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Original poster

first date regret

570 replies

lugzy083 · 02/11/2020 14:59

Went on a first date yesterday with a boy I've been texting for a few weeks. I'm 24 and he's 26. He is a really gentle and nice guy, and he took things quite slow on text such as he would throw in a really nice compliment every once in a while such as oh you look beautiful in that picture or your voice sounds really nice over the phone. It was quite sweet-flirty and not sexual.

We decided to go for a quick drink/walk yesterday and then we said we will go for a meal one evening before lockdown. The chat was flowing, he was really making me laugh, he went to hold my hand at one point and putting his arm round me towards the end. He seemed quite shy and it was really sweet.

We got a few drinks down (not many, we weren't exactly drunk) and he said that he didn't really want the night to end yet and joked about getting a hotel. I'm not really sure why, as it's not really in my character, but long story short we agreed to get a hotel and we had sex.

It was incredible but in some ways I really wish I didn't because I like the whole build up of dates etc and it's really not what I usually do (just to add he did not pressure it in any way, I just sort of regret it now).

He was pretty quiet afterwards but to be fair he also looked shattered and was falling asleep. We went to sleep cuddling/clasping hands but he moved throughout the night and then got straight up when his alarm went off. He left early for work and kissed me goodbye, as he said he would have to, and he texted saying he was sorry for leaving so early and he hoped I enjoyed the evening. He's at work but he's read and not responded to my reply about how I had a good time and to let me know when he wants to go for the meal as I had some ideas. I don't know whether to take this as a rejection? He seemed really sweet and lovely but I'm worried now he's got what he wanted and I reallly wish I just waited. What do I do?

OP posts:
MostDisputesDieAndNoOneShoots · 03/11/2020 07:51

I’m invested in this now. I slept with my now husband on first date, for what it’s worth.

Notarealmum · 03/11/2020 07:56

I’m so sorry it’s turned out like this this OP. One thing that puzzles me - why did you go to a hotel and not back to his place (or am I being naive and it a safety thing?) I’m just thinking that, as the PP has suggested, could that indicated he’s married?

JurassicParkaha · 03/11/2020 07:56

Ah I'm sorry, OP. He seems flaky at best. I wouldn't read too much into texting frequency as some people just aren't big on it. However, the big red flag is he did not follow up to sort a second date despite talking about it previously. IME, guys who like you will want to book you in for another date ASAP. Don't message him again.

I had this same thing with a guy. Lots of texting/calls when we e-dated over lockdown. Then we met up after, had sex (I wanted it) and his contact was sporadic. I called him up on why he hadn't arranged another date. He said he always waited some days to think about a second date, it wasn't me, he did it with everyone. I accepted this but he stayed flaky. Just never made plans! Who wants a pen pal! So I ended it. Months of no contact later we got back in touch, lots of messaging every day. We sleep together and AGAIN he goes back to taking a day to reply to messages, not making plans etc.

This time I let rip and called him out for being a self absorbed arsehole with the communication skills of a child. Then blocked him. It felt SO GOOD to call out his shitty behaviour. And I then met a lovely man who doesn't leave me wondering where I stand. If his isn't organising a date, just ask him if he's interested in actually dating you. Don't pussy foot around it. It's your life and time.

Cloudesley · 03/11/2020 07:59

Another one here who slept with husband on first date, and also previously most relationships started that way. But that was pre internet dating so perhaps things were different then?

Bluntness100 · 03/11/2020 07:59

@MostDisputesDieAndNoOneShoots

I’m invested in this now. I slept with my now husband on first date, for what it’s worth.
It does work sometimes, I think there were clues with this guy though. Lied and cancelled thr lunch and made it a drink/quick walk, booked a cheap shit hotel, went quiet after sex, didn’t suggest second date when he left, then blanked the mention of a second date, ignored her text for hours, then minimal contact and ignored her text again.

It’s shit behaviour, but it also happens.

