first date regret

[lugzy083]

Went on a first date yesterday with a boy I've been texting for a few weeks. I'm 24 and he's 26. He is a really gentle and nice guy, and he took things quite slow on text such as he would throw in a really nice compliment every once in a while such as oh you look beautiful in that picture or your voice sounds really nice over the phone. It was quite sweet-flirty and not sexual.

We decided to go for a quick drink/walk yesterday and then we said we will go for a meal one evening before lockdown. The chat was flowing, he was really making me laugh, he went to hold my hand at one point and putting his arm round me towards the end. He seemed quite shy and it was really sweet.

We got a few drinks down (not many, we weren't exactly drunk) and he said that he didn't really want the night to end yet and joked about getting a hotel. I'm not really sure why, as it's not really in my character, but long story short we agreed to get a hotel and we had sex.

It was incredible but in some ways I really wish I didn't because I like the whole build up of dates etc and it's really not what I usually do (just to add he did not pressure it in any way, I just sort of regret it now).

He was pretty quiet afterwards but to be fair he also looked shattered and was falling asleep. We went to sleep cuddling/clasping hands but he moved throughout the night and then got straight up when his alarm went off. He left early for work and kissed me goodbye, as he said he would have to, and he texted saying he was sorry for leaving so early and he hoped I enjoyed the evening. He's at work but he's read and not responded to my reply about how I had a good time and to let me know when he wants to go for the meal as I had some ideas. I don't know whether to take this as a rejection? He seemed really sweet and lovely but I'm worried now he's got what he wanted and I reallly wish I just waited. What do I do?

@GondolaBing
Sure but she deserves a reply and a not interested text . He should be upfront if that is the case .

Just to correct a number of pp - £30 doesn't have to be a shot hotel. You can get a Premier Inn or Travelodge for £29 sometime, especially at short notice, and they're both perfectly clean, well maintained and reasonably appointed.

I'm sorry OP that your guy was so gutless. What is the problem with these men? So disrespectful.

*shit hotel obviously

Dont text him

He did reply. And he did not strike up a conversation. Do you honestly think that a text saying “sorry but I don’t want to see you anymore” is the polite way to go? I honestly don’t.

@Bluntness100 is on the money!! The hotel thing is really really shady tbh, as was the downgrading lunch - he's not exactly pulling to stops out to woo you. Ugh, consider you've had a lucky escape. He was good for a shag, nothing more.

I'm a big believer in telling off men for shitty behaviour because (a) it's cathartic (b) he won't dare contact you again when he's bored/lonely (c) it helps to speak your truth and not just accept bad behaviour.

So if I were you, I would message him, "I had a fun night, however it's clear this isn't going anywhere given your lack of interest in planning a second date. I'm not interested in just a pen pal, and do expect more regular contact from someone interested in dating me. Good luck on your search but let's not do this again. Ever. Take care". Then block and delete.

Do not leave yourself open to a bored half arsed booty call - you already like him too much to just be casual. And he's been very very disrespectful by the blah texting after. You deserve better!

[quote Coronawireless]@veterinari
I don’t know where you’re getting all that from.
I don’t judge anyone for having a one night stand.
I do judge men who are deliberately dishonest and pretend in advance it’s something else as seems to have happened here.
I also judge the attitude that OP is somehow neurotic or over-invested for trying to contact him afterwards and being disappointed when there’s no response.[/quote]
No you just dislike women making the choice to have safe casual sex and used your self-professed 'expertise' as a HCP to explain why your judgement was oh-so much more well informed than ours.

@GondolaBing

He did reply. And he did not strike up a conversation. Do you honestly think that a text saying “sorry but I don’t want to see you anymore” is the polite way to go? I honestly don’t.

Absolutely yes. Otherwise OP doesn't know where she stands.

