Husband has left for another woman after 20+ years together

[CluelessnotShoeless]

I've lurked on the relationship boards over the years and read other people's stories about their husbands leaving after having an affair, thought how terrible it must be for them but never thought it would be me.

In August my husband told me that he was in love with someone else and clearly wanted to leave. After a few weeks at home he left for her. We have two children, one with additional needs. Although I can now see signs that he was distracted in the last few months before he told me it was a massive shock - I had no idea. I'd always felt confident in his love for me. In fact over the last few years he had acted more devoted but he now claims that he was trying to make things right in our marriage despite his feelings of unhappiness. I don't know what to believe - we've had a tough few years. It's frustrating because I also believed we got on really well but apparently it was nothing like the deep connection he has with his new girlfriend.

I have started divorce proceedings as there seems to be no other option. I am completely financially dependent on him too as gave up work a couple of years ago to focus on our youngest daughter. We are not telling the children the real reason for our splitting up. We have softened the blow to them by saying that we will still do things together as a family and I think that's the right thing for them. He has babysat for me a few times so I could meet friends.

About 12 years ago I left him as his addictions were getting out of control. He turned that around and I stayed with him but he put me through a lot and did some terrible things. I forgave him. I wish I hadn't.

I just feel terrible a lot of the time with only brief periods of thinking I'm better without him. I can't seem to think about anything else. I need to talk through my feelings obsessively and although it helps at the time, it doesn't last long before my feelings build up again. I can't reconcile who I thought he was with his actions, except I can because he has shown self-destructive tendencies in the past. I'm bored with my thoughts but can't stop them. The lockdown makes it worse as I feel so isolated.

I think what I need to hear is that it will get better and how long it will take. Please, if anyone has been in my situation, please share how you moved on and got past it.

Yes, some do last. In a way, it's almost annoying that exh's didn't last, as now he's just sitting around again alone in our old house, which I really liked - no gf, so we could just as easily have stayed together! Not that I actually want to be with him, but it's just irritating!

I imagine it is worse when you know the OW. I'd never met the woman before so she was just a very vague, uninteresting background figure. Mine had been flirting with others, too.

I do think he's done me a favour, and I bet you'll feel the same way as time passes. Your timing is great, in that once Covid is over it will probably be about time you start to think about what your new lover should look like :)

So after the first Christmas I’m struggling a bit.

Christmas was intense & on Christmas Eve we discussed reconciliation. I think he wanted to explore it but then started saying why it couldn’t work, one of which was his feelings for OW. H went from being sentimental to being angry & back again - he was generally quite emotional. Some physical stuff happened and he was clearly feeling guilty the next day (about leading me on & ‘cheating’ on other woman). He spent the afternoon with her, which makes me feel horrible.

Went out as a family yesterday and it went ok, but he seemed overtired. He mentioned doing it again next year. H was meant to be coming round today but changed the times so he wouldn’t be here all evening. He’s got a plausible reason but I don’t believe him.

I know I should let this relationship go. My head knows this and yet sometimes I still hope for a miracle. Sometimes I think that I don’t want him but hate that someone else will have him. I’m angry and sad, sometimes hopeful for a reconciliation and sometimes hopeful for a future without him.

Meanwhile I’m in limbo - more lockdowns to come so can’t really get on with life. I’m lethargic from being at home all the time and struggle to get anything done.

Last year I had 6 months stuck at home with the children. He was able to leave for work, see other adults and conduct an affair.

One thing that annoyed me recently is that he tried to stick up for her and say ‘she wasn’t what I thought she was’. Basically because I think she’s a bitch - what else could she be? Apparently she always made sure not to text him in the evening when he was with his family because that wouldn’t be right? Ridiculous.

I’m starting therapy in the new year but I wish I could switch my emotions off, even for an evening.

OP he is controlling everything... the contact...the narrative on your lives together.. the coming and going.. even his Affair/OW is being kept hidden for his sake... Screw that?!

