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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Online dating in your 40s - Part 2

982 replies

StarlightSparkle · 30/10/2020 12:30

New thread as I don’t think we are anywhere near done on this subject!

OP posts:
Angelofdeath · 04/11/2020 15:45

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Mayzee · 04/11/2020 17:14

@pineappleonpizzaornot I would combine option 1 and 3- move home until spring with hope of securing a job near home by the time your current workplace opens. I think we are in the space of rolling lockdowns anyway so being miserable and without family is not worth it.
@VivaVegas sounds lovely and hopefully the plans next week materialise. It’s shit that these lockdown mean real dates are off the table and we are pushed to take aways at home in the early stages. I really hope when the various lockdowns are lifted that the irons don’t think that the house meet ups are all we want Grin
@Isitreally77 that’s really crap - hope you are ok. I think this guy is flaky as hell and you deserve better. Even he doesn’t want to meet he could have told you- I’m mad for you because this has happened to me and it hurts. I would rethink even a friendship with him tbh if he comes crawling back!
My asshole ex has agreed to have the kids on Saturday (of his 2 night weekend Hmm) - I’m expected to be grateful when I want to murder him but I will restrain myself! I really want to see Mr G my one and only iron but it’s breaking our lockdown rules as we are limited to a 5km distance! I’m thinking we haven’t seen each other in 4 weeks and I’m going to risk it to go see him- assuming he’s up for it of courseBlush I don’t want him to come to me because of aforementioned nutter ex! Lockdown sucks so much!

Isitreally77 · 04/11/2020 17:39

@Mayzee yes it hurts like hell right now, normally I would throw myself into the gym but I can't even do that after today (and am pretty emotional at that too) I think the issue i have is that last week when he cancelled and said he didn't have time to meet anyone as his life is a mess but still wanted to chat, I said that's cool happy to chat and be there as a friend. Then he changed his mind on Thursday and wanted to meet again. Now this today. Why cancel the first two times and not bother this time.

@Angelofdeath thank you.

sugarlost · 04/11/2020 18:48

@Isitreally77Flowers Cry if you need to...I think it's a combination of emotions including lockdown and your disappointment today. I hate when they do this....I think one of my dates(if you can call it that) only turned up as we confirmed we wanted to progress sexy talk and even then I had to ask if we were still meeting on the day...he didn't really seem bothered. Even when he was with me he was a bit off at times...he mentioned he was shy...I don't think it was shy... maybe socially awkward or disappointment.
Anyway I agree I don't think you should still communicate after he has left you feeling like this... it's not right to play with your emotions. I agree with angel not to disclose your relationship history going forward is a good idea to try and protect yourself.y

@Angelofdeath Block Mr77? Who does he think he is....

@VivaVegas Glad it went wellGrin... difficult because of lockdown going forward

@pineappleonpizzaornot I'd try and plan it to try and ensure I have a job if possible

Angelofdeath · 04/11/2020 19:23

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Isitreally77 · 04/11/2020 21:23

Thanks everyone. I sat in the bath and cried just now. I let myself get hurt again and after last year I vowed not to let that happen.

I had my last gym class today and my instructor said well done for losing all the weight and I looked really good. I don't think he realises how much that meant to me tonight.

I'm struggling though as I really thought Mr Computer Geek was a decent guy just with issues. It just seems out of character for him. One of my male friends(naively) said maybe something has come up and he can't check his messages, its strange he was messaging last night.

I think today has just been an emotional day all round and this just topped it off.

Dan1980 · 04/11/2020 21:49

Interesting reading from the opposite genders perspective - I never realised the reservoir dogs thing of Mr Blue and Mr green were used so much by women lol.

Incidentally online dating is much easier for women due to the dynamics of the sites

Angelofdeath · 04/11/2020 23:28

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timetochangeagainforever · 04/11/2020 23:32

Hi all, hope everyone is ok.

So yes I hear from Mr Blue throughout the day and eve and he's sorted the container situation but I think it will delay the job finishing and therefore him coming back....I'm getting cynical now thinking he's never coming back so although I do really like the communication, I'm not getting too excited.

Also heard from Mr Green who blew Me out last Friday! Full of apology saying he smashed his phone and didn't get replacement until today. I just replied 'Oh really!?' - he's then sent messages apologising asking if he can make it up to me, am I still interested, when would I be free blah blah.....I've not yet responded. Maybe I will, maybe I won't, not much we could do for a date now anyway.

BUT the biggest news is, the girlfriend of my abusive controlling ex messaged me when I ignored her FB friend request, asking about his behaviour when we were together. I replied, giving examples. Turns out he's doing the same to her (jealousy, gaslighting, controlling, stonewalling, coercing) told her a pack of lies about everything including me - said we were together for 1 year when it was 8, that we split up Jan 2019 when it was Sept 2019 ......and they got together in Feb 2019 when I thought he was working away! We are both shocked. She found me as I have an unusual name and I gave her my number. His mask had begun to slip and she was questioning herself and actually said to him "you said timetochange was mad - I think it was you who drove her mad" . We had a good chat yesterday. I sent her evidence of our 8yr relationship and the fact we were still together when he met her (texts and emails and photos) She was very apologetic, poor woman was shaking - neither of us had any idea. She had already told him to leave her house and to stay at his flat during lockdown as his behaviour and mood swings were waving red flags, but now she told him last night to leave for good on Friday. I really feel for her as she's more entangled than I was, they practically live together where as he hardly came to my house as my older kids hated him. I told her that I'd reported his behaviour to the police when we split so it's on record if he gets nasty with her, there's evidence there already. What a prick, I'm a bit shocked but I'm so over him, im not bothered really, just concerned about the woman he did it to after me. She's just glad to get out after almost 2yrs and not longer and was very grateful to talk to me. She's going to call tomorrow as he's still in her house and again on Friday so that I know she's ok. She has an older teen daughter living there too who is aware of the situation and she sounds strong and determined, angry but relieved I think. Men eh......makes me wonder whether to pursue this OLD

