't do deep" as I've heard it put.

If you've not already, visit ChumpLady's website and/or Facebook page. There's lots of help and support on there as well as a community who've been through similar

@Whatabambam I think you’re right I am still clinging to the past. Before we split up we discussed being friends. One of his comments about the marriage was that we had become just friends. I think this gave me the idea that we would still have a similar relationship when I saw him and he came to see the children. I also want to keep the children happy and they still want us to do things together.

@TossaCointoyerWitcher I think H does do deep. I think he also wants romance, which has been gone for a long time. Recently I found letters that he wrote me years ago and they were full of love. They’re actually similar in tone to the emails he wrote to the OW.!

We still text during the day as much as we did when we were together without the heart emojis and kisses and ‘love you’ comments. It’s mainly about the children but sometimes funny things that may have happened. I don’t know what to make of this.

Hi there, I hear you feel lost and probably a little afraid of the future, but you have a future - keep going, your children will be a comfort but maintain paternal contact for the children- it will give you a few hours time just for yourself. You will move forward- it will be different and you will keep breathing - I thought I may collapse some days just because there was so much to do and so much in my head but I didn’t and you won’t either. In a years time you will probably think you didn’t love him as much as you think you do today- it’s a response - he sounds as if he’s treated you badly and doesn’t deserve your love

He had a duty to share those feelings with you and to bring you to the point where you understood he had checked out. You have been let down by the very person who should have been thinking of you the most. Remember this when you feel like you miss him. He hasn't been honest with you. You are mourning the man you thought you knew but he has gone now. Allow this pain because you cannot skip thtough this stage but don't let him see this. I have been you. This time last year I lost my old life. It takes a while for the denial to pass and having children complicates the process because he will be in your life. I wonder if you are reflecting on the titime that you stuck through his bad behaviour because you feel angry about it and that he sonehow owes you. It must feel terribly unjust. It could also be that you are reflecting on this because there's something about this period that sits uncomfortably with you. Perhaps you aren't quite ready to see that the relationship was not as balanced and functional as you wanted to believe. I have had to reflect on the entire relationship between us and not just the ending as it made me realise that I was skirting over some difficulties that I had tried to minimize as I wanted to believe the relationship was healthy. Plus, when you are in love, you view everything from that prism. Please feel your grief and pain but I implore you to do this away from him. He is no longer on your side. You must call on your family and friends to provide you with the love and support that you so clearly deserve

I'd stop with the texts unless it was about the children, it's confusing for you and why should he get all the nice parts of your relationship when he's hurt you so. It won't stop hurting until you don't care anymore and those texts keep him fore front in your mind.

If he’d told me he was unhappy earlier we could have maybe fixed it or at least parted in a more dignified way.

I'd strongly suspect that the reason for not saying anything is he didn't want to fix it.
You don't say how old the children are but often the father will grow tired of the responsibilities and restrictions that children bring and just want out. EOW would be fine for them.
But inertia stops them from doing anything about it until another woman comes along.

I could have written your post OP. it's very early days and what you are feeling is totally, totally normal. Betrayal and being blindsided is terribly cruel. My ex didn't mention how unhappy he was over 20 years. Enter OW! I've been through the whole grief cycle which is rubbish but necessary. Counceling really helped to make sense of those raw, painful feelings. I'm having a second round now 3 years on to deal with a few lingering feelings but otherwise life is good. It will get better. I didn't believe it when people said that to me either, but it does. You'll move on, hang in there.

@CluelessnotShoeless

Thank you. I do write a journal now but I’m not sure if it helps as there is no one talking back. I did actually feel calmer after writing and getting responses here. Today I am very down again as he has taken the children away for the day. I used to love having child free time but today I hate it.

@Vodkatonic8 I think what you write is harsh but true - he’s been falling out of love with me for years; it’s the only explanation. But I don’t know how I didn’t know. I truly felt that he loved me and I trusted him completely. We even used to talk about men who left their families & how ridiculous & selfish they were.

