Page 13 | first date regret

userxx · 03/11/2020 11:18

I have to say I agree with you. An interested man will pursue!

100% this.

Mumoftwo1990 · 03/11/2020 11:23

@lugzy083

Went on a first date yesterday with a boy I've been texting for a few weeks. I'm 24 and he's 26. He is a really gentle and nice guy, and he took things quite slow on text such as he would throw in a really nice compliment every once in a while such as oh you look beautiful in that picture or your voice sounds really nice over the phone. It was quite sweet-flirty and not sexual.

We decided to go for a quick drink/walk yesterday and then we said we will go for a meal one evening before lockdown. The chat was flowing, he was really making me laugh, he went to hold my hand at one point and putting his arm round me towards the end. He seemed quite shy and it was really sweet.

We got a few drinks down (not many, we weren't exactly drunk) and he said that he didn't really want the night to end yet and joked about getting a hotel. I'm not really sure why, as it's not really in my character, but long story short we agreed to get a hotel and we had sex.

It was incredible but in some ways I really wish I didn't because I like the whole build up of dates etc and it's really not what I usually do (just to add he did not pressure it in any way, I just sort of regret it now).

He was pretty quiet afterwards but to be fair he also looked shattered and was falling asleep. We went to sleep cuddling/clasping hands but he moved throughout the night and then got straight up when his alarm went off. He left early for work and kissed me goodbye, as he said he would have to, and he texted saying he was sorry for leaving so early and he hoped I enjoyed the evening. He's at work but he's read and not responded to my reply about how I had a good time and to let me know when he wants to go for the meal as I had some ideas. I don't know whether to take this as a rejection? He seemed really sweet and lovely but I'm worried now he's got what he wanted and I reallly wish I just waited. What do I do?

You would have slept together at some point presumably, so if that's all he's after then while you regret doing it so quickly it's saving you time and emotional investment you would have spent on him.

JaffaCake70 · 03/11/2020 11:23

@SweetCruciferous

I don’t get this at all. Why would he ghost you after sleeping together? Surely even if he was just after sex then this would be a green light to meet up again?!?

Agree with @Palavah

Although easier said than done not to fixate if you’re really keen on someone!

I get it. It's because some men like variety. He's now sampled this particular flavour. He didn't have to put much time or effort into obtaining this flavour, therefore it no longer tempts him, it's lost it's appeal...

He will now move on to the next flavour he fancies. The next flavour may or may not be so readily available...

I'm not being nasty with my comment. I'm 50 years old and have had many experiences with men. Some of whom I have slept with too soon and caused them to run, and some of whom I've slept with too soon and they've stayed for years!

I've also had men that I've refused to sleep with who've lost interest, and men I've refused to sleep with who've become more interested and invested.

My point is that we can't generalise about men or women in these situations, or about having sex with someone too soon. People are diverse in their sex lives, as long as they're practising safe sex and no one is being pressured or harmed, it is not for us to judge.

I personally think this guy comes under the umbrella of 'sowing his wild oats'. I'm not saying that's ok, I'm not saying that's not ok. Just learn the lesson while you're young OP, I spent many years being hurt and disappointed by men who just wanted a quick leg over. They are clever in their game, you need to be cleverer!!

JaffaCake70 · 03/11/2020 11:28

@iluvgab

All this stuff about "he might not have had time to reply", "he might have had a really busy day at work"... blah blah blah. It's all nonsense. Don't make excuses for him. How long does it take to send a quick text? "Really busy today and tomorrow at work. Enjoyed last night. I'll be in touch in a couple of days". Something along that line would take 30 seconds at most. If he was interested he would have found a minute to let you know.

I'm mid 40s and too old for any of this nonsense. I don't make excuses for men any more or think of reasons why the poor bloke might be run off his feet. I put up with shit behaviour from ex because he was always feeding me a sob story about his terrible life and his "Very Important Work and Hobbies".
If a man is interested he will make time for you and he will let you know that he is interested.

Everything that @iluvgab said!!

LilacPebbles · 03/11/2020 11:32

You got what you wanted as well. You had sex with him and enjoyed it. It was a good experience, don't put an old fashioned spin on it. All this 'not in my character' stuff is just internalised misogyny. If he wanted to continue dating you then he will get in contact (I'm sorry if he doesn't as that of course will sting), but sex isn't something women 'give away' or withhold as a dating bartering tool and it does not make anyone think more or less of you unless they are a raging sexist.

