Husband FB use

[Badwill]

Hi all,

(Sorry this ended up so incredibly long!)

I wrote a post under a different username a little while ago. Essentially it was about my DH using Facebook to look at women. He's quite proud of the fact he doesn't use SM much, but over the past four months (possibly longer but that's how far back I've seen) he has logged in at least once a week, often more, to trawl through the profiles and photo albums of women he knows and some women he doesn't. It seems when he tires of the ones he knows, he looks through his friends's friend-lists until he happens upon a profile picture of a woman he deems attractive and then searches through her photos and so on.

From his phone search history he practically never looks at male friend profiles or random pages, it seems he goes on FB for the sole purpose of looking at attractive women, often in revealing clothes/swimwear.

I wrote about this on AIBU and while one or two said they wouldn't like it, the general consensus was that he was only looking, not messaging, so it was no big deal. I tried to put it out of my mind and hoped I was overreacting but I felt really unsettled by it as I think it's hugely inappropriate and frankly really creepy. He's almost 40 years old and some of these women are in their twenties. It's also made me paranoid if I see he's logged into FB during the day when he's at work. I've never been a jealous person but it's made me feel horribly insecure.

Anyway, I recently went away for one night to my hometown and he stayed here with our young DCs. When I got back he laughingly told me he'd had three wanks in the time I'd been gone which was 27 hours in total.

I had a sinking feeling and checked his phone the next day. Sure enough he had spend AGES on FB, more than ever, looking at photo after photo of women. I think it's fair to assume he's using these pictures as wank fodder, isn't it? I feel sick about the whole thing.

He finally figured out about iPhone search history and clicked that I was looking at his phone so has started to erase his history the last couple of weeks. He also took off his password (Ive always known his password so I'm not sure what difference that makes?) and leaves his phone lying around when previously it was glued to him. He doesn't know I've been looking for months though, I imagine he thinks I've only seen the most recent history.

I want to confront him tonight but I don't know what to say. Part of me is still wondering if I'm overreacting? He will 100% get defensive and deflect (never, ever admits wrongdoing) so I want to be prepared and hold my nerve. Does anyone have any advice? Am I still over reacting? WWYD?

You are only 34 years old and have an excellent head on your shoulders @Badwill.
Don't make his grubby shit your life any more, you can absolutely and will, have a fantastic life without him. One where you don't need to worry about your 'D' H wanking away to your friends holiday pics

One where you don't need to worry about your 'D' H wanking away to your friends holiday pics amazingly this actually made me laugh bumhead the absurdity of it all! I don't know how this became my life.

I'll be clinging on tight to poster's words of future happiness. It is hard to imagine at this moment in time but hopefully I'll get there.

@bumhead

You are only 34 years old and have an excellent head on your shoulders *@Badwill*. Don't make his grubby shit your life any more, you can absolutely and will, have a fantastic life without him. One where you don't need to worry about your 'D' H wanking away to your friends holiday pics

I so agree.

As a much much older woman, you are but a slip of a (girl!🤫) woman with such a great future ahead of you.

He doesn't deserve your wonderfulness.

Get your advice.
Tell your family.
Let those who cherish you mind you.

You so very much deserve to be cherished.

Agree I was early 30s when dumped him and started anew

I'm glad it all worked out for you justthecat - gives me hope!

I know it doesn't feel like it at the moment but you will move on from this and feel so much better for it, leaving him far behind to do as he pleases.

Honestly, even if he had acted a little more sorry I still don't think he would have changed his ways. He doesn't see the harm in it, doesn't recognise how grim the behaviour is and enjoys it. Especially if he's the type of person who's never wrong, in his eyes this is unreasonable nagging from you. Sounds like he doesn't have a high regard for women in general.

You're worth more than he's offering, by miles. I look back and think thank fuck I did see my ex for what he was, lucky escape, you will feel the same too x

Well he is a bit shit.
Do your research and plan your future.
I am sorry for your loss💐

Really sorry for your loss. But DO get rid of useless git! You deserve so much better. Things WILL improve once you are rid of this awful waste of space and time. Do take care and think more about YOU.

so sorry to hear OP that this has been his reaction. If I were you I would of sent him the mumsnet link to this and enjoy the fact he would be reading so many women think he is a grub.

