Too Soon After Wife Passed Away?

[DontBlameMe79]

First time poster, need to share and don't have anyone else. Short story is there is a senior bloke at work that I've worked closely with for the last 3 years (not my boss). He seemed to be one of those too good to be true types, everyone likes him, natural leader without being overbearing, supportive of his team, amazing dry sense of humour had me in stitches, and he did all this without seeming to try that hard (is a workaholic tho). Long-time marriage and 2 DCs in early 20s (I think he's mid-50s). I'm 41 and divorced 5 years ago, one DC is 12. Separation reasonably amicable, just didn't work in the end and we rub along now. I've dated on and off but it's depressing. I admit I had a massive crush on this guy when we started working together but circumstances meant nothing happened obviously and he was always just professional, but I fell pretty hard. Managed to shake it in the end, but it's never completely gone away.

Then his wife passed away in March, right before COVID. Short illness and no treatment apparently. I didn't see that much of him right after because of lockdown but from what I heard from others he was devastated. Then for the last couple of months I've seen him again at work and he's subdued but doing the stiff upper lip thing but I sometimes see him staring out of the window looking sad and my heart melts. Then we had lunch at work a few weeks ago that was supposed to be a quick sandwich on business but we ended up over 2 hours. He talked about his wife and some of how he felt, but he's still pretty guarded. I just listened for the most part. He seems fatalistic about what's happened but obviously massive impact. Anyway that two hours triggered the feelings I had 3 years ago in a way I've never experienced before, to the point of not sleeping, losing appetite, like I'm 15 again blah blah. He's never given any indication of being interested in me as anything other than a friend and work colleague, but before his loss we had so much chemistry when we were talking and the occasional little flirt from both of us. I always found him physically very attractive and he has a weird physical issue (it's a bit identifying so I won't say more) that everyone can see that he acts as if is not even there. The way he just gets on with things despite this is another part of the attraction, I suppose it's the confidence. I know I'm gushing but I don't have anyone else to say this to.

Now I don't know what to do. I want to respect what happened to his wife, but truth is he's the first potential partner since my divorce I can even imagine being with. Here's the thing though, I know there are others who think the same and fact is he's also loaded financially from career success. I'm fortunate myself so that's not a factor, but that plus his other attributes mean I can't get out of my head that he's going to be targeted and I'll suddenly find out he's with someone else. The thought of that happening is making me feel physically sick. Literally. I've even been hoping for tighter lockdown in the hope it will stop anything else happening. So looking for some views on whether it's too soon to try to nudge things along ever so subtly, and even how to do it. I don't want to look like a vulture but my thoughts are driving me nuts. Which is why I'm posting this in the middle of the night :( sorry for the rambling. I just needed to share really.

I don’t think there is any time that is too soon or too long but I just don’t see any indication that he feels the same way from what you’ve said. It sounds like he’s just grieving his wife a lot and offloading to you. Sorry.

A family member of mine was "courting" (their words) 3 months after his wife of 58 years died. In less than 2 years they were married. It was hard for us as family as we were still grieving our loved one. They stayed married for 18 years until he died.

I do think a lot (not all) of men do not cope well alone. It seems men do get in a relationship quite quickly after a death compared to women.

@TheVanguardSix

People saying, "Go for it!" like it's the chance of a lifetime. Slow down. He doens't even give you any indication of having feelings for you. I very much doubt he's given you ANY thought, OP. I am so sorry to sound harsh. But why would he??? He's been married and now his wife has died unexpectedly. Why would he even consider anyone at this point? This death would be a huge shock for him. It sounds like it came out of nowhere and he's going to need time to process and heal alongside his children. They are going through a collective grief. Allow it. Dial it back and just see how he emerges from his process over the next few months. This isn't about you. Temper that ego, OP. And you're not in love. You want to jump his bones and grab him before someone else does, get your hands on that lifestyle! You sound a little bit silly. You are not his solution here and you need to let him be. Let him come to terms with a terrible loss. Let him be there for his children and carry them through this very sad time. Respect where he's at. Only time will tell if there's something for you both at the other side of all this. Don't get weird about it.

Who are you to say “Why would he even consider anyone at this point?”

Lots of people look for someone else to continue their lives and dreams with.

My wife lost her husband. He left the house one morning, was in an accident and a few hours later the first she knew was two PCs at the door.

Six weeks later we had met online and were dating. It’s not you place to say she was wrong in her own way of dealing with it.

I would send him a Valentines card on February the 14th with a non romantic poem or limerick that made it clear it was from me.
^
OMG whatever else you do DO NOT DO THIS!

