Is he up to something or am I paranoid?

[Pollydaydream]

Hi all,

New poster here, I'll try not to waffle. This is a bit batty but here we go.

I'm married (together 18 years) with 2 young kids. Hubs and I get on well, he's a great dad, we share housework. I've no complaints.

We work opposite shifts. Last week, while he was sleeping, a message pinged on his phone from Instagram. I don't have that app and didn't know he had it. I opened his phone and found a normal looking Instagram account following all his colleagues, friends and family. When I opened the message though, it was from a woman he's never mentioned before. That would be odd enough, but she's actually quite famous yet he's never mentioned knowing her.

I went back through the messages and found they have spoken almost every day for just over a year. The weird thing is they talk about normal stuff,like how they spent their day of what they're making for supper. There's nothing sexual in there, although there have been a few flirty comments. Eg she had joked about posting bikini pics on holiday and he had replied "well I won't be complaining". He also responds to a lot of her instagram story posts with fire or shocked face emojis. Despite that, there is no sexting or dirty talk, but they seem very close.

I looked further and it turns out they've known each other since they were small children, but he has never mentioned her to me. She wasn't at our wedding and she's never sent a Christmas card. They did text each other on Christmas day and she cheers him on with his work challenges. I looked her up on Facebook and her account is locked, but I could see that he's liked every one of her profile pics from the last decade.

I don't know what to think. There are no dirty pics or bad talk and I know they haven't met up (they joke in their messages about it plus she lives over 300 miles away). The only other thing that is off is she seems to have gone through a break up over the last year, but when I googled her it said she's still married. On the face of it it mainly seems like a lovely supportive friendship, but if that's just what it is, why has he never mentioned her?

Do I need to be concerned or are friendships like this normal? Thank you to anyone who can help with a little insight x

Michelle Keegan?

Shirley Ballas 😂😂😂

Book should be here by 10pm! Just going to leave it there and see what he says....

If it's innocent then I don't mind in principle. I've not seen any evidence of him hitting on her or the other way around. My gut feeling is something is off though. Only consolation is she lives very far away. His parents live 2 mins from her but it's unlikely we will be visiting them this Christmas due to covid so there's no opportunity for them to try and meet.

Hindsight moment just hit me: we have only visited his parents once this year. For the first time ever on our last visit in June, he went for a run at 6am (who takes running kit for a two night stay with their kids and parents). He was only gone for half hour though and I saw no mention of a tryst in their messages. It's hard not to let my imagination run wild.

I think I would randomly take screenshots of stuff and do nothing bar watch what's going on. If they cross the line you have evidence of it being a long term thing then.

I would be pissed off. I can't exactly say whey. I think it's because he's being more loyal to her than to you. They have their little secret.

This would piss me off but I can;t exactly explain why. He is being more loyal to her than to you.
I wouldn't be able to resist screen shots and keeping an eye on it so that if it does cross a line you have evidence but I would keep schtum.

It's Philomena Cunk, isn't it?
He's got a wonderful wife so why this oddly secretive 'friendship'? Perhaps he is just worried you might spill the beans. It's all very peculiar

@lilmishap

Id expect to be told if he knew someone famous. For chit chat reasons

Maybe you've hit on exactly why he doesn'tmention her; because she is famous he's protecting her privacy. So nobody can ever ask him about something he knows she doesn't want mentioned, and he can't offend/upset (you) by declining to answer . Or by fobbing it off with a fib.

Wonder if he's signed an NDA or something. I'd 100% start reading the book in front of him and start slagging he off...I'd probably then explode and launch it at his head, that's just me

I thought Shirley Ballas too!

@2bazookas

I expect yor right, how very noble of him to respect her privacy.

Famous people also have morals and woundn't dream of hijacking someones husband for spport to such a degree.

He should trust his wife and tell her if it is completely innocent.

I wouldn't show him the book, the conversations will continue and go underground.

It is so very odd really. It looks very much like an emotional affair or at least a transference of some kind. I don't like the tv thing at all, it's like he's erasing your presence from the room and just watching with her. The wine glass in the bath is overly familiar. I wouldn't send that to any of my male friends, they'd think I was trying to come on to them.

