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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

first date regret

570 replies

lugzy083 · 02/11/2020 14:59

Went on a first date yesterday with a boy I've been texting for a few weeks. I'm 24 and he's 26. He is a really gentle and nice guy, and he took things quite slow on text such as he would throw in a really nice compliment every once in a while such as oh you look beautiful in that picture or your voice sounds really nice over the phone. It was quite sweet-flirty and not sexual.

We decided to go for a quick drink/walk yesterday and then we said we will go for a meal one evening before lockdown. The chat was flowing, he was really making me laugh, he went to hold my hand at one point and putting his arm round me towards the end. He seemed quite shy and it was really sweet.

We got a few drinks down (not many, we weren't exactly drunk) and he said that he didn't really want the night to end yet and joked about getting a hotel. I'm not really sure why, as it's not really in my character, but long story short we agreed to get a hotel and we had sex.

It was incredible but in some ways I really wish I didn't because I like the whole build up of dates etc and it's really not what I usually do (just to add he did not pressure it in any way, I just sort of regret it now).

He was pretty quiet afterwards but to be fair he also looked shattered and was falling asleep. We went to sleep cuddling/clasping hands but he moved throughout the night and then got straight up when his alarm went off. He left early for work and kissed me goodbye, as he said he would have to, and he texted saying he was sorry for leaving so early and he hoped I enjoyed the evening. He's at work but he's read and not responded to my reply about how I had a good time and to let me know when he wants to go for the meal as I had some ideas. I don't know whether to take this as a rejection? He seemed really sweet and lovely but I'm worried now he's got what he wanted and I reallly wish I just waited. What do I do?

OP posts:
Pinkiii · 03/11/2020 20:49

I originally said don’t reply but with his last message, I would send a dead end reply, like a thumbs up or ‘You’ll get plenty of rest in lockdown’

Only reason I say this is because he will message again after lockdown when he is bored or needs an ego boost or looking for a shag and then say something stupid like ‘well you didn’t reply blah blah’ and try to turn it around on you.

yvanka · 03/11/2020 20:53

That's a shitty message from him.

He will definitely text you again, they always do. Unless it's something like "are you free for dinner on Saturday?", please just don't reply.

He's well aware that he has blown you off about Wednesday and acted like a dick with his poor texting, you need to regain control now by only responding to messages which show you some respect.

PippaRose · 03/11/2020 20:58

Yep ignore, you will hear from him again though and ignore that too!

Baileysandcream · 03/11/2020 20:59

Sorry things didn't turn out the way you were hoping OP, you sound lovely. Don't beat yourself up, you did nothing wrong. Try thinking of it as you had a lovely night, enjoyed it at the time, but he's been a disappointment since and you deserve better.

I'd be tempted to reply with "no worries, have a great lockdown!"

MBM18 · 03/11/2020 21:01

Ah feel for you OP, it is a shit feeling but it won't last. I agree with PP, don't reply to that message. You'll have him wondering.

charliebear78 · 03/11/2020 21:22

Please don't reply to that! The easier thing to do is to delete all ways of contact between you so you won't be tempted to get in touch.
If this is a date you met from OLD then you will meet some right ones on there,I have done it and I think you really do need a very thick skin and it just was not for me!
I arranged to meet one date in my Town, he came over on the train-Prior to the date lots of lovely messages and very keen.
We had an early tea out but he kept saying how quiet it was and how we should get some wine and go back to mine...I did feel pressured and stupidly agreed.
Once back at mine I had barely poured us a glass each and he pounced-kept saying we should go upstairs etc, I refused and wouldn't let it go beyond a kiss...he made some bullshit up about needing to get the train home for work in the morning( it was still only early)and left!!!
I felt so shit for days.
He did however text me back asking me to go to his this time(!) said something about wanting a cuddle-I told him to get a pet!!!
Months later I saw him on Take me out!!

As soon as I decided to stop I met my partner in a pub,we knew of each other (small village) slept together that night and been together 10 years!
We have mostly all been where you are now!

