Prostitute confession

[Whatdoido12]

Please help. I’ve changed my username as I’m so mortified.

My boyfriend of 7 years yesterday, completely out the blue, told me that about 8 weeks ago he had sex with a prostitute. He was driving and looked really ill. I asked him if he was ok and he just pulled over and told me, said the guilt was killing him.

What he says happened:
It was his friends birthday early September, they went out as a group of guys and went back to the friends house for an after party (what’s Covid, eh?). They were drinking heavily and also used ketamine and Coke. One of his friends called a prostitute - the friend had sex with the prostitute and then my boyfriend did. He said it was the worst thing he’s ever done, regretted it immediately and hates himself. He got an STI check and it came back clean. I’ve ordered a self test kit online anyway.

We had just this month started trying for a baby. We had sex on Wednesday in my “peak fertility” phase, I took the morning after pill yesterday as soon as I got home but I’m aware it might not work.

I made him sleep downstairs last night. I can hear him sobbing downstairs. He is about as contrite as a person can be currently.

My best friend’s grandad passed away yesterday morning so I don’t feel like I can talk to her about this. I feel so conflicted. I love him so much, he treats me better than I have ever been treated (apart from this, obviously) and we have been so happy for 7 years. We bought a house last year and have a dog and this has blindsided me.

I remember the morning after this happened - he came home quite sheepishly and REALLY hungover, was vomiting all day, I gave him a bollocking for staying at his mates house and taking loads of drugs, but that was that. He was very quiet and wanted lots of cuddling etc but I just naively assumed it was cause he was hungover/sorry for staying out when he shouldn’t of been.

And now I’m sitting here. I just don’t know what to do.

[Dontletitbeyou]

Drugs , sex with a prostitute . It’s a no from me

[SoulofanAggron]

Oh OP.

Drugs and (unprotected?) sex with a second-hand prostitute? Please separate from him ASAP. Some of the guys there managed not to have sex with her, and maybe some didn't even take any of the drugs. He chose to do it all.

[babasaclover]

Although taking drugs is not good, I live in the real world I know that this does go on. I believe that he doesn't do it regularly, otherwise he wouldn't of told you.

For me the thing I couldn't get over is the prostitute, especially after his mate had already had a go 🤢🤢🤢

Even if you could forgive him, imagine your child growing up and socialising with your partners friends you think that kind of behaviour is normal

[Whatdoido12]

You are all right. I appreciate the time taken to put me straight x

[Onxob]

What a seedy prick. I feel a bit ill thinking about that. Lining up to have sex with what is presumably a very vulnerable woman like she's an object. I know he's been tested but it's simply luck he didn't come home to you riddled with STIs. Did he have the test results back before he potentially exposed you? I would feel dirty after having unprotected sex with him after all this - STIs or not.

Unless your self-esteem is on the floor there's no coming back from this OP. Consider it lucky you found out before tying yourself to thos fucking creep forever.

[Nandakanda]

I think mn is the wrong place to ask such a question - you know exactly what kind of answers you're going to get.

I think this is something that happens to a lot of men once or twice in their lives, usually when pissed off their faces. No great thought will have gone into it, and few would hold any particular views on the rights and wrongs of prostitution.

The random drug use is potentially a problem, and where the fuck did all these crying men come from?

[Oxyiz]

Poor woman, and poor you, what a horrible way to have to end things.

Men who use women as prostitutes are scum.

[Oxyiz]

Also bullshit that using a prostitute is no big deal, or that its okay if the men don't give it much thought. That's even worse.

[TenPenceMix]

My first ever LTB (and I've been lurking on Mn for years!!!)

[jessstan1]

How old is he?

[Goatinthegarden]

@Nandakanda

I think mn is the wrong place to ask such a question - you know exactly what kind of answers you're going to get.

I think this is something that happens to a lot of men once or twice in their lives, usually when pissed off their faces. No great thought will have gone into it, and few would hold any particular views on the rights and wrongs of prostitution.

The random drug use is potentially a problem, and where the fuck did all these crying men come from?

Interesting. I know plenty of men who would be absolutely horrified at the idea of inviting a vulnerable woman into a house of drunk/drugged men and lining up to have sex with her.