Have you thought of checking if she has Twitter? If your husband had an Instagram account you're not aware of, he might have other social media accounts.

I couldn’t cope with this in a relationship. This Celebrity must be around 36 years old , wonder who it is ?

Mary Berry ?

@Muranoandizumi

I think you should read the book by Shirley Glass "not just friends" and force your DH to as well.

It is an emotional affair of sorts because he is confiding in her and not you...

It's an emotional affair. It's lying.

He's making plans to watch films and chat with her at the same time. And not telling you. No different to meeting in person in these times.

Even if it's 100% friendship based I would be extremely uncomfortable about the level of contact, making plans etc and never ever mentioning this to you. It's went on for years.

It's like having a secret fantasy life. I would feel excluded and deceived.

It's Jane McDonald.

The big question is.....

Would he fancy her and would she fancy him?

I wouldn’t accept this. It’s too much of an emotional affair scenario for it to be meaningless to him given the level and intimacy of the if the contact. And it’s a secret? Please don’t accept it

I would just outright ask him.

It's not the fact he has this friend but more so he has never mentioned her and has so much contact. The secrecy is out of order and the volume of exchanges (even though mostly mundane in nature) is out of order.

I would want to know why he hadn't told me about her and I would tell him I'm not comfortable with the level of contact. His reaction will speak volumes.

I'm not a possessive wife by any stretch but as far as my husband is concerned I wouldn't be happy being second place to any other person, male or female. In return, I don't put any relationship/friendship before my marriage (I'm talking about adult interactions here, of course children are a different matter)

@Onthedunes Im pretty confident they would be attracted to each other. I feel almost like they've both been slowly grooming each other for an affair. Or even worse, there's genuine feeling that is growing. I don't want to think about either option

I feel like I need to read through their chat again, first time around was overwhelming and I've probably missed a lot of things.

The situation is bizarre.

Since they've known each other since childhood, maybe they've kept in touch all this time.

As for why he's never mentioned her, this thread is a good reason why.

A few bitter and jealous woukd sell the info to the first tabloid.
Others, just can't help themselves when it comes to gossip.

Then there are very few people like your DH, who can keep his trap shut about a celebrity.

Emotional affair? I don't know. In 18 years together, this friendship hasn't taken away from your marriage.

Was there a reason why you decided to snoop?

I'd feel betrayed myself. My dh has a mate who has lots of female friends and I can honestly say theres nothing remotely flirty or sexual about it. But the conversations aren't intimate or exclusive. He wouldn't chat to one of them every night. Or sort of massage their ego. He regularly stays the night with one, because he works there every now and then, and his wife isn't remotely bothered, and knowing him, I wouldn't be either. Mind you, I cant imagine the friend would reply from her bubble bath. There's something about this that's different. The secrecy maybe?

How do you know where she lives from her Instagram?

I know where she lives because she went to school with my husband and she stayed in the area afterwards.

@RantyAnty

The situation is bizarre.

Since they've known each other since childhood, maybe they've kept in touch all this time.

As for why he's never mentioned her, this thread is a good reason why.

A few bitter and jealous woukd sell the info to the first tabloid.
Others, just can't help themselves when it comes to gossip.

Then there are very few people like your DH, who can keep his trap shut about a celebrity.

Emotional affair? I don't know. In 18 years together, this friendship hasn't taken away from your marriage.

Was there a reason why you decided to snoop?

I agree it's odd.

But we're not talking about keeping it private from Joe Public, he's kept it hidden from his wife, for years. That's the part that wouldn't sit easy with me.

I know there's an argument for protecting his friends privacy and maintaining her confidence but is it at his wife's expense?
I'm genuinely conflicted by that, I would be uncomfortable with it but struggle to articulate what makes me uneasy. It's the humdrum nature of their interactions which almost exacerbates things. He's having the same conversations with her as he would his wife, whilst not sexual it's intimate.

Again, I'd just ask him what's it all about.