Is he up to something or am I paranoid?

[Pollydaydream]

Hi all,

New poster here, I'll try not to waffle. This is a bit batty but here we go.

I'm married (together 18 years) with 2 young kids. Hubs and I get on well, he's a great dad, we share housework. I've no complaints.

We work opposite shifts. Last week, while he was sleeping, a message pinged on his phone from Instagram. I don't have that app and didn't know he had it. I opened his phone and found a normal looking Instagram account following all his colleagues, friends and family. When I opened the message though, it was from a woman he's never mentioned before. That would be odd enough, but she's actually quite famous yet he's never mentioned knowing her.

I went back through the messages and found they have spoken almost every day for just over a year. The weird thing is they talk about normal stuff,like how they spent their day of what they're making for supper. There's nothing sexual in there, although there have been a few flirty comments. Eg she had joked about posting bikini pics on holiday and he had replied "well I won't be complaining". He also responds to a lot of her instagram story posts with fire or shocked face emojis. Despite that, there is no sexting or dirty talk, but they seem very close.

I looked further and it turns out they've known each other since they were small children, but he has never mentioned her to me. She wasn't at our wedding and she's never sent a Christmas card. They did text each other on Christmas day and she cheers him on with his work challenges. I looked her up on Facebook and her account is locked, but I could see that he's liked every one of her profile pics from the last decade.

I don't know what to think. There are no dirty pics or bad talk and I know they haven't met up (they joke in their messages about it plus she lives over 300 miles away). The only other thing that is off is she seems to have gone through a break up over the last year, but when I googled her it said she's still married. On the face of it it mainly seems like a lovely supportive friendship, but if that's just what it is, why has he never mentioned her?

Do I need to be concerned or are friendships like this normal? Thank you to anyone who can help with a little insight x

Yes I find it odd he's never mentioned it, not even for gossip

Maybe that’s why...

IMHO the only reason he has to not mention this is because there is more to it. Even if that is just a secret crush which he has no intention of doing anything about.

I would just ask him outright how he knows her. You’ve seen her messages, just admit that and ask him. I would have to!

I understand what everyone is saying, I'm just worried I'll look like the bad guy for snooping, especially if there's nothing to it. I managed to look again briefly today, they've been watching the same TV series as each other at the same time as in they plan when they put it on and discuss it as it runs. It's like he's married to her from afar, I don't get it. Nothing untoward or racy although he did put a shocked emoji on one of her stories again.

Just look him straight in the eye and say "so a woman named x (just use first name) called me up to let me know that you have a very intimate relationship with her, what's going on"... See what he says.

You don't have to admit to snooping. Say she told you. Then she's the bad guy.

@ReneeRol

Just look him straight in the eye and say "so a woman named x (just use first name) called me up to let me know that you have a very intimate relationship with her, what's going on"... See what he says.

You don't have to admit to snooping. Say she told you. Then she's the bad guy.

Definitely don't do this. You'll look nuts.

It all sounds pretty harmless tbh. I think if something was going to happen - seeing as they've known each other for years - it already would have.

I have friends from school I speak to regularly who I don't discuss with my DP. Not because they're my little secret, but because it really isn't that interesting. He knows about my friends who I physically see and spend quality time with, but I don't see the point of telling him about the ones I don't hang out with and only chat to via message. He isn't ever going to meet them so what's the point?

I don't think your DH is hiding anything intentionally. He probably just hasn't given it much thought.

I can’t agree with that Araminta— whilst you may be in contact with old school friends , if they were male and well known I doubt if you were doing this every day you would have said nothing at all.

Makes you think what else he lies about.

God I didn't see your latest post.
This is dreadful with the TV programmes.

Time to get angry op.
Ask him why he's being such a beg.

Just because she famous does't give her the right to intrude in your marriage and you shoudn't be put off by thinking shes untouchable.

Catalougue all communication and save.
If shes that famous I'd be trotting to the papers at a future date.