[rainbowstardrops]

He had sloppy seconds with a prostitute, took drugs and mixed with who knows who during a global pandemic???
There is no way on this earth that I'd have a baby with that! What an idiot he is

[AlwaysCheddar]

He needs to go. All unacceptable.

[Nandakanda]

How do you know she was vulnerable?

Tasteless I grant you, but the practice of prostitution has persisted across the centuries with seeming immunity from the views and mores of the times.

Let's face it, if this was a woman that had a one night stand for example, she would be advised to keep quiet about it and save the time she'd invested in the relationship.

Wtf did this character think he was doing spilling the beans to his oh? Particularly if she's then going to throw it before a kangaroo court on MN.

[Oxyiz]

There is a HUGE difference between a one night stand and using someone who is being paid to have sex. That's leaving aside the drugs and shitty friends he clearly has.

Can you honestly, seriously not see the difference? Like - in your mind its all breezily the same?

[Nandakanda]

PS: I'd dump him for being a crying, drug - taking fool...and a whoremonger.

[Candleabra]

@Wyntersdiary

If he's cheating now with a prostitute then he can cheat when things get tough like when you have kids and are shattered and the sex becomes a bit less and he's thinking you don't fancy him now because God forbid you want 1 night of decent sleep and not to be fondled.

Let's see how he handles those changes.

The drugs would already be a reason to leave for me but having sex with someone else is even more a deal-breaker. No excuses I would be gone before I have a child.

Could never trust him again

Completely agree with this.
A baby is a big test for any relationship, and any gaps in expectations or lifestyle grow even wider.
Fast forward a year and you'll be doing everything with the baby while your boyfriend still goes out to drug fuelled parties and complains that you're too tired for sex and no fun any more
And you're not married so no financial protection for you either. You really need to rethink your life plan.

[ExclamationPerfume]

It shows everything he thinks about women. The drugs would be a deal breaker for me too. Get rid.

[DrMorbius]

I think mn is the wrong place to ask such a question - you know exactly what kind of answers you're going to get

^^This with bells on.

[PasstheBucket89]

your head must be all over the place the fact hes telling you now after 8 weeks,, i wonder if he was worried someone was going to tell you. i think try and ignore him, his big baby act, your feelings are the priority here.

[Goatinthegarden]

You don’t think that a lone woman, willingly going to a house of unknown, drunken/drugged up men because she is desperate for money isn’t vulnerable? Anything could happen to her, they certainly aren’t likely to treat her respectfully. OPs partner clearly didn’t treat her with respect.

Prostitution might have been going on for centuries and yes, you’ve probably read stories of high class prostitutes who take are fiercely independent and use their feminine wiles to take advantage of lonely men by having sex with them in 5 star hotels for huge sums of money, but this was hardly that scenario was it?

[SoulofanAggron]

I think mn is the wrong place to ask such a question - you know exactly what kind of answers you're going to get.

@Nandakanda People come here for support. Even if not on Mumsnet, I think almost all women would advise against being in a relationship with, or having children with, someone who takes hard drugs and shagged a prostitute, especially when he was in a relationship with the OP.

[Noidea2114]

You need to decide what is best for YOU. Don't let him burdon you with his crying, saying sorry etc.
Some men will turn it around and play the little boy act, try to make you feel sorry for them.
Will he leave so you can get your head and feelings sorted.
This has been a big shock. At least you found out now.

[Iyiyi]

There are some unpleasant attitudes to sex workers on this thread. I’m not talking about people who are concerned about them being vulnerable, I’m talking about those who are using words like “tainted” “dirty” and “whoremonger”

Your partner has cheated. The fact that he has chosen to cheat with someone potentially vulnerable is certainly a factor. The fact that he has chosen to be honest about it would be another factor. For me personally, the drugs would be a much bigger issue, but that’s my personal perspective because I was married to someone with substance abuse issues and when he was in an altered state he would do all sorts of things he would later regret - like this.

[AnyFucker]

I think mn is the wrong place to ask such a question - you know exactly what kind of answers you're going to get

What other courses of action would be recommended then ?