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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband FB use

158 replies

Badwill · 02/11/2020 22:26

Hi all,

(Sorry this ended up so incredibly long!)

I wrote a post under a different username a little while ago. Essentially it was about my DH using Facebook to look at women. He's quite proud of the fact he doesn't use SM much, but over the past four months (possibly longer but that's how far back I've seen) he has logged in at least once a week, often more, to trawl through the profiles and photo albums of women he knows and some women he doesn't. It seems when he tires of the ones he knows, he looks through his friends's friend-lists until he happens upon a profile picture of a woman he deems attractive and then searches through her photos and so on.

From his phone search history he practically never looks at male friend profiles or random pages, it seems he goes on FB for the sole purpose of looking at attractive women, often in revealing clothes/swimwear.

I wrote about this on AIBU and while one or two said they wouldn't like it, the general consensus was that he was only looking, not messaging, so it was no big deal. I tried to put it out of my mind and hoped I was overreacting but I felt really unsettled by it as I think it's hugely inappropriate and frankly really creepy. He's almost 40 years old and some of these women are in their twenties. It's also made me paranoid if I see he's logged into FB during the day when he's at work. I've never been a jealous person but it's made me feel horribly insecure.

Anyway, I recently went away for one night to my hometown and he stayed here with our young DCs. When I got back he laughingly told me he'd had three wanks in the time I'd been gone Confused which was 27 hours in total.

I had a sinking feeling and checked his phone the next day. Sure enough he had spend AGES on FB, more than ever, looking at photo after photo of women. I think it's fair to assume he's using these pictures as wank fodder, isn't it? I feel sick about the whole thing.

He finally figured out about iPhone search history and clicked that I was looking at his phone so has started to erase his history the last couple of weeks. He also took off his password (Ive always known his password so I'm not sure what difference that makes?) and leaves his phone lying around when previously it was glued to him. He doesn't know I've been looking for months though, I imagine he thinks I've only seen the most recent history.

I want to confront him tonight but I don't know what to say. Part of me is still wondering if I'm overreacting? He will 100% get defensive and deflect (never, ever admits wrongdoing) so I want to be prepared and hold my nerve. Does anyone have any advice? Am I still over reacting? WWYD?

OP posts:
StephenBelafonte · 02/11/2020 22:33

Can you just confirm that I'm understanding this correctly - you went away for a night and when you came back your husband told you that he had had 3 wanks during the time you were away. Is that right? Because that alone is a seriously strange thing to say.

Yeah, he's sounds weird and creepy. Where did you meet him?

Badwill · 02/11/2020 22:36

Hi StephenBelafonte yes that's exactly it. I thought it a bizarre thing to say too but he thought it was funny? First night in a year he's tasked with solo care of the DC and he uses the time to wank like crazy?

We met at work 8 years ago.

OP posts:
SpongeWorthy · 02/11/2020 22:53

@Badwill

Hi StephenBelafonte yes that's exactly it. I thought it a bizarre thing to say too but he thought it was funny? First night in a year he's tasked with solo care of the DC and he uses the time to wank like crazy?

We met at work 8 years ago.

He sounds like a fucking creep. Gross to trawl through the pictures of friends of friends / strangers and wank over them. Particularly while looking after your kids. Then telling you about it. Grim.
Aquamarine1029 · 02/11/2020 22:56

When I got back he laughingly told me he'd had three wanks in the time I'd been gone confused which was 27 hours in total.

That is fucking grim. Your husband is a creep.

Badwill · 02/11/2020 23:21

Gross to trawl through the pictures of friends of friends / strangers and wank over them.

This is my feeling too. I'm not a fan of porn but this somehow feels worse to me. Some of these people he knows, I don't know how well he knows them. They have no idea their image is being used like this which gives it an extra edge of creepiness to me (of course I have no proof they actually are but it sure looks that way). I've been torturing myself over this for months and I don't know what steps to take.

