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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is he up to something or am I paranoid?

692 replies

Pollydaydream · 29/10/2020 22:43

Hi all,

New poster here, I'll try not to waffle. This is a bit batty but here we go.

I'm married (together 18 years) with 2 young kids. Hubs and I get on well, he's a great dad, we share housework. I've no complaints.

We work opposite shifts. Last week, while he was sleeping, a message pinged on his phone from Instagram. I don't have that app and didn't know he had it. I opened his phone and found a normal looking Instagram account following all his colleagues, friends and family. When I opened the message though, it was from a woman he's never mentioned before. That would be odd enough, but she's actually quite famous yet he's never mentioned knowing her.

I went back through the messages and found they have spoken almost every day for just over a year. The weird thing is they talk about normal stuff,like how they spent their day of what they're making for supper. There's nothing sexual in there, although there have been a few flirty comments. Eg she had joked about posting bikini pics on holiday and he had replied "well I won't be complaining". He also responds to a lot of her instagram story posts with fire or shocked face emojis. Despite that, there is no sexting or dirty talk, but they seem very close.

I looked further and it turns out they've known each other since they were small children, but he has never mentioned her to me. She wasn't at our wedding and she's never sent a Christmas card. They did text each other on Christmas day and she cheers him on with his work challenges. I looked her up on Facebook and her account is locked, but I could see that he's liked every one of her profile pics from the last decade.

I don't know what to think. There are no dirty pics or bad talk and I know they haven't met up (they joke in their messages about it plus she lives over 300 miles away). The only other thing that is off is she seems to have gone through a break up over the last year, but when I googled her it said she's still married. On the face of it it mainly seems like a lovely supportive friendship, but if that's just what it is, why has he never mentioned her?

Do I need to be concerned or are friendships like this normal? Thank you to anyone who can help with a little insight x

OP posts:
aeiouaeiouaeiou · 22/11/2020 18:47

Whatever the ins and outs they are both being incredibly deceitful. The trust has gone. They are taking you for a fool.

FEminem · 22/11/2020 18:59

Keep perspective OP. He hasn't "done" anything but it does sound like things are ramping up. He probably feels flattered by the attention and being in this secret bubble with her.

You say no intimacy in a year - that's a worry! Surely there must be some time you can spend together? It does sound like he's bored and few men can survive without connection or appreciation. It's always easier to give it to someone without the additional baggage but I think you should try and make time for one another before or after you address this.

ElspethFlashman · 22/11/2020 19:19

Your description of the marriage earlier in the thread belies the fact its a completely sexless one.

Is your relationship actually as solid as it used to be?

Original poster
Pollydaydream · 22/11/2020 19:24

Yes, we haven't had intimacy but I'm happy. I haven't felt like it and life is hectic, even more so since the pandemic. I don't feel that should be an excuse to speak to another woman incessantly though.

I am going to speak to him later in the week but I have to get my head straight first. I am not afraid of his reaction at all, he's not like that. But he is pretty high up in the police and he can run rings around me in arguments. I need to be clear, concise, screenshots to hand. Hes being an absolute idiot but he's a very clever man when it comes to fighting his corner.

OP posts:
Robin233 · 22/11/2020 19:24

I know it’s difficult with work and small children but intimacy in a marriage is really important. Despite you’re opposing shift pattern it would be very worthwhile sheduling in some couple time. Marriages need fuel.
Once this is back on track you may find the messages wane and stop.

Onthedunes · 22/11/2020 19:55

It seems that your agreement of limited intamacy, was in yours eyes mutual.

It could have been engineered by him.

Audreyseyebrows · 22/11/2020 21:21

Lack of intimacy doesn’t give him a right to behave like this!

Robin233 · 22/11/2020 23:00

No it doesn’t but sadly when man , or women are deprived of intimacy they are vulnerable to others. Seen this play out so often. Though not right it is understandable. Everyone needs love and closeness. If they don’t get it at home they will go elsewhere or be very miserable. An affair / emotional affair is always a symptom of something deeper.

