Prostitute confession

[Whatdoido12]

Please help. I’ve changed my username as I’m so mortified.

My boyfriend of 7 years yesterday, completely out the blue, told me that about 8 weeks ago he had sex with a prostitute. He was driving and looked really ill. I asked him if he was ok and he just pulled over and told me, said the guilt was killing him.

What he says happened:
It was his friends birthday early September, they went out as a group of guys and went back to the friends house for an after party (what’s Covid, eh?). They were drinking heavily and also used ketamine and Coke. One of his friends called a prostitute - the friend had sex with the prostitute and then my boyfriend did. He said it was the worst thing he’s ever done, regretted it immediately and hates himself. He got an STI check and it came back clean. I’ve ordered a self test kit online anyway.

We had just this month started trying for a baby. We had sex on Wednesday in my “peak fertility” phase, I took the morning after pill yesterday as soon as I got home but I’m aware it might not work.

I made him sleep downstairs last night. I can hear him sobbing downstairs. He is about as contrite as a person can be currently.

My best friend’s grandad passed away yesterday morning so I don’t feel like I can talk to her about this. I feel so conflicted. I love him so much, he treats me better than I have ever been treated (apart from this, obviously) and we have been so happy for 7 years. We bought a house last year and have a dog and this has blindsided me.

I remember the morning after this happened - he came home quite sheepishly and REALLY hungover, was vomiting all day, I gave him a bollocking for staying at his mates house and taking loads of drugs, but that was that. He was very quiet and wanted lots of cuddling etc but I just naively assumed it was cause he was hungover/sorry for staying out when he shouldn’t of been.

And now I’m sitting here. I just don’t know what to do.

[rebecca102]

He is pure FILTH.

[Hailtomyteeth]

Yes, sack him. Drug user, shags prostitutes... what's to like about this one? He has to go.

[DrFoxtrot]

What an absolute idiot. He's thrown everything away for this . I'm sorry OP is there anyone else you can tell in RL, a sister?

[RuthTopp]

In ops post I don't see it says unprotected . You obviously have to hope it was, but still , in my book unforgivable .

[enigma16]

What everyone else has said but also this he treats me better than I have ever been treated. Really?

Sounds like you set the bar very low in what you expect from a partner!

LTB

[SpongeWorthy]

Re: the drugs, it’s not a usual thing for him. He used a bit of Coke at uni on a very recreational basis but it’s certainly not something he does usually (and I’m 100% certain on that) hence the bollocking I gave him when he came home that next morning.

The thing is, if someone had asked you if he would ever use a prostitute you would have said 100% no, until you hadn't found out.

He's not only betrayed you and risked your health, he has shown you that he isn't who you thought he was. You can't get trust back from that place.

You're doing the right thing. If you feel yourself weakening and reconsidering, really think about whether you want to have a baby with someone you know is a drug user and someone who thinks they can buy consent from a woman and doesn't care if that woman is vulnerable or not - there's no way to know if she is.

Men who have sex with prostitutes are misogynists. Never have a baby with someone you know to be a misogynist.

You're doing the right thing, stay strong and don't take him back

[Joy69]

Other than the obvious of drug taking & the prostitute, another big thing is that he is so weak that he goes along with what his friends are doing. You want a man who has his own mind. As another poster said it won't be the end. My exh & his mates used to egg each other on & thought nothing of having sex with someone when their partners were upstairs asleep. Forward wind 20 years & nothing has changed. Their justification is that they're not married so it doesn't count ( they have homes & kids together).
Please don't be saddled with a man like this, it's so much harder to split when the kids come along. You are worth more than this, there's no respect here.

[blindinglyobviouslight]

My personal view is that I just couldn't respect a guy who had sex with a prostitute. I regard it as worse that cheating on me with a woman who is freely choosing to and enjoying having sex with him. That he could use a woman's body like that, knowing she is only letting him access her body for money, repels me. I just couldn't see him the same again.

Sorry OP.

[SpongeWorthy]

@Nandakanda

How do you know she was vulnerable?

That's the point, there's no way of knowing. So men who pay for sex with a prostitute run the risk of that prostitute being vulnerable.

They want to pay for sex more than they give a shit about the woman as a human being.

If you would want to be with someone like that then it's your prerogative but acting as if women are naive and OTT for not wanting someone like that is odd.

You're welcome to them!

[Feelinglost006]

I have just been in this situation. He was using coke and I suspected sleeping With sex workers and last weekend finally confessed. I wanted to make the relationship work but he had mentally checked out I think and he ended it. I finally held my hands up and agreed. It’s painful it really really hurts and I am veering between anger , sadness and feeling I can’t go on with life. But deep deep deep down I know the next time he does coke he will do it again. And I will never trust him despite kidding myself it will all be ok. I wanted the relationship to work so badly. Because I didn’t want people to know it had failed and ask why , because I had hung all my hopes of a happy future on him , I wanted my happy ever after and now it won’t be happening with him. If it happens at all. It’s made me feel worthless and it’s left me imagining him and these women together and I feel so low. I don’t know what to advise you. Personally I think you will forgive him but whether he can really change I don’t think so

[Bunnymumy]

Is he prepared to never see those friends again?
...infact, has he seen them since that night?