As to his general character I wouldn’t say he’s selfish on a day to day basis. He’s actually quite considerate, even now he makes kind gestures to me but they are partly motivated by guilt. Anyway the more time passes the more he moves away from me (& doesn’t want to spend time with me) I know it’s to be expected but it’s like I’ve lost my best friend as well as my husband.

That's good. I actually meant perhaps writing the negatives in this thread as I agree you get support from here.

Re: the texts you still share, he will no doubt feel a gaping hole too op. He still loves you as a companion, friend, & the mother of his children.

I may try and write the negatives later. Children are here so need time when they’re not here as there are many .

I think H does do deep. I think he also wants romance, which has been gone for a long time. Recently I found letters that he wrote me years ago and they were full of love. They’re actually similar in tone to the emails he wrote to the OW.!

We still text during the day as much as we did when we were together without the heart emojis and kisses and ‘love you’ comments. It’s mainly about the children but sometimes funny things that may have happened. I don’t know what to make of this.

I'm not saying your wrong about him "doing deep", however my ex did all of the above and I quickly learned it had all the substance of candy-floss. I know for a fact she loved romance - probably more so than I - but romance in and of itself isn't intimacy. It isn't bonding. That was spelt out to me the day I discovered she'd been sending anguished, love-lorn messages to the OM, declaring she hoped I'd divorce her one day so that they could get to be together literally a couple of hours after she'd been sending me emoji-filled messages saying how lucky she was to have me and that I was the love of her life.

Now it might be she meant what she said in the moment, but the fact she could flip-flop so erratically, at short notice doesn't suggest someone with a deep attachment. It's like Boris Johnson. Anyone can announce a "world beating" this or that. Talk is cheap. It actions that matter.

Well one of the hardest things has been reading texts of the last year or so and there’s no indication of any real change towards me. When the physical affair began there are less words and more emojis but I guess they’re easy to type. I’m still shocked by the lies which, according to him now, have been going on for years.

Yes, it will get better. It sounds like you're doing the right thing in getting on with the divorce op. Good luck..

So no list yet although I started it. I’m not sure at the moment whether they’re bad enough. I compromised a lot but was happy to do so if my marriage continued. Really the main thing is that he was unhappy, had an affair & walked out on his family.

I think he may be trying to create a situation where he still has me as his friend & co-parent but gets to have a girlfriend too. Although I assume his current relationship will start to take precedence in time. She will demand it. The other plausible alternative is that his guilt keeps him nice and he hates being around me but wants to be seen to do the right thing. I do try and go out when I can but difficult at the moment.

Those of you who journaled: I have two horrible things that happened in the weeks after he confessed. They make me so angry when I think of them. If I write them down again and again can they lose their power?

I am so sorry you are going through this. My 20 relationship broke up in 2016/17. It was a brutal break up and I have to say it was hell but I was so grateful I had a job to distract me (though it was tough to operate effectively with all that was happening). I cannot begin to imagine what this must be like during lockdown.

3 years on I'm much much better. I've had a couple of relationships and I'm a much stronger person now.

You will recover, but I'm not going to pretend it will be easy or fast. I would suggest that you seek a therapist asap - forget relate or NHS (too slow) - ask your partner to pay for a private therapist. I had one and it was crucial.

It's good you can still talk to your ex. I haven't spoken to mine in 3 years and that is tough for my grown up daughter.

Courage my friend - courage.

Thank you. 3 years recovery seems like such a long time. I’ll be close to 50 then (with apologies to 50 year olds).

The other thing is that I felt quite comfortable with ageing prior to this, I’ve lacked confidence all my life but it had improved as I got older. Part of this was that I was secure in my marriage - however difficult our life was at times. Someone said to me recently that I might realise in time that I didn’t love him as much as I thought. I sort of hope so but, if I didn’t, then what have I been doing all these years?

Yes it gets better. So much better. My partner of 15 yrs and father of our two DC left. He had ongoing alcohol issues and there was another woman (did not last and he never admitted it).

