Husband has left for another woman after 20+ years together

[CluelessnotShoeless]

I've lurked on the relationship boards over the years and read other people's stories about their husbands leaving after having an affair, thought how terrible it must be for them but never thought it would be me.

In August my husband told me that he was in love with someone else and clearly wanted to leave. After a few weeks at home he left for her. We have two children, one with additional needs. Although I can now see signs that he was distracted in the last few months before he told me it was a massive shock - I had no idea. I'd always felt confident in his love for me. In fact over the last few years he had acted more devoted but he now claims that he was trying to make things right in our marriage despite his feelings of unhappiness. I don't know what to believe - we've had a tough few years. It's frustrating because I also believed we got on really well but apparently it was nothing like the deep connection he has with his new girlfriend.

I have started divorce proceedings as there seems to be no other option. I am completely financially dependent on him too as gave up work a couple of years ago to focus on our youngest daughter. We are not telling the children the real reason for our splitting up. We have softened the blow to them by saying that we will still do things together as a family and I think that's the right thing for them. He has babysat for me a few times so I could meet friends.

About 12 years ago I left him as his addictions were getting out of control. He turned that around and I stayed with him but he put me through a lot and did some terrible things. I forgave him. I wish I hadn't.

I just feel terrible a lot of the time with only brief periods of thinking I'm better without him. I can't seem to think about anything else. I need to talk through my feelings obsessively and although it helps at the time, it doesn't last long before my feelings build up again. I can't reconcile who I thought he was with his actions, except I can because he has shown self-destructive tendencies in the past. I'm bored with my thoughts but can't stop them. The lockdown makes it worse as I feel so isolated.

I think what I need to hear is that it will get better and how long it will take. Please, if anyone has been in my situation, please share how you moved on and got past it.

I’m trying to deal with the awfulness of learning that not only was the last year or so a lie but my whole marriage was a sham that should never have happened. Because he wanted someone else.

That is a rewriting of history to make their affair into a love story. You know that when he was with you he was happy and in love. Either that or he is the greatest unknown actor of his generation and he should move to Hollywood pronto. Don't let them get into your head.

I have just read your thread - the name change will make people think you last posted on the 18th Nov which might be why it has fewer replies.

Keep on with the split. He has hurt you so much - and the flip flopping would be agony for me. You can’t do anything about his alcoholism and he is no longer your problem. Just because the OW has run for the hills (not that deep, was it, the love?) doesn’t mean you have to stop your exit too. He can sort himself out. You can heal away from him.

Oh crap - I see in the space of 12 hours they ended up back together. Perhaps less contact would be good. Just contact about the children. I don’t think it can be anything other than painful to be “friends” now.

I think I need to focus on the alcoholism. I don’t want that in a relationship. If I can let him go for that reason it’s should be enough.

It’s the thought of them being happy off the back of their treatment of me that makes me so angry.

They probably won’t be long term. It’s a crappy way to start a relationship and she knows he’s a drunk and can be very deceitful. Not all that attractive.

I do hope they break up. If we can’t make it work then I think I could accept him with someone else.

They’re doing all sorts though, joint therapy sessions, going with him to AA meetings. She’s basically being the perfect woman that I was not. Plus she’s shiny & new. He’s told me he can’t live without her.

I know that the goal for me should be indifference. But I can’t imagine being there.

Honestly, the last few days have brought me back to where I was when he first left me. The stupid thing is that, in spite of it all, I still hope. It’s stupid - I know that. My heart can’t seem to catch up with my head.

The thing is I truly believed that he loved me, adored me & accepted me for who I was. I find myself saying to myself that ‘I am worth something’ and that ‘I’m worth more than him’ but I still want him, or the version of him that I thought he was. I could have forgiven him, if he genuinely wanted reconciliation. I know this. Why do I have the husband who doesn’t beg for forgiveness and want to return home?

I read some of the other threads on here of husbands crawling back and I’m jealous.

Chumplady.com

Everything you are feeling is normal
Everything he is saying is classic script
You DO have choices even if it doesn't feel like it. Yet.
You WILL get back on your feet
Highly recommended getting a good therapist and investing in yourself.
One day at a time. If you need to go to bed, go to bed, and then get up. Eat little and often if you can, I lost KILOS.
Read Mumsnet, there is so much good advice and support. It's extraordinary that men like this all say the same thing it seems?!

I know about Chumplady. I’ve bought her book, follow her on Facebook and am on a Facebook group.

He doesn’t seem like the stereotypical philanderer though. This is not prostitutes, multiple affairs. He loves her & crossed a massive moral line - hence the relapse after many years.

So it makes it difficult to relate to some of her posts/blogs.

