Husband has left for another woman after 20+ years together

[CluelessnotShoeless]

I've lurked on the relationship boards over the years and read other people's stories about their husbands leaving after having an affair, thought how terrible it must be for them but never thought it would be me.

In August my husband told me that he was in love with someone else and clearly wanted to leave. After a few weeks at home he left for her. We have two children, one with additional needs. Although I can now see signs that he was distracted in the last few months before he told me it was a massive shock - I had no idea. I'd always felt confident in his love for me. In fact over the last few years he had acted more devoted but he now claims that he was trying to make things right in our marriage despite his feelings of unhappiness. I don't know what to believe - we've had a tough few years. It's frustrating because I also believed we got on really well but apparently it was nothing like the deep connection he has with his new girlfriend.

I have started divorce proceedings as there seems to be no other option. I am completely financially dependent on him too as gave up work a couple of years ago to focus on our youngest daughter. We are not telling the children the real reason for our splitting up. We have softened the blow to them by saying that we will still do things together as a family and I think that's the right thing for them. He has babysat for me a few times so I could meet friends.

About 12 years ago I left him as his addictions were getting out of control. He turned that around and I stayed with him but he put me through a lot and did some terrible things. I forgave him. I wish I hadn't.

I just feel terrible a lot of the time with only brief periods of thinking I'm better without him. I can't seem to think about anything else. I need to talk through my feelings obsessively and although it helps at the time, it doesn't last long before my feelings build up again. I can't reconcile who I thought he was with his actions, except I can because he has shown self-destructive tendencies in the past. I'm bored with my thoughts but can't stop them. The lockdown makes it worse as I feel so isolated.

I think what I need to hear is that it will get better and how long it will take. Please, if anyone has been in my situation, please share how you moved on and got past it.

@S00LA one thing I’m confident about in this mess is that the children should not learn so young that men cannot be trusted. I’ve taken professional advice on this too. It’s possible that my eldest will figure it out when she’s older and he’ll face the consequences but I’ll deal with that when it’s time.

But thanks for your feedback.

Hi @CluelessnotShoeless, wishing you the very best at this hard time.

Long after ex was gone, I was monitoring his social media waiting to pounce when I saw OW and/or whitewashing of me out of the family unit. I knew this was self-destructive behaviour, but it was like rolling a snowball - it was satisfying but ultimately I was the one with the cold, wet gloves.

A few months ago, I sent myself a text saying ‘I promise not to stalk ex on social media, day 1.’ Every time I was tempted, I sent myself a motivational text. ‘You can do this! 👊🏻‘

Sounds naff, but I kept it up for months until the habit was broken. It’s a tiny, tiny thing, and you are only answerable to yourself, but stating to set boundaries for your own behaviour might help.

one thing I’m confident about in this mess is that the children should not learn so young that men cannot be trusted
You wouldn't tell them that, would you?
My children worked it out before I did - my exh sat next to my dd texting his OW and she read it - but I told them what was going on. They know full well from their friends that it's not only the dads who have affairs. And I made it very clear myself that I think their dad did something wrong, but that it's a human trait and I don't think he's a monster, just a normal fallible human being. I didn't tell them all the details, obviously, but made it clear that if he wanted to leave me and start a new relationship, that would have been decent behaviour - but he did it in the wrong order!

If the kids are very small then presumably you'll be saying something along the lines of "Mummy and Daddy don't want to live together any more" - even that needs some explanation, to make it clear that it's not because he doesn't love them, or because he doesn't like living with them. To children it makes sense that "Daddy has got a new girlfriend so he can't live with Mummy any more as you can only have one girlfriend at a time".

I blocked them both on SM immediately, didn't want to see any of that crap. Why would anyone torture themself like that?

Thank you for your polite reply OP.

I have some professional and personal experience of sharing difficult information with young children. In the Uk it’s generally thought to be unwise to lie to children but instead to tell the truth in an age appropriate way. ( I know that in the USA there is often a different view).

One danger of lying ( or refusing to discuss it ) is that children will make up their own reasons for eg dad leaving and it will almost certainly be worse that the truth. As @ravenmum suggests, children often think he left because they were naughty / didn’t do well at school / tidy their room.

A child with additional needs will often think their father left because they are different from other children / can’t do some of the same things. And it’s very common for NT siblings to think this too.

Another reason for telling them is that this allows them to talk about their feelings and you can validate them. Sometimes the feelings are too big for a child and the parent needs to hold these feelings for them.

If you wait for them to find out themselves you can’t control the context or the words and you probably won’t be there. Do you really want your child to hear from a gossipy neighbour / family member or a classmate at school?

The child with additional needs does not and will not ever have the cognitive ability to understand. Actually I believe that her condition and his inability to cope IS one of the reasons we’re in this situation - not that he would ever admit that.

I’m based in the UK and it’s my Relate counsellor who said that she was too young to know the truth but I will discuss it again with her at my next session, based on what you’ve said.

