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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I contact the other Woman

308 replies

Summeronmymind5 · 01/11/2020 06:26

Hi all I've never posted a dilemma before and I am desperately seeking others advice about whether or not to make contact the the woman who had an affair with my husband. Most problem pages/self help books seem to suggest this is a bad idea and that blame should fall to husband. Believe me when I say I am not clearing my husband of blame. However most seem to come from the assumption the the betrayed partner has the following reasons for getting in touch or meeting
A) A morbid curiosity to find out what they look like/more about them
B) Do something rash/revenge
C) 'Telling off'
D) Find information to clarify facts

A & B do not really apply to me - I had previously, briefly met the woman and it's not in my nature to be rash (in fact it's been around 2 years since I found out about the affair).
As for reason C- I won't pretend part of me wants to 'lay in to her' but again I'm above swearing/name calling. I'm usually a very non-confrontational person so I feel it maybe useful to call someone out on behaviour which they ultimately knew was wrong and hurtful (also to give some context I was pregnant with a second child, she too was married with two young kids--and yes again I'm aware my husband acted like a pig).
As for D - clarifying facts - yes I know she may not tell me anything, and if I ask her she has a gains a certain power - but frankly I don't know if I care. If I start from the place that I don't trust my husband (experience has taught me this) but maybe any evidence such as confirming the last day they slept together would he useful? She's the only other person that can do this.

Finally there's a last reason I would want to get in touch which never seemed to be mentioned in the books/online advice; to simply ask her to consider what she has done and to ask her not to shatter other relationships in future. That the next time she feels like cheating she chooses a single guy to do this with.
Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
trixiebelden77 · 01/11/2020 12:50

I’d have way more pride than that.

Contacting her isn’t coming from a place of strength.

CJsGoldfish · 01/11/2020 12:51

This is the kind of obsessive behaviour you'd expect in the direct aftermath of an affair. Totally understand that.
Two years afterwards is just crazy and I don't think it's the OW that will give you what you need. You stayed with your husband so the assumption is that you've put it behind you. To still be questioning whether to confront someone for something that happened 2 years ago and giving someone so much headspace is really not where you want to be. Work on that OP.

MLMbotsgoaway · 01/11/2020 12:51

I swear people just want the blow by blow drama on here sometimes.

Bluntness100 · 01/11/2020 12:57

@MLMbotsgoaway

I swear people just want the blow by blow drama on here sometimes.
I think so too. They think it’s like east Enders but one where you can dictate the story line.

They want the op to tell the husband or confront the woman so she can come back snd tell them all about it.

MLMbotsgoaway · 01/11/2020 13:18

@Bluntness100 and would be sorely disappointed when the punchline”
is. “She blocked me and the husband just said - right ok and I never heard from him again.”

Because that’s what actually happens in real life.

CrazyToast · 01/11/2020 13:22

Don't do it. Nothing she says will help your relationship or make you feel better. It will make you feel even worse.

Can I honestly ask, it is worth it, to stay with him? Two years and more of heartbreak, lack of trust, anger, hit to your self-esteem? Is this how you saw your life being? Chase happiness.

thosetalesofunexpected · 01/11/2020 14:05

Hi Op I can understand how you feel obviously, you obviously have not come to terms with your husband infidelity, and why should you have ,either get martial counselling with relate for both of you your husband obviously on board or ditch him life is far too short to feel like this way cause of his betrayal,
Can you really trust him your husband any more?
Only you know the Answer.

If you want to get even if his ex mistress husband does not know about this affair ,a anonymous tip off letter or text message or even letting gossip's people the relevant infor will spread like wildfire soon , about this betrayal of his wife in their marriage ....

thosetalesofunexpected · 01/11/2020 14:11

Or even a mob/ tel recording to spill the beans of their illicit affair
So ex mistress hubby gets to know too, after all why should she get away with no consequences for her actions at all, and go back to domestic happiness,
When she has literally particapted in throw a hand grenade,/ bomb colluding with your husband

Veiaola · 01/11/2020 14:12

Don't do it, concentrate on divorcing your lying cheating husband as you will never forgive him for causing you so much heartache. Move on an have a happy peaceful life.

thosetalesofunexpected · 01/11/2020 14:13

At your sacred marriage vows,
Making a mockery of these wows

ShebaShimmyShake · 01/11/2020 14:17

@thosetalesofunexpected

Hi Op I can understand how you feel obviously, you obviously have not come to terms with your husband infidelity, and why should you have ,either get martial counselling with relate for both of you your husband obviously on board or ditch him life is far too short to feel like this way cause of his betrayal, Can you really trust him your husband any more? Only you know the Answer.

If you want to get even if his ex mistress husband does not know about this affair ,a anonymous tip off letter or text message or even letting gossip's people the relevant infor will spread like wildfire soon , about this betrayal of his wife in their marriage ....

This kind of thing is so horrible. The only reason to tell him at all would be in the hope that her husband brings about the consequences for her that OP, for whatever reason, wishes not to impose upon her husband. It's vengeance and nothing more. Which is pretty unworthy in itself, but to do it anonymously or even just by trying to spread it as gossip all over the place, rather than telling him straight up, is even worse.