Its seems odd that he has been fine with shagging you for a month unprotected and now suddenly has had this wave of guilt. I suspect someone has threatened to tell you what he did.

[workhomesleeprepeat]

There is something particularly icky about him having sex with her after his friend! Really gross.

And he cheated on you btw - if he met a girl in a nightclub and had sex with her would that be ok? Nope. And neither is this.

[workhomesleeprepeat]

@Bunnymumy

Is he prepared to never see those friends again?
...infact, has he seen them since that night?

Its seems odd that he has been fine with shagging you for a month unprotected and now suddenly has had this wave of guilt. I suspect someone has threatened to tell you what he did.

Agree with this - why is he suddenly feeling so burdened with guilt now?

[NiceandCalm]

You could never ever trust him again.

[Meruem]

I also agree with Bunny. Has he said he won’t see these friends again? If not, it doesn’t matter what else he says. While it isn’t the friends “fault” that he did what he did, a truly remorseful person would want to make sure for their sake, and your peace of mind, that they wouldn’t be in that situation again.
Also agree that his sudden attack of guilt seems odd.

[Serenity45]

I’m not normally one to wade in and shout ltb, but he was involved in treating a (probably very vulnerable) woman in an exceptionally degrading way. He has also cheated on you and then had unprotected sex with you. So he would be out of my door straight away, no matter how ‘upset’ he was about it.

This, in spades

[widespreadpanic]

The drug use back in school would’ve been a deal breaker for me so it would’ve never gotten to the cheating phase. Also men that are so weak to follow the leader are a big turn off for me.

[IWantT0BreakFree]

I suspect we have very different ideas about what is acceptable or commonplace behaviour given your response to him taking hard drugs was to deliver a bollocking and then "that was that".

Hard drugs would be an absolute deal breaker for me. As would paying a potentially extremely vulnerable woman for the use of her body after his mate already "had a go". He has caused so much harm and potential harm, and his actions speak to his character. These are not mistakes or things that "just happen" to decent men.

1. He used a potentially very vulnerable woman for sex like she was an object in a house full of men who were under the influence of drugs. She was not safe.
   
2. He took hard drugs which, as well as being dangerous and illegal, are frequently funding all kinds of other illegal activity such as sex trafficking.
   
3. He had unprotected sex with you, knowing that he was risking your health and that of any baby you may have conceived.
   
4. He continued TTC with you, knowing that you may well want him out of your life if you knew the truth. He would have trapped you with his baby.
   
5. He was recklessly spending time in an extremely high risk setting (having sex with someone who has sex with loads of other strangers!) during a global pandemic, risking the lives of any vulnerable or elderly people he may have had direct or indirect contact with subsequently.
   
6. He was unfaithful.
   

Unfortunately when someone "doesn't know what to do" in really obvious cases like this, it almost always means they are going to sweep it under the carpet, stay and bring some kids into the mix for good measure. Don't be that person. You are worth more and your future kids are worth more than to grow up with this misogynist druggy arsehole for a father.

[Seatime]

That poor woman who was prostituted. Her orifices being rented out to 2 men on drugs. Your man is a prostitutor. Do not have a baby with him, he will make your life hell.

[SpongeWorthy]

1. He used a potentially very vulnerable woman for sex like she was an object in a house full of men who were under the influence of drugs. She was not safe.

This. And the fact he and his friend both had sex with her is so grim. He sounds absolutely fucking awful.

[Seenobody]

Why couldn’t he have told you before he started trying to impregnate you?

And no, sorry, he is not treating you better than you have ever been treated. It’s worse I should think than anyone else.

[Seenobody]

Btw what does he expect you to do with the information?

[freeingNora]

@Nandakanda

How do you know she was vulnerable?

Tasteless I grant you, but the practice of prostitution has persisted across the centuries with seeming immunity from the views and mores of the times.

Let's face it, if this was a woman that had a one night stand for example, she would be advised to keep quiet about it and save the time she'd invested in the relationship.

Wtf did this character think he was doing spilling the beans to his oh? Particularly if she's then going to throw it before a kangaroo court on MN.

Don't just don't ! With the prostitution apologist nonsense the average prostitute is either trafficked or pimped and the her life expectancy is 36 years old

Slavery and abuse is not liberation no matter what anyone say

What repugnant nonsense

I'm so sorry this happened but I think you know what to do

[PrincessForADay]

OP run!

He sounds like a loser.
Please get tested for STIs. I hope you are ok. You have every right to be so angry at him

[jeaux90]

I think he's showed you everything you need to know about how he feels about women.

That woman would not have knowingly gone into a house of drunk men. She probably has a pimp and is being coerced and abused.

I would expect a man worthy of me not only to have not done what he did but to have intervened in his friends doing it too.

Do you think he'd be a good father to a daughter?

I think not.

Move on OP, you deserve better.