Too Soon After Wife Passed Away?

[DontBlameMe79]

First time poster, need to share and don't have anyone else. Short story is there is a senior bloke at work that I've worked closely with for the last 3 years (not my boss). He seemed to be one of those too good to be true types, everyone likes him, natural leader without being overbearing, supportive of his team, amazing dry sense of humour had me in stitches, and he did all this without seeming to try that hard (is a workaholic tho). Long-time marriage and 2 DCs in early 20s (I think he's mid-50s). I'm 41 and divorced 5 years ago, one DC is 12. Separation reasonably amicable, just didn't work in the end and we rub along now. I've dated on and off but it's depressing. I admit I had a massive crush on this guy when we started working together but circumstances meant nothing happened obviously and he was always just professional, but I fell pretty hard. Managed to shake it in the end, but it's never completely gone away.

Then his wife passed away in March, right before COVID. Short illness and no treatment apparently. I didn't see that much of him right after because of lockdown but from what I heard from others he was devastated. Then for the last couple of months I've seen him again at work and he's subdued but doing the stiff upper lip thing but I sometimes see him staring out of the window looking sad and my heart melts. Then we had lunch at work a few weeks ago that was supposed to be a quick sandwich on business but we ended up over 2 hours. He talked about his wife and some of how he felt, but he's still pretty guarded. I just listened for the most part. He seems fatalistic about what's happened but obviously massive impact. Anyway that two hours triggered the feelings I had 3 years ago in a way I've never experienced before, to the point of not sleeping, losing appetite, like I'm 15 again blah blah. He's never given any indication of being interested in me as anything other than a friend and work colleague, but before his loss we had so much chemistry when we were talking and the occasional little flirt from both of us. I always found him physically very attractive and he has a weird physical issue (it's a bit identifying so I won't say more) that everyone can see that he acts as if is not even there. The way he just gets on with things despite this is another part of the attraction, I suppose it's the confidence. I know I'm gushing but I don't have anyone else to say this to.

Now I don't know what to do. I want to respect what happened to his wife, but truth is he's the first potential partner since my divorce I can even imagine being with. Here's the thing though, I know there are others who think the same and fact is he's also loaded financially from career success. I'm fortunate myself so that's not a factor, but that plus his other attributes mean I can't get out of my head that he's going to be targeted and I'll suddenly find out he's with someone else. The thought of that happening is making me feel physically sick. Literally. I've even been hoping for tighter lockdown in the hope it will stop anything else happening. So looking for some views on whether it's too soon to try to nudge things along ever so subtly, and even how to do it. I don't want to look like a vulture but my thoughts are driving me nuts. Which is why I'm posting this in the middle of the night :( sorry for the rambling. I just needed to share really.

[Boysarebackintown]

‘has a weird physical issue‘

Do you mean he has a disability OP?

What a judgemental way of describing it if he has.

[movingonup20]

Be friends, sounds like he needs one, if it's meant to be more it will happen. Everyone is different but around a year is considered "acceptable" from my experience in bereavement counselling

[ancientgran]

I know a couple who got together 6 maths after his wife died. His children (adult) never forgave him for it and now they don't speak at all. They're happily married, and have been for ten years, but have lost contact will all of their respective children because of how it was done. Sad to watch. You may need to consider the happiness of others before deciding to pursue this I always think it is sad that adult children don't just want their parent to be happy. My mother married within 12 months of my father's death. I didn't like him but she was very unhappy for months, met him and was happier, they had a whirlwind romance and married quickly. I didn't want her to be lonely and unhappy.

[ZoeTurtle]

Of course you shouldn't do anything. Firstly because it sounds like a crush, and seconly because you should let HIM take the lead. If he's interested and thinks he's ready for another relationship, you'll know.

[ravenmum]

I think my SIL felt as if her dad moving on so soon just showed he couldn't give a shit about her mum. She's not really got over that.
So it depends in part on what the children might already have felt about their parents' relationship before the death.

[BreatheAndFocus]

Far too soon! Your crush is messing with your judgement IMO. He probably talked to you for 2hrs because he wanted to get things off his chest not because it was you especially.

In general, ‘too soon’ is within the first two years or so IMO.

[windturbines]

This is grim.

Unless you want to be known in work as the woman who hit on a grieving man, months after his beloved wife's death, just no.

You are in way too deep. So many red flags and you sound almost deranged by saying you want him to be locked away so no one can get him?

Instead on focusing on how to get him, focus on how to stop being obsessed.

[Valkadin]

Widowed men replace a wife quickly often. The cynic in me thinks they want another cook and bottle washer. My friends Father was dating within three months of his wife’s sudden and unexpected death.

Personally as much as we don’t need to go back to Victorian standards of mourning and I think that looking for another love when widowed is fine I would check myself as to why I would be considering this as te none bereaved person. The widowed person does not have time to grieve really. My sister was widowed and ended up dating almost two years after her DH died. She grieved and suffered and then found herself again. The relationship she is in now is healthy, he was also widowed.

[Lardlizard]

I don’t think you can put a time limit on it
Men do tend to move on faster
Go for it say but in a gentle way

[MrMeeseekscando]

@BreatheAndFocus

Far too soon! Your crush is messing with your judgement IMO. He probably talked to you for 2hrs because he wanted to get things off his chest not because it was you especially.

In general, ‘too soon’ is within the first two years or so IMO.

