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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is he up to something or am I paranoid?

692 replies

Pollydaydream · 29/10/2020 22:43

Hi all,

New poster here, I'll try not to waffle. This is a bit batty but here we go.

I'm married (together 18 years) with 2 young kids. Hubs and I get on well, he's a great dad, we share housework. I've no complaints.

We work opposite shifts. Last week, while he was sleeping, a message pinged on his phone from Instagram. I don't have that app and didn't know he had it. I opened his phone and found a normal looking Instagram account following all his colleagues, friends and family. When I opened the message though, it was from a woman he's never mentioned before. That would be odd enough, but she's actually quite famous yet he's never mentioned knowing her.

I went back through the messages and found they have spoken almost every day for just over a year. The weird thing is they talk about normal stuff,like how they spent their day of what they're making for supper. There's nothing sexual in there, although there have been a few flirty comments. Eg she had joked about posting bikini pics on holiday and he had replied "well I won't be complaining". He also responds to a lot of her instagram story posts with fire or shocked face emojis. Despite that, there is no sexting or dirty talk, but they seem very close.

I looked further and it turns out they've known each other since they were small children, but he has never mentioned her to me. She wasn't at our wedding and she's never sent a Christmas card. They did text each other on Christmas day and she cheers him on with his work challenges. I looked her up on Facebook and her account is locked, but I could see that he's liked every one of her profile pics from the last decade.

I don't know what to think. There are no dirty pics or bad talk and I know they haven't met up (they joke in their messages about it plus she lives over 300 miles away). The only other thing that is off is she seems to have gone through a break up over the last year, but when I googled her it said she's still married. On the face of it it mainly seems like a lovely supportive friendship, but if that's just what it is, why has he never mentioned her?

Do I need to be concerned or are friendships like this normal? Thank you to anyone who can help with a little insight x

OP posts:
loopylou3030 · 01/12/2020 16:38

Not sure there is going to be an update here. Can only hope that he explained everything away innocently.

IronNeonClasp · 02/12/2020 08:29

@Pollydaydream is everything ok? Please update Thanks

Newwayofthinking · 06/12/2020 19:34

So thats that then op isn't coming back 🤷‍♀️

Daisyjay · 06/12/2020 20:12

Yes it does appear that way. It's a pity as it would be good to know if the OP is doing ok...

loopylou3030 · 06/12/2020 21:02

Obviously the poster is under no obligation to return, however when hundreds of people have been kind enough to take the time to offer genuine advice and concern it would be polite to return just to confirm things turned out ok.

Groovinpeanut · 06/12/2020 21:14

loopylou3030
It seems to be the norm on many of these type of threads now.

Thedogshow · 06/12/2020 21:15

Could it be Alexa C? She has written a book, has no kids & is about the right age.

Ging7878 · 06/12/2020 21:26

Loopylou.....totally agree

fatkitchen · 06/12/2020 22:10

It's probably completely innocent but I would confront him . Unfortunately I am really dramatic and would accuse him of all sorts ( I'm not saying you should) I do think you should speak to him about it.

Dappled · 07/12/2020 00:43

@loopylou3030, although I'm sure the OP may be grateful for some of the support and advice given to her on here, she is in the middle of a major life crisis and it's not really about us is it?

Dappled · 07/12/2020 00:44

....also I can't help feeling that all the speculation about who it might be isn't helping @Pollydaydream's sense of wanting to return to the thread. I think if it was me I might feel a bit too much like people were enjoying the speculation.

iswhois · 07/12/2020 00:58

There's no good reason for him to be messaging another woman all day long, he should be spending that time with OP

Groovinpeanut · 07/12/2020 01:13

Dappled
The OP was finding all the detective work as to the 'Mystery Woman' highly amusing, so it would hardly be a reason to then stay away.

I have a feeling that the huge dripfeed at the end of the OPs involvement may have been the real reason. The situation at the start of the thread bears very little truth after the revelation at the end. There were other issues, plus the speculation only came from being asked to comment and for opinions.

