first date regret

[lugzy083]

Went on a first date yesterday with a boy I've been texting for a few weeks. I'm 24 and he's 26. He is a really gentle and nice guy, and he took things quite slow on text such as he would throw in a really nice compliment every once in a while such as oh you look beautiful in that picture or your voice sounds really nice over the phone. It was quite sweet-flirty and not sexual.

We decided to go for a quick drink/walk yesterday and then we said we will go for a meal one evening before lockdown. The chat was flowing, he was really making me laugh, he went to hold my hand at one point and putting his arm round me towards the end. He seemed quite shy and it was really sweet.

We got a few drinks down (not many, we weren't exactly drunk) and he said that he didn't really want the night to end yet and joked about getting a hotel. I'm not really sure why, as it's not really in my character, but long story short we agreed to get a hotel and we had sex.

It was incredible but in some ways I really wish I didn't because I like the whole build up of dates etc and it's really not what I usually do (just to add he did not pressure it in any way, I just sort of regret it now).

He was pretty quiet afterwards but to be fair he also looked shattered and was falling asleep. We went to sleep cuddling/clasping hands but he moved throughout the night and then got straight up when his alarm went off. He left early for work and kissed me goodbye, as he said he would have to, and he texted saying he was sorry for leaving so early and he hoped I enjoyed the evening. He's at work but he's read and not responded to my reply about how I had a good time and to let me know when he wants to go for the meal as I had some ideas. I don't know whether to take this as a rejection? He seemed really sweet and lovely but I'm worried now he's got what he wanted and I reallly wish I just waited. What do I do?

Not sure that 4 texts following the night together means he's blowing you off. If he's quiet, maybe he just doesn't have anything to say at the moment? I'm not sure I would delete his number just yet, but expect the worst and allow yourself to be pleasantly surprised (and a bit more distant with him) if it turns out differently.

Since he is at work, he might not be able to reply. Leave it until tonight. If you don't hear anything tonight or tomorrow then you have your answer...

Frankly, unless you are OK and happy with casual sex/one night stands, sleeping with someone you have just met on a first date is never a good idea.

Criticise me for this if you want, but to me there is a safety element (this is a perfect stranger after all) and unfortunately many men will also still judge you for it.

Also having a couple of dates with someone first weeds out the casual sex seekers from the guys who might be genuinely interested in more.

Step away from the phone!!!*

You had a great night of sex. Result!!
Maybe he's just not that into dating you. That's fine. He doesn't have to be and you both benefited from a lovely night.

Nonetheless I'm 55 now and couldn't give a fuckity fuck about whether people like me or not.

So maybe don't listen to me. 🤪

Have lots of sex on whatever dates you like. Don't listen to the old meanies on here who laughably judge people on their Intercourse preferences rather than wether they are decent people.

Go shag lots of gorgeous people with my blessing and envy.
One day you'll meet someone great. But don't hurry sweetie.

I'm so sorry you're feeling rubbish.

I honestly think the ones that play the nice guy are worse in a way, because they're representing themselves as something they're not, and it's a crappy tactic to manipulate someone into bed.

Fwiw, I don't think you did anything wrong. In fact, in some cases, the sooner you sleep with someone the better because of this is going to happen, it gets it out the way so you don't waste anymore time on them.

I would definitely be tempted to text him tomorrow if you still haven't heard from him (don't text before) something along the lines of 'it takes 2 seconds to send a quick message to say you're not interested in seeing me again. That's fair enough - I'd get it and respect your honesty. But just ghosting is cowardly, immature, and shitty.'

And then block!! Do not wait for a response because 99% of the time there wouldn't be an apology, there would be some shitty response flipping it round on you saying but he was tired, or busy, and he actually liked you but now you're the one who spoilt it with that message

I've met a few of these 'boys'... can you tell

Chin up love, and move on. I totally get feeling deflated, but it's nothing to do with you and everything to do with him - it might not feel like it at the moment, but you've had a lucky escape

Oh OP you've done nothing wrong. Better to know now that he's a dick than a few months down the line.

