Too Soon After Wife Passed Away?

[DontBlameMe79]

First time poster, need to share and don't have anyone else. Short story is there is a senior bloke at work that I've worked closely with for the last 3 years (not my boss). He seemed to be one of those too good to be true types, everyone likes him, natural leader without being overbearing, supportive of his team, amazing dry sense of humour had me in stitches, and he did all this without seeming to try that hard (is a workaholic tho). Long-time marriage and 2 DCs in early 20s (I think he's mid-50s). I'm 41 and divorced 5 years ago, one DC is 12. Separation reasonably amicable, just didn't work in the end and we rub along now. I've dated on and off but it's depressing. I admit I had a massive crush on this guy when we started working together but circumstances meant nothing happened obviously and he was always just professional, but I fell pretty hard. Managed to shake it in the end, but it's never completely gone away.

Then his wife passed away in March, right before COVID. Short illness and no treatment apparently. I didn't see that much of him right after because of lockdown but from what I heard from others he was devastated. Then for the last couple of months I've seen him again at work and he's subdued but doing the stiff upper lip thing but I sometimes see him staring out of the window looking sad and my heart melts. Then we had lunch at work a few weeks ago that was supposed to be a quick sandwich on business but we ended up over 2 hours. He talked about his wife and some of how he felt, but he's still pretty guarded. I just listened for the most part. He seems fatalistic about what's happened but obviously massive impact. Anyway that two hours triggered the feelings I had 3 years ago in a way I've never experienced before, to the point of not sleeping, losing appetite, like I'm 15 again blah blah. He's never given any indication of being interested in me as anything other than a friend and work colleague, but before his loss we had so much chemistry when we were talking and the occasional little flirt from both of us. I always found him physically very attractive and he has a weird physical issue (it's a bit identifying so I won't say more) that everyone can see that he acts as if is not even there. The way he just gets on with things despite this is another part of the attraction, I suppose it's the confidence. I know I'm gushing but I don't have anyone else to say this to.

Now I don't know what to do. I want to respect what happened to his wife, but truth is he's the first potential partner since my divorce I can even imagine being with. Here's the thing though, I know there are others who think the same and fact is he's also loaded financially from career success. I'm fortunate myself so that's not a factor, but that plus his other attributes mean I can't get out of my head that he's going to be targeted and I'll suddenly find out he's with someone else. The thought of that happening is making me feel physically sick. Literally. I've even been hoping for tighter lockdown in the hope it will stop anything else happening. So looking for some views on whether it's too soon to try to nudge things along ever so subtly, and even how to do it. I don't want to look like a vulture but my thoughts are driving me nuts. Which is why I'm posting this in the middle of the night :( sorry for the rambling. I just needed to share really.

My friend was in her 20s when she lost her mum to a horrible illness. Her mum and dad had been happy together for 30 years and he was devastated. He moved on very quickly and was living with a new partner within the year. My friend and her sister were happy for them - they were worried about their dad being lonely whilst they attempted to get on with their lives.

Everyone handles grief differently, and I don’t think getting another partner means you loved the deceased one any less.

However you ought to be careful that you don’t railroad him into something he is not ready for just because you are worried that someone else might ‘steal’ him. That’s just a recipe for disaster. Be his friend with good intentions and don’t expect too much from him.

No, go for it.
He will make it clear if he feels too soon.
Met and married my husband 18 months after his partners death.
Good luck!

The only person who knows if it’s too soon or not is him, people all grove in different ways.

I am liable to get a bashing for this but I have been married to my wife now for just over two years. We got engaged and moved in together six months after we met, and married 12 months avenged that, so have been together just over three and a half years.

We met online so the situation was different as we were both actively looking for a relationship and when we first met neither knew a huge amount about the other.

The first time we met the “lunch date” ended up lasting nearly 36 hour, we then met three more times in that first week.

I fell deeply in love about three hours into date one, I can actually pinpoint the moment it hit me as I watched her walk back to our table from the bar with a drink in each hand. We just connected, and the rest is history.

Now, where this becomes slightly relevant is that it wasn’t until date 3 that she told me the circumstances surrounding her husband. I knew she was previously married but had assumed from what she had said she was divorced. Turns out she was a widow.