Yes, it can be an escape from reality - and I do think that that, in particular, is actually something that women are rather less likely to feel we can treat ourselves too, as we have to get on with things... Hope this does not mean he's going to give up on his fatherly duties even further, OP.

There's no correct answer about what to say to the kids, in any case, and you have time to work on whatever story you go for. You sound like a smart person who could talk about it without making it about "untrustworthy men" - your Relate counsellor might just have some quite different clients who need that advice more. Over time, it will get easier to talk to your dd about what happened and perhaps even to say something positive about her dad occasionally, to make things feel less tense. But it's OK to talk about things you are not happy with, in an appropriate manner: that can even be good for the kids.

Honestly I’d struggle to keep my venom in - I think affairs are the ultimate betrayal and that marriage vows should not broken. It always shocks me when reading some of the posts on here that people don’t try harder to salvage their relationship and most posters seem to advise ending it. I thought me and H we’re on the same page regarding this.

I do accept that marriages end, of course, but that needs to be based on efforts being made by both sides. This excludes situations where there is abuse or when the treatment of one partner to the other is too cruel.

Actually I believe that her condition and his inability to cope IS one of the reasons we’re in this situation - not that he would ever admit that

I’m afraid I know several parents who left their children and spouse because they couldn’t deal with their child’s special needs. Of course the parent who was left didn’t have an option but to cope.

I also know parents who only saw their NT child after the split and refused to see the one/s with SN.

It’s awful.

I try not to judge as I know how life changing some disabilities can be for the whole family. And I can’t imagine what it’s like to deal with the shock of leaning that your child has a severe disability that will need life long care.

But I’m not doing very well on that “ not judging “ stuff . My heart goes out to you OP .

Thanks but now I actually feel a bit bad, maybe I’ve painted a bleaker picture of my child than the reality. I am still coming to terms with it myself and can sometimes catastrophise. I still believe it influenced the marriage breakdown though, maybe even my response to it, wanting more support than I’d ever needed before. There’s lots I could write but don’t want to give too much information.

On the more positive side I’ve stayed away from social media today.

Well done for avoiding social media hell :)

Honestly, for months and months after the event I could never have even begun to imagine feeling anything less than fury at my exh, but it did get better. Do what you can now, but in another two, or three, or five years' time you'll have the time and strength to explain it in more detail to your dd.

For me a very big part of the process was absolutely learning to come to terms with the fact that you can't make the other person act like you wish they would!

I’m so reluctant to post too many details as H knows I look at this website but I’m going to try.

H is not interested in any reconciliation as he moved on in his head a long time ago - the emotional affair started over a year ago now. If I was my friend I would be telling me to run for the hills anyway if he showed any interest in a reconciliation. (Interestingly if I was friend to OW I would be saying the same to her but that’s by the by).

H was away for a week and I found life much easier & calmer. I had a plan to do the 180 on him, genuinely solely for me. However, he was at the house today seeing the children. I had my ideas about custody and felt very clear that he should see the children away from the house. I’ve contacted a mediator so we can start the financial disc, I am pushing ahead with the divorce.

But H is not mentally stable; he is struggling to process the guilt of what he’s done do so I backed off. We still hug when we see each other, which I know is weird. We will do a couple of activities over Christmas for the children - I know this is the right thing.

I’m not sure what I’m saying really. Before he left two months ago I suggested that we be friends; but he is not my friend and was actually quite brutal in some of the things he said about me and our relationship - things he had never expressed previously. I’m struggling to let go. Every divorce website says that you need to let go but they don’t really tell you how, so how do you do it? Time?

Yes time.

And once you move ahead with the divorce, you will see what kind of man he really is. Not by what he says but by how he treats you and the children.

If he’s fair to you and always puts the kids first.

My husband left after 13 years of marriage and 23 years together..also my 20year old daughter sided with him..there was no reason for him to leave..he kept coming back and forward to pick our 9 year old son up..he looked physically distessed..i couldn't understand what was wrong with him..thought it was midlife crisis or possibly steroids he was taking was messing with his head..my 9 year old son then told me he was in contact with another woman..i reconised her from years gone by his childhood girlfriend..he made my son stay quiet for weeks which distressed him and we have a very close bond...during the 7 weeks before the penny droped he would tex me saying it was my fault for the break up i had relationships with boys when we were starting out at 18..all the abuse of the the day..who i was friendly with and horrible talk about my family..i now know it was to ease his mind of what he was doing..i comforted the mistress by message she went on to say inwas abuseive to him over the years and ahe was only there to support him..i was gobsmacked...he was the ine who beat me up over the years and i always felt sorry for him afterwards but really down hearted as i just resumed this is my life...for years of what i thought was love i now know was control and that i think is very hard to know the difference..but now im ready to start my new life and im a big believer in god and our guardian Angel's and believe they intervened to help me have the life i deserve...all i can sat is keep stong and keep the faith and theres a better life out there for all who believe..im loving getting back to myself i feel 18 again aloud to speak to people i never was before and isolated from..back to my routes and as the days go by i barely give him a second thought just excited about my new life that was always my destiny.