If you think the affair deserves consequences, impose those upon the person who betrayed you. If you think it's your place to bring further consequences to the marriage that isn't yours, then at least accept that those should also apply to you (as you're making it your business) by not dropping the bomb on the husband while protecting yourself. Pretty sure he'd work it out anyway.

ShebaShimmyShake · 01/11/2020 14:18

@thosetalesofunexpected

Or even a mob/ tel recording to spill the beans of their illicit affair So ex mistress hubby gets to know too, after all why should she get away with no consequences for her actions at all, and go back to domestic happiness, When she has literally particapted in throw a hand grenade,/ bomb colluding with your husband
If you did this, I'd actually probably think that husband might have had reasons for wanting to get away from you.
Viviennemary · 01/11/2020 14:19

If you want to meet her for your own curiosity then by all means go ahead. If your purpose is to appeal yo her better nation don't bother. And giving her a good scolding. Well why not if it makes you feel better. But it won't do her any good. 500 lines I must not date married men. It's a waste of time.

Separatedandabitsad · 01/11/2020 15:08

I’m not sure @Summeronmymind5 the OP is even reading this thread anymore ...

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 01/11/2020 15:18

I’m amazed your DH and you have stayed together through this and I suppose it shows how strong your marriage really is. Would you tell your DH you were going to contact her?

Not at all does this show how 'strong a marriage' is. If it were strong it wouldn't have happened, couldn't have happened. OP's husband has wrecked it, allowed somebody else into the marriage. He had absolute agency to prevent that from happening.

It's not strength to hold onto a marriage because you'd be too frightened/fearful of being on your own/unwilling to give up the familiar. Ultimately it's up to OP what she does and she should acknowledge the reasons only to herself.

WouldBeGood · 01/11/2020 15:41

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

I’m amazed your DH and you have stayed together through this and I suppose it shows how strong your marriage really is. Would you tell your DH you were going to contact her?

Not at all does this show how 'strong a marriage' is. If it were strong it wouldn't have happened, couldn't have happened. OP's husband has wrecked it, allowed somebody else into the marriage. He had absolute agency to prevent that from happening.

It's not strength to hold onto a marriage because you'd be too frightened/fearful of being on your own/unwilling to give up the familiar. Ultimately it's up to OP what she does and she should acknowledge the reasons only to herself.

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe totally agree. I stayed because I was too shattered and weak. As was the marriage
ReneeRol · 01/11/2020 15:45

I'd consider telling her husband so he knows what he's married to but I wouldn't bother interacting with her. What's the point? She isn't going to tell you any truths unless her intention is to humiliate or hurt you.

popcornlover · 01/11/2020 15:46

Do what you feel is best for you. Everyone is different. Not everyone on MN has handled their lives perfectly, so make your own decision not those that strangers on here would make. If contacting her in order for you to move on is best, then do so.

GlowingOrb · 01/11/2020 15:46

This conversation has the potential to backfire and make you feel even worse, while it has little potential to provide you with anything that will make you feel better. I don’t think the odds are even 50-50, more like 90-10.

Separatedandabitsad · 01/11/2020 15:47

Any therapist will tell you that some marriages survive affairs and can be strong and healthy. It’s true — I definitely don’t know enough about their marriage to comment on its status, just as no-one on this thread knows enough about their marriage to know what their being still together really means. None of us know much about this marriage.

Bluntness100 · 01/11/2020 15:48

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

I’m amazed your DH and you have stayed together through this and I suppose it shows how strong your marriage really is. Would you tell your DH you were going to contact her?

Not at all does this show how 'strong a marriage' is. If it were strong it wouldn't have happened, couldn't have happened. OP's husband has wrecked it, allowed somebody else into the marriage. He had absolute agency to prevent that from happening.

It's not strength to hold onto a marriage because you'd be too frightened/fearful of being on your own/unwilling to give up the familiar. Ultimately it's up to OP what she does and she should acknowledge the reasons only to herself.

Agree. And I’m rather surprised anyone would think like that poster.
Figgygal · 01/11/2020 15:48

Don’t embarrass yourself if you want to give anyone a lecture on morality it’s your husband you need to talk to
But seriously op if after 2 years and counselling you still thinking about this and don’t trust him maybe your marriage is over?

Separatedandabitsad · 01/11/2020 15:50

It's not strength to hold onto a marriage because you'd be too frightened/fearful of being on your own/unwilling to give up the familiar

But OP never gave her reasons for staying ...

Separatedandabitsad · 01/11/2020 15:53

If it were strong it wouldn't have happened, couldn't have happened

If only people and life were that simple!

Meixo · 01/11/2020 16:37

The thing is the OW may know things about your DH you don't. Things you might not want to know she might not see your DH as a prize or want him. A married man I was seeing when I was younger who love bombed me was a SAHD when the kids were young he worked as a landscaper when the kids were older his wife was older the breadwinner very successful but not very attractive compared to him. He had affairs/saw sex workers but stayed married to his wife because she was wealthy and he loved the lifestyle she provided.

I dumped him as it got too much and I knew I could do better than him but even now he will message saying how much he misses what we had Confused she knows he's had affairs/seen sex workers but still stays with him. I actually feel sorry for her , her self esteem must be in the gutter to accept it.
I was an idiot but I'm so glad I'm not married to him or had kids with him he's no prize.