That’s no big deal, but the day we first met was less than four weeks after the funeral, and six weeks since he had died.

It knocked me for six and I had all the obvious thoughts. It’s too soon, she is on the rebound etc etc.

Her attitude to his passing is that she is young and that she will always love him, and I get that as he and she never fell out of love or separated, he was just cruelly taken from her. As a result she feels no guilt in moving on and believes that is what he would have wanted her to do -to continue to live her life to its fullest.

It’s difficult being with a widow/widower as there is really always a third person in the relationship. I am divorced and it was horrific so we each have ex’s, but the reasons why and the way we talk about them is very different. Mine is still alive and I can’t stand the woman and talk about her with bitterness and regret. Hers is gone but she is still in love with him.

Both sets of friends and family had obvious concerns. Hers that I was some sort of insensitive leach who was trying to take advantage of someone on a vulnerable position and mine that she was not mentally in the right place to be moving on and that I would ultimately get hurt again. So far we have proven them all wrong.

My family now love her dearly. Some of hers are still resistant and in the case of her adult step children they ceased all contact with her over it.

So, a long ramble but the point is there is no right or wrong answer but it totally has to be driven by the person who has suffered the loss people all handle the grief differently and it’s no ones place to judge. People will though, and if you decide to move forward expect a LOT of judgment and negativity as the new partner. In my experience people thing less of you than they do of the bereaved party.

Tbh you sound like a nutter. Not so much for the fact his wife died 6 months ago, many people have different philosophies and experiences and there is no right or wrong with that one, but with the whole wishing he was locked away so someone doesn't snap him up crap. Weird, just weird. And disturbing.

It’s too soon. Be his friend and see what happens. If he likes you, it will happen in time.

Your attitude to him is grotesque. The man has given you no indication he’s over his grief or that he’s interested in you. Leave him alone.

Oh give over, it’s not grotesque, she’s just head over heels. Have you never fell so hard for someone?

The amount of time since his wife died is only one issue
You work together. What impact will it have on your work life if you have a relationship that doesn’t work out. Its usually the lower earner who gets shafted and that seems to be you
He’s shown no interest in you. How awkward will it be if you make a move and he rejects you.

You have a child and need to take their needs into account

I’d leave it up to him and if he does show interest, proceed with extreme caution.

fallen

The grieving process is usually expected to be at least 1-2 years (and that's a healthy situation), if you're talking about a long marriage and sudden death at the beginning of lockdown, when resources and support for a lot of people just disappeared then realistically he is a long way from being ready to be in a relationship. It's less than eight months. It's ridiculously early, and if he does want a relationship, it should be him initiating it. It sounds like he has a lot going for him, when he's ready he will probably find someone. You need to be this man's friend, and right now you are only thinking of yourself.

I do wonder how some posters think people actually get together, if they think there is some strict protocol or checklist they have to comply with.

OP - I'd just concentrate on being his friend just now and see where it goes from there.

Sorry, just no.

He’s offloading his grief on you as a friend. He hasn’t given any indication he’s interested or ready for a relationship.

This may be embarrassing for you both and end a friendship. Let him make the move if or when he wants to.

@Benjispruce2

Oh give over, it’s not grotesque, she’s just head over heels. Have you never fell so hard for someone?

I’ve fallen hard for people, yes of course.

I haven’t had a teenage crush (not eating/sleeping etc) since I was a teenager though.

And I’ve never found myself attracted to the look of someone who was obviously sad and upset (the heart melting at him staring into the distance, clearly sad and preoccupied comment)

Not have I ever listened to someone talk about their recently deceased wife for 2 hours and decided to try ‘nudge things along’ after that, in a vulture-like fashion.

And I’ve certainly never wanted to get in there first even if the person themselves isn’t ready, on the basis that they’re likely to be a target for other equally opportunistic people and I don’t want to miss out. This is a grieving man we’re talking about, not a limited edition special offer at the supermarket.

