Too Soon After Wife Passed Away?

[DontBlameMe79]

First time poster, need to share and don't have anyone else. Short story is there is a senior bloke at work that I've worked closely with for the last 3 years (not my boss). He seemed to be one of those too good to be true types, everyone likes him, natural leader without being overbearing, supportive of his team, amazing dry sense of humour had me in stitches, and he did all this without seeming to try that hard (is a workaholic tho). Long-time marriage and 2 DCs in early 20s (I think he's mid-50s). I'm 41 and divorced 5 years ago, one DC is 12. Separation reasonably amicable, just didn't work in the end and we rub along now. I've dated on and off but it's depressing. I admit I had a massive crush on this guy when we started working together but circumstances meant nothing happened obviously and he was always just professional, but I fell pretty hard. Managed to shake it in the end, but it's never completely gone away.

Then his wife passed away in March, right before COVID. Short illness and no treatment apparently. I didn't see that much of him right after because of lockdown but from what I heard from others he was devastated. Then for the last couple of months I've seen him again at work and he's subdued but doing the stiff upper lip thing but I sometimes see him staring out of the window looking sad and my heart melts. Then we had lunch at work a few weeks ago that was supposed to be a quick sandwich on business but we ended up over 2 hours. He talked about his wife and some of how he felt, but he's still pretty guarded. I just listened for the most part. He seems fatalistic about what's happened but obviously massive impact. Anyway that two hours triggered the feelings I had 3 years ago in a way I've never experienced before, to the point of not sleeping, losing appetite, like I'm 15 again blah blah. He's never given any indication of being interested in me as anything other than a friend and work colleague, but before his loss we had so much chemistry when we were talking and the occasional little flirt from both of us. I always found him physically very attractive and he has a weird physical issue (it's a bit identifying so I won't say more) that everyone can see that he acts as if is not even there. The way he just gets on with things despite this is another part of the attraction, I suppose it's the confidence. I know I'm gushing but I don't have anyone else to say this to.

Now I don't know what to do. I want to respect what happened to his wife, but truth is he's the first potential partner since my divorce I can even imagine being with. Here's the thing though, I know there are others who think the same and fact is he's also loaded financially from career success. I'm fortunate myself so that's not a factor, but that plus his other attributes mean I can't get out of my head that he's going to be targeted and I'll suddenly find out he's with someone else. The thought of that happening is making me feel physically sick. Literally. I've even been hoping for tighter lockdown in the hope it will stop anything else happening. So looking for some views on whether it's too soon to try to nudge things along ever so subtly, and even how to do it. I don't want to look like a vulture but my thoughts are driving me nuts. Which is why I'm posting this in the middle of the night :( sorry for the rambling. I just needed to share really.

Ime if a man is interested he will ask you out.

This man is aware you’re single,& is comfortable enough to spend two hours on a lunch break with you speaking about is wife.

He’s clearly not shy or feels unable to speak to you. If he was interested he’d have made it known.

I wouldn’t make moves on him. I think you’ll also be very upset if he chooses to reject your advances and ends up with someone else.

The man is clearly not over his wife. He doesn’t need the added burden of women at work telling him they’re interested in him and then having to politely avoid them whilst working with them.

The man is clearly not over his wife.

Exactly.

Imagine if this was reversed in terms of gender.

A close friend of ours died 2 years ago and his widow is in her 50s. They had been together for 35 years and were incredibly happy. They had a full and busy life, travelling the world before he was ill.

She is only just able to face sorting through lots of his 'collections' of stuff and still cannot believe he is dead. I know that people move through the grieving process at different rates - but 7 months? Come on!

If, at work, some man had hit on her within 7 months of her loss, she'd have been horrified at the crassness and lack of empathy.

You say being predatory is not your intent, but it still sounds it. Why not just be his friend for now and let a longer time pass? If you are friendly as you say you are then you'll be in his life when he is ready.

This sounds like a crap Mills and Boon.

I'm afraid your whole tone does come across a bit distasteful

The long conversation you had appears, on his side, to have been all about his wife and his grief for her. He probably thought you were someone kind listening to him and might be a bit shocked that you have other ideas entirely. You don't say that he said or did anything to encourage you.

Some people do move on quickly but usually people who had time to prepare ie a long illness.

You can let him know of your interest if you like but be prepared for a negative reaction and some major awkwardness at work.

You having kids is a further complication. I lost my mum at a fairly young age when I was an adult. I would have been OK with dad having a new relationship but younger step siblings in his life would have been a bridge too far for me.

You having kids is a further complication. I lost my mum at a fairly young age when I was an adult. I would have been OK with dad having a new relationship but younger step siblings in his life would have been a bridge too far for me.

These sorts of comments always leave me a bit

Would you, as a young adult, seriously have put not wanting younger step siblings over your father’s happiness? Really?

@GondolaBing
How we would like to act isn't always how we end up acting.

