first date regret

[lugzy083]

Went on a first date yesterday with a boy I've been texting for a few weeks. I'm 24 and he's 26. He is a really gentle and nice guy, and he took things quite slow on text such as he would throw in a really nice compliment every once in a while such as oh you look beautiful in that picture or your voice sounds really nice over the phone. It was quite sweet-flirty and not sexual.

We decided to go for a quick drink/walk yesterday and then we said we will go for a meal one evening before lockdown. The chat was flowing, he was really making me laugh, he went to hold my hand at one point and putting his arm round me towards the end. He seemed quite shy and it was really sweet.

We got a few drinks down (not many, we weren't exactly drunk) and he said that he didn't really want the night to end yet and joked about getting a hotel. I'm not really sure why, as it's not really in my character, but long story short we agreed to get a hotel and we had sex.

It was incredible but in some ways I really wish I didn't because I like the whole build up of dates etc and it's really not what I usually do (just to add he did not pressure it in any way, I just sort of regret it now).

He was pretty quiet afterwards but to be fair he also looked shattered and was falling asleep. We went to sleep cuddling/clasping hands but he moved throughout the night and then got straight up when his alarm went off. He left early for work and kissed me goodbye, as he said he would have to, and he texted saying he was sorry for leaving so early and he hoped I enjoyed the evening. He's at work but he's read and not responded to my reply about how I had a good time and to let me know when he wants to go for the meal as I had some ideas. I don't know whether to take this as a rejection? He seemed really sweet and lovely but I'm worried now he's got what he wanted and I reallly wish I just waited. What do I do?

He messaged me. Not messaged him lol

I've been online dating a while now, and I can tell you exactly why people don't reply, (assuming he doesn't cos he's not interested right now)....
If he replies he has to say he's not interested however nicely he dresses it up. Door is closed for him.
If he doesnt reply it leaves the door open for him at any point in the future.
So, it's naughty, but i do understand why people do it.

@Dawnlassie

Seriously some of you lot are head cases. Give him a little time to reply, perhaps he doesnt want to come over too keen. Its as if you are all keep to bin off any man that doesnt reply to a whatsapp after 17 nano seconds. Men are not as addicted to their phones as women are.

What? Hang on....how do you know women are more addicted to their phones than men? So strange.

This seems very very full on. It was one date.

Anyone on this thread old enough to remember actually waiting indoors for someone to phone when they said they would. Now that was torture.

What? Hang on....how do you know women are more addicted to their phones than men?

Its called observation

I'm not sure how it's full on, he offered to take me for a meal this week and all I want to know is if he is still up for going which I think is a reasonable thing. Plus I have texted him like 3/4 times today?

@Dawnlassie

What? Hang on....how do you know women are more addicted to their phones than men?

Its called observation

You miswrote "a sweeping generalisation"!

Text no more OP 🌺

You miswrote "a sweeping generalisation"!

Or simply 'bollocks'.

Honestly OP? You’re better off getting a male perspective on what’s going on here. Speaking from experience and conversations with male friends a lot of men ARE put off by women who ‘put out’ on a first date as a lot of men like the ‘thrill of the chase’ so to speak which is why they label women who sleep with them straight away as easy (this is not my view btw before I get flamed). No judgement here as I’ve had my share of one night stands and then been ghosted afterwards so i know what it’s like, but I honestly think that men find it a lot easier to detach than we do and see sex on a first date as more of an accomplishment than anything else. Obviously there are exceptions to the rules but ask any of your male friends, that does seem to be the general consensus.

Hmm

@Bluemooninmyeyes1

Honestly OP? You’re better off getting a male perspective on what’s going on here. Speaking from experience and conversations with male friends a lot of men ARE put off by women who ‘put out’ on a first date as a lot of men like the ‘thrill of the chase’ so to speak which is why they label women who sleep with them straight away as easy (this is not my view btw before I get flamed). No judgement here as I’ve had my share of one night stands and then been ghosted afterwards so i know what it’s like, but I honestly think that men find it a lot easier to detach than we do and see sex on a first date as more of an accomplishment than anything else. Obviously there are exceptions to the rules but ask any of your male friends, that does seem to be the general consensus.