I started dating my DH five months after his wife's death. We married within two years of that and will be celebrating our silver wedding anniversary next year. Everyone has a different time-frame for grief. A friend married his second wife within six months of the death of the first. I would say a good first marriage gives people the resilience to try it again.

People who lose a spouse after a long, happy and successful relationship often meet someone else very fast. They are used to a good life with a partner and look to recreate that quickly.

I wouldn’t hold back just because it’s only been 6 months but I would let him take the lead. He’s the one who muddy indicate when he’s ready.

I do think with some long term illnesses it's different because one partner has often been in a caring role for a substantial time rather than in a romantic relationship. There may have been no physical intimacy for months or years. I certainly wouldn't judge anyone.

In this case I am assuming his otherwise well wife suffered a short but fatal illness. That's very hard for him to process and his grief and how he deals with it is personal to him. From your description it sounds as though you always had a thing but never thought it would happen because he had a wife. You're ready to go for it now she's not around but he may not even given it a moment's thought. If you push things now you run the risk of him being horrified and it ruining your friendship for ever. You may be seen (rightly or wrongly) as a predator pouncing on the unexpectedly available widower no matter how much you will say you've admired him for years.

If you're genuinely after advice then there's lots of sensible stuff on here. Be a friend. Put all notions of anything more out of your head. Allow him to grieve.

I think you'd be a very brave girl to take this on and you'll live to regret it

Feminmidyer is correct to a point, if a man is going to look for a new partner he will do so within 18 months of losing his spouse. If not within 3 years it grows more and more unlikely - thats just stats though. You can still have a long, happy successful relationship and lose your spouse and not want to recreate that with another

I will add that after a good friend's mum died her father confided in her, quite soon after, that he couldn't see himself alone. That he wasn't a 'man's man' and knew he would miss hearing a woman around the house going about her day. He did get together with someone not long after and they were together until he died some years after.

However the new partner was a bad choice for the family in that she had been on the sidelines for years (former secretary) and they felt that she had seized an opportunity. They all made it work and she was included in things but there was always a sense that she had muscled in when he was at a very vulnerable moment in his life.

I think the only person who knows if it’s too soon his him. It’s not like your proposing marriage - you could suggest a drink to test the water.

I sometimes see him staring out of the window looking sad and my heart melts
In your position OP I would be worried that these strong romantic feelings could be a sign of rescuer syndrome.

I would send him a Valentines card on February the 14th with a non romantic poem or limerick that made it clear it was from me.

I agree though men often don't hang around before they find another partner so I understand how you are feeling OP.

Maybe a tiny funny/ironic Christmas present ?

Bear in mind that he was already flirtaceous before his DW died though.

My neighbour lost his wife in April. I heard on the grapevine he had started a relationship with another single neighbour. I was shocked as on the surface they are a most unlikely couple. I bumped into him and he actually said he does not know how it happened but it’s much too soon. He was lonely so maybe he just wanted company. Just be a friend to your work colleague and see if anything develops from there.

People saying, "Go for it!" like it's the chance of a lifetime. Slow down.
He doens't even give you any indication of having feelings for you. I very much doubt he's given you ANY thought, OP. I am so sorry to sound harsh. But why would he??? He's been married and now his wife has died unexpectedly. Why would he even consider anyone at this point? This death would be a huge shock for him. It sounds like it came out of nowhere and he's going to need time to process and heal alongside his children. They are going through a collective grief. Allow it.
Dial it back and just see how he emerges from his process over the next few months. This isn't about you. Temper that ego, OP. And you're not in love. You want to jump his bones and grab him before someone else does, get your hands on that lifestyle! You sound a little bit silly. You are not his solution here and you need to let him be. Let him come to terms with a terrible loss. Let him be there for his children and carry them through this very sad time. Respect where he's at. Only time will tell if there's something for you both at the other side of all this. Don't get weird about it.

My mum passed away a few months ago. If my dad wanted to find someone else, I would completely support him.
Life’s too short. I think though that I would probably take it slowly and perhaps take your lead from him?
My husbands uncle lost his wife a few years ago. He found someone within a year/18 months. The rest of the family weren’t happy about it but at the end of the day, nothings going to bring his wife back and I can’t imagine how lonely he felt after she died.