2 years!?
You must mourn and wail and dress in black for 2 years!
The reality is very, very different.
People insinuating anything less is insulting to the memory of the deceased??
The bereaved are left to get on with it though. As soon as the funeral is over no one gives a shit. No one talks about it if they can help it. People avoid you.
It's lonely.
2 years lol.

[Hyperfish101]

Try and be a friend first? Then see where it leads.

[LizB62A]

he's the first potential partner since my divorce I can even imagine being with

Interesting choice of words.
He's your boss who lost his wife 7 months ago and while he's spent time with you, he was talking about the loss of his wife.
In my world, that puts him out of bounds for a while, until he indicates he's interested in you.
Is every man you meet a potential partner to you?

[frazzledasarock]

Surely if he is interested he will make a move, you've shown you're available.

What more are you wanting to do?

Also him being 'targeted', surely he will choose who he dates, if he chooses to date another woman that's his own choice, he may not see you that way.

What do you think you should be doing? You've had lunch with him and listened to him talk about his wife for two hours, what else do you think you should be doing? He may not be ready to move on, he may not be interested in you.

What do you think you should be doing?

You realise if things go wrong you will end up in a very uncomfortable situation as this is also where you work.

[DryingMyHair]

You make him sound like a piece of meat being circled by vultures.

[WitsEnding]

It’s not up to you to do anything. I was hit on very soon after being widowed and ended up having an affair (both single) which I now deeply regret.

Chances are he just wanted to talk about his wife and his love for her and wanted a bit of sympathy. It’s unlikely he’s unaware that you fancy him, let him take things at his own pace.

[DontBlameMe79]

He's not disabled in the traditional sense at all, just had his own medical issue some time ago and the aftermath is still evident. The way he came through it is just one of the reasons there's so much admiration, not just from me.

He's not my boss, we just work together and he is more senior. And I do understand the comments about appearing grabby and the potential for how it would look if something did develop. I'm not sure why but I'm less worried about the reaction if I tried and got rejected, I think I could deal with that, including any work fallout. Maybe I'm minimising, but it's how I feel now.

I do know him reasonably well after 5 years of course. I met his wife a few times, she was lovely. His 2 DCs already moved out and away so he is now on his own, although they seem to have a strong relationship.

The reason for me posting was the fact that I do have this dilemma between respect for his situation and fear of never knowing/missing out if something could have happened if he ends up with someone else. If I could just take things super slow I'd be fine with that. But the fear is eating into me. I also understand I sound a bit nuts :(

[Chickychickydodah]

No! Be his friend and support first. If you move too soon you will probably be a sympathy shag and he will lose respect for you. If you’re his friend and support you will have his respect first then maybe something else Will develop later.

[ancientgran]

I think my SIL felt as if her dad moving on so soon just showed he couldn't give a shit about her mum. She's not really got over that. It is all about perspective isn't it. The way I looked at it was my parents had a very happy marriage and my mother missed that so tried to recreate it. I felt that if my parents marriage had been unhappy she'd have been more wary about rushing in to it. I just wanted her to be happy.

[Suzi888]

If you feel like you can deal with the fall out (including the inevitable gossip) then you have nothing to lose. I’d definitely try the friend route first though! Good luck OP hope things work out for you.

[SynchroSwimmer]

Be a really good friend to him as others have suggested well above.
Just be there, just listen, be supportive, be a confidant?
Don’t make a move is what I would say.

From experience I would say the first year will be very difficult for him, and the immediate run up to the first anniversary will be a particularly hard time, as well as birthdays and anniversaries.

Then see what happens - slowly, is what I would suggest

[TiggerDatter]

You don’t sound nuts to me at all OP. It’s a genuine dilemma. But so long as you go in with your eyes open to all the potential consequences, I do think you should take some sort of action. Life is short and the chance of happiness is often fleeting.

[BertiesLanding]

I'm astounded that so many people are encouraging a relationship with a man who has shown no reciprocal (i.e. "infatuated", "chemistry") interest in you whatsoever.

He is still very much a fantasy. You are really not seeing him for who he is.

[DontBlameMe79]

I know I don't know for sure if he would be interested. But my sense is he would. As I said, it's hard to explain. And all I really want to do is find out. If he isn't, fair enough, at least I know. But if he is, I have in my head that my life could change. If I could wait a year to find out I would. The fear is he's not going to be around for a year.

[workhomesleeprepeat]

I have to say OP, I was quite shocked by your post! I know you are attracted to him, but 7months is no time at all. I would say be a friend to him, if something is supposed to happen, it will.

When my aunt died I was very happy to hear that my uncle was dating again - it was probably a bit more than a year after she died - maybe like 14-16 months? But at 7 months he was just so wrapped up in grief, going misty eyed in private and just missing her so much. I could see there were a couple of women at work who seemed to be ‘stopping by’ quite a bit and offering help, and in hindsight I think they must have been interested in him! But he wouldn’t have noticed if it hit him in the head-he ended up dating a woman who had been widowed.

So maybe just be there for him for now. As above if it’s supposed to happen it will

[AcceptanceIsBliss]

I don't think 7months is too soon for some people. I don't judge either.

However, the signs are all over your post that this man is still very much grieving his wife and therefore is absolutely not someone you want to pursue right now. I'm not even sure he is attracted to you at all from what you've said.

Be a friend to him. Keep your feelings to yourself. If things are meant to progress then they will but it needs time.