I don't really know what the correct amount of time is but you're infatuated and he's grieving so neither of you will be thinking straight. Just take it slow and see what happens. You're worried that someone else will get in there first, but if he gets together with someone else then you two obviously weren't meant to be.

The thread title is wrong.

You’re not talking about it being too soon after his wife’s death, that would be if you had e,g. Met and were both pursuing something.

The thread title should actually read: “I had a crush on this bloke three years ago and now his wife has died would IBU to make my move?”

The two things are separate. Only the individual going through the grief can know how soon is too soon. But this isn’t about that, this is about you moving in on someone and wondering if it’s ok to do so now his wife is dead.

You sound awful and like one of those predatory types. Hideous.

Easy to judge others when you have little to no experience of losing a partner before their time. Unless this has happened to you then you really have no fucking idea what you’re talking about! There is no rule book on this one OP (despite some feeling it’s okay to dictate on something they know little about). I met my second husband five months after my first husband died very suddenly and unexpectedly 8 years ago, and we married last year. There is no rule book on this, and people use the expression ‘moved on’ like everything is black and white. It’s really not! I still grieve for my first husband and likely always will. I also love my second husband very much and likely (hopefully!) always will.
My advice OP would be to let him lead the situation and know that if something does become of this that he will still need to grieve for his wife. That doesn’t necessarily mean (although it might) that he’s not ready to have a romantic relationship with you or someone else.

@Willowwood45

Be his friend and see. Grief is complex. Grief in a pandemic is like a cruel joke. It complicates grief massively for those unlucky enough to have lost someone, covid or non covid, this year. Even if something happens, it will not be all lovely and exciting. It may be initially but chances are there is a very emotionally complex situation here. Be his friend and just wait. Maybe that friendship might lead to something and then the waiting and being a good friend could lead to a stronger foundation for a relationship. But he is grieving. His child is grieving and they have had to do it in the most horrific of circumstances. Tread very gently.

^^ this. You could perhaps suggest another lunch or a coffee? I don’t know it’s very soon. What you don’t want is to push and then make things extremely awkward. Can you easily get another job if things don’t work out/ he gets with someone else? You need an escape plan.

Keep in mind the ‘work’ version is probably nothing like the ‘outside of work’ version of this man. You don’t know him do you? not really.

I’d be careful as you seem very invested in this bloke and you are likely to get very hurt.

I do wonder how some posters think people actually get together, if they think there is some strict protocol or checklist they have to comply with.

I don't think people are implying that widows and widowers follow a protocol. But grief is a strange beast. And you can't measure it or the length of its process. My friend moved his girlfriend in 6 months after his wife's death and they married within the year. They're happily married, 6 years on. In his case, his lovely first wife had been very ill with ovarian cancer for 8 years. She lived longer than they'd anticipated which was much better than her initial prognosis. It was terribly traumatic for the children when she died, less so for the husband. I do wonder if he'd been grieving in the couple of years before her death, when the cancer was back and they knew what they were facing. In some ways, he was ready to remarry rather quickly because he had already been processing the loss of his wife. It all felt 'too soon', to be honest, and his daughters don't speak to him, but as a couple, they are happy. My son was his son's best friend and in my opinion, my friend handled his children's grief appallingly and the new wife had no time for their sadness. So, that's a case of it all not going quite accordingly. But I stand by the truth that their marriage IS still going strong, though the kids are not really a part of it, which makes me wonder if it was worth it.
My other friend married a man who'd lost his wife not long before they got together. They''d known each other for several years beforehand. And my friend was a friend of his wife's. Theirs was a very, very happy 2nd marriage and sadly, he died recently after 10 years with my friend. But that was an example of a 'quick' move-on that really worked out.

But this guy, the OP's, doesn't give a hint of being in the hook-up place and she needs to be guided by this fact. Just wait and see what happens down the road.

Am I the only one thinking of suitable limericks now?

It is more common than you would think for a widow to have a new relationship soon after their partner dies - there is a phenomenon called widows fire which essentially is the craving for human touch and intimacy, and generally the other person is a surrogate for the dead partner, although the widow doesn't see it like that and can form romantic attachment so it isn't just about sex. I haven't felt that myself, quite the opposite, as though that part of my life is over - that is the other extreme.

Most people sit somewhere between the two extremes and so it is possible he will be open to dating at some point. Whether that is with you or with someone else, I am not sure that any good could come if rushing the situation - if he has not yet approached you in a romantic way. If he spurns your advances because he is still grieving and not ready yet, it could make things awkward. If he turns you down because he is ready to date but not interested in dating you, it could also be awkward. I would give it more time. Grieving during lockdown is bloody difficult enough.

So the big issue here is that your infatuation seems to be one sided.

Who are you to say “Why would he even consider anyone at this point?”