ElspethFlashman · 22/11/2020 23:08

And the increase in messaging seems to have coincided with the drop off of intimacy in yyor marriage.

You said yourself that before the last year their contact on FB was more sporadic - its only in the last year that its been daily and its increased a lot more recently. Its ramping up and ramping up and funnily enough he has a dead bedroom at home.

If you think it's unrelated, then it's a bit naive.

Now of course it's not an excuse! But I suspect its the reason that it's ramped up lately.

TellingBone · 22/11/2020 23:23

Factor that in OP - that he might use lack of intimacy as a 'defence' for his behaviour.

Soandsoandso · 22/11/2020 23:31

It's........... Rebekah Vardy's account.

Isn't it? 😂

Onthedunes · 22/11/2020 23:42

@Soandsoandso

Coleens piped up again.

WhenPushComesToShove · 23/11/2020 00:16

How about an FB photo of you both together and some sort of comment reflecting happy times shared and togetherness. It would be interesting to see how he feels about that, knowing Shirley would see it. Also would you consider re-establishing intimacy? It would certainly increase his focus on you.

pinkeskimo12 · 23/11/2020 00:36

@Soandsoandso hahaha I really wanted to say this too Grin

I hope everything works out OP Flowers

Trickyboy · 23/11/2020 00:49

Hmmm difficult one because your DH hasn't 'whined' to her or you for that matter about the lack of sex.. and this is a pretty stock conversation between a 'possible' affair partner and the married party.. in fact from what I have read from you relaying the content of the messages - he has given her no reason to even know that the intimate side of your marriage is stagnant at the moment. .. however the timing can't be a confidence.

Whilst you say you are happy with the lack of sex, it really isn't a healthy state of affairs in a marriage. Just because a man or woman behaves decently and doesn't hassle for sex - doesn't mean that the one who does want sex doesn't feel horribly rejected. Believe me. I have been there and got the t-shirt. It i can have a shattering effect on your self-esteem. .. and had I had a handsome ' celeb' wanting to chat to me every day and tell me how fab I was .. I'm not sure I would of been able to resist either.

My husband lost his libido due to medication (We eventually realised) and change of meds solved the issue) .. the irony was that my first very happy marriage ended because I also stopped having sex due to the normal fatigue that goes with full time work and young kids.
I kept telling myself I would feel like it soon.. but after 2 years DH gave up and had an affair.. I could of prevented all that heartache by just getting back into the habit.. no spouse should be required to live in a sexless marriage fir years if both parties are 'able' but one just not bothered.
I think a bit of 'fake it till you make it is needed. Then I bet the messages decrease. Sex creates that special connection that may appear to be missing at the moment.

MsDogLady · 23/11/2020 05:24

Polly, there is a malignancy in your marriage.

Your H is involved in a secret relationship with another woman and both parties are reciprocating. H is supporting, flirting and drooling. OW is the damsel who is tantalizing with a photo from her bath and an ‘accidental’ sex-act innuendo. Their relationship clearly contains both emotional and sexual energy and it is deepening and escalating.

If H has issues with your relationship, he has had a range of ethical options to use to deal with them. Communication is the key. Deception and infidelity are never the answer.

You fear rocking the boat, but what is the true status of your marriage when you are being lied to daily, your H’s thoughts and actions are with another woman, and you are hesitant to express your discomfort when he has so outrageously crossed the line.

He may minimize and claim friendship, but that doesn’t hold water. You have plenty of evidence that they have moved their relationship to another level, indeed to an EA. What matters is that his deception and their closeness, reliance, constant contact, flirting and innuendo are unacceptable to you. Your relationship cannot begin to recover until he cuts contact.

Isthisit22 · 23/11/2020 06:26

[quote Pollydaydream]@namechangedforthis101 thank you so much for your perspective, I think that's exactly what's going on. We haven't been intimate in over a year, we work opposing shifts, I don't know if he's lonely within the marriage. I will definitely be discussing it with him but I've held back for so long in case he thinks I'm nuts, or worse, decides he doesn't want to be part of this family any more.[/quote]
That is one hell of a drip feed!!