Bluntness100 · 03/11/2020 11:33

He might have had time to read the message but not reply

But time to be repeatedly on what’s app, ignore her message, and post stuff on line. Cmon now.

Pinkiii · 03/11/2020 11:33

Oh OP you sound lovely and i’m sorry you ended up in a shitty situation.

One advice I offer to my friends or anyone who goes through something similar is, if a guy is interested in you, he will 100% show it and act on it. After a lot of crappy relationships and situationships, my now husband showed me what its like when someone actually wants you.

I don’t believe all this oh he is playing hard to get, he is shy, he is busy etc.. a text takes a few minutes.

I really hope you understand your worth and don’t bother replying when he messages because guys like him will always come back out of the shadows when bored.

Givemeabreak88 · 03/11/2020 11:34

I get it. It's because some men like variety. He's now sampled this particular flavour. He didn't have to put much time or effort into obtaining this flavour, therefore it no longer tempts him, it's lost it's appeal...

Yes to this! Anyone that doesn’t get why men do this obviously doesn’t understand men much, men like variety, he’s had it now so he’s not bothered whether he has it again as he will Get some more somewhere else. He might continue contacting you if his options are limited but generally the ones that don’t know they have more options, old is like a sweet shop to them. There is a saying about the only thing better than sex is sex with someone new (Thats not exactly how it’s worded, don’t want to offend anyone but I’m sure you can imagine)

BrimfulOfBaba · 03/11/2020 11:38

I haven't RTWT but I've read your replies OP, and just wanted to say, I feel you!

This happened to me once, a year later he sent me a message again on the dating site we'd met on, to say something like 'long time no see!'. And I replied to say "yeah well, after you stopped replying after we slept together I felt pretty crap so didn't want to bother, really" - and he felt really bad about. Not my problem though - I was over it by then.

It sucks, and men can be so thoughtless. Try and see some positives (if it was a good shag for example). Him being like this isn't the best marker for a good boyfriend, either. Dating isn't just an audition for you, it's for him, too.

SweetCruciferous · 03/11/2020 11:47

@JaffaCake70

Agree with what you say about not generalising. Have always wondered though if this not sleeping with someone as it might put them off is a myth / hangover from the 50s, as I’ve never encountered it my decades of dating. If I’ve liked someone I’ve pretty much slept with them right away and it’s worked out fine. If there’s a genuine spark there I really don’t think having sex would put someone off.

That being said, as a woman I’ve had sex with people with no intention of taking it further – but I think generally everyone’s been on the same page.

If it had ever been destined to go anywhere in the first place, having sex early on would not ‘put someone off’ ime. If having sex early on puts a man off, then it was really never destined to go anywhere. So enjoy it for what it was but definitely don’t feel that you ‘slipped up’ and spoiled what could have been something meaningful.

SweetCruciferous · 03/11/2020 11:51

100% agree @LilacPebbles

yvanka · 03/11/2020 11:53

Any man who would go off a woman for sleeping with him is a twat and you're better off finding out early on IMO.

He would still be a twat whether you slept with him after 1 or 10 dates! Or it might not even be that, maybe he is talking to someone he likes more or didn't feel a connection with you. You'll never know, so try not to let it get to you.

Starlight39 · 03/11/2020 11:58

So sorry OP, hope you're OK and can see it as a fun night. Definitely don't give him the £15 for half the hotel!!

I totally agree with this:

You would have slept together at some point presumably, so if that's all he's after then while you regret doing it so quickly it's saving you time and emotional investment you would have spent on him.

And this:
If it had ever been destined to go anywhere in the first place, having sex early on would not ‘put someone off’ ime. If having sex early on puts a man off, then it was really never destined to go anywhere. So enjoy it for what it was but definitely don’t feel that you ‘slipped up’ and spoiled what could have been something meaningful.

Try not to feel you've done something wrong or "put him off" by having sex. You don't want to be with a man who has to be tempted into a relationship with the promise of sex. Or one who thinks that "nice girls" withhold sex.

When I was dating, I met quite a few men who wanted to basically date "nice girls" (whatever that means to them) into sex - hinting that it's going to be a relationship and paving with way with promises of nice meals out etc. It's exhausting as you have to figure them out.

I do think this man will be back - someone once said to me about men looking for sex "it's easier to fish the same hole twice". I was definitely on a few men's "rota" and every few months they'd send me a text hoping to reel me back in. Best thing to do is block them so they can't do that!

