Husband FB use

[Badwill]

Hi all,

(Sorry this ended up so incredibly long!)

I wrote a post under a different username a little while ago. Essentially it was about my DH using Facebook to look at women. He's quite proud of the fact he doesn't use SM much, but over the past four months (possibly longer but that's how far back I've seen) he has logged in at least once a week, often more, to trawl through the profiles and photo albums of women he knows and some women he doesn't. It seems when he tires of the ones he knows, he looks through his friends's friend-lists until he happens upon a profile picture of a woman he deems attractive and then searches through her photos and so on.

From his phone search history he practically never looks at male friend profiles or random pages, it seems he goes on FB for the sole purpose of looking at attractive women, often in revealing clothes/swimwear.

I wrote about this on AIBU and while one or two said they wouldn't like it, the general consensus was that he was only looking, not messaging, so it was no big deal. I tried to put it out of my mind and hoped I was overreacting but I felt really unsettled by it as I think it's hugely inappropriate and frankly really creepy. He's almost 40 years old and some of these women are in their twenties. It's also made me paranoid if I see he's logged into FB during the day when he's at work. I've never been a jealous person but it's made me feel horribly insecure.

Anyway, I recently went away for one night to my hometown and he stayed here with our young DCs. When I got back he laughingly told me he'd had three wanks in the time I'd been gone which was 27 hours in total.

I had a sinking feeling and checked his phone the next day. Sure enough he had spend AGES on FB, more than ever, looking at photo after photo of women. I think it's fair to assume he's using these pictures as wank fodder, isn't it? I feel sick about the whole thing.

He finally figured out about iPhone search history and clicked that I was looking at his phone so has started to erase his history the last couple of weeks. He also took off his password (Ive always known his password so I'm not sure what difference that makes?) and leaves his phone lying around when previously it was glued to him. He doesn't know I've been looking for months though, I imagine he thinks I've only seen the most recent history.

I want to confront him tonight but I don't know what to say. Part of me is still wondering if I'm overreacting? He will 100% get defensive and deflect (never, ever admits wrongdoing) so I want to be prepared and hold my nerve. Does anyone have any advice? Am I still over reacting? WWYD?

I’d be tempted to do the same to see what happens. Announce you have had a wank while he’s out and leave your phone open on a Gorgeous Instagram models page.

Announce you have had a wank while he’s out and leave your phone open on a Gorgeous Instagram models page.

No offence but that wouldn't be the same; the same would be ops dh being lent her phone and discovering that she's been looking through his mate's FB profile & pics, followed by every connected young man who's attractive's pics .... Him being aware she's done that one a week or more for at least four months, and then recently confirming (after she's laughingly announced she had three wanks while he was away for a day) that she's done the same (hours of looking at local men's FB pics) during that time.

Obviously this doesn't really translate well for men - because men do not post pics of them.in swimwear, dressed up for nights etc in the same way as women.

*once a week

This makes me want to delete Facebook

It also doesn't translate well because comparatively so few women would use non professional (model, actor, celeb etc) men's pics in such a way.

I can imagine a woman with s crush on a particular man looking through his FB profile and pics ... But not compulsively looking at multiple (attractive) women's FB profiles and pics, one after another.

*men's

Did you say he works long hours - do you think that's truly necessary or does he stay away to avoid childcare demands/hassle?

He's always been a bit of a workaholic. He's proud of the fact and very money motivated. We met at work (technically he was my boss) and even then he worked insane hours. He's self-employed now and while the hours are necessary during the week (quite a long commute) he has definitely used work as an excuse to "escape" at the weekends to do other jobs that were not at all necessary. He'd say he "needed" to do it for the money but he didn't.

Is he sexually selfish as well entitled/naggy? surprisingly no he's not sexually selfish at all. Quite the opposite in fact. We have always been very compatible in that regard, moreso than any other relationship I've had. As for pestering, he wouldn't really nag me as such and after the pregnancies he was patient and never rushed me. He would be the type to be a bit of a groper though and I have snapped at him to back off a number of times over the last few years. As in squeezing your area when you're bent over loading the dishwasher/making dinner or something like that.

He was never selfish at all until the DC but I suppose he had his life set up in exactly the way he wanted so he had no reason to be.

Thanks again for all the replies, I'm finding them really helpful as (to answer billy's question) I don't have anyone IRL to discuss this with. That's why I'm pouring paragraph after paragraph of verbal diarrhea onto the page I've been holding it all inside my head for too long. Honestly I'd be too humiliated to tell anyone. If I end up going down the separation route it would take quite some time. I'm doing a masters part time and wouldn't be able to move from here for at least 18months. I wouldn't want my family/friends knowing I'm living like this for 18 months, I couldn't take the questions/worry/pity. I'd rather keep quiet until I'm ready to take definitive action.

Squeezing your *arse even!

OP,
Take this time to get copies of any documents re your finances/deeds/income/payslips/bank accounts etc. safely tucked away so that you have all information you need.

Open a new bank account that he will know nothing about and start siphoned money away into a get away fund.

Make plans, take back control.
Do what is best for you long term.
If it's after your master's, so be it.

But take back control.
Highly unlikely he's a long term bet.

Mind yourself.
Keep posting

Thank you billy1966 that's really good advice.

That's why I'm pouring paragraph after paragraph of verbal diarrhea onto the page

You haven't at all!

(And that's coming from a ridiculously long-winded, convoluted poster).

