Marriage

[doireallyneedaname]

My partner & I have been together for 5 years. In the beginning I was open about my wishes to eventually marry & have children.

Through out the entirety of our relationship I have watched so many of both his own friends and mine get engaged and I used to get upset about it. Initially he had said it would happen but he was hardly going to talk to me about it. Then slowly it changed ti “I want to save enough money to do something great, you said in the beginning you’d always wanted a great gesture”, to “there’s a lack of trust from you and I want to fix that before we get married” to now “you know Im not fussed for marriage, it doesn’t mean anything.”

His parents never married and have lived very happily so he doesn’t get it. My parents did marry and I come from a family who see it as a big deal, as do I. It just means something to me and i guess it’s the fairytale I’d always dreamed of.

He says having a baby together should prove his commitment. It’s not really about that, although now I’m starting to wonder how committed he really is. I will always explain that if it’s not a huge deal to him but he’s not against it per se, but it’s a big deal to me, why wouldn’t he just do it for me?

My issue is that I don’t talk about it anymore but I also don’t expect a proposal anytime soon, if ever.

Anyone been in a similar situation?

Thought I’d update! He’s agreed to the registry office

Congratulations! A celebratory slice of cake for you

For God's sake OP take the blinkers off, marriage is NOT a fairytale or any of that nonsense. You are an adult not a 4 year old.
Marriage is a legal contract designed to give you and your children security. It isn't happy ever after or a fairytale, or everlasting love or any of the other nonsense we are fed by disney from an early age.
If you have children without marriage you could be dumped one day with absolutely nothing, see the threads on here about it, its an absolute financial disaster having children without marriage should you ever separate.
Your partner needs an ultimatum - marriage or we're finished. Don't hang around waiting for him to go on bended knee.
If he won't marry you he never will and it's time to look for someone else.
Make it plain you will accept nothing else or the relationship is over.

Just saw your update, good for you. i don't see why all the decisions are his though.

@doireallyneedaname

Thought I’d update! He’s agreed to the registry office

Great, sounds positive. Have you booked the notice appointment?

If your not married do not become a SAHM....there is another thread on here where someone did just that and after over 20yrs he has ended it, she has half the house but hasnt worked, has no pension and no entitlement to his or anything else. My OH asked if i wanted to be a SAHM and I was very clear that my answer was no. Perhaps coming from a broken home has made me fiercely indepedent. I have worked fulltime, have progressed in my career and have a good pension.

My OH and i did get married at short notice after 20yrs...he realised that him dying would affect me and the DC financially etc so we did just before major surgery. Getting married is not just a bit of paper

Oops just seen I missed your update! Good news

@doireallyneedaname

Thought I’d update! He’s agreed to the registry office

Congratulations

I did actually consider giving the baby my name and he didn’t have much to say about it. I was the one that said I’d like baby to have his name.

christ almighty 🙄

thank gawd for that update...

Congratulations OP 🌺

Yet another man who sees a baby, an actual human being, is less of a commitment than marriage.

I was with someone who told me he never wanted marriage. I told myself I'd rather have him to live with only than not at all. Even as I said it to someone I was thinking who am I trying to kid? Eventually I left him over something else. At the end of the first date with my next boyfriend I asked if he wanted to get married and have kids as I didn't want to waste another two years. He went white . I said he didn't have to marry me... almost 25 years later we are married with several children.

Never sell yourself and your wishes short. This man is not for you. If he marries you it will always be there that you had to push him into it. It will be a stick to beat you with.

Five years is fine without marriage if both are happy and working towards the same thing. You two aren't. Leave. Especially if you want children. You must have seen the many posts about man says he wants marriage, strings woman along, eventually leaves, is married with baby on the way in no time, original woman too old for kids.

The conversation happened a few hours ago, haven’t done anything just yet! Not sure what’s happening with lock down either so I’ll have a look over the next few days

Can’t say he’s ecstatic about it but he says he’s committed to me 100% so if that’s what needs to happen then so be it. He’s joking about it all now so I’m quite relieved.

Great, don't let the grass grow under your feet - get it done.

Great, don't let the grass grow under your feet - get it done.

definitely 🌺

There is a situation on here where the situation has run to five threads and she was sure he'd be fine with money. A few months later he's moaning about school uniforms and changing access times to limit having to feed his kids.

He's already not who you think he is. He's strung you along. He is not to be trusted.

Wow, change of heart. I hope it works out and you have a long and happy marriage. I'd still be protecting myself and my child though.

Good news, OP. As PP have said - get it booked ASAP - it could be small for now followed by a party later if you so wish.

there's a Thread on here today.. a Mother and partner if 23 years.. they agreed she would SAHM, kids are teens now, he wants her out.. and she is entitled to only 50% of the equity of the house.. nothing else ... she's in despair .. I'll try to find it 🌺

unmarried stay @home mum separation advice please www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4064541-unmarried-stay-home-mum-separation-advice-please#101288811

here it is OP 🌺

Thanks for the update OP. Hope you can get a date booked soon!

Wow, I wasn't expecting that update after reading through the whole thread!

Congratulations @doireallyneedaname, I hope it all works out for you

I find this thread really sad and I'm quite shocked by the number of people saying not to have children unless you're married.
What about women who work full time, have good jobs and are financially independent? It feels very old fashioned to suggest that women need men to look after them and therefore should get married.

It’s not for men to look after them, but to make sure they get their fair share in any split. Unless the woman is the breadwinner and the husband a SAHD

@PutBabyInTheCorner

I find this thread really sad and I'm quite shocked by the number of people saying not to have children unless you're married. What about women who work full time, have good jobs and are financially independent? It feels very old fashioned to suggest that women need men to look after them and therefore should get married.

Women need to be aware that if they choose to reduce their income or become a sahm, they're totally vulnerable unless they're married or have a civil partnership. Fine if you are financially independent and intend to stay that way, and if your partner shoulders his share of the childcare, then marriage may not be for you. Lots of women end up going part-time or otherwise sacrificing their income for the family unit - if that is a choice you're taking, you need those protections.

Why would they not get their fair share? If they both work, pay in to their lives and split things evenly?
Surely it makes more sense to aim to be able to support yourself without relying on someone else?
I've had 3 kids but my partner and I split all our household bills (in fact I probably contribute more as earn more than he does). If we split up why would I not get my 'fair share'?