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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

first date regret

570 replies

lugzy083 · 02/11/2020 14:59

Went on a first date yesterday with a boy I've been texting for a few weeks. I'm 24 and he's 26. He is a really gentle and nice guy, and he took things quite slow on text such as he would throw in a really nice compliment every once in a while such as oh you look beautiful in that picture or your voice sounds really nice over the phone. It was quite sweet-flirty and not sexual.

We decided to go for a quick drink/walk yesterday and then we said we will go for a meal one evening before lockdown. The chat was flowing, he was really making me laugh, he went to hold my hand at one point and putting his arm round me towards the end. He seemed quite shy and it was really sweet.

We got a few drinks down (not many, we weren't exactly drunk) and he said that he didn't really want the night to end yet and joked about getting a hotel. I'm not really sure why, as it's not really in my character, but long story short we agreed to get a hotel and we had sex.

It was incredible but in some ways I really wish I didn't because I like the whole build up of dates etc and it's really not what I usually do (just to add he did not pressure it in any way, I just sort of regret it now).

He was pretty quiet afterwards but to be fair he also looked shattered and was falling asleep. We went to sleep cuddling/clasping hands but he moved throughout the night and then got straight up when his alarm went off. He left early for work and kissed me goodbye, as he said he would have to, and he texted saying he was sorry for leaving so early and he hoped I enjoyed the evening. He's at work but he's read and not responded to my reply about how I had a good time and to let me know when he wants to go for the meal as I had some ideas. I don't know whether to take this as a rejection? He seemed really sweet and lovely but I'm worried now he's got what he wanted and I reallly wish I just waited. What do I do?

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 03/11/2020 18:19

I think we should do a 'Sandy Survey' on MN. Are there enough men on here and where would we post it?

Like a 'which misogynistic cliche of female sexuality do you favour?' Survey. They're both ridiculous.

Obviously I'd sleep with neither John Revolting either Envy

Bluntness100 · 03/11/2020 18:29

Mlm, I agree.

I think though it’s not about respect, I think that’s a red herring, its not sleeping with them immediately gives rise to the chase, which is as old as the hills for both genders, and during that time you date and form a connection, even if it’s only two or three dates, where as if a bloke gets sex on the first date, for some, the chase is over, so they don’t bother to take it further, and subsequently not to make that connection.

Of course some connect on the first date, and want to see each other again, the sex is just the cherry on top, but when that connection isn’t there, then sex on the first date, basically just ends the chase.

Diddumz · 03/11/2020 18:34

I can't stand men like this!

It's happened to me and it is shit... in my case, the guy wasn't even a good shag... he lasted about three thrusts and then rolled over and went to sleep (in MY bed).

The next morning, the sex was even crapper. I started my period and he was repulsed. He then demanded a hand job...

Never saw him or his short dick again..

JaffaCake70 · 03/11/2020 18:42

@MrsTerryPratchett

I think we should do a 'Sandy Survey' on MN. Are there enough men on here and where would we post it?

Like a 'which misogynistic cliche of female sexuality do you favour?' Survey. They're both ridiculous.

Obviously I'd sleep with neither John Revolting either Envy

Couldn't agree more. And agreed on JT too, though Kenickie...
firesong · 03/11/2020 18:42

Aaaw. I don't think it's the sex, maybe he thought it was suddenly going to be a relationship and went quiet. It's not great though.

How soon I slept with a guy never made a difference, either we were into each other or we weren't. So don't get hung up about that.

lugzy083 · 03/11/2020 18:46

UPDAAATE everyone (Grin)
He's come back about 24 hours later with some bullshit excuse about how he's really tired from work this week and doesn't really want to do much in the evenings. Could be true but considering everything else I highly doubt it.
I'd have so much more respect for him if he was just honest!!! So annoyed

OP posts:
CovidAnni · 03/11/2020 18:48

Twunt!
Text back something like ‘see you after lock down then’
Although I am so not qualified to advise and I’m sure other other posters won’t hold back!
Flowers

triceratops12 · 03/11/2020 18:49

Don't text back! If he's into it and his excuse is true he will chase you

Civilhelp · 03/11/2020 18:51

@lugzy083
What are you going to say back ? Will you reply?

