Is he up to something or am I paranoid?

[Pollydaydream]

Hi all,

New poster here, I'll try not to waffle. This is a bit batty but here we go.

I'm married (together 18 years) with 2 young kids. Hubs and I get on well, he's a great dad, we share housework. I've no complaints.

We work opposite shifts. Last week, while he was sleeping, a message pinged on his phone from Instagram. I don't have that app and didn't know he had it. I opened his phone and found a normal looking Instagram account following all his colleagues, friends and family. When I opened the message though, it was from a woman he's never mentioned before. That would be odd enough, but she's actually quite famous yet he's never mentioned knowing her.

I went back through the messages and found they have spoken almost every day for just over a year. The weird thing is they talk about normal stuff,like how they spent their day of what they're making for supper. There's nothing sexual in there, although there have been a few flirty comments. Eg she had joked about posting bikini pics on holiday and he had replied "well I won't be complaining". He also responds to a lot of her instagram story posts with fire or shocked face emojis. Despite that, there is no sexting or dirty talk, but they seem very close.

I looked further and it turns out they've known each other since they were small children, but he has never mentioned her to me. She wasn't at our wedding and she's never sent a Christmas card. They did text each other on Christmas day and she cheers him on with his work challenges. I looked her up on Facebook and her account is locked, but I could see that he's liked every one of her profile pics from the last decade.

I don't know what to think. There are no dirty pics or bad talk and I know they haven't met up (they joke in their messages about it plus she lives over 300 miles away). The only other thing that is off is she seems to have gone through a break up over the last year, but when I googled her it said she's still married. On the face of it it mainly seems like a lovely supportive friendship, but if that's just what it is, why has he never mentioned her?

Do I need to be concerned or are friendships like this normal? Thank you to anyone who can help with a little insight x

Maybe the discussion needed is more along the lines of - I think we need to take a bit of stock here, and pay some attention to our marriage before we end up on a path we didn't intend.

An approach from a point of view that you are both responsible for the state of your marriage. Both with behaviour and personal needs or wants, and with tolerance and boundaries of what is agreed to be acceptable or desirable. Sort of We've come to a stage where we are neither of us making the state of our marriage a priority any more. You are choosing to invest more time and emotional energy in someone other than me, and that's not acceptable to me. I've happily stepped away from the intimate side of things...is that difficult for you, and is that why you think you've been having a secret and time consuming constant relationship with her, or do you actually think it's fine for either of us to do that?
I don't know OP, just wondering if it would make a decent conversation more possible? Or more constructive than destructive? If one person is happy without the closeness (you) it may well be that the other person (him) is ok with that, but only because he has something else.

@FantasticButtocks

I agree with the conversation, rather than guns blazing.

I actually think many women would not like losing intimacy for a year, the reasons are not usually just because someone is happy for that arrangement.

This is probably why op started to look for clues in the first place.
There are going to be some hard choices for both of you ahead.

Rtft and you're right, no married would be speaking daily to someone whilst turning up the heat in the messages if it was just for friendship. The fact that he hasn't told you means he knows what he's doing is wrong.
I'm actually livid on your behalf!

Could you print all the messages? Him seeing how much they actually message/ contact each other might actually shock him. I would just ask him to explain himself. Don’t speak, let him do the talking and just breathe and listen. Don’t throw everything away over messages, but let him understand the gravity of the situation by being confronted by the sheer volume of contact.

@CornforthWhite good idea!

I'm so sorry for the pain and turmoil you must be feeling right now. What started as 2 mates catching up with each other, touching base now and then and chatting about old times seems to have turned into way more. All the hours your husband has spent talking to this woman, time away from you and his family. Clearly there is a connection there which has developed and grown into more. I would not be happy at all about this. This is more than 'just friends.'
Be aware that once you tell him you know about their contact, which he will downplay, he'll lock all his social media down. Do you think you could trust that he'll break all contact with her, especially as it seems like they have a compulsive need to message - hundreds of messages in 3 days?
As for his laughing emoji to her 'goodnight gorgeous,' he's done that because it's non-committal. If he responds with something on a par then he can't use the 'we're just friends' justification to this. But I imagine that secretly he will have been thrilled to have her sign off like that. It feels like this is on the cusp of turning, of crossing over into full on emotional affair.
Also, to be aware that he's going to turn all this back on you, that you've been 'snooping' on him and invading his privacy.
I wouldn't help but feel betrayed by him.
Sending you strength and clarity to have this conversation.

You haven’t had sex in a year but you’re, ‘happy’.

He isn’t. Most people wouldn’t be. No one should have sex they don’t want. Equally one partner cannot expect to withhold it without fallout of some type. It’s not actually clear whether you don’t want sex or he doesn’t.