She does't sound that wholesome to me.

I wouldn't ask outright for the reason you say - you were snooping and, just supposing there's an innocent or just about OK explanation for this, then the snooping could undermine your otherwise good relationship.

However, you could I'm guessing say you saw the pinged Instagram without admitting scrolling back through the rest. I presume his phone is sufficiently accessible for this to be reasonable. If she's a famous name then why would you not mention it?

Sounds like an emotional affair. I’d talk to him. Before things get any more serious...

Is there a reason he's not watching the TV series with you OP?

Has he suggested it to you, but you're not into that type of programme or something?

He seems to be loving having this little secret of his - just the two of them.

I have an update after another snoop tonight (I hate to say this but I guessed his password so I don't need his phone to look now). He sent her a photo of a bottle of wine and told her he's watching a film. She then sent him a photo of her hand holding a wine glass in a bubble bath. You couldn't see any part of her body other than the hand holding the glass. It had a caption like "great minds think alike". He responds with the shocked emoji and she immediately turns the conversation to Strictly and he goes along with it!

I do not know what to make of this pair, I feel like the conversation they had makes me feel reasurred, but the shocked emoji again, it's thrown me off.

I'm so curious to know what, if anything is going on with them.
Do you know anything about this woman?
Presumably she's single?

I'm not a jealous person at all , but I really wouldn't be happy about this . Contact every day that you're not being told about , so much sharing of everyday matters it's just too much . By the look of it they haven't met up but what if she suggested it what do you think would be his reaction?

Hi, yes she is single but not publicly (I only know this through their conversations).

I havent seen any suggestion of them meeting but given the distance and covid that might be why. Or I could be worrying about nothing. I don't know.

I’m uncomfortable for you. If it’s totally innocent then there’s no need for secrecy. He’s kept it from you for a reason.

@Pollydaydream

I have an update after another snoop tonight (I hate to say this but I guessed his password so I don't need his phone to look now). He sent her a photo of a bottle of wine and told her he's watching a film. She then sent him a photo of her hand holding a wine glass in a bubble bath. You couldn't see any part of her body other than the hand holding the glass. It had a caption like "great minds think alike". He responds with the shocked emoji and she immediately turns the conversation to Strictly and he goes along with it!

I do not know what to make of this pair, I feel like the conversation they had makes me feel reasurred, but the shocked emoji again, it's thrown me off.

Oh come on op they are excluding you. Your meant to be his best friend, the person he shares banal crap with on a daily basis.

I'd suggest you name her if it wasn't for the fact you could ruin her later.

Your husband is a dick, a ligger and a sycophant tell him to get some self respect.

I have an update after another snoop tonight (I hate to say this but I guessed his password so I don't need his phone to look now)

If you've logged into his account on your phone will he get a notification of a login from a different device?

The watching the same TV programme and messaging about it is a bit off, were you in the room at the time he was doing it?

If you open an IG account and follow her and him it'll say when he's commented on or liked her posts. Then you could'legitimately' ask him about it.

I didn't think about Instagram sending notifications 😳 I am in work tonight, he hasn't messaged me about it though.

I appreciate everyone's advice, I know I seem weak I just feel like I need a definitive "gotcha" moment for clarity.

How famous is this person?

A lot famous or a little bit famous?

@Pollydaydream

I didn't think about Instagram sending notifications 😳 I am in work tonight, he hasn't messaged me about it though.

I appreciate everyone's advice, I know I seem weak I just feel like I need a definitive "gotcha" moment for clarity.

You don't sound weak at all op, you sound lovely and confused by it all.

You are not being paranoid and you have reason to be annoyed, i'm annoyed for you!

Op this is an emotional affair . They probably haven't done anything because she was in a relationship. I got a feeling if she has her chance now she will grab it with him and sadly vice versa 😭 x

Am I the only person who instantly thought Holly Willoughby?

This is an emotional affair though and while it seems harmless and nothing is likely to happen he should have told you.