Husband has left for another woman after 20+ years together

[CluelessnotShoeless]

I've lurked on the relationship boards over the years and read other people's stories about their husbands leaving after having an affair, thought how terrible it must be for them but never thought it would be me.

In August my husband told me that he was in love with someone else and clearly wanted to leave. After a few weeks at home he left for her. We have two children, one with additional needs. Although I can now see signs that he was distracted in the last few months before he told me it was a massive shock - I had no idea. I'd always felt confident in his love for me. In fact over the last few years he had acted more devoted but he now claims that he was trying to make things right in our marriage despite his feelings of unhappiness. I don't know what to believe - we've had a tough few years. It's frustrating because I also believed we got on really well but apparently it was nothing like the deep connection he has with his new girlfriend.

I have started divorce proceedings as there seems to be no other option. I am completely financially dependent on him too as gave up work a couple of years ago to focus on our youngest daughter. We are not telling the children the real reason for our splitting up. We have softened the blow to them by saying that we will still do things together as a family and I think that's the right thing for them. He has babysat for me a few times so I could meet friends.

About 12 years ago I left him as his addictions were getting out of control. He turned that around and I stayed with him but he put me through a lot and did some terrible things. I forgave him. I wish I hadn't.

I just feel terrible a lot of the time with only brief periods of thinking I'm better without him. I can't seem to think about anything else. I need to talk through my feelings obsessively and although it helps at the time, it doesn't last long before my feelings build up again. I can't reconcile who I thought he was with his actions, except I can because he has shown self-destructive tendencies in the past. I'm bored with my thoughts but can't stop them. The lockdown makes it worse as I feel so isolated.

I think what I need to hear is that it will get better and how long it will take. Please, if anyone has been in my situation, please share how you moved on and got past it.

Feel a bit silly and didn’t want to admit to this previously. We discussed finances a couple of days ago and I got a bit scared. I said that I thought there was still hope for us if he wanted it. It was clear from his response or lack of it that there isn’t. I just feel an idiot now. I’m fairly sure it would be the wrong decision anyway but I don’t feel much optimism for my future due to my own limitations.

H has started therapy in the last couple of weeks. He will come out all well adjusted and happy with his choices while I don’t have any. I know the therapist a bit & don’t like him.

I also have an initial phone call with a counselling service today. I hope I can get some peace from it.

Also feeling angry about the impact on the children. Eldest is clearly upset and can’t make sense of it.

Dont feel bad about telling her H that you thought there was still hope. You are trying to keep your life from falling apart. Your H did all this, handed you his decision as a done deal and expected you to get onto the same page as him straight away.

There will come a time when you wont want him back, at all, but until you get there give yourself some slack. Your heart is broken and you are in panic mode trying to get some sort of normal back.

Be kind to yourself and remember, baby step.

After my exh did this, I got therapy - proper therapy with someone I chose - and you know what: it was helpful in many more ways than with the divorce. It helped me confront many other, longer-term fears. I'm a lot happier with myself, and a lot less anxious generally - it was not a miracle cure but it was a real wake-up. I also took anti-depressants at the time. As well as making me feel better in the short term, they also convinced me that a lot of my negative feelings about myself were wrong: if a pill could make them go away, then they weren't real, right?

The therapist, back then, told me that many people, after they've gone through something like this, look back later and say that although it was horrible, it was also actually a good thing, for reasons like my experience. That's exactly how I feel now. Obviously, there are drawbacks to the marriage ending. But there are so many benefits that I really don't regret it.

Your ex might come out of this with his head still firmly, happily in the sand. You might come out of this a better, more experienced, more insightful, more genuine, tougher, happier person. It will just take a while.

What @LemmysAceCard and @ravenmum said, with bells on.

Re your age: I’m in my early 50s and loving it. Age brings wisdom and experience and, after this, you’ll have both in bucket loads. Plus my mum met the love of her life in her mid-50s and friends of her did similar. This is the end of a very significant and important chapter in your life and it will take time to get over it. But there are amazing adventures ahead of you still to be had when the time is right.

Well I’m back to having a sad day again today after a couple of days feeling strong. I’m struggling myself to remember the good times. Our life has been difficult for a while - it feels like I don’t know what was real. How can he say it was all rubbish because he wasn’t focusing on himself?