Marmozet · 03/11/2020 18:53

Don't bother replying to that.

northstars · 03/11/2020 18:54

Please don’t reply. His lack of interest couldn’t be clearer.

Civilhelp · 03/11/2020 18:54

Ps If you don’t want to reply I’d be inclined to ignore /block because I think this dude will be back when it is convenient.

whatsoccuringnow · 03/11/2020 18:55

I'd ignore him. He should be all about you, you sound lovely. He's being evasive and uninterested. I've been in similar situations in the past and they never worked out, just ended with me feeling horrible. People who are genuinely into you don't behave like this.

lugzy083 · 03/11/2020 18:55

Not gonna lie it's made me feel bloody shit 😂 it's really hard for me not to reply but I'm not going to! He couldn't have made it clearer really

OP posts:
lugzy083 · 03/11/2020 18:56

I think I would always just be worried about hurting someone's feelings and would want to be honest so I just don't get when people don't think the same way!

OP posts:
Chocolate123 · 03/11/2020 18:56

Don't reply to him. If and that's a very big if he's genuine he'll contact you again

Lifeisabeach09 · 03/11/2020 18:57

@lugzy083

Not gonna lie it's made me feel bloody shit 😂 it's really hard for me not to reply but I'm not going to! He couldn't have made it clearer really
It'll be hard to resist a reply but stick to your guns. No reply speaks far louder, IMO.
Lifeisabeach09 · 03/11/2020 18:59

@lugzy083

I think I would always just be worried about hurting someone's feelings and would want to be honest so I just don't get when people don't think the same way!
That's because you are a woman who doesn't do ONSs.

Most guys would not be concerned with the feelings of someone they'd just met, had a drink with and went on to have ONS with. Nor would a lot of women either. He doesn't care, OP.

Seenobody · 03/11/2020 19:00

So he’s saying he doesn’t want you to see you for a meal on Wednesday and then it’s a four week lockdown.

Georgeoftheinternet · 03/11/2020 19:02

@lugzy083

UPDAAATE everyone (Grin) He's come back about 24 hours later with some bullshit excuse about how he's really tired from work this week and doesn't really want to do much in the evenings. Could be true but considering everything else I highly doubt it. I'd have so much more respect for him if he was just honest!!! So annoyed
He was honest. He’s tired from work and doesn’t want to do much... just missed out the with you part.

Don’t worry about it though, have to kiss many frogs and just learn from it.

Why wouldn’t you go back to either house?

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/11/2020 19:06

This is a perfect time for a 👍🏽

You replied, but with the contempt it deserves.

dazzlinghaze · 03/11/2020 19:07

God, what a dick! Sorry it's turned out this way, OP.

BlueThistles · 03/11/2020 19:10

you're the better person OP... his loss 🌺

IncandescentSilver · 03/11/2020 19:11

Of he was a genuinely shy guy and if he hadn't suggested going back to a hotel, I'd say give him a cooling off period. Some men get all confuddled by having sex with a woman and need time to decide they actually like her. But with him, he's far too smooth and practised. No one suggests going to a hotel if they hadn't had it planned.

OP you sound quite innocent - keep that and don't lose it for guys like this player. Even going to a hotel on a first date could be exciting and fun, if the guy is very careful to ensure you don't feel the way you are right now afterwards.

He was very calculating.

Fr0thandBubble · 03/11/2020 19:16

OP don’t you dare reply! Delete his messages and his number so that you aren’t tempted. Honestly, the most dignified thing to do is not respond at all.

He’s behaved very badly and I hope you are angry at him because you should be. He lead you to believe he was taking you for dinner this week, which I imagine is a big part of the reason you slept with him (because you thought that meant he was keen and it was going somewhere).

Lesson learnt, don’t let anyone treat you like this again - make them show through their actions, not their words, that they are genuine.

The book that others recommended - Why Men Love Bitches - is really good. It basically teaches you how to have boundaries and demand respect from men and not put up with any of their bull crap. You were that dangerous cocktail of too nice, too naive and too willing to please (I know, because I used to be that too).

I know it feels awful but chin up. I think we’ve all been burned by these types of “men” before. You are worth 10 of him and don’t you forget it.