Too Soon After Wife Passed Away?

[DontBlameMe79]

First time poster, need to share and don't have anyone else. Short story is there is a senior bloke at work that I've worked closely with for the last 3 years (not my boss). He seemed to be one of those too good to be true types, everyone likes him, natural leader without being overbearing, supportive of his team, amazing dry sense of humour had me in stitches, and he did all this without seeming to try that hard (is a workaholic tho). Long-time marriage and 2 DCs in early 20s (I think he's mid-50s). I'm 41 and divorced 5 years ago, one DC is 12. Separation reasonably amicable, just didn't work in the end and we rub along now. I've dated on and off but it's depressing. I admit I had a massive crush on this guy when we started working together but circumstances meant nothing happened obviously and he was always just professional, but I fell pretty hard. Managed to shake it in the end, but it's never completely gone away.

Then his wife passed away in March, right before COVID. Short illness and no treatment apparently. I didn't see that much of him right after because of lockdown but from what I heard from others he was devastated. Then for the last couple of months I've seen him again at work and he's subdued but doing the stiff upper lip thing but I sometimes see him staring out of the window looking sad and my heart melts. Then we had lunch at work a few weeks ago that was supposed to be a quick sandwich on business but we ended up over 2 hours. He talked about his wife and some of how he felt, but he's still pretty guarded. I just listened for the most part. He seems fatalistic about what's happened but obviously massive impact. Anyway that two hours triggered the feelings I had 3 years ago in a way I've never experienced before, to the point of not sleeping, losing appetite, like I'm 15 again blah blah. He's never given any indication of being interested in me as anything other than a friend and work colleague, but before his loss we had so much chemistry when we were talking and the occasional little flirt from both of us. I always found him physically very attractive and he has a weird physical issue (it's a bit identifying so I won't say more) that everyone can see that he acts as if is not even there. The way he just gets on with things despite this is another part of the attraction, I suppose it's the confidence. I know I'm gushing but I don't have anyone else to say this to.

Now I don't know what to do. I want to respect what happened to his wife, but truth is he's the first potential partner since my divorce I can even imagine being with. Here's the thing though, I know there are others who think the same and fact is he's also loaded financially from career success. I'm fortunate myself so that's not a factor, but that plus his other attributes mean I can't get out of my head that he's going to be targeted and I'll suddenly find out he's with someone else. The thought of that happening is making me feel physically sick. Literally. I've even been hoping for tighter lockdown in the hope it will stop anything else happening. So looking for some views on whether it's too soon to try to nudge things along ever so subtly, and even how to do it. I don't want to look like a vulture but my thoughts are driving me nuts. Which is why I'm posting this in the middle of the night :( sorry for the rambling. I just needed to share really.

@DontBlameMe79 This is all in your head.

This man has not shown any interest in your sexually, only as a listening ear.

It's not about 'is it too soon'.

It IS all about a fantasy you have created in your own head about having a relationship with him.

Until he asks you for a date or makes a move, it's neither too soon, nor too late.

It's a fantasy in your head.

Gently... subtly... go for it.

I think generally, in my own experience, men (more often than women) are more open to what may turn into just friendship initially, sooner than”people” think is appropriate. A friend’s wife died from a short illness. She had some treatment but the condition was already very established when it was found and she very sadly died. Five months later, her husband of 30 years went on holiday with another lady who’d also lost her husband, 4 years previously. Others tut-tutted. My attitude is life goes on and is tough. Tougher than ever, right now. It’s up to him. And you.

It may be, if it’s too soon, that you “spoil” any chance of a future with him. May be, you’d be friends and then more. As I say, go gently but don’t miss the opportunity to say that he’s special to you and you’d like to know him better.

That’s what I’d do.

It’s not the time factor so much as the fact that you work with him. I think you are right to be wary and to be honest I would back off at this stage.

But even if he was single and wasn’t going through this tragic event, I still wouldn’t think you should go for it.

There’s nothing in it that suggests he sees you anymore as a work colleague 😳 if you start trying to put it on him and he’s not I resented it’s going to make work difficult for the both of you.

The way you’re swooning and describing him sounds like a 15 year old and is heavily influenced and based on a physical attraction above all else.

Not even sure if this is but I’ll assume not.

Which makes me realise I'm thinking about being predatory to protect him from all the predators out there. FFS.

You obviously really care for this man and I understand the above.
Be his friend. Be kind, show him that you value his friendship. If anything else is going to develop, it will develop naturally.

Here's the thing though, I know there are others who think the same and fact is he's also loaded financially from career success. I'm fortunate myself so that's not a factor, but that plus his other attributes mean I can't get out of my head that he's going to be targeted and I'll suddenly find out he's with someone else.

This is just awful OP.

You want to get your sticky little fingers on him before any other woman does. Just back off.