Op, out of curiosity, why the hotel, what was the reasoning there?

nomdeplume2019 · 03/11/2020 07:59

Keep it light
Now he has replied he needs a few days to get over the late night nothing worse then grumpy men
Keep it light and you can only ask when your unsure

Veterinari · 03/11/2020 08:00

@Coronawireless

You’ll get flamed all right *@Bluemooninmyeyes1*. And it’s not true for all but it certainly is in some cases. But as a healthcare professional there are other reasons I dislike the attitude (even pressure) that all young women should be out enjoying no strings attached shags or there must be something wrong with them. They include: Women can and do get pregnant, unplanned. Contraception (excluding condoms) involves women (not men) having to ingest chemicals with side effects. Women are more likely to contract an STD from a man then the other way around. An undiagnosed STD can cause far more damage to a woman’s body, including loss of fertility, than to a man’s. Young men are more likely to orgasm during sex than young women. Men, in other words, in general, get more pleasure for less risk. But hey, if you’re not cool with regular one-night stands and if you feel disappointed at being ghosted afterwards, you should chill out!
@Coronawireless

Where has anyone suggested that there's anything wrong with people who choose not to have one night stands? Or that it's not ok to be disappointed when someone ghosts you?

Nowhere. Absolutely no one has judged those choices, but they are mostly irrelevant to this thread where the OP is concerned about being judged for having safe consensual sex, and disappointed about being ghosted.

Judging a woman for having safe consensual sex when you wouldn't judge a man is misogynistic claptrap. Dressing that misogyny up as 'professional healthcare advice' is even more so. Unless you also think women are incapable of weighing up the risks and benefits and making those choices for themselves? So we're stupid as well as morally degenerate? 

JurassicParkaha · 03/11/2020 08:01

Btw men really don't care about sex on a first date. If they were the type to only want sex they'd bin you first or tenth date after it.

I always sleep with guys on first or second date. No point wasting my time if no sexual chemistry! And I got a husband (now ex) and several LTR from it, none of whom cared. Slept with my current bf on first date too and he said he found my confidence around sex and knowing what I want, refreshing. Don't expect a LTR just because you sleep with them though! Accept that they may run away but that's ok because hopefully you got a good shag out of it!

ladyamy42069 · 03/11/2020 08:02

FWIW you sound like a lovely girl and it's most likely 'his loss'

Veterinari · 03/11/2020 08:03

@lugzy083

Yeah I've woken up to nothing from him, even though I know he gets up really early for work and he used to text in the morning Sad feeling pretty deflated about it all but hey, at least I know now
You've dodged a bullet OP - at least you found out he's a shallow selfish coward now and not 6 months into dating him. It's reasonable to be disappointed because you're a decent person and had clearly expected better behaviour from him. The problem is with him not you
emmetgirl · 03/11/2020 08:05

I had sex with my partner on the first date....we laugh that our first date lasted 24 hours!

IncandescentSilver · 03/11/2020 08:10

Lots of couples have sex on the first date but it sounds as though this guy had a plan all along. The OP is only in her mid twenties and possibly quite innocent in that she hasn't encountered a real player before.

So many men are like this now, they give the impression of being shy and nice, but not too shy or nice to have sex with a stranger they've led on. Then they're brutal. And I'm sorry but having sex with someone after leading them in to think you will treat them decently and then basically ignoring them is vile behaviour, and it shouldn't be normalised.

nomdeplume2019 · 03/11/2020 08:12

@Untangled87

I read this and inwardly groaned. "Nice guys" are never nice... and then lo and behold, somehow you end up in a hotel having sex on the first date.

Yes, but she wanted to have sex on the first date too, so she's clearly not a nice girl. So they seem to be perfectly suited to each other Smile

(Or are we only allowed to slut shame guys on here?)

Oh dear. Inwardly groaned 😂
AnneKipanki · 03/11/2020 08:20

@lugzy083 .
Have a great day . Put him out of your mind .

SavageBeauty73 · 03/11/2020 08:23

Block him then you won't obsess over him (bitter experience).

