Husband FB use

[Badwill]

Hi all,

(Sorry this ended up so incredibly long!)

I wrote a post under a different username a little while ago. Essentially it was about my DH using Facebook to look at women. He's quite proud of the fact he doesn't use SM much, but over the past four months (possibly longer but that's how far back I've seen) he has logged in at least once a week, often more, to trawl through the profiles and photo albums of women he knows and some women he doesn't. It seems when he tires of the ones he knows, he looks through his friends's friend-lists until he happens upon a profile picture of a woman he deems attractive and then searches through her photos and so on.

From his phone search history he practically never looks at male friend profiles or random pages, it seems he goes on FB for the sole purpose of looking at attractive women, often in revealing clothes/swimwear.

I wrote about this on AIBU and while one or two said they wouldn't like it, the general consensus was that he was only looking, not messaging, so it was no big deal. I tried to put it out of my mind and hoped I was overreacting but I felt really unsettled by it as I think it's hugely inappropriate and frankly really creepy. He's almost 40 years old and some of these women are in their twenties. It's also made me paranoid if I see he's logged into FB during the day when he's at work. I've never been a jealous person but it's made me feel horribly insecure.

Anyway, I recently went away for one night to my hometown and he stayed here with our young DCs. When I got back he laughingly told me he'd had three wanks in the time I'd been gone which was 27 hours in total.

I had a sinking feeling and checked his phone the next day. Sure enough he had spend AGES on FB, more than ever, looking at photo after photo of women. I think it's fair to assume he's using these pictures as wank fodder, isn't it? I feel sick about the whole thing.

He finally figured out about iPhone search history and clicked that I was looking at his phone so has started to erase his history the last couple of weeks. He also took off his password (Ive always known his password so I'm not sure what difference that makes?) and leaves his phone lying around when previously it was glued to him. He doesn't know I've been looking for months though, I imagine he thinks I've only seen the most recent history.

I want to confront him tonight but I don't know what to say. Part of me is still wondering if I'm overreacting? He will 100% get defensive and deflect (never, ever admits wrongdoing) so I want to be prepared and hold my nerve. Does anyone have any advice? Am I still over reacting? WWYD?

My parents divorced and while adult me can see it was absolutely the right decision (my father is not a good man and I'm NC) but as a child I thought it was the worst thing in the world and it had an enormous impact on every aspect of our lives. My DC currently have the type of childhood I fantasized about as a child. I'm loathe to destroy that. I feel really stuck.

But you have to consider your own mental health and wellbeing. It's no good for the children if you lose who you are, your self-worth and are subjected to poor treatment.

And how idyllic can a childhood really be, when punctuated by dad's moods and mum placating him? If you think they're shielded from it now, the likelihood is they're more aware than you realise, and will become more so as they grow up. Is this the model of relationship you'd like them to replicate in their own lives? And how will he treat them when they're old enough to challenge him?

Then on the other hand I start to panic and think ending a marriage and ripping my children's world apart over him looking at photos, seems so extreme. I'm utterly conflicted.

I'm not saying you should end your marriage (it's easy to say it when it's not you) but just to be accurate you wouldn't be ending it over some photos.

You'd be ending it over that behaviour, plus his lack of support/not stepping up with your babies, plus his use of work not to pull his weight with childcare/domestic stuff, plus his stone walling, silent treatment, huffing and lack of communication & compromise when you have a problem. ) Apparently it was that way when you tried to get him to step up more with the kids - he changed nothing, it improved almost entirely due to them getting older & sleeping more) .. and it's like this now when you're (very understandably tonne and numerous others on this thread) hurt, icked out/freaked out, v uncomfortable etc about his behaviour on Facebook.

Also you say you've realised he's chauvinist, in spite of saying some pc things. When you have justified problems with his behaviour, it apparently gets accepted/brushed under the carpet because he huffs, stone walls, gives you the silent treatment, withdraws (even leaves the house when you're coping with a miscarriage when he would normally give some help two mornings a week) until you let it go.

He hasn't apologised (you say he never does), he hasn't tried to explain (not that he really can), he hasn't even offered not to behave like that on Facebook again ... He's just stone walking you til you speak/let it go.

It's not some photos.

*very understandably to me and others on this thread

My guess is he's one of those men that categorizes women I to two groups....oned he'd shag and ones he wouldnt. That's about as deep as it gets.