Personally I found it also helped to keep contact as low as possible. Not in a nasty way, just to reduce the amount of potential stress all round. Keep things quick and businesslike when you do have to meet.

Even then I had so many conversations with my exh in my head 😂

We had a few days recently with no contact except texts about children and I did feel better. I came up with a plan and suggested it quite calmly but there wasn’t proper time to discuss it. So we carried on as normal which resulted me telling him I’d felt crap that day and ranting about the injustice of what he’d done, so unhappy for years but didn’t tell me. If he had I would have made different choices, which would benefited my current situation. He said he thought it was a problem with him & not the marriage but realised later it was the marriage, probably about the time he started having ‘feelings’ for the OW. Anyway I said again that he needed to be at the house less but it was more coming from a feeling of upset rather than me controlling the situation, which is not how I wanted it to be.

My only comfort really is that although it was his decision to go he still feels guilty and looks shattered. But I also know that he will get over that, probably before I do.

I have found some threads on here regarding people who regret trying to fix their marriage after an affair food for thought - maybe by leaving and not reconciling he has done me a favour. Rather more sadly, I know that most affairs that lead to marriage result in divorce and it gives me comfort for now...,although I know that it’s beyond my control and it could last long term. If it does I hope I won’t care by then but at the moment I feel this massive sense of injustice.

the injustice of what he’d done, so unhappy for years but didn’t tell me. If he had I would have made different choices
Oh, so true! I was lucky in that I was able to keep working, but still I would not, for example, have got a dog (lovely as she is) if I'd known I'd end up in a little flat on my own, sole person in charge of the dog for years to come. I know someone else (wave if you are reading!) in the same situation who's just had to reluctantly rehome her ddog to get a job; her husband turned out to have been already up to no good before they got her. Total lack of any feeling of responsibility.

Not to mention that I wouldn't have had kids with him if I'd thought he was just going along with it to keep the peace - though that is his affair story, which has to be swallowed with a grain of salt the size of St. Paul's Cathedral.

Frankly, I think it's fair enough to allow yourself a few rants at first. That's what he signed up for when he got himself an OW.

Hmmm we got a dog too when the emotional affair had already started. I’m not sure he even knew it was an affair as such, but knew spending time with her was wrong. I think he would say that he wasn’t planning to leave then but really?? I’m probably the person who wanted the dog least and yet I’m left with him.

Quite - really?! Might not have been planning to leave, but when you are chatting up other women you must have some inkling that the marriage might not be going to last. Obviously you can't say "Better not get a dog as I'm flirting with my new workmate", but maybe some indication that you think the relationship might be strained and it might not thus be a good time to make long-term plans together?

In any case I can't say that my exh has got over his "mistake" and is now happy. OW cheated on him, latest gf is an online LTR on the other side of the globe and not looking too hopeful without flights. He's not really looking like the winner in this situation.

Having a complete anger stage at the moment and hating the injustice of my situation.

Last Saturday H asked when he could tell children that he had a girlfriend. It’s a long way off and in fact we’d agreed it would not be straight away previously. I don’t think he was asking to tell them now but it was just insensitive.

His mental health is not great at the moment (guilt) and I think he thinks it will get better once he’s settled into his new life. Divorce is done and dusted and he can move on. What annoys me is that he probably will get to be happy, despite his massive betrayal of me. His guilt will only last so long.

I know MN always seems to not lay any blame at OW but I also feel rage at her too. I could never have done what she did and I’m under no illusion that she feels any regret about her role. She knew he had children, one with learning difficulties. He won’t hear any of this of course.

Your answer should be "Let's wait until 2022 - you might have a totally different one by then anyway."

My exh has apparently now baked his first ever cake.
He's got nothing to do.
Seems the gf abroad he got after OW dumped him has now also dumped him. He is refusing to accept it and keeps trying to send her gifts.

Even if your ex stays with his lady friend, it will never be the dream they imagined it to be when they were star-crossed lovers. Real life can never live up to the thrill of an affair.

I did say that he didn’t know if it would last. He looked quite shocked as it hasn’t occurred to him that it won’t. From all the reading I’ve done around affairs since this happened (& I’ve done a lot), the relationship should crash but some do make it. I also think that, even if things are difficult, he’ll blame it on everyone else before it gets to looking at their relationship.

Argh I just keep thinking he wouldn’t have done this if she’d never existed. She’s been in the background a long time as a friend on & off over the years, but was always in a relationship. I never liked or trusted her but I completely trusted him.

I think I’m also angry that, after he told me about her, I was willing to work on the relationship for the sake of my children, our history and because I loved him. He came back for a few weeks but his heart wasn’t in it. Hopefully in the long run I’ll think he’s done me a favour - I hope so. Convinced this is a mid-life crisis but that doesn’t really help me.