Husband FB use

[Badwill]

Hi all,

(Sorry this ended up so incredibly long!)

I wrote a post under a different username a little while ago. Essentially it was about my DH using Facebook to look at women. He's quite proud of the fact he doesn't use SM much, but over the past four months (possibly longer but that's how far back I've seen) he has logged in at least once a week, often more, to trawl through the profiles and photo albums of women he knows and some women he doesn't. It seems when he tires of the ones he knows, he looks through his friends's friend-lists until he happens upon a profile picture of a woman he deems attractive and then searches through her photos and so on.

From his phone search history he practically never looks at male friend profiles or random pages, it seems he goes on FB for the sole purpose of looking at attractive women, often in revealing clothes/swimwear.

I wrote about this on AIBU and while one or two said they wouldn't like it, the general consensus was that he was only looking, not messaging, so it was no big deal. I tried to put it out of my mind and hoped I was overreacting but I felt really unsettled by it as I think it's hugely inappropriate and frankly really creepy. He's almost 40 years old and some of these women are in their twenties. It's also made me paranoid if I see he's logged into FB during the day when he's at work. I've never been a jealous person but it's made me feel horribly insecure.

Anyway, I recently went away for one night to my hometown and he stayed here with our young DCs. When I got back he laughingly told me he'd had three wanks in the time I'd been gone which was 27 hours in total.

I had a sinking feeling and checked his phone the next day. Sure enough he had spend AGES on FB, more than ever, looking at photo after photo of women. I think it's fair to assume he's using these pictures as wank fodder, isn't it? I feel sick about the whole thing.

He finally figured out about iPhone search history and clicked that I was looking at his phone so has started to erase his history the last couple of weeks. He also took off his password (Ive always known his password so I'm not sure what difference that makes?) and leaves his phone lying around when previously it was glued to him. He doesn't know I've been looking for months though, I imagine he thinks I've only seen the most recent history.

I want to confront him tonight but I don't know what to say. Part of me is still wondering if I'm overreacting? He will 100% get defensive and deflect (never, ever admits wrongdoing) so I want to be prepared and hold my nerve. Does anyone have any advice? Am I still over reacting? WWYD?

You need to sit him down and tell him what a knob he is and make him delete Facebook for starters.

I did say it this morning that I'd seen his Facebook search history. I hate the thought of being in a relationship where one person tries to control the others SM use - there should be no room for that shit in a healthy marriage. Yet part of me really wants him to just bloody get off it. If the roles were reversed and he'd confronted me there's no way I would be going anywhere near FB and yet he has been online more than once today. Doesn't seem the actions of a man feeling contrite...

He'll be home in a hour or so... I'm steeling myself for icy, awkward silence.

So with all issues does he deflect? Give you silent treatment? Are you having a nice life with this man in general otherwise?

Whoever told you before that it was normal and that he was 'just looking' so it didn't matter.... Why should you or would you feel OK with it? It doesn't make you feel nice. I'm pretty unshockable but I have to say it immediately struck me as really weird to spen hours scrolling though friends of friends on fb and wank over them. Its undoubtedly creepy. Creepier still obviously, because its not porn. It's almost very child like, but still unsettling as most women haven't uploaded fb photos for people to wank over. Also the declaring the number of wanks he'd had whilst you were gone, very child like, almost like a teenager. For what reason is he telling you that? If he has a problem with your sex life do you want to be with a man who would broach it in this manner? I'm not sure I would.

Do you like him? I'm sorry you are dealing with this.

I don’t think I’d be over the moon with this either OP.

I’m a bit confused as to how you know he’s wanking over these photos as you’ve described them as “normal” and often including DC. Maybe he’s just a nosey fucker?!

That’s not to say he doesn’t sound rather unpleasant, but I don’t know how you can be sure that’s what he’s using the photos for

Thank you LumpyPillow yes he does this with all issues. The "issues" only started when the DC came along. Before that we were very happy and never really had disagreements at all. Age old story of him not stepping up to the plate and leaving all the parenting to me. He's not happy with our sex life, with the frequency anyway. I've explained that if he took some of the pressure off with the DC (they were only 14 months apart so it was very full on on at the beginning) then I'd have more energy for our sex life but to no avail.

Things had actually started to improve in the few months before I saw his phone history. The youngest had FINALLY started to sleep through and I thought we were getting back on track. Then this happened.

I had considered leaving when my DC were younger but wanted to give it a good try, for their sakes but also because I loved him and we are very compatible in many ways and share a nice life together most of the time.

Does anyone have any wisdom on how to tackle this with him? Wondering what others would do in this scenario?

I'm not sure IfIHadAHeart. But I think it's a fair assumption given when he does it/how he does it. If it's nosiness then he's only nosey about young, attractive blondes (he definitely has a "type") He didn't deny it either when I said it to him. I think if I was completely off-track he would have been outraged at the suggestion?

