Husband FB use

[Badwill]

Hi all,

(Sorry this ended up so incredibly long!)

I wrote a post under a different username a little while ago. Essentially it was about my DH using Facebook to look at women. He's quite proud of the fact he doesn't use SM much, but over the past four months (possibly longer but that's how far back I've seen) he has logged in at least once a week, often more, to trawl through the profiles and photo albums of women he knows and some women he doesn't. It seems when he tires of the ones he knows, he looks through his friends's friend-lists until he happens upon a profile picture of a woman he deems attractive and then searches through her photos and so on.

From his phone search history he practically never looks at male friend profiles or random pages, it seems he goes on FB for the sole purpose of looking at attractive women, often in revealing clothes/swimwear.

I wrote about this on AIBU and while one or two said they wouldn't like it, the general consensus was that he was only looking, not messaging, so it was no big deal. I tried to put it out of my mind and hoped I was overreacting but I felt really unsettled by it as I think it's hugely inappropriate and frankly really creepy. He's almost 40 years old and some of these women are in their twenties. It's also made me paranoid if I see he's logged into FB during the day when he's at work. I've never been a jealous person but it's made me feel horribly insecure.

Anyway, I recently went away for one night to my hometown and he stayed here with our young DCs. When I got back he laughingly told me he'd had three wanks in the time I'd been gone which was 27 hours in total.

I had a sinking feeling and checked his phone the next day. Sure enough he had spend AGES on FB, more than ever, looking at photo after photo of women. I think it's fair to assume he's using these pictures as wank fodder, isn't it? I feel sick about the whole thing.

He finally figured out about iPhone search history and clicked that I was looking at his phone so has started to erase his history the last couple of weeks. He also took off his password (Ive always known his password so I'm not sure what difference that makes?) and leaves his phone lying around when previously it was glued to him. He doesn't know I've been looking for months though, I imagine he thinks I've only seen the most recent history.

I want to confront him tonight but I don't know what to say. Part of me is still wondering if I'm overreacting? He will 100% get defensive and deflect (never, ever admits wrongdoing) so I want to be prepared and hold my nerve. Does anyone have any advice? Am I still over reacting? WWYD?

@Alongwayfromeverything

36 posts on this thread and nobody has asked what the fuck you are doing going through his phone and internet history.

The issue here is you don’t trust him, so I would try and work on that one way or the other.

Also FWIW three wanks in a day is perfectly acceptable

Wow that's all I can say from your reply 😴

No that wasn't me - yet anyway!

Clearly SM had come to be used by a certain (creepy) contingent of men as a tool for their behaviour.

Also FWIW three wanks in a day is perfectly acceptable

It certainly is - however announcing it to your partner in unrelated, general conversation is pretty fkg weird.

@Badwill

Does he often use the silent treatment op? sadly yes Neil it's his go-to. Any time I've ever broached an issue in the relationship he deflects, gets very defensive and then stews in silence. After a few days of silence from him and resentment from me things sort of slide back to normal and that's that until the next time. I've told him this is a ridiculous way to "solve" conflict but I can't see anything changing at this point. I should say it's not often this happens but when it does it always follows the same script. There's no proper communication and/or resolution of problems.

I expect in this instance it will be even worse as he's clearly in the "wrong" and he hates that.

Silent treatment should be called silent punishment because that's what it is. He wants to punish you for bringing up issues. It's a form of being in control.

Oh God these types of men are such hard work

Inflicting boundaries on them makes them alot worse.
They become further entrenched in their idea that they are right.

Usually resentment sets in on both sides and they only know how to make things much worse.

By the time they realise they have fucked things up its too late.

Idiots.

My ex used to do this too, I found on the internet search history. He also watched so much weird porn on my laptop that it eventually broke. And he turned out to be a creepy, misogynistic covert narcissist. Yuck. If I tried to talk to him about anything to do with this he totally gaslighted me. Stonewalling you is similar- he is refusing to be accountable.