Gosh I'm so sorry to read that OP. That makes his reaction ten times worse.

I understand not wanting to tell friends in real life, I would be the same. That said though, it's a lot to keep bottled up (does your family even know about the miscarriage?) so be sure to keep posting and hopefully venting on here will provide a little relief and get it all out from your head - that can drive a person crazy at times.

Has there been any more of a response from him today? Is he home yet?

Hi Shetoshe

No they don't know about the miscarriage either. I will probably tell them that in time, my mum and sisters anyway. I think it's one of those things that generally comes out when you're face to face and I won't be seeing them for quite a while, what with lockdown.

Yes he's home. He played with the DC for a while before bed and is now back in the living room ignoring me . He did mumble a comment to me about our eldest when I was getting her ready for bed. I didn't quite catch what he said so I just ignored it. I think it was possibly an attempt to thaw the ice but not a very good one!

I hate this kind of atmosphere and tension though. I've never experienced it with anyone besides him. It seems like such a waste of energy. I've had so much to do today (work and assignments etc) yet I can't focus as this is all I can think about. If another day passes like this I'm going to have to be the first to "crack" so to speak.

I've had a partner do exactly the same, I'm not prudish by any measure and I definitely don't want to be the wank police. But there was something about using the images of women he knew that was particularly creepy. I came across them accidentally as he had saved the images to his desktop computer and the photograph previews popped up as a screensaver when he went to the loo.

The fact that by porn standards the images were incredibly tame made it much worse for me. He was mainly looking at profile pics and head shots. To wank over them he must have had to use a fair bit of imagination.

I also felt a bit aggrieved on behalf of the women who's images he'd copied, it felt like an invasion of their privacy too.

All in all it was a bit too close to home for my liking so I get why it would be an issue.

So this is a thing then lucie8881?! How depressing. Did you mention it to him? Wondering what his reaction was like?

Yes I too feel creeped out for the women in question. I've since hidden most of my photos on my own FB page - I don't use it much and most of the photos are from years ago but the thought of some random guy on my friend list doing this gives me the shivers.

It must be a thing! His apple iCloud was linked to the PC in some way so whenever he saved a picture to his phone it automatically saved onto the photo gallery on the home computer. I don't think he realised that that was happening. I had a look through the pictures and there were loads, a large proportion of them were from his best friends profile. Again, just profile type pics nothing more than a bit of cleavage at the most, you would not have thought them particularly great wank fodder.

I confronted him but he went down the route of it's all a giant misunderstanding Initially he said it was pics his friend had sent, I pointed out they were quite blatantly screenshots and it doesn't explain the images from the several other women. He then said it was before we got together, that too was bullshit. Ultimately it contributed to us spitting a short while later.

I don't want a partner that is mentally shagging any vaguely attractive female he knows. Whether that's insecure on my part, I'm unsure but that was my boundary. And, like with any sexual preference I don't think he could switch it off, just become more covert.

Just to point out that stonewalling and the silent treatment are emotionally abusive behaviours.

Yes category12 if it wasn't for mumsnet I really wouldn't have realised that. I don't think he would agree though. He has said before (following an argument about the DC) that he walked away because otherwise he'd end up saying something he'd regret. I think he thinks it's a good tactic he's been a bit of a hothead in the past apparently so it's as though he has to stay quiet as the alternative is a raging temper, there's no middle ground. That doesn't explain the days and days of silence though.

I've never witnessed this temper by the way, he's usually quite steady and calm.

So, cut through that, and that is a threat really, isn't it?

"I do this, because you really wouldn't like it when I was angry," like the Incredible Hulk.

Yes, I suppose that's exactly what it is...

Perhaps I’m naive but I really don’t think scrawling through FB to find attractive women to wank over is normal behaviour at all. It’s bad enough he’s finding women on his friends list and wanking over innocent images of them but he’s actually going out of his way to hunt through their friends lists for others too. It’s so creepy and just utterly bizarre behaviour. Porn isn’t great but it’s forgivable, hunting for pics of women he knows on nights out just isn’t.

He sounds like a sleaze OP and his reaction kinda says it all too. Stonewalling you and trying to make up rubbish excuses and lies. Just goes to show how little respect he has for you really. I’d heavily reconsider the marriage.

Porn isn’t great but it’s forgivable, hunting for pics of women he knows on nights out just isn’t.

This is what I'm struggling with Noitjustwontdo if I forgive this I would feel like a complete walkover and I imagine he will ultimately have even less respect for me if I let it slide as he'll know he can "get away with it" so to speak. I would have NEVER tolerated anything like this in previous relationships. Then on the other hand I start to panic and think ending a marriage and ripping my children's world apart over him looking at photos, seems so extreme. I'm utterly conflicted.

My parents divorced and while adult me can see it was absolutely the right decision (my father is not a good man and I'm NC) but as a child I thought it was the worst thing in the world and it had an enormous impact on every aspect of our lives. My DC currently have the type of childhood I fantasized about as a child. I'm loathe to destroy that. I feel really stuck.

Wouldn't be arsed if it was porn but this is just thirst af bordering on stalking

*thirsty

I think you have a values problem here (his values) ... And those tend to be rather entrenched and set in stone.

I agree with this, and the rest of Gilbert's post. This isn't about a few photos - it's about his fundamental values. It doesn't matter that some posters wouldn't have a problem, that's up to them. To me, this would show a fundamental difference in my values and those of a partner and as difficult as it is, I wouldn't want to stay with them.