I'm friends at work with a lovely compassionate woman in her early 20s who's father passed away recently (9months ago) Her mother has already moved a new man and his children into the family home. His behaviour is the very definition of cocklodger but the mother hasn't woken up to that yet. It was a very long illness so I think in her mind the wife has already detached emotionally. The daughter is beyond devastated and has made her displeasure very known. Its is a very uncomfortable living arrangement for them all by her accounts. There is a significant amount of money involved in that case and the daughter does not want the cocklodger to get his hands on it as she believes her mother to be desperate and vulnerable. Cocklodger keeps talking about a new life in Spain together.

Its is a very uncomfortable living arrangement for them all by her accounts.

Frankly it’s her mother’s home. Your friend may not like it but a woman in her 20s doesn’t have the right to dictate who her mother chooses to share her home with. If it is so uncomfortable then she ought to fly the nest and allow her mother space to live her own life.

If, at work, some man had hit on her within 7 months of her loss, she'd have been horrified at the crassness and lack of empathy.
Imagine if OP really took the above advice and offloaded her feelings onto this bloke as she "just wanted to get it off her chest" ... the guy's life partner has gone far too soon, he's just about getting through life, saying goodbye to the future he thought he had wih her. Things seem raw and bleak, but there are a few moments of human kindness, such as the woman who listens to him for an hour or two while he opens up a little about his grief - knees trembling that he might lose it at work. It seems that people might have a little understanding about what he's dealing with.

Then the next thing he knows, she's just got to tell him that she fancies him - she couldn't keep quiet about it because that would really be too much for her. But she doesn't expect him to reciprocate, because, you know, his wife and all that.
He realises it wasn't human kindness, after all, and people have no clue what he's dealing with.

Imagine if OP really took the above advice and offloaded her feelings onto this bloke as she "just wanted to get it off her chest" ... the guy's life partner has gone far too soon, he's just about getting through life, saying goodbye to the future he thought he had wih her. Things seem raw and bleak, but there are a few moments of human kindness, such as the woman who listens to him for an hour or two while he opens up a little about his grief - knees trembling that he might lose it at work. It seems that people might have a little understanding about what he's dealing with.

Then the next thing he knows, she's just got to tell him that she fancies him - she couldn't keep quiet about it because that would really be too much for her. But she doesn't expect him to reciprocate, because, you know, his wife and all that.
He realises it wasn't human kindness, after all, and people have no clue what he's dealing with

Well yes. Or imagine if he's really lonely, and his wife had told him before she died that she knew he was happier in relationships and she hoped he found someone else. And he knows this lovely woman at work, but she probably won't be interested in him anyway because hes older and has this physical problem. He can talk about his wife, but thats probably put her off.
He realises that he's being really inappropriate in his feelings and is even more overwhelmed by loneliness.

See. I can write speculative bollocks too.

I really don't understand why so many posters have clutched their pearls so hard at the thought of a single adult telling another single adult they fancy them. He's a grown up. I'm sure he's more than capable of telling her if he's not interested.

If i died I wouldn't mind if my partner met someone else quickly. I'm not there and it says nothing about our relationship.

If he died I certainly wouldn't feel there was a period of mourning to be observed. Who knows when I'd feel up to dating but it would bother me if people didn't ask me out because they had decided on my behalf it was "too soon". I can say that for myself thanks.

Disgraceful. Have some respect and let him mourn.

@GondolaBing

Its is a very uncomfortable living arrangement for them all by her accounts.

Frankly it’s her mother’s home. Your friend may not like it but a woman in her 20s doesn’t have the right to dictate who her mother chooses to share her home with. If it is so uncomfortable then she ought to fly the nest and allow her mother space to live her own life.

Why should she fly the home when 50% of it was left to her in the will?

He's still grieving his wife. Her sudden death didn't allow time for him to come to terms with it as a long illness May have done. If you say anything now it may be the biggest turn off for him in the world, and you will lose any opportunity for a future with him. Imagine you grieving for the love of your life and a work colleague says, can we have a relationship now your wife is out of the way?

All you can do is be the best friend in the world. Listen to his grief. Be there for him. If he reaches a point where he needs a romantic partner he may see you, but you may not be what he wants, so you might as well accept that. If he goes looking for romance and finds someone else, that's what he wants and you sadly, are not.

Don't waste sleepless nights in an infatuation

@QuentinWinters I'm not sure you understood my point. OP was advised to tell him she "just wanted to get it off your chest otherwise it was going to eat you up". As if she is the one who has something on her chest, eating her up, and just has to unburden herself of, as keeping quiet is so hard ... do you see how distasteful it would be for her to say something along those lines?

Sure, we're all speculating - but the consequences are quite different. In my scenario, he could feel really hurt and disappointed by something that OP said or did. OP presumably doesn't want to make this bloke she works with feel terrible. In your scenario, if she says nothing, that doesn't involve her making him feel like shit, and her feeling awful about it every time she remembers his reaction.