I agree with gilbert too. His sexism sounds deeply ingrained. Women are for sex, housework and childcare, all of which he feels entitled to have you provide for him despite his own lack of contribution, while other women are there for his viewing and titillation simply through the virtue of being visible.
It’s not a great approach is it?

Oh no I would most certainly not be happy about this. Far, far too close to home. Incredibly disrespectful to be leering over your wife's friends and possibly your friend's wives?! Creepy to use FB in this way.

Did he talk to you yet OP? Any apology/attempt to explain (or excuse)? I really don't know what I'd do in your position. I would be definitely insisting he comes off FB at a minimum. Otherwise you'll always be paranoid when you see he's online (understandably!) I know it shouldn't come to that in a relationship but his actions caused this. To be honest I'm agog that after you confronted him he hasn't straight away deactivated his account, or at least kept away from it. He'll know you've seen him online yesterday. I hope I'm wrong but the cynic in me would think it's almost like a "fuck you" ...

My first thought was that he has unlocked his phone and left it lying around because he is escalating his porn use on an second phone, to which you do not have access...

Thanks everyone. Really appreciate all the comments.

Nothing from him at all Shetoshe. He slept on the couch and was gone to work by the time we got up so nothing was said. I'm wondering how long he intends on keeping this up.

Usually we both sort of slide back to normal after a few days but this time I don't want to say a word until he addresses it with me. I know it's childish but I'm not prepared to sweep this under the rug like everything else by pretending nothing happened. I can't take living in anger and resentment! I want to have a conversation about it and am not prepared to talk to him until he engages in one properly. I'll probably be holding my breath for a long time

I would like him off FB, I too am amazed he's still using it (again this morning). I really thought he'd stop as soon as I mentioned it, I have thought perhaps he was using it as a petty one-up on me but I don't know.

Always a possibility MrsWooster who knows? He already has two phones but one is old and battered and the internet doesn't work properly on it. So if he had another it would be a third phone. He's out of the house for up to 14 hours per day most days and could easily keep a phone in his work car over night which I'm never in. I'd be none the wiser.

I don't want to even think about that though. For fear I start driving myself completely crazy!

Women need to stop thinking that they can 'fix' a man's issues by 'communicating' with him. He knows what he is doing is wrong; he knows it is disrespectful to you and the women he is creeping on; he categorically doesn't care. Please don't internalise his issues as your own and believe you have the power to solve them by talking to him. You are not an emotional support animal, it is not your job to teach/nurture/raise him into having basic respect for you (and women in general)

And the above is before we even touch the stonewalling and emotional abuse. Please OP, choose yourself.

He sounds like an utter abusive creep OP.

@GilbertMarkham great post.

OP,
Try detaching from this man.
Let that be a focus for your energy.
Don't make any effort to run after him or speak to him.

You need to focus on your future and your children's future.
He's a sleeze and always will be.
The 3 wanks conversation is so grim.

I hope your contraception is bullet proof while you think about your future.

He's really no prize.

You're right IJustWantSomeBees of course you are. If we didn't have DC then it wouldn't be a question but as we do I want to at least try to solve this before throwing in the towel. Divorce would be a complete mess in so many ways and I'd have to move the DC three hours away.

However if he shows he categorically doesn't care and doesn't make any attempt to remedy the situation then of course there's no use even attempting to flog a dead horse and I'll have to start planning for separation. I really never thought it would come to this.

Sorry you're going through this Badwill. It's a horrible realisation when the scales begin to fall from your eyes.

Also to echo what billy said - get bulletproof contraception until you make your decision. The last thing you want when you're planning to leave is feeling forced to stay due to another pregnancy.