Because he gives no hint of being interested in the OP! Your story is a happy one. But it's not this one. And in this case, he doesn't seem at all interested in being involved with anyone at this point.
I am not saying widows/widowers can't be interested in others. I am saying that this guy is NOT in the moving-on place right now.

As AlternativePerspective says, this is not about this man hesitantly starting a new relationship with OP, and whether that is socially acceptable. It's about OP wondering whether to make a move on a recent widow who has shown no signs of wanting a relationship with her.

My FIL started a new relationship 2 weeks after his wife died ("widow's fire", exactly), and it has ruined his relationship with his daughter, so I'd recommend caution, even though it is entirely understandable. But that's not what OP is asking about.

Too soon and imho really distasteful.

He's clearly not in a good place to be starting another relationship. You would be taking advantage massively. Then again, you wouldn't be the first. It's pretty common to snag someone like that when they're vulnerable. And it's pretty despicable too.

Acceptable length of time, well, my la Father rang me, 6 weeks after my DM died to say he something to tell me, and he didn't want me to her it from anyone else, obviously meaning other people knew already. I was so worried, thought he was going to tell me he was dying, (I am on aonly child, no other support) oh, no, he has a girlfriend

I don't believe in 'too soon' BUT in this instance, he doesn't seem like he's reaching out towards a relationship, he seems like he was talking to you as a friend.

Please don't chase him or put any pressure on him at this stage, take his lead if he asks you to go for lunch and just listen.

When you are grieving, weirdly it can make you feel like you just want to be close to someone else, be held, have someone else listen. It's a processing of grief. For me personally it would be a mistake to listen to that and think it was about the other person, but I wouldn't judge anyone who did.

@SerenityFlowers

He's clearly not in a good place to be starting another relationship. You would be taking advantage massively. Then again, you wouldn't be the first. It's pretty common to snag someone like that when they're vulnerable. And it's pretty despicable too.

Cool.

Do you apply that sweeping generalisation to everyone who falls for someone recently bereaved. What is the specific cut off date after a bereavement that applies in all cases where the new partner is no longer taking advantage and being despicable?

Thanks

I know of a lot of widowers who have moved on remarkably fast. And safe to assume there may be other women waiting to pounce. Nothing wrong with being there for him and letting a friendship develop if that's what's meant to happen.

The tricky thing is going to be managing your very big (maybe also amplified by lockdown?) emotions about him while you're doing it. I know I recommend counselling to everyone, but maybe a session or two to get some perspective/try to protect yourself a bit in case of disappointment.

From the OPs perspective, the timing is irrelevant. if he was ready then that is entirely up to him to decide if he wants to start dating again.

But to be honest OP, it doesn't sound like he is interested and just sees you as a supportive friend. If he were interested he'd probably be reaching out a lot more to you and building up the friendship. If you try to make a move without more of a foundation in place you could get seriously burned.

I'd leave it for now and see if anything else develops.

but I sometimes see him staring out of the window looking sad and my heart melts.

Grim.
Pounce whilst he is at his most vulnerable why don’t you?
You sound like a predator OP.

I think it’s fair to say that if someone is devastated over their loss, talks about their wife constantly and is guarded and sad it’s safe to say he is likely not in the right place for a new relationship. That’s not a judgement on him it’s an observation of the situation.

If he is in the right place for a new relationship then he will pursue one.

And this is why the thread title is wrong. People are judging others for thinking it’s too soon for this man to be in a new relationship when in fact that’s not what the OP is asking. She’s saying that she liked this man before and essentially, now that his wife is dead he’s free for her to pursue and would it be unreasonable of her to do so after only seven months.

That’s not the same as telling someone to go for it when they have been the bereaved one. Telling the OP to “go for it” is essentially telling her to put the move on the bloke she’s liked for a while now that his wife is dead.

It’s pretty vile actually,

If someone close to me moved on after a bereavement I would be supportive. if someone close to me was preyed on by some opportunist who saw their chance I wouldn’t give that person the time of day.

My DF and DB both moved on very quickly recently after my DM and DSIL died. In both cases they were most definitely pounced on. I struggled with this, it felt hurtful and disrespectful on the part of my relatives, like the individual woman hadn’t mattered, they had filled the roles and now two others were there to fill the vacancies. I divorced at the same time (it’s not been a great few years 😂) and I’ve taken way longer to move on than my XH. It’s all kind of put me off men TBH, they’re selfish and weak.

That’s my problem though (and my nieces’). You have feelings for this man, and the chances are fairly high that he could develop feelings for you. So pounce/gently pursue it. Just be prepared for the hurt and judgement that might ensue from others.

@Ihg27