@veterinari
Women do feel socially pressured into casual sex, especially younger women.
If that’s your thing, great.
But its not for everyone, many women (including the OP from her posts) would prefer an emotional or romantic relationship. Unfortunately they’re made to feel over-invested or pushy if they try to follow up on what they thought was a potential relationship. “You’re over-thinking” “Men don’t think like this, why should you?” “Give him a break, he’s just tired from work”. “You shouldn’t text him you’ll sound needy. Let him chase you.”
Awful! I feel sorry for women who have been conditioned to have such low expectations. As many pps have pointed out, a person who was genuine would not only have texted but phoned by now. You’d know exactly where you stand.
Sorry OP, it’s definitely him not you. Live and learn. Lots of players out there but also genuine people too.

Ok, some advice. You're over thinking this and if you're single and dating you need to have less of your aelf-worth being dependent on whether some guy you just met is texting you.

Read
'Why men love bitches'
And
'It's just a date'

And stop agonising about every message or non-message. Be cool and focus on your agenda. Buy a jigsaw or something.

@Marmozet

Take off your last seen on what's app.

I second this.

Well I’ll say it, because I’m 51 and old now 😃

Going to a cheap shit hotel for sex with a guy you’ve only met a couple of hours before hand, who downgraded you from lunch to a quick drink/walk is seldom a good idea unless you just fancy a shag. If you’re looking for something more meaningful then you need to accept that there is a high chance they are not if they suggest this to you and be prepared for it to go either way. It is also quite risky behaviour to be honest, as you don’t know what he will be like when alone. Sometimes it will work out, but many times it will not.

And yes sadly lots of men have double standards. They won’t wish to form a relationship with a woman who does this, others are more mature and do not have these ridiculous double standards,

I think though sex or no sex this was always going to happen with this guy though, it was just a matter of when. The op seems very sweet and trusting, and assumed he was genuine, was excited to start a relationship with him, and I don’t think he ever was genuine or intended that.

Of course in hind sight she should have said “fuck off am I going to some cheapo hotel with you, see you Wednesday mate, if you’re lucky” and went home, because she would probably feel less shit now if she had, but I think the outcome was always going to be the same. This was a non starter.

I don’t get this at all. Why would he ghost you after sleeping together? Surely even if he was just after sex then this would be a green light to meet up again?!?

Agree with @Palavah

Although easier said than done not to fixate if you’re really keen on someone!

think of it this way, if you don't hear from him atleast you didn't wait months for the build up for him to only dump you after the sex.
I don't believe in the men think bad of women because of sex early on and if they do they ain't worth it.
I had sex the first night with all my relationships and they lasted 3 years then 14 years so means nothing.

I always believe in doing what you feel is right in the moment, and if the blokes a prick he's a prick no matter how long you do or don't hold out

OP I really feel for you! I was in your exact position a few years ago, before I met my partner. A lot of casual dating ends in sex, there's no shame in that at all. I doubt he's worrying whether he's made a good impression etc etc.

I remember once someone I was dating said they thought we were incomparable romantically, and when I looked back with complete amazement - they said "not everyone you date is going to fall in love with you BananaHammock". That had never occurred to me before

Chalk it up to experience and move on. There's no joy to be had in a relationship made up of chasing and game playing!

I agree with @Bluntness100 in that it won’t be sleeping with him that would halt the start of a would-have-been promising relationship. If you’re not hearing from him now, it would always have been a non-starter.

He sounds gross.
You sounds lovely and not needy or annoying.
It's his loss.

My husband and I were a one night stand. We didn't even have a date first but he was respectful towards me before, during and after our "encounter" and we clicked so a relationship developed. This guy sounds like a disrespectful idiot.

Agree with Bluntness 100%.