This is the latest comment from him - that he was trying all the time to tick off life stages so marriage, children, affluent lifestyle but in the end it (meaning me & to some extent the children that he didn’t really want) wasn’t enough.

Thank you all for responding. It may not read that way but it is helping.

Dont tell me: you "made him" have the children by bullying him or with your wily woman's ways?
Seriously, it is The Script.
Look up "cognitive dissonance". It's what happens when someone sees or thinks of themself in one way (e.g. lovely honest person) but then wants to do something that would destroy that positive self image (e.g. have a sordid affair). We all experience cognitive dissonance in that situation - our brain wants to find an explanation for the actions that don't fit in the picture, so comes up with novel explanations. "I'm a nice person, but I'm treating my partner like shit. Well, I guess she must deserve it. Remember that one time she looked at me funny? She's actually a horrible person. I never loved her" "She's a horrible person I never loved, but I had kids with her. Well, I guess she must have made me do it!" etc.

If I’d not wanted children I think he would have been fine with it. But he did agree. I do remember him not looking as excited as I hoped when I told him about the second pregnancy. I even suggested a termination at one point but he didn’t want me to do that (& neither did I). I think if I brought that up today though he would say, truthfully?, that he didn’t want to upset me and make me hate him.

I think he is co-dependant & maybe so am I. Honestly my head could burst with the amount of headspace I give to this. I always thought about him before obviously but this takes it to a new level.

I do agree though that he does have some cognitive dissonance.

Feeling strong today until I noticed that OW had liked something of his on social media. No shame - I don’t get it.

Block, block, block!
OW hates being a dirty secret, that's why she's poking her head above ground.

It was a professional post on a site related to work. But still it takes the piss.

I know from reading MN that posters get annoyed when the OW gets blamed - as H is the one who cheated.

But I think both are responsible for their roles and I can’t get the mindset who would enter into a relationship with someone in his position. The answer must be that some people don’t care about anyone but themselves.

It just seems crazy that 3 months ago I was struggling through lockdown confident that a better future awaited me.

A better future DOES await you.

It will be a future in which you understand what's happening and you're not lied to or kept in the dark.

It will be a future which you're in control of and where YOU are responsible for making you happy. No reliance on someone else who might let you down

It will be a future where you become strong and happy and full of self confidence because you know that you're secure - you love you and you will look after you

And that future can start today, should you want it to

I just feel desperately sad today. Trying to sort the files and I found this quiz we did about each other. We knew each other so well. It was a long time ago but it’s hard to believe that so much has changed.

The lies that he told me during the affair, the planning, making up appointments in his diary using his children!! to block out time with her. I just can’t comprehend it. A couple of years earlier we would have spoken with disgust at such a man. It’s like he’s had a personality transplant.

It’s like he’s had a personality transplant.

He really hasn't.

We all have multiple personalities inside us who we can choose to be. He always had this current personality inside him, you just didn't see it because he didn't show it to you.

Once you realise that he is now choosing to use one of his so far unseen personalities, and that this personality isn't someone you want to be close to, you can move on and make a new life for yourself

I can see what you’re saying. In some ways H has reverted to type by doing the worst thing possible to solve his unhappiness. But in other ways he is still thoughtful towards me. We can still be friendly.

I’m beginning to wonder why I don’t feel more furious. I am sometimes very angry but more at things he’s said than what he’s done - is that weird? Am I not facing reality? My rational head says I should never see or speak to him again but that’s not possible because of children anyway. They are also asking to see more of him but again that’s not where we are now.

My thoughts may seem a bit random but I am reading & taking in what everyone writes.

He's acting the role of nice guy, so being thoughtful. It helps him manage the cognitive dissonance a pp explained.

He's covering up his selfish behaviour with more acceptable superficial niceness. It costs him little and allows him to look in the mirror.

Perhaps you could rock the boat by refusing to accept his niceynice.

I agree with @picklemewalnuts

He's being nice because it suits his purpose.

