Too Soon After Wife Passed Away?

[DontBlameMe79]

First time poster, need to share and don't have anyone else. Short story is there is a senior bloke at work that I've worked closely with for the last 3 years (not my boss). He seemed to be one of those too good to be true types, everyone likes him, natural leader without being overbearing, supportive of his team, amazing dry sense of humour had me in stitches, and he did all this without seeming to try that hard (is a workaholic tho). Long-time marriage and 2 DCs in early 20s (I think he's mid-50s). I'm 41 and divorced 5 years ago, one DC is 12. Separation reasonably amicable, just didn't work in the end and we rub along now. I've dated on and off but it's depressing. I admit I had a massive crush on this guy when we started working together but circumstances meant nothing happened obviously and he was always just professional, but I fell pretty hard. Managed to shake it in the end, but it's never completely gone away.

Then his wife passed away in March, right before COVID. Short illness and no treatment apparently. I didn't see that much of him right after because of lockdown but from what I heard from others he was devastated. Then for the last couple of months I've seen him again at work and he's subdued but doing the stiff upper lip thing but I sometimes see him staring out of the window looking sad and my heart melts. Then we had lunch at work a few weeks ago that was supposed to be a quick sandwich on business but we ended up over 2 hours. He talked about his wife and some of how he felt, but he's still pretty guarded. I just listened for the most part. He seems fatalistic about what's happened but obviously massive impact. Anyway that two hours triggered the feelings I had 3 years ago in a way I've never experienced before, to the point of not sleeping, losing appetite, like I'm 15 again blah blah. He's never given any indication of being interested in me as anything other than a friend and work colleague, but before his loss we had so much chemistry when we were talking and the occasional little flirt from both of us. I always found him physically very attractive and he has a weird physical issue (it's a bit identifying so I won't say more) that everyone can see that he acts as if is not even there. The way he just gets on with things despite this is another part of the attraction, I suppose it's the confidence. I know I'm gushing but I don't have anyone else to say this to.

Now I don't know what to do. I want to respect what happened to his wife, but truth is he's the first potential partner since my divorce I can even imagine being with. Here's the thing though, I know there are others who think the same and fact is he's also loaded financially from career success. I'm fortunate myself so that's not a factor, but that plus his other attributes mean I can't get out of my head that he's going to be targeted and I'll suddenly find out he's with someone else. The thought of that happening is making me feel physically sick. Literally. I've even been hoping for tighter lockdown in the hope it will stop anything else happening. So looking for some views on whether it's too soon to try to nudge things along ever so subtly, and even how to do it. I don't want to look like a vulture but my thoughts are driving me nuts. Which is why I'm posting this in the middle of the night :( sorry for the rambling. I just needed to share really.

@Blueberries0112
Yes I’ve always liked him for the three years I’ve known him. Big crush at the start. Teenage stuff. But of course nothing was appropriate back then, so he is probably not aware. Probably. although to be honest it’s always hard to know whether signals are given off and we did have a good deal of chemistry/banter type exchanges over the years and we worked a lot together. As an hours each day working in the same room.

One thing I would like to say though is that this thread has made me feel much better. Can’t quite say why. Maybe just problem shared etc

The deleted post was just spam.

And MN is always like this in my experience 😂 though a lot of it comes from the fact that it's so hard to judge the tone of comments - people see things that the writer did not intend etc.

If you don’t someone else might. He can only say no.

MN relationships board does seem to have a very strong view of the "right" way to have a relationship. Good at identifying abusive patterns in relationships. But when it comes to starting new relationships it can be a bit idealistic (you need to be single for ages after a break up, don't introduce your children unless you plan to move in, heady chemistry is not a sign of anything good and not to be trusted )
I'm glad posting has helped

@ravenmum
People inferring things that I didn’t intend is exactly what’s happened. No one’s fault, and I may not have been as clear as I could have been. It’s not really possible to respond to every comment and try and clarify, just looks very defensive.

@QuentinWinters
Good to see I’m hitting most of the hot buttons then.

I still ant get over you referring to the wife as baggage.

You have no interest in hearing anyone's view that differs from your own. I hope he sees right through you

*cant

Only he knows what the right time for him is, however, proceed with caution. If he gets into something too early, expect him to be very confused, occasionally break down emotionally, and end up breaking your heart. You might not be the next woman.

@baileys6904
I said he would have baggage around his loss. I didn’t say his wife was baggage as that would be outrageous. Sounds like this one is an example of inferring something that the poster didn’t mean.

