Too Soon After Wife Passed Away?

[DontBlameMe79]

First time poster, need to share and don't have anyone else. Short story is there is a senior bloke at work that I've worked closely with for the last 3 years (not my boss). He seemed to be one of those too good to be true types, everyone likes him, natural leader without being overbearing, supportive of his team, amazing dry sense of humour had me in stitches, and he did all this without seeming to try that hard (is a workaholic tho). Long-time marriage and 2 DCs in early 20s (I think he's mid-50s). I'm 41 and divorced 5 years ago, one DC is 12. Separation reasonably amicable, just didn't work in the end and we rub along now. I've dated on and off but it's depressing. I admit I had a massive crush on this guy when we started working together but circumstances meant nothing happened obviously and he was always just professional, but I fell pretty hard. Managed to shake it in the end, but it's never completely gone away.

Then his wife passed away in March, right before COVID. Short illness and no treatment apparently. I didn't see that much of him right after because of lockdown but from what I heard from others he was devastated. Then for the last couple of months I've seen him again at work and he's subdued but doing the stiff upper lip thing but I sometimes see him staring out of the window looking sad and my heart melts. Then we had lunch at work a few weeks ago that was supposed to be a quick sandwich on business but we ended up over 2 hours. He talked about his wife and some of how he felt, but he's still pretty guarded. I just listened for the most part. He seems fatalistic about what's happened but obviously massive impact. Anyway that two hours triggered the feelings I had 3 years ago in a way I've never experienced before, to the point of not sleeping, losing appetite, like I'm 15 again blah blah. He's never given any indication of being interested in me as anything other than a friend and work colleague, but before his loss we had so much chemistry when we were talking and the occasional little flirt from both of us. I always found him physically very attractive and he has a weird physical issue (it's a bit identifying so I won't say more) that everyone can see that he acts as if is not even there. The way he just gets on with things despite this is another part of the attraction, I suppose it's the confidence. I know I'm gushing but I don't have anyone else to say this to.

Now I don't know what to do. I want to respect what happened to his wife, but truth is he's the first potential partner since my divorce I can even imagine being with. Here's the thing though, I know there are others who think the same and fact is he's also loaded financially from career success. I'm fortunate myself so that's not a factor, but that plus his other attributes mean I can't get out of my head that he's going to be targeted and I'll suddenly find out he's with someone else. The thought of that happening is making me feel physically sick. Literally. I've even been hoping for tighter lockdown in the hope it will stop anything else happening. So looking for some views on whether it's too soon to try to nudge things along ever so subtly, and even how to do it. I don't want to look like a vulture but my thoughts are driving me nuts. Which is why I'm posting this in the middle of the night :( sorry for the rambling. I just needed to share really.

[icelollycraving]

I think men may like to move on quite quickly. He has given no indication of any feelings towards you other than a co worker.
The fact he’s a senior to you at work, this could end really badly.
You squashed down feelings before, you need to do it again. You sound quite predatory in your pursuit of a grieving man imho.

[Brown76]

Have you asked him if he feels he will ever date again? If he feels ready to consider a new relationship?

[AccountCreateUsername]

No

[mrsm43s]

I think you sound quite predatory, OP.

This is the most important part of your OP

He's never given any indication of being interested in me as anything other than a friend and work colleague

If he was interested in you, he would have let you know. But the reality is that for now, he is grieving and he doesn't appear interested in you at all romantically. He'll form a new relationship as and when he's ready (and it may well be sooner rather than later), but it will be with someone he is interested in romantically. You need to prepare yourself for this happening. Don't embarrass yourself over this and destroy your friendship and your professional relationship.

[AccountCreateUsername]

Bloody

[AccountCreateUsername]

Phone

[zafferana]

Nothing you've said indicates that he sees you as anything else than a work colleague. The 2-hour lunch that reawakened your infatuation consisted of him talking about his wife's death, about which he was guarded and bit of office banter and low level flirtation is absolutely normal IME and doesn't mean anything more than passing the time at work.

The fact that you're colleagues means that any clumsy attempts you make at flirting with this man could be horribly awkward and affect both of your working lives in the future. FGS OP grow up and see this for what it is - an infatuation. All your obsessing over this man is IN YOUR HEAD. That's also a pretty big age gap - 14 years or so? Along with the whole work situation that would put me off.

[EdwardCullensBiteOnTheSide]

I think the best thing here is be there for him as a friend, make it clear that you are there if he wants to talk about his wife or anything else. If there is any romance there it will grow in time and happen when he's ready.

[WhySoSensitive]

It’s not that he will have ‘moved on’ though, it’s not like he’s gonna go ‘ahhh I really like DontBlame so fuck my wifes memory’ ....

Go for it OP, suggest a drink or something relatively casual and feel it from there, he’s the only one who’s going to know when he can comfortable start something new.

[AlwaysLatte]

Just carry on being a supportive friend, and don't make the first obvious move other than perhaps offering to be there if he needs to talk - stress at any time, and give him your number, and perhaps suggest inviting him to something like a gallery or something similar that doesn't scream 'date' but does show that you're thinking of him and offering him companionship. I absolutely would let him make the first move though - just facilitate the opportunities!

[Friendsoftheearth]

Too soon, and better to support him as a friend. I would think at least a year - every season, birthday and christmas will be a first.

I would be wary too, of having your feelings hurt, he may be latching onto you for the wrong reasons (support, help and care) and not because he is/has fallen in love with you.