You don't have to do anything right now or at all, but it's good to have your eyes open.

He sounds like he thinks he's got you under the thumb.

As above, his apparent choice of eye candy and masturbation material (female friends, friends of friends, presumably their relatives, local women you may know/see around etc.) via a platform that is not pornographic/sexual, whatever .. would make many women very very uncomfortable.

You're not alone in that.
And I bet he fkg wouldn't like it if you dud any sort of equivalent. He had no answer to your question about how he would feel, and no wonder.

(It's not even seeing a v attractive woman, having a little fantasy about her and indulging in a look at her social media - uncomfortable for a partner if they became aware of it, but still not this woman to woman, profile to profile, compulsive looking and using for sexual purposes.).

It would still be creepy behaviour you'd be letting go, but if he said he was sorry, he realised it's inappropriate, he understands why it would make you v uncomfortable etc and he wouldn't be doing it again; at least he'd be showing some accountability, empathy, and compromise. Instead he's doing his usual routine of stone walling, even while you were miscarrying.

In fact the huffing, stone walking and walking out while you were still miscarrying (when he'd normally have helped you with kids that morning) because you confronted him about something (something he'd not be happy about if it were reversed and you were the one caught repeatedly, extensively browsing local men's Facebook profiles & images, I'm sure) is something that really deserves an apology, yet will you get one?

That was truly shitty behaviour too. He could have said "let's discuss this later, ok - I'll do abc with kids and we'll talk about this later". Instead he apparently felt justified leaning you to deal with them alone, while miscarrying - because you dared to confront him.

Or is this back to "my tempers so extreme, I'd be better leaving and not exploding"? That's an issue too.

Sorry about the long posts.

Hi GilbertMarkham - please don't apologise for your posts, they've been invaluable to me. Your insight is razor sharp. I really appreciate you taking the time to help a complete stranger!

I was ruminating on all the posts last night and after another evening of being ignored and him hiding in the living-room, I couldn't take all the thoughts churning around and around in my head. I was trying to finish an assignment that was due today but I couldn't focus so I decided to compose an email to him. I didn't think I would send it, but I needed to get everything out of my head and try to organise my thoughts.

I would never get the chance to say everything I wanted to say in person. I knew if I tried either he would deflect/storm off, or else I would be so full of rage I wouldn't be able to articulate what I wanted to say, or worse I would burst into tears. The email outlined pretty much everything I've said here (I was going through all of your comments making notes sad but true!) I spelled out what I thought he was doing, how long I've known, how it made me feel, how creepy/pervy/peeping Tom-esque it all was, how I would never do it to him and risk our children's future for a quick wank, the disrespect to me, the disrespect to the women involved etc. I really went to town. I told him I didn't want to hear excuses - there are none. I told him I wouldn't listen to him getting defensive and all the other crap he tries when he's in the wrong. That if he didn't apologise and try to make things right I would never get past this.

I sent the email to him this morning when he was at work. I've spent the day sick with nerves about it all. I couldn't eat or think straight. I figured this was the end of my marriage, as I couldn't ever imagine him apologizing (says a lot really) and I was preparing myself for conflict this evening.

He came home an hour ago. He apologised. I'm pretty sure it's the first apology I've ever received from him. I was stunned into silence and told him I'd said all I wanted to say and I left the room.

Now I feel worse. I'm so upset. Even though I knew I was right and I told him I didn't want to hear excuses (I really don't) at the same time I realise a tiny part of me was hoping there was some sort of rational explanation for it all. I've been minimizing it to myself for months and now the reality is weighing heavy. I don't know how I can attempt to get past this. I feel the trust has vanished and he's left me an insecure mess.

Anyway I just wanted to give an update and say thank you again to everyone who posted and helped me through a very low week

I feel for you.
I’ve recently caught my OH doing similar. He also then treated me like shit when I was upset about it.
It becomes hard to make your own judgements but I just keep thinking - would I treat him in this way? Would I treat anybody I care about in this way? Does he actually care about me? The answers don’t give me much hope.
Just wanted to say I have a slight idea of how you are feeling.
I hope you’re recovering from the miscarriage and taking care of yourself. It sounds like you’ve had a really rough week

Thank you MandB23 you're very kind. I'm sorry you're also dealing with this. It seems to be a pattern for some sadly. I hope things improve for you soon too

Well done OP, you are a great woman.

He sounds so awful.

You are worth so much more.