@baileys6904
And I’m not sure what you want me to do about listening to others views as they have ranged from “go for it“ to “you’re a terrible human being for even thinking about it“ and everything in between. Which one do you suggest I listen to? Yours perhaps?

You make him sound like a desirable house going up for sale, get in there quick before it goes on the market.

Let this man choose when hes ready, he has his own free will.

If he likes you, he will let you know in his own time.
Give him that.

@DontBlameMe79 You may not have said his wife was 'baggage' but you did say he would 'have baggage' around her death. It comes over as semantics to me. It appears as if you are minimising his grief and calling it 'baggage' - because baggage is a negative term.

FWIW the people I know who have been bereaved- that's friends, family - who have lost spouses, parents, siblings- say they never 'get over it'- they just 'get used to it'.
In other words they learn to live with it , eventually.

Your tone in your posts- including your updates- comes across as a bit spiky and even light hearted. You don't appear to be thinking deeply about many of the comments people have made which explain why you should back off..

Yes, there are a variety of comments, but I'd guess it's 80:20 that you back off.

All your talk of 'chemistry' and 'a bit of a flirt' and your three year long crush.....you really think he does not already know that you are interested? Come on! He knows! If he was interested he would have done something about it.
He hasn't done anything. Therefore he is not interested.
Best advice? Drop it, or you will look like an insensitive fool.

@DontBlameMe79
As someone else said, semantics.

Your attitude towards him and his wife far out weights even the action of trying it on.

Like I say, I hope he sees right through you

I think the main issue here is he hasn't actually given any indication at all that he's interested in you - and you're panicking to the point of being sick he will meet someone? 😬 you sound completely infatuated op and not in a good way....

People use the word ‘baggage’ to refer to children, ex-wives, dead spouses all the time . What a thing to get outraged about.

@DontBlameMe79 it’s well known that men often marry pretty quickly after the death of a wife. I don’t think I’d necessarily encourage it, but only he knows whether he is ready or not. Be prepared for disappointment.

I say tread carefully.

I agree with softly softly. I certainly wouldnt go for it as it doesnt sound like he is seeking a new partner but someone to listen to him as he is grieving and his 2 hr lunch with you was a discussion about his wife. I think if you 'go for it' any chance could be blown for good as he could get quite upset and angry and you using his grief.

My DH has a terminal illness and part of an online support group and I was astounded at the number of grieving widows who have had men (friends usually of the dead husband) thinking the grieving widow is after a new man or they misread the cues. The widows were horrified and it changed there friendships for good. Not all men rush to new relationships, Not one of the men in my family who lost there wifes have gone onto a new relationship. So be careful

People use the word ‘baggage’ to refer to children, ex-wives, dead spouses all the time

Do they? @MustardMitt
You must know some strange people if they refer to dead spouses as baggage.

How vile.

Oh get a fucking grip of yourself. No one refers to someone’s face that their children or dead spouse is baggage. Plenty of people do when having a private conversation with an impartial friend or posting on an anonymous forum .

‘Vile’. The level of over reactive hyperbolic language is so irritating.

As OP mentioned, she didn't say his wife was baggage, but that he is bound to have a lot of emotional baggage surrounding her death.

The dictionary defines this type of baggage as
"the feelings you have about your past and the things that have happened to you, which often have a negative effect on your behaviour and attitudes"
Are people really saying that this man will NOT have emotional baggage around his wife's death? That her death will not have had any negative effects on him? That he carries no burden with him?

When I see people use the word "baggage" I think people are actually saying a burden.

His wife is never coming back, his children's kids will never see their mom again. It is not that simple. If he does get in a relationship with you too soon, more likely it's because he can't handle being alone especially raising children.

Some of the strange people who use the phrase:

"For some women, the discovery of my widowed status was clearly a deal breaker; the communication dried up, and I could understand why. ... I particularly grew tired of the phrase "no baggage, please" on dating profiles. Surely only sociopaths don't have emotional baggage?" Independent

"However, there's no doubt that everyone comes with his or her fair share of emotional baggage, the weight of which differs depending on the individual. Maybe they're new to the dating scene and are nervous; maybe they've just come off the back of a long-term relationship; maybe they're grieving for a loved one and are struggling to come to terms with their loss. For someone who has been recently widowed, there's a good chance that all three of the above scenarios are true." netdoctor uk

"When anyone starts a relationship, particularly later in life, it is not unusual for jealousy to surface. We all carry emotional baggage, whether or not bereavement is part of it. But Carole and Ian’s attitude proves it is possible to respect the past without comparing it with the present." Guardian