I sought out help books, counselling and worked hard to create a new support network (totally out of my comfort zone). The deep sadness and devastation turned to anger, back to sadness and I really had to grieve the loss of my relationship quite hard and then my old self started re-emerging. It is one of the best things to happen to me. I could have easily spent years more in this sorry unhappy relationship but now I am free.

So today and yesterday I didn’t have a big cry. I feel like I can get some stuff done. I’m going to do some exercise. Is this denial (we got on well the last time I saw him) or progress? I don’t trust my emotions because my head & heart are not in sync.

So sorry you are going through this heartbreak over lockdown. My ex and I were married for 20 years and I honestly thought all was well. He was affectionate at home. I took our children to our caravan in summer hols and he was supposed to be joining us 1 week later. My friend rang me to tell me she had seen him out with another woman holding her hand and kissing her at an expensive restaurant I rushed home and packed his bags, got house locks changed all before I spoke to him. He fitted he was having an affair. He got a flat and after 6 weeks he broke up with the girlfriend. By then I had filed for divorce. He came around to see me and begged to come back, said he had made a mistake. I didn't take him back. Divorce is hard. If you are under 67 a judge will expect you to get a job to support yourself. I expect you will know in a divorce after a long marriage all assets get put into the pot and shared equally at s starting point but with a SN child you would likely get more than half.

It really isn’t possible for me to work, except in a low paid job. It would also mean H having to look after them 1/2 the week during the day which he won’t be prepared to do. He is a high earner so can easily support two households. But you’ve given me food for thought so thank you.

I'm so sorry. I think though that you may need to firmer with him. He doesn't get to text you funny/nice things which is a way to keep the door open. All you want is cold facts about the children. He needs to experience loss. Also, as things with the OW progresses he might stop doing that and you will be hurt again. I would count on him continuing to support you. You need it all set out legally so you know where you are.

I wonder if making him do half the week is actually the right way forward. He’s a parent too and he can’t just run off into the sunset and leave all of his responsibilities behind. How much romance is he going to get when he’s going to have to actually parent on his own. Have you always done everything?

Do you want to work?

This is not up to him to decide he is too important/busy to sort out childcare.....

He chose this....you can chose what you want to do....you do not have to compromise for him ..

I wouldn't want to be dependent on someone who doesn't care about me or his children..

Have you seen a lawyer yet?

Why did you move house?? Do you have friends elsewhere you could move nearer to..

You need to start thinking about what you want

Yes I have a lawyer and I think he’s good - expensive but I’ll get what I paid for. I should get child maintenance and a spousal allowance.

We moved to a more rural area to get a different lifestyle. It wouldn’t be good for me to move back for reasons I can’t divulge here.

Do I want to work? I think so but it would be difficult to do right now - maybe in a year. I haven’t got straight in my head what the custody arrangements should be either. I think H has to be a better & more present father than he has been previously, especially more than in the last year when he was not only moving emotionally away from me but also them. I have read text messages to that effect.

And yet I still feel shocked. But also not because, in some ways, this is repeating a previous pattern of behaviour. Not that he can see it - his emotional iq is quite low.

Two or three years seems about right to me, too. Think of it as a sign of how important your relationship was, that it takes a long time to get over it. The entire healing process might take a couple of years, but that doesn't mean that you'll feel like this for the first 23 months and then better in month 24, obviously :) It's a gradual process, with ups and downs, but you will feel a bit better soon.

My exh also rewrote the entire marriage, from our first date - I confronted him about some of the things, reminding him how it really happened. His eyes were darting from side to side as he tried to find explanations for how we'd done nice things together even though, according to him, we'd never even fancied each other and had just accidentally fallen into a bed or something. They just have their new narrative. It will make you angry at first. Eventually you just say "Stuff his stories, I remember how it was".

Don't let his reinterpretation win by taking it too seriously. It's a load of bollocks. You know what you know.

I stayed with him but he put me through a lot and did some terrible things. I forgave him. I wish I hadn't.
You had a marriage with him, and the fact that he ended it this way doesn't mean that all those years, and all that effort you put into it, doesn't count. Don't regret it. That's just accepting his narrative that it was worthless. It wasn't worthless.