Not being intimate for a year pretty much means you're friends not husband and wife.

You said your marriage was good other than this Confused

Isthisit22 · 23/11/2020 06:28

@Pollydaydream

Yes, we haven't had intimacy but I'm happy. I haven't felt like it and life is hectic, even more so since the pandemic. I don't feel that should be an excuse to speak to another woman incessantly though.

I am going to speak to him later in the week but I have to get my head straight first. I am not afraid of his reaction at all, he's not like that. But he is pretty high up in the police and he can run rings around me in arguments. I need to be clear, concise, screenshots to hand. Hes being an absolute idiot but he's a very clever man when it comes to fighting his corner.

You haven't felt like sex for a year but it's OK because you feel happy?

Oh dear

PopsicleHustler · 23/11/2020 06:29

I would literally go through the roof if this was my man.
I'd probably be throwing up constantly too as he is my life.

surlycurly · 23/11/2020 07:08

I think my biggest issue with this is the amount of time and attention he's taking away from your family. He's distracted, allll the time. That's time where he's not thinking about you or your kids; that is a huge betrayal. In be furious OP

Robin233 · 23/11/2020 07:48

Remember if you want ti keep the home fires burning you need to stoke the fire once in a wild - and mean it.
Not many people sign up for a sexless marriage.
You need to find time for each. Because as you’ve found out if you don’t somebody else will.
Good luck op.

BubblyBarbara · 23/11/2020 08:12

I’m going with paranoid

Reearry · 23/11/2020 10:54

Pollydaydream

he can run rings around me in arguments. I need to be clear, concise, screenshots to hand. Hes being an absolute idiot but he's a very clever man when it comes to fighting his corner.

You have to be prepared for denial, minimisation, deflection, anger and possibly him turning this around and making it about you and the lack of intimacy in the marriage. If he is someone who can run rings around you in an arguement ( I know the type being married to one) , emotion will not get you anywhere. You have to treat it like a court case. These are the facts... You are spending hours of your daily life talking to another women. Not acceptable. No it's not just being friends... This is emotional affair. Etc etc . Think of all the ways he could deflect and try to minimise it.

She is just an old friend
Why are you spying on me?
Am I not allowed to have friends?
So what if I am chatting to her for hours it doesn't mean anything
Show me exactly what I have said or done that is not okay
You are being paranoid/ ridiculous/ blowing this out of proportion
I wouldn't have had to seek out friendship if it were not for you spending time with work/ lack of intimacy in marriage etc etc

You get the picture. Write down all the things he could bring up to deflect and minimise and be prepared to tell him why those are not acceptable. Your emotions will run high and he could potentially be irritated/ annoyed/ angry etc but you need to stand firm. You are in the right here... No matter his reaction. Stand firm in your belief. I truly believe once it's out in the open he will realise the extent of his appalling behaviour and things will settle down. If the worst does happen and he refuses to accept what he is doing is wrong .... Then remember that it takes two to want to be in a marriage and work. If he is not willing to consider your feelings... Is he worth being married to? I don't think it will come to that... But you need to go into the discussion being strong, confident and having trust in yourself and your relationship. It's been 18 years of life together...it does mean something and you need to hold on that and put your fears aside and just deal with it head on.

Janaih · 23/11/2020 13:06

Agree massive drip feed there.
Lack of sex and intimacy doesn't excuse his behaviour but it does explain it.
You need to have a full honest discussion. If hes just going to run rings round you then it's not much of a marriage. You are both supposed to be on the same team!

Mydogmylife · 23/11/2020 13:12

No intimacy for a year is for me a pretty big drip feed - is this something you have both decided on, has it just 'slipped' have you even discussed it? You say you are happy with this , is he? Although sex is obviously not the bee all in a marriage , it does I think bring a closeness to the relationship. It's no excuse for his behaviour but maybe he's looking for that wee frisson of excitement and he's mistakenly thinking this is harmless. You so need to speak to him about this