Take your time to think things out.

I'm so sorry, but he truly is so grim.

You will hopefully get this eventually and realise you are worth 10 of him.

You're very brave, OP. I hope his apology was sincere and he is taking time to think through what you've told him and see it through your eyes.

Don't be insecure - you have done the right thing and it doesn't have to mean the end. It can mean the beginning of being honest and asking for him to step up?

Great idea about the email. I did that very thing with my Ex. Unfortunately I think that's your next step but that's just my opinion.. Only you k ow if you want to carry on but you will probably be here again starting a new thread this time next year xx

Email was a great idea. How he behaves now will determine your future. Good luck.

How are you getting on OP?

It worries me and it’s a sad fact that a lot of men are like this. So so grim.

You deserve the very best in life OP.

I don't know if I would be able to move past this. My respect for him would be gone. Why do they have to be so utterly stupid and selfish and mess it all up? What more do they want?

So even know he has apologised, what now? How does he explain why? Is he going to do it again and if not, does he understand why it's an issue?
I'd want to know the answers to these questions before I could consider staying with him.

Yes OP, how are things going?

Hi all,

Thanks for checking in it probably won't come as too much of a surprise but Friday night's "apology" was short lived... Yesterday it was business as usual - silent treatment and no help with the DC. I brought the DC out for a walk in the woods for a couple of hours to escape the atmosphere. I text him while we were there and asked if he would peel the potatoes for dinner. No reply, but I thought he definitely would as no matter the mood he would usually always do something like that if I asked. Anyway returned home and he hadn't moved off the couch (he lay there pretty much all day long and worst part he was on FB numerous times throughout the day). Checked the fridge and nope, he hadn't peeled them.

I was sure he must have forgot or not gotten the message. I made dinner, he stayed on the couch and didn't have any. I was getting pretty angry as the day went on and as soon as I put the DC to bed (he waited until this time to move off the couch) then I confronted him.

Asked him what was going on, was he trying to make my life so intolerable that I'd be forced to leave and he wouldn't be the bad guy (I'm starting to think this is probably true) asked was he even sorry at all as he wasn't acting like a man who was. He said he was sorry (with a really defensive non-sorry tone) he said he'd given his apology last night but he wasn't going to... he trailed off at this stage but it was clear -I was lucky to get an apology and he had no intention of doing any more/groveling. He then went on that he would never look at anyone's phone like that. I KNEW he wouldn't be able to help himself and just had to put the blame back on me.

There was more back and forth - I asked WTF he was still doing on FB and that of the tables were turned the first thing I would have done is deactivate my account. He said he'd "only" been on it once or twice that day (it was more) I told him if he thought we were staying together and he was going to remain on FB he can dream on. He then angrily said "well you delete yours too then" ?! Gobshite! I was shaking with anger at this stage which eventually turned to tears as I told him he clearly wasn't sorry at all (he still insisted he was) I called him a pig/a prick for acting like this while I'm still in the middle of a miscarriage and stormed out. Not my finest moment I'll admit.

Obviously there's no coming back from this. I spent the night oscillating between crying and rage. Today has been much the same. He made a bit more effort with the DC and brought them out for a walk but then went back to lie down on his spot on the couch.

I'm feeling incredibly miserable today. I've been looking up family law solicitors and trying to figure what to about the masters - logistically/financially I'm in for a bit of a nightmare but I don't think there's any way around that. If he'd even attempted to act contrite I think things might have potentially been salvaged but he couldn't even manage that.

Sorry this was so long with a lot of he said/I said but hopefully the gist is clear!

You only get one life. You know what you need to do OP. Good luck xx

Thank you cosmicbabe x

Oh and he had got the message about the potatoes, just didn't bother to do it. Looked at me and said nothing when I asked him why.

I'm so sorry OP.

But yes, you only have one life.

Reach out for support IRL.

You sound like such a great woman.

Worth 10 of him.

Thank you billy your kind words are much appreciated. I had such an urge to bundle the children up last night and run home to my mum (I'm 34 years old!) if it wasn't for lockdown I think I really would have.

I want to take the week to try and work out some of the practicalities and see what the solicitor says. I'll then have an idea about whether I'll have to move yet or not. Then I will tell my family.

My ex was like this, vowed to change, never did he always went back to his grubby ways. It’s very hard at the time. Years later I’m remarried and even had another dc, he rarely crosses my mind these days.
💐