Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is he up to something or am I paranoid?

692 replies

Pollydaydream · 29/10/2020 22:43

Hi all,

New poster here, I'll try not to waffle. This is a bit batty but here we go.

I'm married (together 18 years) with 2 young kids. Hubs and I get on well, he's a great dad, we share housework. I've no complaints.

We work opposite shifts. Last week, while he was sleeping, a message pinged on his phone from Instagram. I don't have that app and didn't know he had it. I opened his phone and found a normal looking Instagram account following all his colleagues, friends and family. When I opened the message though, it was from a woman he's never mentioned before. That would be odd enough, but she's actually quite famous yet he's never mentioned knowing her.

I went back through the messages and found they have spoken almost every day for just over a year. The weird thing is they talk about normal stuff,like how they spent their day of what they're making for supper. There's nothing sexual in there, although there have been a few flirty comments. Eg she had joked about posting bikini pics on holiday and he had replied "well I won't be complaining". He also responds to a lot of her instagram story posts with fire or shocked face emojis. Despite that, there is no sexting or dirty talk, but they seem very close.

I looked further and it turns out they've known each other since they were small children, but he has never mentioned her to me. She wasn't at our wedding and she's never sent a Christmas card. They did text each other on Christmas day and she cheers him on with his work challenges. I looked her up on Facebook and her account is locked, but I could see that he's liked every one of her profile pics from the last decade.

I don't know what to think. There are no dirty pics or bad talk and I know they haven't met up (they joke in their messages about it plus she lives over 300 miles away). The only other thing that is off is she seems to have gone through a break up over the last year, but when I googled her it said she's still married. On the face of it it mainly seems like a lovely supportive friendship, but if that's just what it is, why has he never mentioned her?

Do I need to be concerned or are friendships like this normal? Thank you to anyone who can help with a little insight x

OP posts:
ReneeRol · 31/10/2020 16:40

There's always be somebody who'll come along to gaslight you and try to make you second guess yourself.

You're not in the wrong, he is. He hid this from you and he's being emotionally intimate with her - not a real friend but a woman he never mentioned to you.

I'm surprised you haven't confronted him about why he's being hiding this very intimate friendship from you. He knows it's inappropriate, that's why.

nc1962 · 31/10/2020 16:43

This is a bizarre situation. It sounds like EA territory to me. I don't find it acceptable that he has someone that is clearly a big part of his life, for years, and he's never said a word about it to you.
I'd find a way to bring this up without saying you've looked at his messages.
Is she someone you could legitimately have taken an interest in and decided to follow if you made an instagram? As in, is she famous in a niche sense? Eg a sports commentator for a sport you have no interest in? Or someone everyone could have taken an interest in eg a pop star or regularly seen tv presenter?
I'd make an Instagram, follow her and people a load of similar people from the same genre and then bring it up and see if he even admits to knowing her.

AntiHop · 31/10/2020 16:48

This sounds like an emotional affair. The secrecy is inappropriate in a marriage.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 31/10/2020 16:50

Have you checked on his other messaging apps? WhatsApp, Facebook, Kik, etc? I would especially try to get into his Facebook and view her profile page... Which is probably really bad advice, but if I'm honest I'd totally do it.

This is just too weird. Who doesn't mention "Oh hey I know that actress Jane Smith, we talk frequently" or whatever?

If you've been together 18yrs, has this woman become famous during the course of your relationship - can you remember how your marriage was at that time, is there any reason at all he wouldn't mention it? At all? Like... She's famous for being an objectionable prat?

Enough4me · 31/10/2020 16:53

I bet you wouldn't do this to him and in effect lie. Bet he would go crazy if he found out you hadn't been honest about a critical friendship?

I would have blown up straight away and asked 100 questions, but I have been cheated on before and have no tolerance for similar now.

VampireSnail · 31/10/2020 17:53

It's the secret aspect of it that would bother me. He has something with her, that's just between the two of them - with you completely excluded. It's that aspect that I think I'd struggle the most with. That and the reminiscing of times past. I think you need to ask him directly why on earth he's never mentioned her to you.

Original poster
Pollydaydream · 31/10/2020 18:23

Thank you all. I have decided to buy one of her books and leave it lying around to see if he mentions he knows her. I don't like lining her pockets but I suppose he's the one who's potentially in the wrong here.

OP posts:
yetmorecrap · 31/10/2020 22:25

Are we talking Nigella Lawson or Lorraine kelly kind of ‘wholesome’. I think this is a very old friendship and he’s flattered and it boosts his ego that they have this ‘connection’ I think it’s hugely disrespectful to you though that he’s not up front or honest about it and the frequency of it with zero mentioning would make me seriously distrust him— I think you are totally right to do what you plan to do— see if he says anything, gets flustered etc— I think he has the hots for whoever it is— but it’s all just ‘a bit of a crush’ on his part. Still hugely ill mannered though

Ulpo · 31/10/2020 22:41

Just ask him what he thinks of her.

Original poster
Pollydaydream · 31/10/2020 23:02

Definitely more Nigella, wholesome image with a racy edge (if that's the right way to put it). I've ordered on amazon, I'm going to use it as a conversation starter. I feel like if I just bring it up he will be suspicious, but thats because he's been so odd and never mentioned her to me. I just find it off, he has other female friends that I know about so why not this one?