Well I was going to mention it in the OP but thought it probably wasn't really of relevance to the situation and also thought if I made the OP any longer then no one would read it! But I'm currently in the middle of a miscarriage. It was an unplanned pregnancy (reckless after a glass of wine too many). I had mixed feelings about it considering I had begun questioning his actions but ultimately had decided to go ahead with the pregnancy. When the bleeding started I was really quite sad but I've also had feelings of relief if I'm honest. I don't want another baby, especially not in these circumstances.

The doctor has put me on a bridging pill until the bleeding stops and then I'll have a Mirena coil fitted. So contraception won't be an issue.

This was why I thought it particularly cruel that he didn't help with the DC yesterday. I'm used to managing them on my own so in normal circumstances it wouldn't make a jot of difference but he knows I'm physically and emotionally a bit spent at the minute and could have put his feelings aside but didn't.

Best of luck to you Badwill

@Badwill your last post just makes him even more of a cu*t.
He knows he's been caught out so is sulking and behaving like a child.

This was why I thought it particularly cruel that he didn't help with the DC yesterday.

So you told him his uncomfortable his Facebook behaviour has made you (and I think many of us think you're v justified in that) and his response has been to not speak to you, huff, stone wall and actually leave you dealing with two small kids while miscarrying.

(This is on top of the background attitude towards sex, which sounds entitled, naggy and verging on coercive - while he hasn't stepped up with support for two babies within 14 months).

I'd have to agree with lady muck's term for him.

I'm really sorry op. I doubt someone like this will change.
Glad to hear you've gotten contraception sorted, another child would only make things even harder on you (whether you stay or leave).

As an aside on the main topic of his apparent behaviour on Facebook.
From reading this forum and from personal experience, it's clear of the men who use visual stimulation for masturbation (the vast majority it seems), there is a variation (and sometimes overlap) in the type and source of images they use (purpose made pornographic, semi pornographic, celebs, "real" women). The real, local woman using men are bound to create huge discomfort in their partners. It feels personal, it feels creepy because those people have rarely shared those images with any intention or awareness they'd be used that way etc.

It also makes the partner feel, rightly or wrongly, like they could chest more easily if they have the opportunity with the women.

Obviously some women feel just as uncomfortable about purpose made pornographic images and pornography but it's fair to say even quite permissive women in that regard would be deeply uncomfortable about the use of not purpose made pornographic images of local women, even friends and acquaintances.

Your DH seems to be drawn to and heavily (almost exclusively?) use that type of image and that makes him a very "difficult" partner for the vast vast majority of women, I think.
In short; it's not you.

His other behaviours (attitude towards childcare & sex, his non communication (bullying really, I think) are shit partner traits too.

Did you say he works long hours - do you think that's truly necessary or does he stay away to avoid childcare demands/hassle?

Is he sexually selfish as well entitled/naggy?

Incidentally I'd say women use a similar combination of types of images for fantasy and wank fodder (celebs, porn, local men - though they seem to use romantic & erotic fiction more than men for various reasons) but I can't see many women using images of local men to such an extent/in such a way .... And if they were attached and their partner found out about it; I'd imagine their partner's reaction would be similarly very uncomfortable, angry, wondering if it could escalate with opportunity etc.

Urghhh what a board is man, not only is what he doing creepy abs sleazy it also shows a staggering disrespect to you.

Add to that he's a sulked and punishes you makes me think you're in a pretty shitty relationship with an arsehole

I just want to say again to you that I am so sorry that this is what you are dealing with and especially in light of your last post.
His treatment of you at this time is not just pathetic and shirking of care and responsibility, it is barbaric.

You sound very strong, and can see you have the will to use that strength to move on. The other posters are so so right, you don't need to ask him questions when you already know the answer. They are so right that women do (well I know I have) waste their time asking these lost cause men questions we already know the answer to via their actions and behaviour. Even in the asking we are I suppose, giving them far more kindness and humanity than they deserve. It would only be wasting of your time and energy that only you and your children deserve.

You poor poor woman.
I'm so sorry.

What a nasty abusive prick.

Have you anyone IRL that you can call upon.

Just awful.