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Original poster

Prostitute confession

161 replies

Whatdoido12 · 31/10/2020 09:36

Please help. I’ve changed my username as I’m so mortified.

My boyfriend of 7 years yesterday, completely out the blue, told me that about 8 weeks ago he had sex with a prostitute. He was driving and looked really ill. I asked him if he was ok and he just pulled over and told me, said the guilt was killing him.

What he says happened:
It was his friends birthday early September, they went out as a group of guys and went back to the friends house for an after party (what’s Covid, eh?). They were drinking heavily and also used ketamine and Coke. One of his friends called a prostitute - the friend had sex with the prostitute and then my boyfriend did. He said it was the worst thing he’s ever done, regretted it immediately and hates himself. He got an STI check and it came back clean. I’ve ordered a self test kit online anyway.

We had just this month started trying for a baby. We had sex on Wednesday in my “peak fertility” phase, I took the morning after pill yesterday as soon as I got home but I’m aware it might not work.

I made him sleep downstairs last night. I can hear him sobbing downstairs. He is about as contrite as a person can be currently.

My best friend’s grandad passed away yesterday morning so I don’t feel like I can talk to her about this. I feel so conflicted. I love him so much, he treats me better than I have ever been treated (apart from this, obviously) and we have been so happy for 7 years. We bought a house last year and have a dog and this has blindsided me.

I remember the morning after this happened - he came home quite sheepishly and REALLY hungover, was vomiting all day, I gave him a bollocking for staying at his mates house and taking loads of drugs, but that was that. He was very quiet and wanted lots of cuddling etc but I just naively assumed it was cause he was hungover/sorry for staying out when he shouldn’t of been.

And now I’m sitting here. I just don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
BigSandyBalls2015 · 31/10/2020 13:56

Oh blimey OP, I don’t think you can come back from this. How old are you both?

Raidblunner · 31/10/2020 15:55

Painful as it is he's cheated on you regardless of it being a prostitute or not. There's nothing morally different to a one night stand with a prostitute or anyone else. Thats the question you have to deal with irrespective of his remorse. Personally it would be over for me.

SoulofanAggron · 31/10/2020 17:41

There's nothing morally different to a one night stand with a prostitute or anyone else.

I think there is- well, a difference in tone. It's even more sleazy of the man.

dangerrabbit · 31/10/2020 17:47

Just to add something else to the mix, say in a hypothetical situation where you did have a kid and his drug use became known, this would be justification for social services to become involved. He's not someone I would recommend choosing for a father for your child for all the other reasons PPs have mentioned in the thread (prostitutes, cheating, attitude to women, drugs). Count it as a positive that you found out about this before you got pregnant, so you can make choices.

FangsForTheMemory · 31/10/2020 17:59

I wouldn’t want to be with someone so easily led, tbh. Apart from everything else.

Feelinglost006 · 31/10/2020 18:20

How are you OP

SpongeWorthy · 31/10/2020 18:45

There's nothing morally different to a one night stand with a prostitute or anyone else

There is for me because he has now revealed himself to be a man who thinks consent can be bought.

He is also willing to pay for sex in the full knowledge that he cannot possible know if the woman is vulnerable or not.

That's not the kind of man I would want to be, because that kind of man is a selfish misogynist. It's very different to a one night stand.

Opentooffers · 31/10/2020 18:48

Shagging a prostitute when in a long term relationship, unforgivable, even when drugged up - though likely a factor, still unforgivable. However, for the months after, and being totally drug free and sober, to then have unprotected sex with you, and even be trying to conceive!!! That caps it, no getting out of that continuous heinous behaviour, over a long period of time, putting you and potentially an unborn child at risk - takes a while for HIV to show up on a test so he can't have known he was free of that. It really does beggar belief, he could of at least made some excuse up as to why not delay a month or two. He's put himself above you and a potential child. Can only be that someone was about to blow the whistle on him, as he'd rather lie and TTC than face up, what a tosser.

OldWomanSaysThis · 31/10/2020 19:11

Re: the crying and him beating himself up over this - I have had plenty of men tell me they use this tactic of "falling on their sword" when someone is mad at them. It's manipulative and it works.

GilbertMarkham · 31/10/2020 20:16

I think this is something that happens to a lot of men once or twice in their lives, usually when pissed off their faces.

ConfusedConfusedHmmShock

Wtaf????

This poster must have the same dealer as op's mate.

It doesn't "happen to" anyone ... They choose to do it.

Op, I don't even want tothink about the sort of person who would decide to have a go on a prostitute his mate has called round to his place (with no condom at that) while he's got a partner at home. A partner yes TTC a child with incidentally.

I'm sure he's terribly lovely in many ways and all that (!) but this is not a man you want to have a child with ..or be on a relationship with.

I always find if helps to turn these situations around - since men tend to get a free pass from.sk many people for so much in so many situations in our society ...

imagine a guy who's in a long-term relationship with a woman, they've bought a house together, and they're ttc a baby. She goes out with her mates for one mate's birthday, goes back to said mate's place for after-party (in spite of covid), she takes coke and ketamin at the party, her mate organises a male escort or male stripper who's not averse to providing sexual services to come to party, mate shags him ... The opportunity appears to be there for others at the party to shag him; she takes it and shags him after her mate, without a condom.