[quote Coronawireless]@veterinari
Women do feel socially pressured into casual sex, especially younger women.
If that’s your thing, great.
But its not for everyone, many women (including the OP from her posts) would prefer an emotional or romantic relationship. Unfortunately they’re made to feel over-invested or pushy if they try to follow up on what they thought was a potential relationship. “You’re over-thinking” “Men don’t think like this, why should you?” “Give him a break, he’s just tired from work”. “You shouldn’t text him you’ll sound needy. Let him chase you.”
Awful! I feel sorry for women who have been conditioned to have such low expectations. As many pps have pointed out, a person who was genuine would not only have texted but phoned by now. You’d know exactly where you stand.
Sorry OP, it’s definitely him not you. Live and learn. Lots of players out there but also genuine people too.[/quote]
Yes this may be true, but it's also entirely irrelevant to the OP's decision to have sex. It's clear this guy was never interested in a relationship. Her decision to have sex with him is irrelevant to that as her decision-making would not have changed the outcome, and she was not pressured. Don't try and make her responsible for his behaviour. He's behaved like a dick head, and the OP would have felt disappointed regardless of whether she slept with him or not. She has no power to make him behave decently, as like she's already said, at least she had a good night.

Women who prefer not to have sex are also free to do so - no one is judging them and it's weird that you keep posting to say they are

You're dragging in multiple irrelevant issues on women's health, moral judgements and Societal pressure to try and make some kind of convoluted point that women shouldn't enjoy or engage in safe consensual casual sex, to basically tell the OP that her behaviour was the problem, and to 'defend' an imagined attack on women who choose not to engage in ONS.

The reality is that you disapprove of the OP's choices because you judge women's behaviour differently than men's. That's your choice, but stop spouting faux-concern health issues and a straw-man 'defence' of women who don't have casual sex choices to justify it. At least own your judgement

@Palavah

Ok, some advice. You're over thinking this and if you're single and dating you need to have less of your aelf-worth being dependent on whether some guy you just met is texting you.

Read
'Why men love bitches'
And
'It's just a date'

And stop agonising about every message or non-message. Be cool and focus on your agenda. Buy a jigsaw or something.

Why Men Love Bitches is THE BIBLE!! I’d forgotten about that little book of treasures!

Dating is hard, ugh, OP, he might boomerang back, but be cool! You still don’t really know him.

He will contact you again. Be prepared either to put up with a half heartedly interested man (which is perfect if that's what you want), or be prepared to ignore him if you need to protect yourself from getting hurt. He will contact you again, but in his own time to satisfy his own ego and needs.

If he cools off and is not interested chalk it up to experience and learn from it. I've found men will say anything and act like the nice, kind respectful guy you want them to be, to get sex. My ex said men will say or do anything to get sex. I know not all men are like him, but sadly quite a few are.

I'm married with two teenage DCs now, and had four long term relationships prior to marrying, including DH.

In the first three relationships we slept together on the first night and when I met my DH I think it was the second night.

As PPs have said, if someone is into you I don't think first date sex would put them off.

@veterinari
I don’t know where you’re getting all that from.
I don’t judge anyone for having a one night stand.
I do judge men who are deliberately dishonest and pretend in advance it’s something else as seems to have happened here.
I also judge the attitude that OP is somehow neurotic or over-invested for trying to contact him afterwards and being disappointed when there’s no response.

Oh I feel so bad for you. This happened to me a few times and what made me feel better was blocking them on everything (including their phone number!) and deleting the chat. That way I wasn't being reminded of them every time I opened my phone and much much easier to 'get over it'. He's obviously an idiot, you seem lovely. Maybe learn a lesson for next time. You seem a bit like me with the whole sleeping with people early thing - I always felt a bit icky afterwards I don't know why. Just forget him!

On behalf of all men everywhere, sorry about this. We can always find time to text when we want, if we want. He hasn't so I suspect he is done. His loss, you sound fab.

Going against the grain here, it is perfectly reasonable to change your mind about whether you want to pursue a relationship whether or not you have had sex with someone.

Yes the OP is disappointed that this appears to be the case as she wanted more but you can’t force a relationship. He is not as keen as she is and that is entirely reasonable given that they went on one date!