[ImMoana]

My worry would be if you made a play for him, he realised and wasn’t interested and then told people. Could you imagine how people at work would view you? Trying to start a romance with a recently widowed man, who you yourself say is a bit of a catch. Worst case scenario? They might see you as a gold digger preying on the vulnerable. You won’t shake that reputation off.

I’d give it at least a year or until he made a move.

[ittakes2]

It’s not that it’s too soon if he is ready - but sounds like he might not be ready. You could end up being his support to help him get over her death...build up his confidence so he can move on and then he might move on from you! I think continue to have lunch and see how things go - let him lead - don’t nudge him on.

[Inertia]

He's grieving. Give him and his family space to grieve and heal.

You can be a colleague who shows empathy and understanding without being predatory- he doesn't need additional hassle from romantic overtures right now. You can be someone who is there for him while still being suitably professional.

Bearing in mind that he's a senior leader, one would hope that he's developed some skills in terms of interacting with other people and spotting clues about their intentions and motives.

[nolovelost]

Way too soon, he's still grieving.

[HeddaGarbled]

You’re like the godmother in Fleabag - moving in on a grieving man while he’s vulnerable.

[MorrisZapp]

A close friend of mine is currently engaged to a man she got together with the week of his late wife's funeral. Friend was close friends with both of them. Loads of raised eyebrows and a bit of skulking about at the beginning, but they seem to be genuinely happy.

[Tanfastic]

Personally,I wouldn't, but that's just me, Id be worried he was still in the throws of the grieving process and looking for comfort where he can get it (in the event that his feelings for you are reciprocated which you don't know that they are).

I dunno, I've known men whose spouses have died and have met and got engaged within a year. I find that very hard to comprehend personally but each to their own.

[SunshineCake]

The only correct course of action, to me, is to be a friend and let him be the one to progress to a date if and when he feels ready.

[didthosefeetinancienttimes]

As a widow, I would agree that grief is certainly complicated and everyone deals with it differently. The saying also goes "men replace and women grieve" - although that may be too simplistic. Society judges bereaved women differently and that is certainly true.
Also, you think you are ready - but you are not, and I would argue that for the first year at least, part mad, and I certainly was - another relationship could be a distraction from the trauma - or it could be real and have the potential to be lasting. Difficult for both parties.
New relationships also have their effect on children, so that needs careful handling, but by him, if something happens. You should be in the background. Bereaved children need protection, reassurance and lots of spending time with their remaining parent, as they will have been tremendously destablised by losing one parent and probably won't be able to express that. They need to know they are being put first, by that being demonstrated regularly. That doesn't mean another relationship can't happen, but the children need to be centre stage.
I would also say, no-one has the right to judge re time frames, so comments of "too soon" from people who haven't been through this are not appropriate.
From the op's point of view, this is risky on several counts - awkwardness at work and the risk of being a rebound and getting hurt. It depends whether you can manage those risks.

[Toptotoeunicolour]

I personally think it's way too soon but there will be others out there who will pounce. Take a friendship very slow. Do not flirt, let him lead. Do not be a vulture, don't pounce.
My father was with someone else six months after my mother died, yes she was a vulture and his relationship with his adult children was never the same.

[Nandakanda]

Let it happen organically. The two hour chat was a good start. A window to up the ante is likely to open at some stage.

Yes he might get nicked by one of the "get in there" brigade, but at least you will have the consolation of having behaved with decorum and decency.

[Porridgeoat]

You need to go out as friends for a few months. A shared hobby. Long walks between pubs in the country side. really get to know him

[DontBlameMe79]

I just went to grab some sleep after spending all night writing my first post and being in 2 minds about whether I should post it. Came back to many replies and grateful that people have taken the time to think and respond, so I'm glad I did put it out there and thank the community so much.

And the range of views tells me very clearly that there is no right answer on timing or grief. On some of the comments made, I'm definitely infatuated. No question. Have been from when I met him really. It was only suppressed, can't pretend otherwise. When I meet him I still get butterflies. I remember when he touched me on the arm once (completely appropriately) is was like somebody had put an electric shock through me and I got tingles everywhere. Very teenager I know, but I just wanted him to do it again. What can I say. Whether it's reciprocated is a bit hard to say, but my senses tell me it could be. But he seems to be somebody with very strong boundaries and was of course married so nothing concrete. I don't know quite how to explain it, but from the way he looked at me and talked to me and so on it just felt like there was something there that he was suppressing because it would not be appropriate to take it any further.

I don't know how to deal with the timing issue and appearing, or actually being, predatory as many understandably have said. I think I'm a good person (but don't we all), don't need financial support, and I've always had a strong attraction for him, it's not something that happened after he became "available". But if anything developed it would look like that.

There is definitely a strong "fear of missing out on something that could be wonderful" or "not wanting to always be wondering" thing happening to me. If I knew he wasn't interested I think I could deal with it. It's the not knowing. Like I said, I've been in and out of the dating scene since my divorce so I know how he would compare. Basically like finding the holy grail. Of course he will have baggage around his loss, but from our conversation he seems in as good a place as I could imagine anyone could be. And I acknowledge that he could be very different in a personal relationship versus work. But I don't think so and would certainly take the chance to try and find out. I'm not suggesting he's actually going to start dating, only that I can't get out of my mind that he's going to have a big target on his back and in a vulnerable position (although I'm not completely sure how vulnerable he really is). Which makes me realise I'm thinking about being predatory to protect him from all the predators out there. FFS.

Of course I've already made the offer to chat and support at any time, and we chat pretty regularly, it's just the lunch was the first long discussion. All feedback is great, thanks.

[MotherOfUnicorns4]

Give him time to grieve and just be there for him. If its meant to be it will happen naturally.