@QuentinWinters maybe you are basing your posts on your own experience of moving on from your marriage into another relationship, pretty fast?

You appear to show no understanding of grief at all.

IMO if someone 'gets over' a bereavement in 7 months and is ready for another partner, it doesn't say that much about their marriage.
There are people who jump into new relationships fast, but maybe that's because they were in unhappy marriages in the first place. Or maybe they are so needy they can't bear to be on their own / single and clutch at the first person who comes along.

Have you read the first post where the OP says she feel physically sick at the idea of this man being snapped up by someone? She's obsessed and sees him as a way out of her loneliness with no apparent respect for his feelings now.

I'd also like to dispute the idea that grief resulting from a short term illness is worse than if it was a long illness. Our friend who died from brain cancer was ill for over two years. It didn't make it less painful for his widow than if he'd dropped dead suddenly or had fallen under a bus.

IMO if someone 'gets over' a bereavement in 7 months and is ready for another partner, it doesn't say that much about their marriage.
There are people who jump into new relationships fast, but maybe that's because they were in unhappy marriages in the first place. Or maybe they are so needy they can't bear to be on their own / single and clutch at the first person who comes along

Wow...
Thanks for reducing my relationship with my dead partner as obviously a bit shit.
Or me as a bit pathetic.
Seriously, walk a mile in someone's shoes

@MrMeeseekscando I am sorry for your loss and assume you have now found happiness with someone else.

That's good that you have been able to move on quickly. (I've not seen your other posts so have no idea of your circs, by the way.)

IME of friends and family, it's taken them much longer- at least a year and often more before they had gone through the 7 stages of grieving.

Obviously, it was a general observation and I am sorry if it doesn't fit with your experience.

It's all subjective isn't it, how quickly one moves on after loss.

My observation of OP's situation is this particular man does not appear ready to move on or welcome overtures.

@JinglingHellsBells have you been bereaved as a partner? It is all so personal. In my opinion being bereaved after a long illness is totally different to a sudden death. The process of knowing what is coming is there, there’s a mental preparation, the relationship changes from a marriage and partnership to that of carers. You know that your dreams and future are gone. The shock is at the diagnosis not at the death. Being ready for another relationship after 7 months says NOTHING about what a marriage meant, nothing. It’s possible to be in a new relationship and still be mourning a partner and that’s because the mourning doesn’t end, a new life grows round it.

I agree, blending families, moving in etc may seem to soon but who can judge that?

There is no timescale on when to date again, none. For some people the death of a partner is a release, a chance to regain some “normality”

Contrary to what most people on this thread seem to think, grieving a partners isn’t necessarily about constantly feeling awful, not being able to face the future and wailing and crying all day long. For some people it’s coming to terms with a different life, to restart and to live your best life, missing your partner but actually maybe not feeling desperately sad all the time, just relieved, resigned and honouring their memory by cracking on.

I saw a great description of moving on from close bereavement. Comparing it to a second child. You love your first child so much, it's all encompassing, you can't possibly imagine loving another child like that, then the second child comes, does it affect how much you love the first? Of course it doesn't. Your love grows to cover both in different ways, but just as intense.
It's a simplified way to look at it, but that's how most people move on from the death of a partner.
I love my late partner so much, but I learnt to live with the loss and luckily have met someone wonderful.

@DontBlameMe79
IMO your approach is crass and self-centred. I think if you pursue this man in this manner you will totally blow it now and for the future.

Be a genuine friend, support him if he needs it, but don't have an ulterior motive. Take his lead and build up a friendship and you never know, but the way you're coming across I am doubtful any of the above would even occur to you as you sound very head-strong.

I skipped some posts but did you like this guy before his wife passed away?

I hate to say it but you have to determine if you like him because he is in a vulnerable position. I hate it there are so many romance movies about men (or women) who lost their spouse. As if there an obsession to grieving spouses.

I have now worked out how I can reply to individual people without putting an entire quote in, which is progress of a kind. I’m not going to just open up to him and say I fancy him. That doesn’t seem necessary and could be a bit awkward. Knowing this individual though, I think even that would not be too bad. Hard to explain why I think that and I’m so confident in it, but I am.
I’m still planning just to make him aware that I’d like to get a bit closer, help if he needs it and provide company if interested virtually or in person.

@QuentinWinters
Appreciate the boll*ks 😄. The strength of feeling on this thread has surprised me a lot as well. It feels like a lot of people are coming from either personal experience or observing people close to them in similar situations. Or maybe MN is always like this??? I have not been a big reader of the forums before, so I’m not sure.

My take away is that there is such a wide range of possible reactions to bereavement that to assume anything is to ensure that you will be wrong. So question is how to act in a way that kind of works in as many different situations as possible. Which supports the softly softly approach that many have recommended.

I’m wondering what the deleted post said too.