Your risk creating a very tricky situation in the workplace for yourself and him, and you are likely to come off worse if he tumbles to the fact you are preying on him.

Jesus... I missed that jingling

Yes, you need to back off OP.

You could ask him in a way that doesn’t sound like you’re making a move. Tell him it was really good to talk the other day and ask if he would like to chat some more over an afternoon country ramble and Sunday roast. You’re trying to get fitter or want to explore x area by foot or see the autumn colour and it might be good for your spirits too

Aim to see each other outside as friends for 6 months

No one can judge if it's too soon other than the people involved.
I absolutely hate it when grown adults are treated badly (including by adult children) because they are deemed to have moved on too quickly.
No-ones business but their own.
And yes I have been the bereaved in this situation. The judgemental idiots that felt it was their place to police my grieving time were cruel and interfering. They made my difficult existence even harder.

But that targeting thing is awful.
Leave him alone.

Read “The Rules”. Lots of woman say it’s sexist and they won’t game play.
Actually it’s very good for dealing with the infatuation you’re feeling. Lots of examples of infatuated behaviour and how to deal with it so you don’t compromise yourself and damage the friendship you have with him.
It’s helpful to know many women feel like this ( enough to write a book) and it’s not great people telling you are a stalker or similar.

He's very obviously still grieving, and despite the fact that you think there may have been chemistry and mutual flirting, you said he's given no indication of being interested in you and that he's always been professional.

I'd stick to just being his friend at the moment, honestly. He's given absolutely no indication that he's ready to pursue a romantic relationship with anyone. If you rush into declaring your feelings or asking him out on a date before he's ready you might lose him as a friend too.

He spent 2 hours talking about his wife.

He’s not ready.

He's never expressed any interest in you and you're assuming he'd want to settle down with you. That's a big assumption.

You don't know anything about what he wants, his plans or his current circumstances. He may be seeing someone already or he may not want someone serious. Perhaps he is looking but doesn't fancy you at all.

Stop assuming that you can click your fingers and have him. You can be open to having a relationship with him if he expresses interest but he hasn't.

As others have said this is all what you feel and want and need. His wife had died, he misses her terribly and you’re talking about how attractive you find him!

Please just stop it. Be a listening ear, but for now leave him to grieve for his wife. It’s such early days for him!

I don't have an opinion on whether it's 'too soon' or not, it's nobody's business but his. If he's interested in you as something other than a friend then it also becomes yours.

That said, for your sake, will you kindly stop seeing women as 'predators' encroaching on your territory. They are not - and he isn't yours. If you don't stop that then it's quite possible that he'll keep you at a distance and whilst you'll help him come to terms with his loss, he will keep you at friendship stage - and you'll find that melts away when he does find another woman to start a relationship with.

My DF remarried 3 yrs after DM died. He was targeted by a ‘friend ‘ of DMs who swooped in in the early days. My siblings and I welcomed her into the family and let them get on with it. In hindsight she had only one motive and it was his money. Fortunately and unfortunately he didn’t have to endure a long unhappy marriage with her as he died 4 yrs later.
Your comment about his financial status is very worrying.
If as you say he is an all round lovely man I suspect outside of work he has a wonderful support network and plenty of social contacts and much more suitable future partners.

Of course it’s not too soon, I think people are ridiculous when they say this, personally.

life is too short to not so some thing.
keep bei g his friend and if something is supposed to come of it it naturally will

Agree with PPs who said only the widow/widower can decide if they are ready for a new relationship or not and when that might be.
In your position, I'd invite him for coffee, lunch or dinner but as a friend. Sure, you might want more but you have to follow his lead.

Some of the responses are very harsh on the OP

The reality is that none of us know if he is attracted to the OP, or whether he is open to the idea of dating again after losing his wife

I would recommend that you enjoy his friendship and continue to be friendly and supportive but don't say or do anything at this point to indicate that you are interested in a relationship with him. Assuming he knows you are single then when he is ready (assuming the attraction is mutual) then things will naturally develop.

At least that way, if the attraction isn't mutual then you won't make things awkward or embarrassing for yourself at work

There's not really a "too soon". However, you're projecting far too much. If he's interested in you he will let you know. You had a long lunch together, if he feels any attraction he knows he could spend more time with you. People are saying be there as his friend, I agree with that, but you're work colleagues, don't try to force things. I think you need to calm down, at the moment this seems to be very much all on your side. As for your comments about someone else getting him first, they aren't great.

@JinglingHellsBells wow I didn't see that and I agree with you!

OP you sound grabby. At best.

OP admitted herself that wanting to get there before other "predators" is not a great attitude! Sounds to me like she is feeling absolutely desperate if she sees this one hardly-even-open window of opportunity as such a huge chance that she feels sick at the idea he might "get away".