Online dating is brutal!

Original poster
lugzy083 · 03/11/2020 08:27

Thanks everyone. Surprised at how deflated I feel about it actually. He's literally been online just now and posted something earlier so yeah that's great. I hate this whole ghosting thing and just wish people could be upfront with each other!!

OP posts:
TiggerDatter · 03/11/2020 08:35

Oh that’s a shame OP, I can feel your disappointment and it is gutting that he’s not replied - very rude.

In your shoes I would delete his number and chat, so you can’t see he’s been online etc, try to put him out of your mind, but enjoy the happy memory of your lovely night. With lockdown round the corner, you got out there and had a bit of an adventure. Nothing at all wrong with that 😊

Sakurami · 03/11/2020 08:42

What a prick! I slept with someone I met whi had spent the whole night making me laugh and wooing me. He lives in a different country so it's not like I wanted a relationship but he never replied to my message (even a polite non message). It actually made me think about him a lot more, question why he wouldn't just send a reply etc than if he'd just sent something and I would have put it out of my mind and just think of it as a sweet memory.

I also had a fwb for a while after ending my marriage and he suddenly stopped talking. I don't get that either. Just write a message, it's not hard.

Anyway , don't spend another second thinking about him. There are loads of men out there, bot worth wasting time on pathetic idiots.

ladyamy42069 · 03/11/2020 08:45

@lugzy083

Thanks everyone. Surprised at how deflated I feel about it actually. He's literally been online just now and posted something earlier so yeah that's great. I hate this whole ghosting thing and just wish people could be upfront with each other!!
I'd be hurt too, been in simialr situations myself. It gets better. In a few weeks you'll look back grateful for the lucky escape and asking youirself what you ever saw in him.
icelollycraving · 03/11/2020 08:46

Oh op, it’s hard but chalk it up to experience. It’s fine to have sex if you want to. Some people (women and men) can read more into it than that. Nice men don’t go on a walk and suggest a £30 hotel. As an aside I wonder just how grim a £30 hotel is.
He’s not replied with anything like chasing or interest, more of a gentle I’m tired, leave me alone. That doesn’t sound like a man who sees you as a potential girlfriend. In some ways, perhaps it is better to know this now than after a month of lockdown. A month of texting etc could have built up a fake intimacy that you’d feel much more let down by when he ghosts you just before Christmas.
If you hear nothing today, delete/block his number.
Chin up my love Flowers

Marmozet · 03/11/2020 08:46

Take off your last seen on what's app.

Iwonder08 · 03/11/2020 08:48

Gosh, I wonder if there is a bloke on this planet that would torture himself thinking if she would call/would she think less of me/I wish I waited after having sex for the first time.
Did you have a good time, OP?

Sunsetdawn · 03/11/2020 08:49

Honestly even if he does text now, I wouldn't bother. He's shown his form now. If you get into a relationship with him now, he's already managed down your expectations, as far as he's concerned.
He'll be one who'd pop up every now and again, and think you'll be grateful.
It's a shame, but there more straightforward men out there.
I'm quite old, and am grateful that I am not of the tinder generation.
Best of luck and don't blame yourself. His loss Flowers

Bluntness100 · 03/11/2020 08:50

Op, stop watching when he’s on line. It’s not doing you any favours, you need to just think twat and move on. The best thing would be to delete his number so you can’t allow yourself to be watching and checking him now.

Lampan · 03/11/2020 08:51

I imagine he’s too cowardly to tell you he’s not interested in seeing you again, but also doesn’t want to end things definitely, so he has the option of popping up at a later date with a shit excuse, angling for sex. I think the previous poster’s suggestion to block him and delete his number is good advice. Or at the very least delete his number and delete (or archive) the WhatsApp chat. And if he pops up again, try and stay strong as he will be only after one thing, no matter what he says. It’s tough and most of us have been in a similar situation, I find it helps to channel any upset or disappointment into anger and annoyance! 😄