SunshineCake · 03/11/2020 21:23

@GondolaBing

She doesn’t have to chat again. That’s the point.
That's not how he will take it.
SunshineCake · 03/11/2020 21:24

@GondolaBing

She doesn’t have to chat again. That’s the point.
That's not how he will take it.
SunshineCake · 03/11/2020 21:25

@GondolaBing

She doesn’t have to chat again. That’s the point.
That's not how he will take it.
jealousofstars · 03/11/2020 21:28

Ok.
So he blew off your lunch/dinner date last minute for a family meal he "forgot".
There was no family meal. He squeezed you in for a drink, made a line about a hotel and it worked. Guys who want more from a relationship don't offer £30 hotels on a first meeting.

However - do not beat yourself up! You babe have done nothing wrong. Its perfectly ok to enjoy sex as long as you're safe and healthy - doesn't need to be a biggie. You got one last lay in before lockdown - that's a good thing 🤷🏻‍♀️😂

As for tonight -
Do yourself up gorgeous, take a sexy pic and change your WhatsApp photo.
And then wait 😏
Ball is then in your court xo

SunshineCake · 03/11/2020 21:32

@GondolaBing

She doesn’t have to chat again. That’s the point.
That is not how he will take it.
IncandescentSilver · 03/11/2020 21:51

Yes but if she ignores him and he messages her again in however many weeks months wanting a repeat, she will have the pleasure of ignoring him again.

I tend not to block unless they're annoyingly persistent, I prefer giving no reaction at all.

As to first date sex, avoiding it guarantees nothing. I've done it twice, both men turned into relationships. To be fair on the OP, you wouldn't exiect a 26 year old to be such a seasoned player

A few months ago I had a lunch date and walk for a first date and then he messaged and mentioned sex every single time in a really persistent, trying to prove he'd got me to agree to it way. Even after being asked to stop. I did block him!

lugzy083 · 03/11/2020 22:24

Thanks everyone for the really lovely messages and support Smile I took most of your advice on board and read and ignored the message. Went off to see some friends tonight and just came back to another message to my surprise...
"Sorry but I just don't see myself ever being with you long term I'm afraid. Sorry to do this over text".
I've now seen he's unfollowed me on everything he followed me on Confused honestly it's so weird! I can't help but wonder what I did so wrong to completely turn him off when I met, but need to stop blaming myself I think.
Onwards and upwards! Wink

OP posts:
Zucker · 03/11/2020 22:26

Ignore that message also, he's not worth the keyboard taps!

lugzy083 · 03/11/2020 22:28

Thanks everyone for the really lovely messages and support Smile I took most of your advice on board and read and ignored the message. Went off to see some friends tonight and just came back to another message to my surprise...
"Sorry but I just don't see myself ever being with you long term I'm afraid. Sorry to do this over text".
I've now seen he's unfollowed me on everything he followed me on Confused honestly it's so weird! I can't help but wonder what I did so wrong to completely turn him off when I met, but need to stop blaming myself I think.
Onwards and upwards! Wink

OP posts:
Siw2020 · 03/11/2020 22:30

This.

Love the idea of taking a nice pic and changing your profile pic.

Up to you whether you want to not respond
or
be very casual in reply back to save face so it looks like youre not arsed, very much a take it or leave it attitude
or
call him out on his poor form.

I think what I'd do would depend on my mood. Nothing if i couldnt be arsed. Sassy if I felt up to reacting or maybe tagging your mates so he can see what fun you got up to on the weds pre lockdown (hes probably doing f all) or if I was really emotionally affected by it then I'd think I have nothing to lose and just tell him how its made me feel (in the hope he treats the next girl better)

Dont block him. He will message again probably when you've forgotten about and moved past your current intense feelings and it will be satisfying. Balls in your court then. Funny how often these things happen.. how often somebody disappoints you yet a few weeks/months later they realise.. all a little too late.

namechange20202020 · 03/11/2020 22:32

@lugzy083

Thanks everyone for the really lovely messages and support Smile I took most of your advice on board and read and ignored the message. Went off to see some friends tonight and just came back to another message to my surprise... "Sorry but I just don't see myself ever being with you long term I'm afraid. Sorry to do this over text". I've now seen he's unfollowed me on everything he followed me on Confused honestly it's so weird! I can't help but wonder what I did so wrong to completely turn him off when I met, but need to stop blaming myself I think. Onwards and upwards! Wink
You did nothing wrong, it's on him. Honestly, what is meant for you won't pass you by. You'll meet someone nice sweetheart.
Windmillwhirl · 03/11/2020 22:35

He has every right to not want to see you again, for whatever reason. It's the cowardly way he has gone about this that makes me think maybe he's done this before.