My H reacted the same way OP when I brought up his ‘occasional ‘ porn use that turned out not to be so occasional at all, had a face like thunder and didn’t speak for several hours — it’s embarrassment and guilt.- he knows full well it’s something that wouldn’t sit ok with you. I think most women would not be ok about this either- take no notice of men on here who say it’s no big deal- if it’s a big deal to you— it’s a big deal!!!

I consider myself pretty laid back but would not be ok with this.

I think it feels wrong because he's decided that anything that a friend or friend of a friend posts on SM is up for grabs by him. It feels grubby, dodgy and a bit desperate to be honest. But clearly he doesn't see anything wrong with it.

And that fits with the picture you're painting of someone demanding sex from you, but without fulfilling the loving, supportive part of the marriage.

The positive is that he's told you though. I think.

Thanks yetmorecrap. Yes he definitely knows it's wrong. Before he realized about the phone history I was able to see he was deleting his activity log on FB so he obviously knew what he was doing was wrong and he didn't want me to see. Did you manage to discuss with your H? Did he stop?

He came home a while ago, greeted the dog, completely ignored me and has decamped to the other livingroom which we never, ever use at night. I feel I'm the guilty party here. I suppose I am guilty of snooping on his phone, I imagine he's seething I "caught" him.

I agree with spy just there.
That’s how I feel about it. I’m easy going enough but I’d find this creepy and rather driven...as well as sad. I’d be mortified by and for him.

Given he’s one of those twats who ducks out of the shit work while expecting regular sex, I can only offer my sympathy. Not much fun for you...and now this. The modern day equivalent of a Peeping Tom aided by the convenience of the internet.
Stupid fucking man.

36 posts on this thread and nobody has asked what the fuck you are doing going through his phone and internet history.

The issue here is you don’t trust him, so I would try and work on that one way or the other.

Also FWIW three wanks in a day is perfectly acceptable

I did actually trust him Alongway in spite of his flaws he has never, ever given me any reason to not trust him. I didn't have a single worry that he'd cheat or anything like that. He's always made me feel completely secure in that sense.

He actually gave me his phone for the day as a backup, as we had a power cut back in August and my battery was low and we live very rurally. He has another phone for work.

I was actually deleting my history from his phone as I had ordered some underwear as we were going away for the weekend the following week. I didn't want him to see as I was trying to surprise him and make an effort (the irony!) When I was deleting it I saw my friends name and was wondering why he was looking at her profile as I knew they weren't FB friends and then I went back as far as the phone allowed and saw there were dozens and dozens of profiles.

I was literally shaking as I was looking. One because I had never gone through his phone like that before and it felt a complete invasion of privacy and also because it was such a shock as I trusted him completely up until that point.

Now the trust has been shaken and I hate how I'm feeling - insecure and suspicious. Even if he apologises and tries to reassure me (which he's making no moves to do at all so far) I'm worried I'll never have that unshakable trust again.

NoPrivateSpy has said it best: 'And that fits with the picture you're painting of someone demanding sex from you, but without fulfilling the loving, supportive part of the marriage.'

I would definitely attempt to talk to him and say exactly what you've said here, that you realise he may feel frustrated but that you are too, because you still feel unsupported by him since the last time you spoke and would also like your sex life back.

I would ask him why he hasn't responded to what you said the last time about needing more help. I'd ask him if he wants to do that for you. Because that's a big thing I think that we very often don't ask. Someone should WANT to support and do their best for their partner. If there is dome other obstacle stopping him, fine, work it out. But if it's sheer lazy couldn't give a shit sloppy man child can't be bothered reasons: don't continue to stay with that.

If you get no or a pathetic response to that, I would ask why he would seemingly rather reach a strange, sad low of looking at photos of random women than talk to you and respond to your needs as a partner and as a father.

Do not feel guilty op- this is all of his making. This is part of punishing you- classic deflection.

Don't feel sorry for him sleeping downstairs. Stay calm, quiet and don't let him sulk his way out of this one. Remember: Ice queen!

He sounds awful. Is this the life you really want?

NoPrivateSpy has said it best: 'And that fits with the picture you're painting of someone demanding sex from you, but without fulfilling the loving, supportive part of the marriage.'

I would definitely attempt to talk to him and say exactly what you've said here, that you realise he may feel frustrated but that you are too, because you still feel unsupported by him since the last time you spoke and would also like your sex life back.

I would ask him why he hasn't responded to what you said the last time about needing more help. I'd ask him if he wants to do that for you. Because that's a big thing I think that we very often don't ask. Someone should WANT to support and do their best for their partner. If there is dome other obstacle stopping him, fine, work it out. But if it's sheer lazy couldn't give a shit sloppy man child can't be bothered reasons: don't continue to stay with that.