Gotothewinchester · 07/12/2020 01:17

Hope you're doing ok OP!

YoungScrappyHungry · 07/12/2020 06:53

Hope you're okay OP. He's been a prize idiot, whatever the outcome.

YoungScrappyHungry · 07/12/2020 06:57

i also got an idea that he was a copper

Me too, they're fucking awful for it, and I am one!

YoungScrappyHungry · 07/12/2020 06:58

It's......Rebekah Vardy's account

Sadlonely67 · 07/12/2020 09:38

Hope you’re ok OP.

Please ignore the posters above who are saying you should return to give an update, it’s the least you can do etc. This is not how it works on here.

It’s entirely up to you whether you come back or not. We’ll be here to support if you do, and if so, when you are ready.

Please take care Flowers

loopylou3030 · 07/12/2020 13:09

@Sadlonely67

Hope you’re ok OP.

Please ignore the posters above who are saying you should return to give an update, it’s the least you can do etc. This is not how it works on here.

It’s entirely up to you whether you come back or not. We’ll be here to support if you do, and if so, when you are ready.

Please take care Flowers

It's not really for you to decide "how it works on here" is it?

Lots of people come back and say thanks for all the advice on other threads and just say that the issue is resolved. It's called having good manners and showing appreciation for the time and kindness people have shown you. You don't even have to go into details, it takes probably less than 2 minutes and as the poster had many hours to post on here asking advice, she can probably spare the time.

It all depends on whether you have good manners or not I guess. I wouldn't dream of spending weeks asking peoples advice and then disappearing without saying a word. Just because we are on an internet forum which is considered anonymous, doesn't mean as far as I am concerned, that common courtesy goes out of the window but then that's me and I don't make the rules on here any more than you do.

Sadlonely67 · 07/12/2020 13:29

Likewise, it's not the same for you to dictate anything. allloopylou3030

I have good manners, ta. This includes not pressuring or forcing or guilting people to return to a site that is meant to offer support.

Confused

Not much logic going on here.

Dappled · 07/12/2020 14:18

I really can't believe I'm reading this @loopylou3030 - the OP is in the middle of a horrible time, contemplating her home life which must feel devastated, probably wondering what on earth to do next, feeling generally traumatised and upset - and you would castigate her for not having good enough manners or not coming back on here promptly enough?
Really?
It's her actual life, it's not just an interesting internet thread to her. Can't you cut her a bit of slack at this time?
My thoughts exactly, @Sadlonely67.

loopylou3030 · 07/12/2020 14:52

@Dappled

I really can't believe I'm reading this *@loopylou3030* - the OP is in the middle of a horrible time, contemplating her home life which must feel devastated, probably wondering what on earth to do next, feeling generally traumatised and upset - and you would castigate her for not having good enough manners or not coming back on here promptly enough? Really? It's her actual life, it's not just an interesting internet thread to her. Can't you cut her a bit of slack at this time? My thoughts exactly, *@Sadlonely67*.
We have no idea if she is devastated and feeling traumatised. She may well have resolved the issue perfectly well, the fact is we have no idea. From reading threads it is usually when things are going well that people don't return as they have no use for the advice/forum. However, as I said we have no way of knowing either way.
lionobserving · 09/12/2020 23:39

@YoungScrappyHungry

It's......Rebekah Vardy's account
Underrated Grin
Butterfly3105 · 10/12/2020 03:31

@Pollydaydream please come back and give us an update, hope it went well and you've resolved everything

Ps Best thread I’ve read in ages!

Newwayofthinking · 26/12/2020 11:40

@Pollydaydream

This is really annoying and a bit rude, not to come back with something. Even a I'm now leaving this thread, thank you.

I know the OP doesn't owe any of us Jack shit, but many offered help and advice and sympathy in this thread and OP can't be bothered to pop back and thank anyone or briefly up date.