Did this shy guy happen to be prepared with a condom? I think the nice guy is an act because his cowardice and lame excuses now are very far from nice.

Chalk it up to experience, op. X

Siw2020 · 03/11/2020 22:35

This.

Love the idea of taking a nice pic and changing your profile pic.

Up to you whether you want to not respond
or
be very casual in reply back to save face so it looks like youre not arsed, very much a take it or leave it attitude
or
call him out on his poor form.

I think what I'd do would depend on my mood. Nothing if i couldnt be arsed. Sassy if I felt up to reacting or maybe tagging your mates so he can see what fun you got up to on the weds pre lockdown (hes probably doing f all) or if I was really emotionally affected by it then I'd think I have nothing to lose and just tell him how its made me feel (in the hope he treats the next girl better)

Dont block him. He will message again probably when you've forgotten about and moved past your current intense feelings and it will be satisfying. Balls in your court then. Funny how often these things happen.. how often somebody disappoints you yet a few weeks/months later they realise.. all a little too late.

Siw2020 · 03/11/2020 22:36

@jealousofstars

Ok. So he blew off your lunch/dinner date last minute for a family meal he "forgot". There was no family meal. He squeezed you in for a drink, made a line about a hotel and it worked. Guys who want more from a relationship don't offer £30 hotels on a first meeting.

However - do not beat yourself up! You babe have done nothing wrong. Its perfectly ok to enjoy sex as long as you're safe and healthy - doesn't need to be a biggie. You got one last lay in before lockdown - that's a good thing 🤷🏻‍♀️😂

As for tonight -
Do yourself up gorgeous, take a sexy pic and change your WhatsApp photo.
And then wait 😏
Ball is then in your court xo

This.

Love the idea of taking a nice pic and changing your profile pic.

Up to you whether you want to not respond
or
be very casual in reply back to save face so it looks like youre not arsed, very much a take it or leave it attitude
or
call him out on his poor form.

I think what I'd do would depend on my mood. Nothing if i couldnt be arsed. Sassy if I felt up to reacting or maybe tagging your mates so he can see what fun you got up to on the weds pre lockdown (hes probably doing f all) or if I was really emotionally affected by it then I'd think I have nothing to lose and just tell him how its made me feel (in the hope he treats the next girl better)

Dont block him. He will message again probably when you've forgotten about and moved past your current intense feelings and it will be satisfying. Balls in your court then. Funny how often these things happen.. how often somebody disappoints you yet a few weeks/months later they realise.. all a little too late.

lavenderlove · 03/11/2020 22:37

Ugh hope you're ok op, that's not nice of him. He will 100% message you again in a few weeks and I hope you tell him where to go

lugzy083 · 03/11/2020 22:38

Now you say it @Windmillwhirl he did happen to have a condom yeah hahaha. I know some people just carry them in a wallet or something but weird, didn’t really think of that!!!

OP posts:
IncandescentSilver · 03/11/2020 22:38

I do think some men now actually enjoy rejecting women.

If he had to text again, he could have sugar coated it a bit. Eg "I know youre going to think I'm an arse, and I know I led you on, but things just moved too quick for me" or similar. Instead, his message is all about what he wants.

lugzy083 · 03/11/2020 22:39

He didn’t even apologise, just said ‘I don’t see myself ever being with you long term if I’m completely honest’

OP posts:
MLMbotsgoaway · 03/11/2020 22:39

Aw you didn’t do anything wrong. Don’t dwell, it’s far better that it happened this way then weeks of being messed about etc.