Zolaanna · 03/11/2020 12:15

He'll definitely message you during lock down for an ego boost.

coronade · 03/11/2020 13:15

So sorry but it’s all his problem not yours. He is a total a hole and you’ve had a lucky escape. Imagine if you’d wasted months or years on him before he showed his true colours!
Just see it that you have learnt a valuable lesson and move on. Don’t let it put you off men altogether, I’m told there are a few unicorns out there.
You sound lovely and a very well adjusted human being. He on the other hand will always be a complete and utter twat.

Patienceisvirtuous · 03/11/2020 14:59

This just happens and it’s crap. A downside to being single and looking for a relationship.
You may never know why he didn’t want to see you again. All you need to know is that he doesn’t and you deserve someone nice who will make you happy. He isn’t that person.

Fucks with your head and deflates you for a bit though, I know :(

You only really get decent perspective on this through experience xxx

Civilhelp · 03/11/2020 15:15

Op , I bet your head is spinning. I hope you feel okay and not feeling bad about yourself . I am 30 and have been ghosted a few times . A few times the ‘men ‘ have had girlfriends and I’ve tied myself up in knots over it .

Overall don’t beat yourself up and the lessons to learn probably is : stay safe , guys can be assholes (but not all of them are ) and be wary of the’ nice ‘guys .

Some guys will wine and dine for a while to sleep with the woman . Lots of people get caught out .

TeachesOfPeaches · 03/11/2020 17:18

Hi OP, I seen someone post something about the signs of ghosting and apparently when you've finished your first date and he hasn't mentioned anything about the next date you're likely to be ghosted

SunshineCake · 03/11/2020 17:24

@Bluntness100

He might have had time to read the message but not reply

But time to be repeatedly on what’s app, ignore her message, and post stuff on line. Cmon now.

Carry on piling in. I hadn't seen there were several pages when I wrote that. I'm certainly not making excuses for him

. I was putting in a suggestion.

JaffaCake70 · 03/11/2020 17:25

@workshy44

I agree with Zolaana- he ignored the meal request and replied out of politeness. I would reply with me too or something and leave it at that. I doubt you will hear from him again I’m afraid

I agree. He did ignore the meal request, but I wouldn't reply at all. I'd wait to see if he sends another text suggesting to meet up before Thursday.

If he doesn't, she knows where she stands. She should be letting him do a bit of chasing. Men are often put off by women who show too much interest, they like a challenge.

Roberta268 · 03/11/2020 17:26

@TeachesOfPeaches

Hi OP, I seen someone post something about the signs of ghosting and apparently when you've finished your first date and he hasn't mentioned anything about the next date you're likely to be ghosted

Not necessarily. Some men get ahead of themselves and then reconsider. Others lie to get what they want. Words don’t mean much by themselves.

JaffaCake70 · 03/11/2020 17:34

@doubleaces89

Rightly or wrongly, 'most' guys aren't interested in a serious relationship with someone who is willing to sleep with them on 1st date...

Do a survey, which Sandy (from movie Grease) guys prefer, 9/10 will say pre-makeover.

I think we should do a 'Sandy Survey' on MN. Are there enough men on here and where would we post it?

MLMbotsgoaway · 03/11/2020 17:43

Rightly or wrongly, 'most' guys aren't interested in a serious relationship with

This is such bollocks. If Angelina Jolie slept with them on a first date it wouldn’t be “oh I’m not seeing her again as I no longer respect her”.

Bluntness100 · 03/11/2020 18:11

I think though, there is a difference between something getting hot and heavy on a first date and it leading to sex, the sort of come in for a drink kinda thing, and can’t keep your hands off each other, and a deliberate booking of a very cheap hotel to go and have sex in.

It’s a very deliberate proactive thing to do. And I think quite an unusual one really in this context. First date, total strangers, only meeting for a drink and a quick walk. To a couple of hours later, let’s book a thirty quid hotel to fuck in right now.

I think any bloke who suggests that to a woman he’s just met isn’t being respectful, it’s very different to let’s go back to mine, or yours and have a drink,,let me see you home kinda thing, and I think any woman who says yes has to assume that sex is all he wishes if he suggests a cheap hotel in this context.

Except angelina jolie that is,,,😃

MLMbotsgoaway · 03/11/2020 18:14

@Bluntness100 oh I agree that in this case sadly a few signs weren’t good. But it’s the whole “men don’t respect women who sleep with you on a first date”.

I don’t think any man goes “wow she was the one for me, but then she slept with me so that’s a no-no”.