What would we think.of the woman? What would we think of their relationship? Would we think he's in a decent relationship? Would we think he should continue TTC a baby with her? Would we think.he should continue the relationship with her?

I reckon most of us would think that there's something nit right with her, that she had no morals,has no standards, is damaged on some way, is a mess, is likely to be unfaithful.again, and is a poor bet for a relationship .. let alone the mother of your child (on your case father obviously).

That doesn't change because it's a male.

GilbertMarkham · 31/10/2020 20:20

takes a while for HIV to show up on a test

I read that hsv can damage a foetus.

GilbertMarkham · 31/10/2020 20:21

(Reference;

"Because the infection is common in women of reproductive age it can be contracted and transmitted to the fetus during pregnancy and the newborn. Herpes simplex virus is an important cause of neonatal infection, which can lead to death or long-term disabilities").

And that's just hsv.

GilbertMarkham · 31/10/2020 20:24

Just to make it clear I'm not mixing up hiv and hsv, just saying that even non life threatening (to the mother).STDs like hsv can damage or even kill an unborn child.

GilbertMarkham · 31/10/2020 20:27

That woman would not have knowingly gone into a house of drunk men. She probably has a pimp and is being coerced and abused.

This too.

You can imagine what could happen to her, the risk she's taking with a bunch or drink and high men.

Even if her pimp.or a friend knew she was in there, they're not in their with her; they could easily gang rape/run a train on her and make sure she got no access to her mobile phone for as long as they wished.

Very dangerous, risky, vulnerable situation ... You have to wonder at her circumstances.

GilbertMarkham · 31/10/2020 20:29

*in there

Elle10x0 · 31/10/2020 20:30

OP please go with your gut. He told you himself which is a big plus, it’s not like he hid it. All I’ll say is there are a lot of lonely people on mumsnet who beg anyone to leave their relationship. Relationships are messy. If you can forgive him then that’s your choice.

GilbertMarkham · 31/10/2020 20:34

Incidentally op, do you think.this is definitely the truth?

Some men think that cheating with a sex worker is more forgiveable than cheating with a civvie .. so when they cheat and maybe there's a reason they're forced to confess (like std risk or a diagnosed STD) they manufacture stories that makes the cheating with a sex worker (one ops partner did that about a lap dancing club, but I believe it turned out not to be the truth) because they think it'll be forgiven/can be minimised much more than a regular one night stand or fling.

There's a lot of "it was the circumstances I found myself in, swept along" stuff in his story ... Drugs at party, mate brought prostitute to party (I didn't go looking, I didnt pull), lots of people were doing it, I wax off my face, she was there" etc.

Just wondering if it's the real story.

GilbertMarkham · 31/10/2020 20:37

He told you himself which is a big plus, it’s not like he hid it.

Sounds like he was worried about STDs esp with them TTC. You don't know if he actually had something/had symptoms.

Besides are we really giving credit to someone who fucked a probably exploited prostitute, as sloppy seconds after their mate, when they have a partner at home .. for telling them lol.

Yeah he's a real gent.

GilbertMarkham · 31/10/2020 20:39

All I’ll say is there are a lot of lonely people on mumsnet who beg anyone to leave their relationship.

And there are lots of not lonely people in relationships and marriages who.dont want to see women treated like absolute shit, betrayed, abused (yeah cheating on someone and risking their health especially they're ttc your baby is actually abusive).

What a disgusting post.

GilbertMarkham · 31/10/2020 20:43

Relationships are messy.

Good relationships are not "messy".

And in any case, this isn't mess - this is field of shit.

FFS don't encourage someone to forgive this ... She's free, no child with him to date; what sort of life do you want to wish on people.

Whatwouldnanado · 31/10/2020 20:45

He sounds vile and you deserve better. Make a plan ASAP.

EarringsandLipstick · 31/10/2020 20:48

the friend had sex with the prostitute and then my boyfriend did.

In addition to agreeing with the vast majority of PPs about how vile this is, this particular sentence particularly makes my stomach turn.

It's all awful & unforgivable but this part stands out - he had sex with someone after his mate did. It's absolutely disgusting.

I hate the use of the term 'sloppy seconds' that some PPs have used. I can see why but it's so disrespectful I feel to the woman concerned.

I'm so sorry OP. I can't imagine how you begin to process this & move on. 💐

samiipeach · 31/10/2020 20:51

Drugs
Unprotected sex with a prostitute, and then with you to try conceive a baby?!
Hideous.
Absolutely disgusting. There isn't a way this can be moved on from. Usually I'm supportive in people trying to work through affairs etc in some cases - but this is really unforgivable. I'm so sorry this happened to you op ❤️

Yourpartjewishfriend · 31/10/2020 20:54

I am friends with lots of men, I was in the armed forces and have been on a fair few very drunken nights out.. none of them ever took coke or Kettermine. None of them slept with prostitutes.
It worries me you've normalised this behaviour.

samiipeach · 31/10/2020 20:54

Also re the prostitution - women in that position are usually highly vulnerable. The fact she was in a house full of drugged and drunken men, and was used for sex by at least 2 of them
Is vile. Real men don't treat a woman that way.