Is he up to something or am I paranoid?

[Pollydaydream]

Hi all,

New poster here, I'll try not to waffle. This is a bit batty but here we go.

I'm married (together 18 years) with 2 young kids. Hubs and I get on well, he's a great dad, we share housework. I've no complaints.

We work opposite shifts. Last week, while he was sleeping, a message pinged on his phone from Instagram. I don't have that app and didn't know he had it. I opened his phone and found a normal looking Instagram account following all his colleagues, friends and family. When I opened the message though, it was from a woman he's never mentioned before. That would be odd enough, but she's actually quite famous yet he's never mentioned knowing her.

I went back through the messages and found they have spoken almost every day for just over a year. The weird thing is they talk about normal stuff,like how they spent their day of what they're making for supper. There's nothing sexual in there, although there have been a few flirty comments. Eg she had joked about posting bikini pics on holiday and he had replied "well I won't be complaining". He also responds to a lot of her instagram story posts with fire or shocked face emojis. Despite that, there is no sexting or dirty talk, but they seem very close.

I looked further and it turns out they've known each other since they were small children, but he has never mentioned her to me. She wasn't at our wedding and she's never sent a Christmas card. They did text each other on Christmas day and she cheers him on with his work challenges. I looked her up on Facebook and her account is locked, but I could see that he's liked every one of her profile pics from the last decade.

I don't know what to think. There are no dirty pics or bad talk and I know they haven't met up (they joke in their messages about it plus she lives over 300 miles away). The only other thing that is off is she seems to have gone through a break up over the last year, but when I googled her it said she's still married. On the face of it it mainly seems like a lovely supportive friendship, but if that's just what it is, why has he never mentioned her?

Do I need to be concerned or are friendships like this normal? Thank you to anyone who can help with a little insight x

@walksonthebeach thank you, I've got to say something this week, I can't take anymore. The kids are at my parents on Thurs so I will have it out with him then. He clearly thinks he's getting away with it, no effort to reign in at all.

OP, you spent weeks talking to strangers online about your DH, you obsessively read his private messages with another person he knew since they were kids. If you were my spouse I wouldn't appreciate it at all.
Why on earth can't you ask him a simple question, I. E. Why are you talking to someone on daily basis and never ever mention her..

Hi OP. I've read all your posts on this and really think that you need to sit down with him and tell him all what you know. The fact that it's been pretty much none stop messaging whilst you have been on nights speaks volumes to me. I think he likes doing this as a form of escapism from day to day mundane life & feels like it's just something for him. The fact that she knows that he is married and yet she thinks it's ok to have constant text conversations with him is so wrong. You can guarantee she wouldn't like it if it were her husband! I think it's a complete betrayal by your husband. He only communicates with her via I.gram cos he thinks it's the safer option. If there was nothing to hide, he would just text her on messenger or Whats app. You seem like a funny, lovely lady and you deserve so much more than this. Get the cards on the table and see what you want to do x

I think you owe it to yourself to say something. Also, give him some chance to explain - which maybe futile I understand.

@iwonder08 you wouldn't appreciate your partner sending hundreds of messages a week to another woman either though would you?

I'm taking my time working on this because my marriage and children's future is at stake. Its not a soap opera with a quick turnaround for everyone's entertainment and support. I've a long marriage at stake here and I think 3 weeks consideration over an 18 year relationship is reasonable, I'm not hot headed and I'm going to get my facts together before I say anything.

Hi @Pollydaydream I’ve named changed for this and just come on to give a bit of perspective

It’s not got the same duration and I doubt it will, but I’ve got a very similar friendship with someone I chat to, also on Instagram.
We chat every day, it’s a bit flirty, we make each other laugh and have good banter.
Every so often I stop and think ‘what is this?’ But it’s just something we’ve fallen into.
We’re both married and have kids, we share mundane details of our lives. We’re both very chatty people. No excuse but I’m not married to someone very chatty.
My marriage is a bit ropey, I think his is fine. He talks warmly of his wife and I know he loves her.
He has a job where he’s on his own a lot with his phone and we sort of pass the time together.
I would not like my husband to see the messages (and I periodically delete the conversation) but at the same time I sort of think we’re just chatting, although I’ll admit there is some sexting sometimes too although it’s kind of jokey if that makes sense.
We would never meet up and I would never cheat on my husband in person.

I think you should tell him you know.

I don’t think it’s a good way forward to be reading all their conversations and not tell him.
I suspect when he knows they’ve been rumbled it would give him a wake up call and they’d stop.

With my friend I feel almost that he struggles to be alone hence the mundane chat whilst he’s at work or at home when his wife’s out. Do yon think that’s the same for your dh?

i admire that you haven't said anything i wouldn't of been able to control myself

i know you want to believe the best but in my opinion he’s having an emotional affair which is the worse kind

trust your gut ....its usually right

get some sleep and you can then make a better judgement

@namechangedforthis101 thank you so much for your perspective, I think that's exactly what's going on. We haven't been intimate in over a year, we work opposing shifts, I don't know if he's lonely within the marriage. I will definitely be discussing it with him but I've held back for so long in case he thinks I'm nuts, or worse, decides he doesn't want to be part of this family any more.