If you get no or a pathetic response to that, I would ask why he would seemingly rather reach a strange, sad low of looking at photos of random women than talk to you and respond to your needs as a partner and as a father.

NoPrivateSpy has said it best: 'And that fits with the picture you're painting of someone demanding sex from you, but without fulfilling the loving, supportive part of the marriage.'

I would definitely attempt to talk to him and say exactly what you've said here, that you realise he may feel frustrated but that you are too, because you still feel unsupported by him since the last time you spoke and would also like your sex life back.

I would ask him why he hasn't responded to what you said the last time about needing more help. I'd ask him if he wants to do that for you. Because that's a big thing I think that we very often don't ask. Someone should WANT to support and do their best for their partner. If there is dome other obstacle stopping him, fine, work it out. But if it's sheer lazy couldn't give a shit sloppy man child can't be bothered reasons: don't continue to stay with that.

If you get no or a pathetic response to that, I would ask why he would seemingly rather reach a strange, sad low of looking at photos of random women than talk to you and respond to your needs as a partner and as a father.

I would definitely find this too.
close, personal and real (in terms of visual stimulation/wank fodder. Definitely feels creepy & uncomfortable.

His stone walling, silent treatment etc. make it sound, no offence, like he dominates and you dont rock the boat,let things go, pander to him etc. Works quite well for him.

My impression that he thinks he runs the show and you're his subordinate/inferior in some ways; is backed up by your description of his "parenting" style. . you do all the graft, he does fk all .. yet pressures and moans about sex.
It's only gotten better,not because he's changed his attitude & effort, but because your youngesf child is sleeping through to this lightening your solo burden and allowing you to return to normal sexual service.

He sounds very entitled, really rather chauvinist (whether he appears to be or not on the surface) etc.

Childcare is woman's work apparently, providing sex is also a woman's role - regardless of the burden on your shoulders of all the childcare. And ordinary women including your friend who've (mostly, I imagine) posted photos without the intention of sexual titillation are wank fodder.

He also spends hours browsing their pics while presumably you've been doing the vast majority of the child and house work.

I think you have a values problem here (his values) ... And those tend to be rather entrenched and set in stone.

I dint think be thinks you have the right, as the little woman and domestic/childcare/sex appliance to challenge him or complain at him about anything. Hence his response is anger, stone walking, silence, ostracism etc and no discussion, apology for anything that may be unfair/inappropriate etc., no concession etc.

I don't know what to advise but I think the creepy sleazy inappropriate Facebook stalking and (sounds very much like wanking) is a symptom of a general issue with his character and values.

*stone walling

Sadly I think you've got it GilbertMarkham. I've been attempting to convince myself otherwise for years, but I think the sexism runs deep. We have two DDs and he talks the "enlightened" talk about them and their future, but his actions towards me show a different tale.

Your post made my stomach drop with its accuracy and insight.

Jesus this is a bit of mess

*stone walling

Just in case it wasn't clear from my post - I couldn't be any more in your corner re. The Facebook behaviour.

My partner watches porn (moderately I believe), he sometimes Google's photos of eg actresses he's seen in films/on TV who he thinks are attractive. We have a long relationship, the sort in which you become comfortable talking about your celeb mini crushes and teasing each other about them.

But I would absolutely, utterly uncomfortable and unhappy if he was browsing through the FB profiles and photos of my friends, friends of friends, local women etc etc. When it's all women and they're all attractive

(Are you the poster from a while back who says he couldn't even go into a shop or cafe or something without later looking up on FB the v attractive worked there, or was that another poster?)

@GilbertMarkham

Just in case it wasn't clear from my post - I couldn't be any more in your corner re. The Facebook behaviour.

My partner watches porn (moderately I believe), he sometimes Google's photos of eg actresses he's seen in films/on TV who he thinks are attractive. We have a long relationship, the sort in which you become comfortable talking about your celeb mini crushes and teasing each other about them.

But I would absolutely, utterly uncomfortable and unhappy if he was browsing through the FB profiles and photos of my friends, friends of friends, local women etc etc.

(Are you the poster from a while back who says he couldn't even go into a shop or cafe or something without later looking up on FB the v attractive worked there, or was that another poster?)

Omg I remember this post too

Are you the poster from a while back who says he couldn't even go into a shop or cafe or something without later looking up on FB the v attractive worked there, or was that another poster?

No that wasn't me - yet anyway!

I'm really sorry op, you don't have to do anything immediately. You can get your ducks in a row and try to deal with the emotional side in your own time. You can leave if and when it suits you.

At least your eyes are open now, as depressing and sad as that might be.

I just don't think people change their core values. Maybe others would disagree.