You got this, we believe in you, stay strong.

Thank you everyone, all the kind words are really helpful and motivating right now.

It would be very tempting to show him this thread Boopthesnoot1 although I imagine he would just sneer in contempt. He always mocks me for using mumsnet - there's nothing more threatening to a sexist man than a group of women supporting each other!

Don’t show him the thread, you’ll get stronger with the support you get and he doesn’t need to know how or why you’re standing up to him

No, as tempting as it would be I wouldn't really justthecat. I text him this morning to remind him that he has to have the DC the Saturday after next as I have to go away. He knew about it before all this kicked off but I was worried he'd "forget" and work on that day instead, so wanted to have written proof that I told him.

He wrote back "that's fine I might take a day off on the Friday." That is very strange. He NEVER takes days off unless he absolutely has no choice. He's self employed so days off mean no money. I'm wondering what the motivation is. Solicitor possibly? Just makes me a little uneasy...

Hope you are ok OP. What a shock for you. A couple of years ago I found out my partner was doing similar, although he was perving over the same young female colleagues, repeatedly, when I wasn't with him. It was like a punch to the stomach as I thought we were blissfully happy., and your post has brought it all back to me. He said he was being nosy, but ironically only 'nosy' over young attractive colleagues. Pretty obvious what he was using the photos for, as it was always when I wasn't around. I really feel for you.

Thank you HarryBlackberry1 and I'm sorry to bring all those memories back to you. It really does feel like a punch in the gut. Until that first day I saw his search history I always trusted him implicitly, it was such a shock that he wasn't who I thought he was. So disappointing.

Horrible for you that it was the same work colleagues every time. That was one "consolation" over the months for me, there didn't seem to be a "preference" for a particular woman and there wasn't anybody who he would have been in regular proximity with (to my knowledge) although one was an ex girlfriend and that did sting a lot.

I hate how it's made me feel. My self-esteem has definitely taken a battering. I hope you managed to move on from it

This isn't a right or wrong problem, it's what your willing to accept. As for me I would not accept that, a relationship is based on trust and respect and that to me that is not respectful behaviour, albeit some may disagree. You have to, at the end of the day be intimate with him, I couldn't, if you dont respect someone how can you be intimate. What you are feeling is not wrong, it's what you feel, hope this helps 😀

Yes, I was the same. I trusted him implicitly too. It's always the case. Plus, like you, there was a lot of browsing his ex girlfriend. I agree with you, it would be easier if it was porn. With people they know, you just think, if any of those women showed interest he would be away...

It's a horrible feeling, and your post made me feel angry. I'm sure if the boot was on the other foot they wouldn't be happy. To make matters worse my dp had been using his mother's FB log in, so all these women he was searching repeatedly would have come up in his mother's search history.

It's the loss of trust I find the hardest. Whenever he's on his phone I now just presume he's perving over some busty young lass from work! I don't know what the answer is...

He's awful @Badwill . He only apologized because he thought he had to and it'd help him get away with it. Then he was back to the looking at FB soon enough, and probably wanking. It's disgusting. There these women are, showing pictures of themselves living their individual innocent lives and everyday sources of pleasure, and he is reducing those humans to objects to come over.

In the Freedom Programme they say that perpetrators refer to women as existing only for CFC's - cooking, fucking, and cleaning. He sounds a bit like that to me.

All the other stuff is abusive too- silent treatment, refusing to help etc, groping you.

He's not nice at all.

You'd be making the right decision to separate from this moody sleazeball. Are you sure you'd have to move far?

So sorry to hear about your loss. x I know how knackering a miscarriage is, and still he isn't helping. I don't think he cares about you, mostly just about work and getting off on women going about their lives, debasing them, both of which are to boost his ego.

Please try not to let yourself get sucked back in to 'normal.' I mean, he's probably done the FB perving and maybe wanking since that conversation. A bloke like that (and of course he hates MN, all the wankers do) would do it out of spite- how dare a woman tell him what to do.

Thank you SoulofanAggron I fear everything you say is most likely true. Another evening of silence here I went out for a long walk earlier as I just can't bear sitting on the sofa on my own for yet another evening, feeling sad and letting my thoughts run away with me. It's such a lonely place to be right now.