I'm not surprised you feel angry. Feel angry! And then get busy.
I was so broken I felt like stick lady, you know the book? Hoping he would come back. And then I started thinking hang on what does sticklady do when stick man turns out to be a knob? She reads chumplady.com and She gets a new life!! New book!!

Aw sorry clueless ok. Although he's not treating you very well though is he?! Whatever you decide, all the best xx

I have just started seeing a therapist weekly but it’s difficult during lockdown as my youngest wanders in, she doesn’t understand what I’m saying (autism) but it interrupts the flow. Also see lovely Relate lady every couple of weeks. I just don’t know how I got here.

This is silly but originally it felt like he went off without looking back. When he was still drinking after he left, having relapsed in the 4 weeks after he told me, I got some comfort in the fact that he at least felt some guilt.

Having read his texts on Saturday, while he was passed out in the marital bed, his therapist said that he was possibly drinking as part of his grief for our relationship. He says that he wishes he could turn the clock back 3 years and spoken to me. Also, that he’d know I loved him as much as I did and, if he had, he wouldn’t have done it. But this is cold comfort now. If he’d spoken openly to me I could have taken action and prevented this maybe?

I loved him (& still do) and never thought he would do this to me and to us. But she was always there - the fantasy person in the background.

@blackcurrantjam the issue is that he’s decided so I don’t have any choices.

Relate lady has said that sometimes you accept that you will always love someone but that they’re gone. I hope that one day I will love someone else.

I’m so sorry OP. What a horrible man. I have two dc with autism and it does hugely take its toll on a marriage but it seems to be women who do the majority of care. Work is not comparable to caring for a child with disabilities. And I expect with like a lot of men, he’s gotten bored of the responsibly of family life and drifted off towards something new and shiny.

My ex cheated on me with someone he worked with. Thankfully we had no kids but it hurt badly. I loved him and he was my best friend. The day I moved out was the day I cut all contact with him. I know you can’t cut all contact with him because of the kids but I’d move to contact solely when really necessary about the kids. I’d also not being doing things with him. My ex cheated on the person he left me for. Like yours he also told me how in love they were and how she was his soulmate but I was his best friend and he couldn’t be without me. Absolutely selfish fuck.

“I know you can’t cut all contact with him because of the kids but I’d move to contact solely when really necessary about the kids. I’d also not being doing things with him.”

This with bells on. He’s trampled all over your heart repeatedly now. This is on him, not you. No-one needs to screw someone else because they’re unhappy. This is on him.

And every time you let him back in, he stomps on your heart again. You can legitimately tell yourself now that you left the door open for long enough. But that is over now. Let your head take over and look after your heart. Take back control. That’s the only way you will start to mend. Your future self will thank you.

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Xx

Could it be that you always were partly a carer / mother / enabler for him, with his additional (addiction) needs? (Consider his wish for 'romance' - ie special attention and support?) And when you had children, and then a child with additional needs, you simply weren't available to provide that attention any more. And perhaps you looked to him to provide more emotional support to you (understandable if you were doing the lion share of the caring). Once those needs of his were not longer being met, indeed more bring expected of him, he started, perhaps unconsciously, to cast his net around for another woman to give him attention and excitement, disengage him from boring reality. It's shit, really. But might explain why a) you fear he's going to have fun and excitement without you - that's certainly what he's hoping for, but who really wants to be someone else's prop - and it's just not sustainable. Maybe if you'd never had kids; and b) he still is treating you like you partly in a relationship. He's still wanting to get strokes and attention and love from you - he's hungry for it. From you, from her... I'd say basically he's an inadequate, emotionally stunted selfish man, who's walking away from the challenges of having a family and leaving you with with significant caring responsibilities.

Start to consider what your life might be like in 5 years time, if you had 50:50 childcare responsibilities. What career, learning, fitness, travelling, hobbies, personal development you might be doing. Think about how much you've sacrificed for him. I'd suggest you entirely minimise contact, he's not your friend, truly - he can't be, his cognitive dissonance is going to be too strong.

The mans an alcoholic - you did not cause it, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it.
You need to remove his from your life.
He will cause a lot of damage emotionally to your children.
Look up Alanon and Coda and Adult Children of alcoholic websites.
You are better off without him.

@namechange5575 I think what you’ve written is spot on. When I started to suspect our youngest had autism I leant on him for support, probably for the first time ever. He’d been sober for years and I thought he was strong. And it was my turn to be vulnerable. Because he was sober I’d forgotten how needy he was because he hid it.

@Whydidimarryhim I do now attend AlAnon and have done for the last few months. One of his criticisms of me was that I never got ‘AA’ and that I only went to AlAnon once - this isn’t actually true, I went 6 times but I didn’t need it when he was sober. Now I need it and it has been a lifetime for me - a safe place to say what I feel. Shame it’s all on Zoom these days.