timetochangeagainforever · 04/11/2020 23:35

@Isitreally77 - sorry to hear that, the sheer rudeness of some men astounded me but doesn't bother me anymore. I had two ask me out, asked about food etc then not made further contact....why bother asking?

I hope you do get the answers to your question why though

timetochangeagainforever · 04/11/2020 23:41

@VivaVegas sounds positive and great to hear you had a fun night. Let us know what happens re post date communication....hopefully it will be fun and help you decide about a take away at his.

I was wondering about lockdown rules and bubbles etc. If Mr Blue does come back next week. Could I go to his house if I wanted to, say after we'd initially met for a walk? We both live alone and the quarantine has been lifted from the country he's currently in. I'm in tier 1 and him tier 2 but I think they've gone out the window now?

timetochangeagainforever · 04/11/2020 23:49

Oh .....and one man who I was what'sapp messaging weeks ago then stopped because he bored me not saying much or actually arranging a date, sent me a video yesterday of him having a wank! I was waiting at the bus stop and almost dropped my phone! He sent a topless one weeks ago but I ignored it....don't know how he thought I'd react to this but I ignored it too, then got a 'hi, how are you' message this morning as though he'd not sent the video...very bizarre but now nothing shocks me 🤣😫maybe I should be grateful that he's keeping in touch 😂

Angelofdeath · 05/11/2020 00:03

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Isitreally77 · 05/11/2020 07:12

I had a rubbish night's sleep, was having nightmares for some reason. So at 4.30am I sent Mr Computer Geek a message saying i gave him the benefit of the doubt as i thought he came across as a nice guy and had sympathy for his situation and offered to listen and be a friend. But he is no different to the others. I said how I felt like an idiot but at least I was honest, if only he had the decency to be the same with me.

I feel much better after sending it, if he reads it I hope he thinks twice about using women like he does. I'm probably the completely wrong type of person to OLD as I let my emotions get the better of me, but I'm fed up of men thinking they can string women along and he was sadly the one that tipped me to say what I thought.

Now it is back to swiping I suppose.

Angelofdeath · 05/11/2020 08:54

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sugarlost · 05/11/2020 09:25

@Isitreally77 I hope you sleep better tonight. I would think of having a break from online even if it's for a few days. It's true what Angel said.. some men can really treat us badly on there.

I dreamt of someone I saw last year...he apologized for not keeping in touch and I was so excited to see him... then I woke up..life.

Mayzee · 05/11/2020 10:25

Aw @Isitreally77 that’s hard - hopefully today will be better. Just remember it’s him not you - his loss *hairtoss Smile

pineappleonpizzaornot · 05/11/2020 12:36

@Dan1980 - I really dont think its easier for women at all....just look at this thread, they contact, they want to meet, they ghost....why?

Hopefully, I may have sorted with work that I come into the office twice a week, so I can move home and work 3 days from there....depends if the other office staff agree, so cross your fingers for me, it would literally give me my life back! In the meantime, I haven't even opened my apps, I cant be bothered with the sex talk after 1 message, it makes me feel sick!
@Isitreally77 A wanking video....vomit, vomit, vomit!
@timetochangeagainforever - I would be careful getting sucked into your ex's love life, hes an ex for a reason, and you dont need to be dragged into it again, from the sounds of it hes an arse, and I would steer clear from him and anyone he gets involved with.

pineappleonpizzaornot · 05/11/2020 12:38

sorry....last comment was for @timetochangeagainforever not @Isitreally77....ooops!

pineappleonpizzaornot · 05/11/2020 12:39

MG....I did it right the first time! note to self, dont try and work and post at the same time

littleloopylou · 05/11/2020 12:44

Hello, wondering if I can join! I've got a few OLD profiles which I haven't been using. Considering dusting them off!

sugarlost · 05/11/2020 13:04

I've heard stories of wanking videos....I bet their quite common sadly. Even worse when not sent with a warning!

Agree with pineapple about @timetochangeagainforever not getting caught up in Ex drama. If I did anything I'd say contact Womens Aid and would have no further contact .

Welcome @littleloopylou I hope you're strong mentally lol...it's not even a joke... it's hard out there. Its difficult with lockdown now but I'm sure there are some good men out there... it's just finding them and dealing with the challenges in between as detailed in this threadGrin

Angelofdeath · 05/11/2020 13:22

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littleloopylou · 05/11/2020 13:28

Thanks @sugarlost. I'm currently in a position where I'm not even sure it's worth looking because I have a low opinion of men in general after a horrible/abusive relationship. But it might pass the time during lockdown if nothing else Wink

Angelofdeath · 05/11/2020 13:43

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