Is he up to something or am I paranoid?

[Pollydaydream]

Hi all,

New poster here, I'll try not to waffle. This is a bit batty but here we go.

I'm married (together 18 years) with 2 young kids. Hubs and I get on well, he's a great dad, we share housework. I've no complaints.

We work opposite shifts. Last week, while he was sleeping, a message pinged on his phone from Instagram. I don't have that app and didn't know he had it. I opened his phone and found a normal looking Instagram account following all his colleagues, friends and family. When I opened the message though, it was from a woman he's never mentioned before. That would be odd enough, but she's actually quite famous yet he's never mentioned knowing her.

I went back through the messages and found they have spoken almost every day for just over a year. The weird thing is they talk about normal stuff,like how they spent their day of what they're making for supper. There's nothing sexual in there, although there have been a few flirty comments. Eg she had joked about posting bikini pics on holiday and he had replied "well I won't be complaining". He also responds to a lot of her instagram story posts with fire or shocked face emojis. Despite that, there is no sexting or dirty talk, but they seem very close.

I looked further and it turns out they've known each other since they were small children, but he has never mentioned her to me. She wasn't at our wedding and she's never sent a Christmas card. They did text each other on Christmas day and she cheers him on with his work challenges. I looked her up on Facebook and her account is locked, but I could see that he's liked every one of her profile pics from the last decade.

I don't know what to think. There are no dirty pics or bad talk and I know they haven't met up (they joke in their messages about it plus she lives over 300 miles away). The only other thing that is off is she seems to have gone through a break up over the last year, but when I googled her it said she's still married. On the face of it it mainly seems like a lovely supportive friendship, but if that's just what it is, why has he never mentioned her?

Do I need to be concerned or are friendships like this normal? Thank you to anyone who can help with a little insight x

I would print out all of their messages and present it to him, book style.

I'd pretend to connect with an old school friend on Facebook then make out you're constantly exchanging messages. When your husband starts to get annoyed, see how he reacts when you say 'well if you can do it why can't I?'

OP I kind of had an idea there was something you weren't being upfront about. All the hearts and flowers at the beginning of the thread about how perfect your marriage was, apart from this blot on the landscape. I also got an idea that he was a copper.
I have just watched the same scenario play out with my neighbours. She discovered insta messages, texts, Facebook messages and emails. She's got kids one a 5 week old baby. She used the same tactics you have, and sent herself crazy in online stalking. She needed all the proof. She used the same words that he "could run rings round her"
Bottom line he didn't give two hoots. He said "well you know now and packed his bags and left" he's moved in with a wpc he was conducting this "affair" with.
I think this is why you're not saying anything deep down isn't it? Once you open this up you know you can't close it again.
As you say you've got all you dreamt of as a little girl. You're not a little girl now though. You've either got to bury it and grit your teeth and not disclose it, or take your chances and grasp the nettle and spill it out.
One thing that seems strange though is he's been with you for 18 years I think you said? Yet he's a copper and hasn't noticed you seem on edge or anything. It honestly looks like you've both checked out of your marriage. You're snooping and happy, he's chatting to others and you're both in this sexless existence.
Maybe you've got to both make some tough decisions. I'd start by being honest with yourself why you don't want sex with your husband. He may then be honest with you why he's conducting chatty sessions with other women.

He hasn’t told you because he’s hoping more will come of it. He knows If he tells you you’d be expecting a normal friendship between them that doesn’t consist of speaking every day and flirty messages, you could even become friends with her too which he definitely wouldn’t like.

OP hope you're doing okay

I agree with @Groovinpeanut.

You present a false image of the marriage at the start. With over a year of not being intimidate, and his racy chats with her, it’s clear he has only sexual partner in his mind and that’s her. He’s essentially having a relationship with her while living with you, but keeping it just on the right side so he can tell himself it’s not an affair.

I know you want to deal with it slowly, but it really sounds like your marriage is not in the position you try to set out—more coparents who live together, while she is the person he shares intimacy with.

I wouldn’t downplay (or allow him to downplay) his use of the Hot and OMG emojis in response to her photos. Several theories/opinions have been floated, including: they are in a gray area; they are inappropriate; they are a part of their slow-burning dance; he doesn’t want to blow it with her by being overt; he uses them as cover so if rumbled he can claim Being Polite or Brushing Her Off.

Whatever his agenda is, the emojis are flirty, complimentary, and a way to drool over her. He has also said she looks amazing, her legs are a fine asset, and he made anticipatory comments regarding her upcoming bikini shots. All are inappropriate and disrespectful to you. When combined with the OTT messaging as soon as you leave and their confiding/sharing life details, it all adds up to an Emotional Affair. As things seem to be escalating, I would assume at some point this will lead to a declaration of feelings, sexting, or meeting up.