OP posts:
ReneeRol · 02/11/2020 23:24

He's only looking. As for the wanking, as long as the kids were asleep in their own rooms then so what? Men wank.

ReneeRol · 02/11/2020 23:25

So do women.

SpongeWorthy · 02/11/2020 23:34

@ReneeRol

He's only looking. As for the wanking, as long as the kids were asleep in their own rooms then so what? Men wank.
You wouldn't think it was grim if a mate of a mate, or a man you knew through work etc looked through all your Facebook photos while he wanted? You wouldn't think your partner was a creep if they did the same? It's ok to think it's grim. Nobody has said there's anything wrong with wanking - it's the trawling through pictures of acquaintances and feeling the need to announce his wank tally to OP when she gets home that's weird as fuck.
SpongeWorthy · 02/11/2020 23:35

That was meant to say:

You wouldn't think it was grim if a mate of a mate, or a man you knew through work etc looked through all your Facebook photos while he wanked?

Wanked, not 'wanted'

Josuk · 02/11/2020 23:45

Not sure what you are going to confront him about, really.
He clearly looks for visual stimulation for wanking. FB is quite an innocent place for that, and not the most usual. As porn is available so freely.
As to him wanking to a picture of someone other than you - I think it’s naive to expect that every time a man wanks he only ever thinks about his W. I am sure images of other women appear in the minds of men.
Just like I am sure thousands of married women reading Shades of Grey - didn’t imagine their husbands as they went through sexual scenes in the book.
Using imagination to get a bit of sexual variety that people crave isn’t threatening. It’s actually healthy in a relationship.

Josuk · 02/11/2020 23:49

Forgot to add. Most of my FB pics are with kids, so not much of a wank material.
But if I had pictures that meant to empathise my ‘assets’ - and put them for all to see - the intention of that would be to get attention from men. And only a naive woman can not assume that at some point such pictures can be used for wanking.

SpongeWorthy · 03/11/2020 00:18

@Josuk

Forgot to add. Most of my FB pics are with kids, so not much of a wank material. But if I had pictures that meant to empathise my ‘assets’ - and put them for all to see - the intention of that would be to get attention from men. And only a naive woman can not assume that at some point such pictures can be used for wanking.
Bloody women, eh? Asking for it.
Badwill · 03/11/2020 00:42

While many were "revealing" photos, most were normal night-out type pics and plenty were "normal", some with their DC in the pics too as I assume once someone caught his eye he was just scrolling through all their photos. So on that basis I wouldn't be too quick to assume your photos aren't wank material Josuk!

Honestly though I'm not naive (hence why I've not said anything to him so far) if I'd saw he was watching porn I don't think it would have bothered me too much, I wouldn't be thrilled but would "get it". I can't really articulate why this feels worse to me but it just does.

I suppose with porn it's the depersonalised nature of it. He doesn't know those women, most of them know what their images will be used for. He's never going to meet them, chat to them in the supermarket, wish them happy birthday on FB. What he's doing now seems a slippery slope if that makes any sense? He could easily chat to some of these women IRL, send a friendly private message - the first name I saw on his phone which lead me down this rabbit hole was one of my own friends! He only met her once but had looked through tons of her pics...do I now have to worry that if my friend is there he's imaging all sorts? I can honestly say I've never used someone we know as "inspiration" in that sense. It would feel very disloyal and like I said, a slippery slope.

Thanks for all your comments though, I appreciate the input. Oh and I'm not condoning the porn industry by the way, I know it's hugely damaging to women, I'm just trying to explain my reaction to a seemingly "innocent" browse on FB.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 03/11/2020 07:53

It sounds really sleazy
I wouldn't be happy about it either

Sunflower1970 · 03/11/2020 08:06

I’d have a conversation and ask how he would feeling if you were doing similar behaviours when he goes out. He sounds like a sleaze bucket with no respect for you

Badwill · 03/11/2020 10:30

Thanks Sunflower I said it to him this morning. Told him how uncomfortable it made me and like you said, I asked how he would feel in my shoes. He didn't say a word, just a face like thunder. He didn't help get the DC ready (which he usually would on the two mornings he goes in to work later) he just stormed out without a word. Sigh. I imagine I'm getting the silent treatment for the rest of the week...