OP you need to start taking control... his emotions are the direct result of his actions.. so let him deal with them.. you must stop hugging him consoling him.. this is his choice to leave for someone else...

He is taking to utter piss 🌺

You need to get angry for your sake and your kids 🌺

OW is being kept secret to protect children, not him. Plus if the truth comes out I don’t trust myself to be polite about her. This is not great for the children if she becomes a future stepmother.

The other complication, which I’ve alluded to previously, is that he’s an alcoholic. He’s relapsed in the last few months and I don’t know if he’s drinking or not but I suspect he is. It makes any decision around him spending time with the children difficult. He needs time to work on being sober. Again he’s no good to the children if he goes completely downhill.

It's not really about the Children though is it OP.. if you were being honest.. this is about you need to take him back after treating you so badly.. children can survive divorce... So he's an alcoholic.. so keep the children away from him.

It is about the children, definitely! If he’s sober the children benefit from time with him. If not then they don’t.

But your point about me wanting to take him back even though he’s treated me so badly did jolt me a bit. I don’t understand it myself - I’ve have ranted at him, shouted at him but can’t maintain the anger for more than a few days.

A couple of weeks ago I had a few days where I felt euphoric at the thought of a new beginning.

Anyway I tend to write my more unacceptable feelings on this forum - things that I can’t say in real life because I know my friends would think I’m crazy. It helps to get it out on here, even if I go on a bit & read differing opinions.

please OP .. continue to express your emotions on here .. my fear was that you were using your children as excuses for taking him back .. I can see now that's not the case ... and no you are definitely not crazy.. you've been hit hard.. so vent away OP.

@Chattycatty

I'd stop with the texts unless it was about the children, it's confusing for you and why should he get all the nice parts of your relationship when he's hurt you so. It won't stop hurting until you don't care anymore and those texts keep him fore front in your mind.

Totally agree. Give him the cold shoulder except for talk about the children. It will protect you xxx

@picklemewalnuts

I think you can be ok with him about child related stuff, without making it easy for him in other ways.

I don't know whether I could follow through with this myself- it's against the grain- but I wouldn't want him to bolster himself up using me. He's behaved badly and hurt you and should suffer the consequences of that.

I'm not talking about stuffing his shoes with prawns or anything, just give him the cold shoulder. Ignore him, and any overtures of niceness.

It's now a business relationship focussed on raising the children. Don't protect him from what he has done.

It's hard, because I'm sure you always have.

Agree with each and every point! 👏

[quote CluelessnotShoeless]@S00LA one thing I’m confident about in this mess is that the children should not learn so young that men cannot be trusted. I’ve taken professional advice on this too. It’s possible that my eldest will figure it out when she’s older and he’ll face the consequences but I’ll deal with that when it’s time.[/quote]
Agree that you don't tell the children too much - its a lot for young shoulders to take on board and it will upset them as they will blame themselves as thats what kids do👩🏻

About 12 years ago I left him as his addictions were getting out of control. He turned that around and I stayed with him but he put me through a lot and did some terrible things.

This really stood out to me OP. He’s probably never forgiven you for daring to leave him 12 years ago, even though you reconciled. I’d imagine he may have started disassociating from the relationship then?

You absolutely will get through this, be kind to yourself on the way (don’t be too kind to him though, he’s a twat) 💐

How are you OP..

Have a look at the chump lady website.

@BlueThistles - thanks for asking. I was full of rage earlier today. I had a physical pain in my stomach. It was awful. I had a socially distanced drink in my driveway with some neighbours earlier which was nice. H here for a bit and we talked about the future but nothing resolved. I will be proceeding with divorce as nothing set in stone.

@duggeeismynewbestfriend - I’m aware of chumplady and I’ve bought her book and follow a group on Facebook relating to her. I like her style!! The chapter on ego kibbles is spot on. The only issue I have is that H doesn’t fit the profile of the cheaters CL mentions in her blog. H has only cheated once & I don’t think he’ll do it again because he know what a clusterfuck he’s created. Slightly annoying for me as I would love him to break OW’s heart or her break his.