You don't have to get angry but don't get taken in. Don't think he's being nice because he loves you

He wants out of the marriage in the best way for him

Make sure you get what's right for you and DC

I agree it ‘helps him look in the mirror ’, although he’s falling back on some old (addiction related) coping techniques at the moment too.

I’m under no illusion that he’s in love with me - there is nothing in him to suggest that. He clearly believes that the OW is the true love of his life that he should have been with years ago.

I do have to be ok with him though for the sake of co-parenting.

I think you can be ok with him about child related stuff, without making it easy for him in other ways.

I don't know whether I could follow through with this myself- it's against the grain- but I wouldn't want him to bolster himself up using me. He's behaved badly and hurt you and should suffer the consequences of that.

I'm not talking about stuffing his shoes with prawns or anything, just give him the cold shoulder. Ignore him, and any overtures of niceness.

It's now a business relationship focussed on raising the children. Don't protect him from what he has done.

It's hard, because I'm sure you always have.

If I was my friend I would be telling me to give up on my H. It’s not just the fact that he doesn’t want to be with me anymore; he has other addiction issues which suggest he’s not a good bet. He’s currently relapsing. But if he turns it around then he can be great and someone else gets the benefits of it.

He becomes a man who’s happy with the outcome of his choices, even if he accepts that how he went about it was wrong.

Oh wow - so today I’m back where I was 3 weeks ago, I feel a physical pain in my back and my stomach is in knots. I can’t seem to function and have got into bed. It was triggered yesterday by seeing that he’d removed any mention of having a wife off one of his social media accounts. Nothing has changed but it makes me feel so bleak. It’s reminding me of just how keen he was to leave and jumped at any suggestion I made which would untangle our lives even a little bit. So hurtful when I was only 3 weeks past finding out about the affair.

OP, reading this thread made me cry because this happened to me and all the feelings you are describing are exactly how I felt. I took him back to stop the hurt and just ended up settling for 2 more years of hell. This was 10 years ago now, nowadays I am a completely different person. More confident, happier, more at ease with myself, I only wish that I had seen the light sooner and got rid quicker. I just wanted to say that you will be happy again and you will absolutely survive this.

@CluelessnotShoeless

Oh wow - so today I’m back where I was 3 weeks ago, I feel a physical pain in my back and my stomach is in knots. I can’t seem to function and have got into bed. It was triggered yesterday by seeing that he’d removed any mention of having a wife off one of his social media accounts. Nothing has changed but it makes me feel so bleak. It’s reminding me of just how keen he was to leave and jumped at any suggestion I made which would untangle our lives even a little bit. So hurtful when I was only 3 weeks past finding out about the affair.

Reading all your posts you seem to think that this will progress in a straightforward way - and it won't ! It will be steps forward and steps backwards at times and a maelstrom of emotions . You are catching up with him and he is months ahead of you in his mind. I never understand the ( real?) posts on here by people who discover this and are all over it 5 days later . I literally sat on my sofa for about 3 weeks barely eating and sleeping in fits and starts most of the time . It will get better but it does take a while ! All you can do is limit your contact with him currently and make plans to divorce . You will one day see that he is doing you a favour but yes the actual physical pain and anxiety is just horrible . All I can say is acknowledge that your feelings are normal . You won't get any answers from him - they rewrite life to suit their current needs.

OP you posted this upthread

Really the main thing is that he was unhappy, had an affair & walked out on his family

Yes of course that’s one possibility. But it’s not very likely. It’s far more likely that he was perfectly happy in his marriage but slightly bored with the constraints of having small children ( and most of us are at some time ) .

So he decided to have an affair to have fun, but of course he felt guilty. So he started to tell himself the lies that he had already told OW ie the script.

And of course the guiltier he felt at home, the more he avoided you and the more distant you two became.

So it’s not that unhappiness caused the affair. It’s his sense of entitlement that caused the affair and the affair caused his behaviour at home which caused his unhappiness.

That’s why you didn’t know he was unhappy. That’s why he never told you. Because he wasn’t unhappy. It’s all a lie to make you share responsibility for him cheating on you.

And please stop lying to your children - no wonder they are Confused. Unless they are both under 3 they can understand that their father has a girlfriend and wants to live / be with her and not be married to mum anymore.

Don’t you think there’s been enough lies already ?