I've spoken to my male friends about this. When they have consensual sex with a partner isn't a moral judgement for them. But then if they were hypocritical misogynists we probably wouldn't be friends

He is binning you off.

He hasn’t treated you well OP.

Keep your head held high and try to forget him.

Onwards and upwards x

Maybe the impending lockdown has something to do with it

Maybe the impending lockdown has something to do with it

last chance for physical intimate contact before lockdown.. how cynical and I never thought of that 😱

Online dating is such a minefield. I got ghosted after 3 dates 👻

Turn off your WhatsApp read receipts if it's going to drive you mad.

Chin up. At least you had a good shag. You had no idea he's was a player.

@Bluemooninmyeyes1 yeah you might want to take a look at your friendship group.
Read the comments - plenty of people have slept with their long term partners on a first date - in fact it’s really not that unusual. The type of bloke you’re talking about will be an arsehole whether you sleep with them on date one or date one hundred.

it's always the quiet ones you need to watch out for!! i once had a fabulous holiday romance in Barbados with a gorgeous naval officer/
He was the quiet one in the bunch. I felt safe chatting to him, having dinner, etc
etc.
Towards the end of my 3 weeks in Barbados we slept together. It was amazing, no regrets ....
A few days later i returned home.
About a month later I was walking my dog in my
local park and i saw him!!! I could t believe it!!!! I knew he lived about 10 miles away but he was actually in MY park. It wasn't until i caught his eye and noticed 2 small children and his wife.....
I was nearly sick....

He’s not interested anymore for whatever reason. I too do believe that men do enjoy the chase. No judgements but I have found in my previous dating life when I made men work for it for lack of a better expression I was way more successful and they did all the running. When I was overly keen , even if they were to start with too they backed off. It’s just human nature. You sound lovely ,

This is a tale as old as time and most of us have been there

Honestly, he's not interested now. He got what he wanted (and I'm not saying he set out to have sex with you but he got lucky!) and now he has no desire to take things further

You've done nothing wrong - but working on your self esteem is probably key for you now. If you want to have sex when you've just met someone then bear in mind that this can ( and has) happen(Ed) - and if you're fine with that and can be resilient and accept the night for what it was then great! If it leads to hand wringing and upset and trying to fathom his intentions then clearly the one nighter isn't for you going forward

So I'd chalk this one up to experience and just block him or delete his number. And work on your self esteem for next time

But then if they were hypocritical misogynists we probably wouldn't be friends

And I'd rather screen them out dating so win win win.

You’ll get flamed all right @Bluemooninmyeyes1.
And it’s not true for all but it certainly is in some cases.
But as a healthcare professional there are other reasons I dislike the attitude (even pressure) that all young women should be out enjoying no strings attached shags or there must be something wrong with them.
They include:
Women can and do get pregnant, unplanned.
Contraception (excluding condoms) involves women (not men) having to ingest chemicals with side effects.
Women are more likely to contract an STD from a man then the other way around.
An undiagnosed STD can cause far more damage to a woman’s body, including loss of fertility, than to a man’s.
Young men are more likely to orgasm during sex than young women.
Men, in other words, in general, get more pleasure for less risk.
But hey, if you’re not cool with regular one-night stands and if you feel disappointed at being ghosted afterwards, you should chill out!

@Veterinari But then if they were hypocritical misogynists we probably wouldn't be friends

This is the crux of the issue really, in fact it’s the crux of many of the relationship issues posted on here. Don’t have a relationship of whatever description with men who value women less than men.

Depressingly many women on this thread, and presumably in general, seem to have so internalised the casual misogyny prevalent in our society that they don’t even recognise it as such. Which leads them to see themselves as secondary to men or “a prize to be won” or assorted other shit that has been spouted on here.

That attitude is unlikely to lead to equal relationships with good men.

This isn’t specifically about you OP, just a general observation.

I too do believe that men do enjoy the chase.

I think it's more subtle than that. Everyone enjoys 'the chase' in a way. The issue isn't sex per se. I've had sex I assumed was a one time thing and acted accordingly and been 'chased' because the sex was good and I didn't act as if I was needy. More than once.

Completely the same as a man who love bombs and gives a woman the ick.

Just don't behave as if someone you don't know well is the love of your life. Treat them with respect, but not as if they are more important and special than you are. Basically behave as though you have good self esteem!