Oh, he will break her heart quite well enough. He doesn’t have to cheat on her. If he’s having a relapse and his behaviour isn’t great when he’s drinking, then that will do her in.

(My stbxh is an addict - it’s why we split...that and him buggering off with an OW - it lasted 6months and then had a messy breakup where she came crying to me - via FB messenger - about it!!! He then came crawling back but I told him to GTF)

I know it doesn’t sound it, but I reckon she’s done you a favour. Take care and I hope 2021 will be a better year for you xx

I hope you enjoyed your socially distanced drink with neighbours.. as if things weren't difficult enough this year.. your dealing with a lot.. so credit to you. and a Happy New Year to you 🎉🌺

I am 12 months on from this with two young DC. It is truly awful OP and reading these posts never fail to make me despair as to how some men so easily throw away their wives who have stuck by them through thick and thin. Mine buggered off with a girl half his age, leaving me with 2 DC one is Autistic. It shattered me, and this year was so difficult dealing with the lockdown totally alone, I home schooled both kids and worked from home for 4 months totally alone, it was hell.
I promise you, and I didn't believe people when they told me. It will get easier every day you will heal a bit more. You will have set backs, like on Xmas day my ex brought presents for my DC from the OW, he was lucky I didn't shove them up his arse quite frankly. But it took me a few minutes alone in the kitchen to gather myself.
There will be set backs like this along the way, but each one will equip you to deal with with next one I promise.
The hardest part for me the loss of my friend, because we were the best of friends and had such a fun time together lots of laughs. That was the most difficult part for me. I tried to stay "friends" but in the end it hurt too much. I now don't really speak to him unless it to arrange him seeing the kids.
The only advice I can give you at the moment is just take care of the basics and look after yourself. Find a great friend you can confide in and I mean really confide in you don't need someone who will just say your better off, move on. You need someone who will really listen when you need to offload. I have a friend who unfortunately went through the exact same thing as me and we have supported eachother. She is my support bubble as well now.
It will get easier, one day you will wake up and non of it will hurt anymore.

hi my husband walked out on monday so this is very raw for me at the minute , all he has said is that he doesn't love me as much has he did , hes gone to live with a mate , we have a mortgage on the house which i paid a lump sum down he didnt and i pay most of the bills please don't get my wrong when hes working he will pay and if not in work he did help around the house , i just love him so much and my heart wants him back i tried everything to bring him home , would it be better to try and move on without him and do i just seek advice from a solicitor about the house . dont know which way to turn please advice me x

@Londondoughnut

You’re welcome to post here but from experience I find you get more feedback when you create your own thread.

That said here is my response to you as I’m a bit further down the line.

Firstly, it’s horrible especially when you had no idea or suspicions that anything was wrong.

Call a solicitor so you know where you stand. It will help you feel some control. You don’t need to take it any further or make any decisions now.

Speak to real life friends. You can call Samaritans too if you need to vent.

Horribly I think if you had no idea it’s likely there is an OW.

Take care xx

It will get better but that could be anywhere between a week and 20 years. It will only get better when you stop ruminating on it. Each time you realise you are going over the situation in your head, replace those those with something positive. Then you will begin to heal quickly x

Thank you for your reply im hoping to get some advice next week with them been closed at the moment x

Well here’s a turn up for the books. We discussed reconciliation. OW found out & seems to have broken up with him, at least for now.

However, he’s been drunk and boring me on the phone with how much he loves me but is a broken man all evening & now I’m not sure I want him.

But I feel responsible. Only just realising how nice it was that his alcoholism is not my problem.

And so today I learn that it definitely isn’t my problem. He has chosen (again) to be with OW.

And having spoken to OW it seems he has pursued her on and off for years. She had been his confidant, pushing him away from her and advising him how to ‘fall back in love with me’. But in the end they both succumbed because obviously their love was so deep.