Imv he cannot justify this behaviour.
Whether you lose your temper or not OP, whether he can justify it as a friendship or not, whether he can claim it is all the 'friend''s doing or not.
This is not on.
With covid they cannot get together at the moment.
Police people are v cautious online and in real life, a wrong comment on twitter or whatever could lose them their job. His comments sound guarded to me. V difficult for you. No magic solution unless he changes his ways permanently.

I hope you had a chance to chat to him yesterday & you doing ok OP 💐

I have read the thread, there was some very good advice from someone- sorry cannot remember the name but is now divorced, I wouldn't like it but I don't think there is anything in it either. Pressing an emoji is very easy and he's really not making an effort. I would address this tho because it's bothering you, and that has an impact, ask him why he's so involved with her. If my husband was messaging anyone as much male or female I would be concerned

How are you OP? Hope you got the opportunity to have your planned discussion with your DH & that you now have some if not all the answers you were seeking.
Whatever the outcome I wish you well x

After breakups people often get in touch with old friends and busy themselves sending messages and get active on social media. This year it's all you can do.

My partner continued texting his ex for a year and a half into our relationship. He said it was because he agreed to stay friends, she was lonely and because they worked together on a historical project. She was in another country and barely speaks English and they only met six times. I still thought it was completely inappropriate and I complained the whole time. Eventually, under duress, he stopped although he still complains that I have inconvenienced him and stuck my nose in where I shouldn't when he needs translations or archive documents from there. In retrospect it probably was nothing because he made all his life plans around me. Maybe I shouldn't have been so jealous.

TrailingLobelias
He actually says stuff like that to you about his ex? Saying you poked your nose in?
You actually second guess now about being jealous?
Seriously?

I really feel for you OP if they were "just friends" he would not be investing so much time into it would he? He has crossed a line massively.

@Groovinpeanut

TrailingLobelias He actually says stuff like that to you about his ex? Saying you poked your nose in? You actually second guess now about being jealous? Seriously?

Haha thanks. I never talked to anyone about it except him so he has kind of convinced me. In any case it was all years ago and it was eventually settled in my favour- he stopped.

Hi OP sorry you are going through this it must be so upsetting. He may think he’s not doing anything wrong (as men often do) but the fact that he’s never said about knowing her, which you would given she’s well known means he wanted to keep it from you and so why does he feel the need to? It’s difficult when you are happy and have a family as it would have devastating consequences. However it doesnt sound like they have met up. I hope you are ok and hope you can unburden this to a good friend in RL.

You ok op?

Is it that lovely Ella Cook lady

??? Lovely.
Who ever she is , she isn’t acting lovely.
It really doesn’t matter.
She sounds insecure and bored.
Online relationship pale in comparison to real friends- even if we can see them at the moment.
It seems OP has vanished.
I suspect once she mentioned the bit about the sexless marriage and many posters suggested the connection to the problem - it too close to home.
Maybe she only wanted validation that despite the lack of intimacy in her marriage, he should give up his online friendship.
Well sadly , in many cases , not all, if men (and women) aren’t getting their needs met at home - love, respect , intimacy- given the chance will get it elsewhere.
Seen this play out so often.
And the partners are always ‘blindsided’
Wake up and smell the coffee.

Read most of this thread wondering why on earth OP couldn't just talk to her DH after discovering a situation that might have been a bit unusual but contained no evidence of infidelity - quite the opposite in fact. DH's conversation with this woman seems banal and casual, with the worst "flags" fairly innocuous, so it's just the frequency and secrecy that were weird. The secrecy I assumed came from her need/desire for discretion - a celebrity would really prize a trusted old friend from before her fame days that she could just chit-chat normally with.

So I was wondering why on earth not just talk to your DH about something that might not be a big deal? OP went to some quite invasive lengths in terms of snooping instead - behaviour I would find worse in a partner than casual messaging that wasn't even inappropriate!

Then the massive dripfeed about her sexless marriage, and it all fell into place. Clearly there's been a breakdown in communication and connection between OP and DH, which is why her reaction to this wasn't to talk but to snoop. And probably why he's spending so much time messaging other people, platonically or not.

It's far from broken, if they both want to fix it - no one's strayed yet and it doesn't sound like it's tipped into outright hostility - but that's the root of the problem, not these messages.

Please let us know if you're ok OP
💐

@gannett
Spot on.

Its now time for this all to come out in the open as I’ve said in previous posts this will fester away and you’ll blow your top OP.

How the hell you haven’t said anything is astounding but that could be the fear if this will in your eyes end your marriage but it’s a shell of one already and now it’s time to fix if you can.

Only you can do something now not us, you.

@Pollydaydream I'm guessing you have spoken to your husband now. I hope you are ok 💐