Normal fears but to reassure you -DP and I slept together on first date after too many drinks. Similar got up and went to work and I had a NIGHTMARE day including finishing 3 hours late. I tried to text back multiple times between meetings / being out and was constantly interrupted. Anyways I finally replied (from the work toilet) after far too long. Absolutely nothing to do with not wanting to continue.
Happy together now with a beautiful 11 month old!

If not, it’s not the end of the world. Never mind. Laugh it off, you had fun.

@veterinari
OP didn’t choose to have a one night stand.

If you have sex with someone a date and they are keen and you aren’t , have some bottle and say you are no longer interested . Not hard to send a sorry not interested text . I’ve had a few one night stands and they at least rung and check in with me and see how I am etc .

I think many of us on here recognise what’s just happened with the op. Although clearly some don’t. But that’s why many of us are invested. We saw it coming but were hoping it wasn’t the case, ans I guess are still somewhat hoping it’s not.

I think this would be different if the op had had sex with him just because she fancied sex and didn’t care either way if they saw each other again, but I don’t think that was the case. I suspect she did it because she thought she was starting a relationship with him, was flattered, thought it sealed the deal and wanted to make him happy.

I suspect op, and correct me if I’m wrong, you started to know something was up when he went quiet after sex, the way he said goodbye in the morning and when you got his polite brush off text. It’s why you were so keen to confirm dinner and didn’t just text “great time, I’m knackered now, chat later” Deep down you suspected something was wrong, and then you came on here ans asked.

The only advice I’d give is don’t do sex so early if you are doing it for any other reason than you just want sex and don’t care if you see him again or not, and make sure you’re safe.

People can present as one thing and be something very different when they get you alone, especially after a few drinks. In that regard you were lucky this time. And always practice safe sex.

No matter how much you liked him, this man is and was a stranger. And you need to protect yourself both physically and mentally when meeting strangers. 💐

She does know where she stands. He is not interested in pursuing a relationship. That is clear. It is up to her to take the lead and pull away from someone who does not want to get involved beyond a first date.

I had a first date from online the other weekend and wrote a thread on it last week.. guy seemed so nice and sweet really keen talking about wanting a Rship etc I thought the date went really well he said the same. However it was very clear at the end of the date he wanted to come back to mine and the kissing got a bit heated in the car. I didn’t let him. He text me when he got home saying how much of a great time he had and wanted to plan a second date.

Next day . Not a word from him I didn’t text either cos I had a feeling something was up. Day after he texts aload of bollocks excuses about how he thinks I want something more serious than him etc etc and how he doesn’t think he’s comfortable with it. But he’s happy to ‘see how it goes ‘ aka happy to just sleep with me. I told him I wasn’t interested and blocked on everything.

In my opinion he just wanted something casual and tried his luck that night .. didn’t get it and thought I can’t be arsed with this. Prior to this I thought we were getting on great and we seemed so on the same page.

Trust you gut I’d say .. I felt something was off and I knew he was going to ‘end it’ as I hadn’t heard off him the next day.

Tbh though at least he ended it when he did or I would have ended up sleeping with him .

On the other hand I slept with a Now ex on the first date and we were together for years. As others have said if a man really likes you I don’t think it would put him off.

You say you are confused about why you went ahead and had sex with him when that wasn't your intention this might be a pattern of responding you have with men.
You 'went along with'. Your buried your own wishes to the point where they were not even felt or acknowledged by you.
Somewhere in life you have learned that women put their needs aside and dance attendance on the man. Maybe this is how it was in your own house growing up. The traditional 'bring Daddy his newspaper he's been working hard all day'.
You found yourself over considering how tired this guy was from work with a poor diddums kind of slant, and waiting patiently and making space for him to 'recover' from work so he might give you a scrap of his precious time off his table.
Yes it's a natural kind of caring role, but there can also be a lot of inequality and one-sidedness creeping in there too.
You asked him how his day was, but he didn't bother his arse asking you how your day was, did he?
I'm only saying this because I did this for years and years.
As you can see yourself, the reality is he's very rude and selfish.
Going forward before you go on a date, think about your own needs and intentions. Don't leave it 'open' as to how the night will end.
Make a decision about how and when exactly you want the night to end. Just practice tuning into yourself. Turn the radio dial around to the ME station, pause and ask 'how do I really feel about this'?