I took the plunge and phoned the solicitors today. So at least I'm starting to make baby steps, as opposed to being paralyzed with indecision. It went better than I expected and it looks like I might not be as screwed financially as I thought. They can't put any wheels into motion until we separate officially obviously, but it's a relief to have that knowledge tucked away for now and it will be a bolster for when I finally decide to tell him it's over.

I maybe have a slightly different take on this. I completely agree your husband is in the wrong here and I’m sorry for what you’re going through. But I have been in that situation where something my partner has done has annoyed me, I’ve got angry and ignored him, and because he hasn’t given me the reaction I expected or shown he cared, I have in the past thought about leaving him. I have let things drag out hoping for my partner to read my mind about how I expect him to act all the while feeling like he doesn’t care. Eventually, I realised it was only when we sat down and actually talked about things he listened to my point of view. If I was mad or ignoring him or threatening to leave that used to overshadow the actual reason for the disagreement. When we actually sat down and talked calmly he listened & understood where I was coming from & showed me he did actually care. I know you want your husband to make the first move but if he’s stubborn I don’t think he will. Sometimes we need to spell out exactly what the issue is and what we expect from them for the relationship to work in a calm way. Rather than us getting mad and wanting them to read between the lines or silently wishing they would react in a certain way. If you try this and then he STILL doesn’t get it or carries on ignoring you / being funny then you know that if you do leave, you can leave with no “what ifs” x

Well done @Badwill , Keep going and please keep us updated.

Make time to care for yourself as you did when you escaped for a bit- do whatever helps you feel better and get a breather from the bollox. Be sure to eat and rest. x

@Milly2332 I don't know if you've read the rest of OP's posts, but I think she's made herself quite clear to her husband.

Well done OP, keep taking those baby steps. Rooting for you!

I'm not surprised he's acting this way, judging by your previous posts. He sounds like a narcissistic/sexist twat. Why will you have to move so far away though? Do you actually want to? As I imagine if you wanted to stay in the family home and you're obviously going to be the resident parent (these types never want to be actual real parents) then you'd have a strong case to stay where you are?

Is he still giving you the silent treatment? I'd agree with Milly2332 in normal circumstances, but definitely not in this case. This man is being deliberately cruel to his miscarrying wife when he is 100% in the wrong and OP DID make the first move by laying out what she needed from him in the email so the ball really was in his court and he refused to pick it up, choosing to punish her.

Sorry I may have missed the some of the gist of this but is the problem:

a) Your DH mastubates?
b) Your DH needs visual stimulation to masturbate?
c) Your DH was honest enough to tell you?
d) Your DH has stopped your snooping on his phone?

This is one of those threads that really show the depressing side of Mns'
If a DH said he was disgusted that she had a period every month and he had asked her to stop and she was still doing it, would we all be agreeing with him, or would we say its a natural human instinct.
If he said she keeps telling me about it , would we be saying she is creepy to do so.
If he was upset that he kept looking at her phone to check who else she spoke to about it would we be calling her a narcist twat.

Men and women are different, and have different physical and mental responses (generally). The knock one genders ideas on the bases that you wouldn't do it seems both abusive and ridiculous.

Op if you dont want to know about it tell him not tell you. Also stop looking at his phone.
But if you are expecting him to change and instinct in him , than you change one in you and see if iut is acceptable.

@Cheeseandwin5

There’s plenty of places he can find stimulation for his ‘instincts’ .. so you wouldn’t be bothered if your partner was using pictures of your friends to wank over? I’m sorry if you say you wouldn’t care your telling porkys.

@Cheeseandwin5.

????

Are you SURE you read the same posts we've been reading? ALL of them?

If so, I can only conclude you're the OP's husband, or maybe his mother.

@Cheeseandwin5 - are you really saying that there is something inherent in being male that means that men involuntarily wank over mutual aquaintances’ SM photos - in the way that akin to how a woman menstruates?

Are you on glue?

Jeez. It’s like some bizarre throw back to the 1950s when men can’t be held accountable for their “urges”. What you are saying is really quite insulting to men.

I hope you’re doing ok @Badwill