OP posts:
ReneeRol · 31/10/2020 23:04

Don't put money in her pocket. Confront him and ask him why he's hiding this woman from you since he has such an intimate relationship with her.

SpongeWorthy · 31/10/2020 23:06

Speaking to someone every day who he's not mentioned (especially as she's famous tbh) and the bikini comment means it's perfectly reasonable this has rattled you. He's hiding stuff and has made flirty comments. If a genuine mate who happened to be a mate said the bikini comment I would feel weird, especially if they had a partner. He might not be having an emotional affair or anything with her, but if it was all innocent from his POV he would have mentioned it. He hasn't.

Anordinarymum · 31/10/2020 23:11

OP I have read the thread and this is what I think.

You have seen something that confused you and you then started looking for more and became disturbed and now you are worried.

You say you have been together for 18 years and he's a great dad. That's fine but he's not exactly being a good husband is he? I mean he talks every day to someone you do not know about !

If he were mine I would say something. I would have to. Bugger buying her bloody book. Out with it and suffer the consequences. You did not start this, he did.

Anordinarymum · 31/10/2020 23:12

..I mean.. honestly.. I would just say who is xxx and what is your relationship with her ?

You have every right

itsgettingcoldoutside · 31/10/2020 23:14

Sometimes emotional connection is more dangerous than a physical connection.
I would talk to him, about why he has kept her a secret from you. That would be a deal breaker for me.

MsDogLady · 01/11/2020 00:12

I have decided to buy one of her books and leave it lying around to see if he mentions he knows her.

After noticing her book, he may tell you that they were childhood friends or that they have occasionally messaged to catch-up. He won’t freely admit that he has been leading a double life with her everyday for over a year.

He has massively crossed a line by pursuing and nurturing this connection. In channeling so much of his emotional energy into her, he has created distance between you. They are sharing fun, intimacy and reliance. His attraction is evident in the bikini comment and the ‘You’re Hot’’ and ‘Wow’ emojis. All of this is highly disrespectful and disloyal to you.

The book won’t really get you anywhere. I would tackle this head-on by saying, “Tell me about your relationship with X” and gauging his reaction. Acknowledge being curious about his pinging Instagram and being intrigued when noticing the celebrity’s name...and, after looking further, being shocked at the huge volume of personal messages, the closeness they reveal, and, of course, the secrecy.

He has gone outside your relationship for emotional validation and has lied by omission. Dealbreaker for me.

sofato5miles · 01/11/2020 00:18

I would mention her to him and say, with a stony expression "Do ypu know her?". Then stay silent and watch his response.

It will be guilty

Runkle · 01/11/2020 00:35

Is it the Lip Lady from Bake Off...?

IndieTara · 01/11/2020 01:58

If he denies it then can you tell us who it is? 😁

IdblowJonSnow · 01/11/2020 02:23

I wouldn't confront yet. Keep digging. I'd imagine though, with the book thing, that he'll guess you're on to him.
Sounds like an emotional affair to me?
It's an odd one, I agree.

NotSurprisedReally · 01/11/2020 06:07

Depends how good an actress you are and how famous she's meant to be. You could always scroll through twitter on your phone giving out little bits of gossip to him. Then just mention 'her name' has been seen out in public with a much younger man. Watch his face to see what he does. If he asks to see say you've accidentally refreshed and it was really far down the page. If he doesn't go 'oh I know her from school' or if he seems upset then you have every right to be concerned.

NotSurprisedReally · 01/11/2020 06:16

Also what does his instagram look like? Are there photos of you?

Bamboo15 · 01/11/2020 06:29

I know you say it’s a grey area OP but if they haven’t met up and there is no real flirting I wouldn’t say it was that much of a grey area, people are allowed to have friends. But I agree it’s strange to have a daily communication that isn’t mentioned and I would find that odd and have questions about it if it was my partner. If they have known each other over a decade it maybe that a pretty neutral friendship just drifted into regular communication and he felt weird mentioning it in case it made you suspect it was more, when in fact it does seem like it isn’t.

I would ask about it though and maybe say that it’s fine for him to have friends male or female and your not accusing him of having an affair, but you want to understand why it’s not something he’s spoken to you about. I think if there was any more than that given the number of messages you would certainly of found something so I don’t think you need to worry that you have uncovered more than a friendship he has been reluctant to speak about.

MWNA · 01/11/2020 06:38

For god's sake. Don't use subterfuge! Just be direct. Ask him - say you snooped and want an explanation.

Cinders1234 · 01/11/2020 07:16

Anordinarymum

..I mean.. honestly.. I would just say who is xxx and what is your relationship with her ?

You have every right

This

He is your husband, he thought it was ok to message another woman every single day for a year (that’s just what you know about),
He puts fire
Emojis in reply to her pictures, he likes all of her profile
Pictures, the bikini comment, and the sheer fact he has never mentioned her to you.
!
Men can do this but we feel we can’t ask them?? There’s no evidence to gather, what more do you neee. Ask him!! Stone faced ‘how do you know so and so and why haven’t you mentioned her before’ it’s so so strange, watch his reaction and watch him lie,
He may think a family
Member has mentioned them or whatever. Let him answer, and then say why are you lying,
You have spoken to her everyday for the last year??? Ffs. You are
Not going to feel ok around him until this is tackled x