@FrappuccinoFan

I’m the same age as you and personally don’t think he’s that into you, as he would have found the time to reply if he couldn’t get enough of you. He would have kept the same energy he had through texts before you saw him.

This. It could also be that he didn’t feel a sexual chemistry with you. I definitely wouldn’t contact him again or you’ll look desperate. I’d chalk it down to experience and maybe get to know someone before having sex next time. It’s a mistake many of us have made.

OP if he messages you again please don't respond, he's made it very obvious he's not interested and doesn't care about you. When men are interested they show it by talking with you, arranging dates, etc.; they don't leave your messages unread for hours. If he contacts you now it will only be for one thing.

He might have had time to read the message but not reply.

If he has ghosted you because he's slept with you then that is his choice and nothing to do with you. I've never understood why men dump women after they have had sex, assuming it was good, as surely they would want it again. Or, if they dumped the woman for being "easy" then they should look at themselves.

You mustn't text him again, you've already chased too much by asking about the meal out. Leave all initiating to him now. If he doesn't reply to your message take it as he is no longer interested. If a man wants a woman he WILL pursue her. He has your number, he knows how to contact you, leave it to him now.

@IJustWantSomeBees

OP if he messages you again please don't respond, he's made it very obvious he's not interested and doesn't care about you. When men are interested they show it by talking with you, arranging dates, etc.; they don't leave your messages unread for hours. If he contacts you now it will only be for one thing.

I have to say I agree with you. An interested man will pursue!

I’m sorry OP. I don’t think he’s as nice or innocent as you first thought. I suspect that this is his MO.

Absolutely nothing wrong with having sex on a first date. Chalk it up to experience. I am always very wary of men who ask or suggest sex on a first date & they don’t get a second date! Don’t contact him again, he’s not worth it.

I second deleting his number!
Was once in this situation myself slept together on second date and I seen him once after this ( just a drink no sex) We had been talking for quite a while before meeting so felt like I really knew him. Well I couldn't be more wrong!!
Hardly heard from him after the sex then he went away with work for a few months ( hence him suggesting a drink before going) I didnt really text much at all once he went as he didn't seem bothered in keeping in touch then he messaged asking if I was ok so i obviously replied. Never heard from him again!
I was beyond gutted but held my nerve and didn't get in touch, Few weeks later I found out he had a girlfriend the whole time 🙃

I’m another one who thinks sleeping with someone on the first date is a bad idea (and I’m not judging I’ve done it before!) but it usually ends up with them man then ghosting, yes there are exceptions but I do think that it doesn’t happen often and there are many many more cases of men just disappearing straight after, and people say they can disappear after 1 date or 10 dates but the whole point is trying to work out that’s what they are after as usually it’s quite clear when someone is just after sex. I’m not saying it’s wrong to have sex on the first date just don’t do it if you are going to be sad when they disappear after.

All this stuff about "he might not have had time to reply", "he might have had a really busy day at work"... blah blah blah. It's all nonsense. Don't make excuses for him.
How long does it take to send a quick text? "Really busy today and tomorrow at work. Enjoyed last night. I'll be in touch in a couple of days". Something along that line would take 30 seconds at most.
If he was interested he would have found a minute to let you know.

I'm mid 40s and too old for any of this nonsense. I don't make excuses for men any more or think of reasons why the poor bloke might be run off his feet. I put up with shit behaviour from ex because he was always feeding me a sob story about his terrible life and his "Very Important Work and Hobbies".
If a man is interested he will make time for you and he will let you know that he is interested.

Ahhhh op I was really hoping he would have text you back this morning.

You sound to good for him! I know it's hard I remember similar experience but do not contact him again, and if he contacts you just ignore