@Pollydaydream when you confront him on Thursday (and I think it very reasonable you are waiting until the kids are not there) then you have to be clear what the issue is and have the evidence for it. Because he is likely to minimise the whole thing. She is just a friend. It means nothing etc. You need to have your points ready calmly as to why it is not acceptable and that he has crossed a line of yours. Otherwise he will potentially gaslight you and make you feel you are going crazy saying it is an issue. Sending

@Pollydaydream you are not nuts. This would be crossing a big line for a lot of women. It crosses a major line for me. Why would I want my husband speaking incessantly to another attractive woman. I wouldn’t. And nor would a lot of women. Set your boundaries and stick to them.

Yes, take screenshots of everything that has annoyed you & that you feel is crossing the line.

Hope everything works out, OP. 💓

I do agree that he's probably been keeping his messages just this side of over-flirty so that he can protest innocence if and when you confront him with them.

You've said you don't want the marriage to end - but what if he refuses to stop communicating with her in this fashion? After all, there's no harm in it is there [quoth he]? Bit of innocent fun with an old mate innit?

What then is your sanction? You really must prepare yourself for this stance and think how you want to respond.

@namedchangedforthis101 - sounds like an emotional affair

@IronNeonClasp I thought exactly the same reading @namedchangedforthis101 post. Emotional affair.

I would be starting the conversation in terms of how would he feel if you were spending hours each day sending messages to another man. 100's of messages each day. How would he feel if you spent hours each day thinking about another man and having an such an intimate relationship with someone that you sent photos of you in the bath and emojis implying that he was hot or him sending them to you.

I would press him on how he would feel. He will obviously know what you are talking about but I wouldn't let him dodge answering that question. Once he has answered, I would ask does he think that it would damage your relationship if you were to have an intimate relationship like that with another man. How would he react and what would he want to do about it? Only after he had answered all those questions would I let him bring her in to it.

I would them let him suggest what he is going to do and how he is going to mend your relationship. He should be under no illusions that what he is doing is damaging to your marriage. His response during your conversation and what he does afterwards will set the tone for the outcome of your marriage.

Keep turning it back around to how would he feel and what would he expect of you if the tables were turned?

He can deny and bluster and try to say that you shouldn't have looked but you did and obviously for good reason. What he cannot deny though is that he is having an intimate relationship with another woman that you knew nothing about. He has hidden it and even lied to you about it when asked. It doesn't make it any better that they have never met. Their relationship is inappropriate and damaging to your marriage and it is up to him now how he responds and whether you accept that he has done enough.

To quote another well known person "there were three people in our marriage".

Er.... yes it possibly is.
I wonder if the dynamics are similar here though.
I suspect my online interactions mean more to me than to him, I’m the one with the ropey marriage. And in OPs case, the other person is single or in a bad relationship.
The guy I chat with - it’s clear he loves his wife, I don’t think he would see what he is doing with me as taking away from that.
It’s a bit of fun and nice for his ego.
Maybe like flirty banter you might have with someone in the office or something. Might be the same for OPs DP.

Not saying it’s right, but just that it’s not always a stepping stone to something else and i think it can be seen as harmless by the person doing it.
Women tend to get more emotionally attached than men I think.

My h did something quite similar OP except with someone who worked for us— didn’t tell
Me that this person was constantly sending him WhatsApp’s and messages— they were not really flirty, more friendly chit chat but it was the sheet quantity and the fact he never mentioned it either that really annoyed me. I first noticed it on the mobile bills and then I’m afraid (not proud of myself) I tracked WhatsApp use via an app that was available at that time and could see the amount he was on it (for someone who very rarely used it) . When it all came out the reason given was that he had no ‘local ‘ friends , was on his own at home in the day (working) and it wAs just something that made him feel a bit less lonely - and I think as someone said above , I think he got off on the ‘secret’ — I’m 100% sure it wasn’t actually an ‘interest’ in the person. Is your partner OP a bit ‘lacking’ in local mates? Or easily impressed and flattered by a bit of ‘celebrity’ — because I do think this could be the reason for this behaviour— it’s not ok at all if it’s secretive and upsetting you— please do have this out and tell him you aren’t ok with it -

@namedchangedforthis101 I don’t want to judge - I am in no position to - I am remarried myself. But maybe that is why I am so intolerant of anything like this second time round. It may seem harmless but how do you think his wife would feel if she saw the messages. You already said you delete them from your husband so clearly they cross a line.

@namedchangedforthis101 I should imagine his wife may have an inckling already, even though you suggest he has a good marriage.

Men tend to have an air of cockiness about them when they hold secrets.

I also think he is manipulating you to think you are gaining more from this 'banter' than he is.

He has his agenda.

OP a year is an awful long time not to be intimate in a marriage

Op, how are you, this intense pressure of keeping things bottled up will do your health no good.

You have already spoken to him and he clearly has not modified his bahavior.

As @yetmorecrap stated, the secret becomes part of the exitement, unless hes's unbelievably cruel and knows you are monitoring him and still doesn't care.

This secret needs to be brought out into daylight.
Only then can any dynamic change. I know you have thought so hard as to the right course of action, as this could be the equivalent of a nuclear bomb in your marriage.

You are about to ask him, "do you choose her or me?"

Wev'e all been there, I hope he chooses you.
Don't pussyfoot arround him with this one, its wrong and his behaviour needs to change.

Are you frightened of him, his reactions at all ?
It may be worth confiding in someone in RL to gain support if he becomes disagreeable.

Some men really don't like to be told their fun has to stop.

And your lack of intamacy obviously coincides with his new found confidence with his 'famous' aquaintance, whose marriage broke down at the same time.

Sorry but he's a overly ambitious, self entitled shithead.

And he thinks he's in with the the in crowd.

Stupid man.