OP posts:
EarthSight · 03/11/2020 14:18

Eugh. I wouldn't like that at all. It's too close and far to easy for him to contact one of these women. They are women in his extended circle, and could meet up with them if he wanted (not that they would want to).

NeilBuchananisBanksy · 03/11/2020 15:25

Does he often use the silent treatment op?

He's sounding worse and worse. He knows it's wrong, hence his reaction.

Don't pander to him this week. Don't do anything for him and don't let him get away with trying to brush this under the carpet or be in a strop.

Be icely calm.

Badwill · 03/11/2020 16:35

Does he often use the silent treatment op? sadly yes Neil it's his go-to. Any time I've ever broached an issue in the relationship he deflects, gets very defensive and then stews in silence. After a few days of silence from him and resentment from me things sort of slide back to normal and that's that until the next time. I've told him this is a ridiculous way to "solve" conflict but I can't see anything changing at this point. I should say it's not often this happens but when it does it always follows the same script. There's no proper communication and/or resolution of problems.

I expect in this instance it will be even worse as he's clearly in the "wrong" and he hates that.

OP posts:
cosmicbabe · 03/11/2020 17:31

I used to get the silent treatment. I know now that this meant he was in the ring and had been caught out and had no valid excuse for his behaviour / cheating....

Sorry OP but what you have described is creepy AF. Ask yourself would you spend hours scrawling through photos of men on FB?.....

Its totally disrespectful to you as a wife / GF and if he hasn't actually cheated it's probably only because he hasn't had the chance or he's looking at woman whom are out of his league....

whataday12 · 03/11/2020 18:00

He's disgusting. I would be fuming if my partner even joked about having 3 wanks when I left the house . It's disrespectful. 🤢. What a slimy sod . I'd kick his ass out until he learns you won't put up with it . Creep!

Badwill · 03/11/2020 18:00

Sorry OP but what you have described is creepy AF. Ask yourself would you spend hours scrawling through photos of men on FB?.....

I definitely wouldn't! The thought would never even enter my head. I've felt it was creepy AF since I found out but have been questioning myself, particularly after the previous post I wrote about it when most posters said it was no big deal, he was only looking. I figured I must have been overreacting.

I can't speak about it to anyone IRL so I've been going round and round in my head getting nowhere. It is actually a relief that people are agreeing it's inappropriate, I feel my concerns have been some what validated - although a consensus that you're married to a creep can never really be a good thing...

What do I do?!

OP posts:
whataday12 · 03/11/2020 18:01

@Badwill

Thanks Sunflower I said it to him this morning. Told him how uncomfortable it made me and like you said, I asked how he would feel in my shoes. He didn't say a word, just a face like thunder. He didn't help get the DC ready (which he usually would on the two mornings he goes in to work later) he just stormed out without a word. Sigh. I imagine I'm getting the silent treatment for the rest of the week...
Cause he's embarrassed and guilty . People like him hate getting caught out don't go grovelling to him he has caused all this not toy
Skyla2005 · 03/11/2020 18:29

This would really upset me He is bahaving like a teenager. In some ways I think it’s worse than porn why the hell is he using Facebook for that ? You need to sit him down and tell him what a knob he is and make him delete Facebook for starters. What a dick Make sure he know you know what his been doing !!

Anothernick · 03/11/2020 18:31

Sounds like there is a communication issue here. He does not resolve issues with you or engage properly when you try to discuss things. And personally I wouldn't tell my DW how many wanks I had when she wasn't there unless she asked, which I very much doubt she would. Some things should be private.

But using FB for wank material is really not something to worry too much about. People fantasise about all sorts of things, winning the lottery, playing for England, shagging other people etc etc as long as it is only fantasy then what's the problem?

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