Either way you need to talk to him as soon as you’re able. I have known of so many of my friends announcing to their partners that there will be no more sex. The genuine shock and devastation when the inevitable happens has always baffled me.

I wouldn't be too quick to blame the op for lack of sex.

As I said before men can engineer women into thinking it is their decision.

Don't be scared to speak to him.

If he decides to leave it won't be because you questioned this friendship. It will because it was always on the cards.

I don't mean to be harsh and hopefully he will respect you enough to change this friendship.

You won't be able to stay with him unless you get this out in the open.

I think you are handling this situation very well OP I know if it was me I would have flown off the handle straight away which isn't clever! But I can imagine now you must be really losing your mind over it. I think it's important to remember that when you do confront him he is likely to flip things and make you look like that bad guy for 'snooping' (I can't be sure he will react this way as obviously I don't know him but 9 times out of 10 when people feel cornered they will deflect). Just make sure you keep in mind you are 100% not in the wrong here and he is! It doesn't matter what his excuses are for his behaviour it's not ok and I'm sure he would feel just as angry with you if the shoe was on the other foot.
In my opinion I think he is enjoying the attention but wants nothing more from it. It's a boost to his ego.

I would actually go so far as to protect myself and start gathering bank details, pension details, mortgage bits, car finance, credit card details, etc.... Email all to yourself and go through that when he’s not looking. Check for secret “escape funds”. Check for presents being sent to celebrity crush, etc...

I would gather all of this before speaking to him about what you know, just in case. (Also marriage cert, birth certs, passport, etc. Keep at a friend’s house.)

Sorry!! Wrong thread!

I think it’s very much about being completely open and honest about it all and making him feel assured that he can be honest about his feelings rather than defensive as that’s when you just get bullshit and no answers.
I could be a totally workable situation and if you want to stay together, OP, I really hope that that’s the outcome for you.

I spent ages reading this thread last night trying to work out who this 'celeb' is. Mrs Hinch kept springing to mind. But, regardless of who she is what your husband is doing is wrong, I admire you for holding your tongue for so long. I'd have let rip ages ago.

Hope you are ok and have managed to talk to him.

The celeb doesn't have any kids, Mrs Hinch has a baby.

@ladymuck111

I spent ages reading this thread last night trying to work out who this 'celeb' is. Mrs Hinch kept springing to mind. But, regardless of who she is what your husband is doing is wrong, I admire you for holding your tongue for so long. I'd have let rip ages ago.

Hope you are ok and have managed to talk to him.

Me too, I'm guessing it's not a very well known celeb.

Op any update? Have you spoken to him yet? For what it's worth I'd be pissed off if my dh was doing this. If you turn it round and it were you I'm sure he'd be feeling the same.

I'm guessing Candice brown.
However regardless who it is, I'd not be best happy

I would be gutted. Intimacy on a daily basis with someone he’s never mentioned is a huge part of of his life he’s keeping from you. As others have said ...what if the boot was on the other foot ? How would he feel. Sod apologising for looking at his phone ...if you’ve only just seen it then you clearly haven’t been snooping all these years . Ask him if she knows she’s a secret from you ? If so , she’s not that wholesome ...conversing with a married man to this extent behind his wife’s back 😡 not on.

@DeRigueurMortis

It's bizarre....

I simply can't fathom (a good) reason why he hasn't mentioned her to you before.

I'm somewhat wondering if he's totally compartmented his friendship with her because although he knows he will never be with her (because he's married and also if he perceives her to be punching above his weight) then he wants to keep that separate from you as some sort of secret fantasy?

So he can message/interact with her and secretly think "what if" secure in the knowledge that it won't happen but he does have to justify his "daydreams" about her because you have no knowledge of her.

Tbh I'd cut the cloak and dagger stuff and ask him what the hell is going on.

He'll be pissed off you snooped (they always are) but you only did that because he gave you to grounds to.

If he'd been upfront there would have been no need because when the message popped up you'd have dismissed it as from XYZ famous friend he's known for years rather than think wtf and investigate further.

Truth is at some point you're going to have to tell him you've seen his SM/Messages because otherwise how else will you get to the bottom of this? So why put it off?

Yes I would not go to this extreme even in a friendship with a married man. Sort it before your covid restrictions change and the worrying about him finding out you snooped. Look what he is doing!

You’ve got more patience than me. Good luck OP

What a twat

Oh dear he is clearly enjoying the attention even if his intentions are honourable. I'd be pissed too .

No bloke spends that much time chatting to a woman he doesn't want to stick his dick in.

If the sleb-friend was Mary Beard in the bath, he'd have left it alone a long time ago.