Marriage

[doireallyneedaname]

My partner & I have been together for 5 years. In the beginning I was open about my wishes to eventually marry & have children.

Through out the entirety of our relationship I have watched so many of both his own friends and mine get engaged and I used to get upset about it. Initially he had said it would happen but he was hardly going to talk to me about it. Then slowly it changed ti “I want to save enough money to do something great, you said in the beginning you’d always wanted a great gesture”, to “there’s a lack of trust from you and I want to fix that before we get married” to now “you know Im not fussed for marriage, it doesn’t mean anything.”

His parents never married and have lived very happily so he doesn’t get it. My parents did marry and I come from a family who see it as a big deal, as do I. It just means something to me and i guess it’s the fairytale I’d always dreamed of.

He says having a baby together should prove his commitment. It’s not really about that, although now I’m starting to wonder how committed he really is. I will always explain that if it’s not a huge deal to him but he’s not against it per se, but it’s a big deal to me, why wouldn’t he just do it for me?

My issue is that I don’t talk about it anymore but I also don’t expect a proposal anytime soon, if ever.

Anyone been in a similar situation?

Hasn’t he already said it’s not a lack of love but of trust? Which seems to be an issue both ways. You used to threaten to leave him which has damaged the trust, and he’s lied to you about wanting to marry you which will have compounded the issue.

You’ve been together 5 years and had a baby and live together, I’m not sure why this would be a difficult conversation?

That speaks volumes!

I was in similar situation and gave him options - Las Vegas, Greta or local venue -

We then set aside money for suit dress flowers and photographer, all sorted and married within 6 weeks.

I think it's important to find out if it's a marriage he doesn't want or a wedding? A friend of mine was in a similar situation. It turned out he didn't want a wedding but was happy to get married. They eloped to Scotland, registry office, 2 witnesses out of the office and came home and announced to everyone they'd got married. He was happy with this as he wanted to get married and have the commitment, but hated the idea of having a wedding and being the centre of attention etc

Well we are very open with each other - I’m only nervous about this conversation because I know his feelings on marriage!

Work full time OP!

I don’t want to put baby in nursery yet so that’s nossible at the moment.

Seriously, you’re not married, you‘re taking a huge personal risk not returning to FT work after mat leave. You can’t afford not to put as much time and effort into your paid work as your partner. For your own and your DC’s sake.

I don’t want to get married for the sake of it, I want to marry him because I love him and that’s how I imagined my life to be
...you imagined yourself to be an unmarried mother?? Cos YOU chose that too...
The baby was planned - we both wanted a baby but the timing was something I was conscious of, he would have waited but I’m 31 and as you know the risks go up with age

So that was all about you as well....it sounds like you make sure everything revolves around you and you're very crafty how you go about doing it.
You're full of excuses as to why you should always get your way and your wants always be prioritised.

He wanted to wait until he was a little older before having children - but you made it all about you and went ahead...didn't give two shits about the 'importance' of marriage then - cos actually marriage was NOT important to you in any way........it's important now cos it's the 'last' thing to cross off your list of the ' picture perfect' fantasy you want to live.

You puished him into becoming a father before he felt ready and now you're ignoring his feelings yet again re marriage - it's all "me, myself and I" with you and you're using lies and emotional manipulation to get your way.

He's right not to want marriage - and he's right about the trust issue on your part - i wouldn't trust you and i can see your games from a computer screen!

My dad would also like to see us get married, in the last few years he’s started to say how he’ll can “die peacefully” knowing I’m married and settled
and there's the emotional manipulation at work again - using your family!
I'm surprised your dad didn't take you to one side when you announced your pregnancy to remind of the 'importance of marriage'.....

Everything that Sharww said!

Wow - I don’t appreciate your (quite frankly) downright rude response. You don’t know me, you have a very limited piece of information. Have a word with yourself.

I just want to point out that I don’t think that you have to follow the traditional road of marriage, kids etc. I don’t have any problem with unmarried mothers and since becoming a mum I’ve got a new found respect for all single mothers out there - I can’t imagine how hard it must be!

I didn’t have the baby so we would “get married” - we had the baby because we wanted a baby.

He doesn't sound 100% in to be honest. That's likely what you are picking up on. He's still hedging his bets waiting to see if the relationship works out. You have a history of poor relationships and think this is the best you can do.

And I'd feel sorry for you but I can't understand why your relationship was a mess and you still went ahead and had a baby. It sounds like you both knew the relationship was volatile but did it anyway. To keep him?

Look, bluntly put: he's auditioning you for the part of wife. He doesn't think you're good enough and that's why he's saying no. You'll likely never pass. The next woman will and he'll probably marry her in six months.

Sorry.

We had a baby because we wanted a family. We are open with one another about the problems in our relationship and have come a long way in our five years together. We do have a good relationship, ups and downs like most couples. I didn’t mean to paint it as something it’s not in my previous posts.

The alternative is a baby in nursery under 1, which I just don’t feel comfortable with. He’s got separation anxiety and with Covid as well it just makes me nervous.

I have been at the same company for almost a decade, if and when I want to go back to full time they would have no problem.

There are childcare options other than nursery, eg childminder, both of you working PT. Unless you return after maternity leave you’re not guaranteed a job later on, you’d be reliant on your former employer’s ability to hire and goodwill. V bad plan not to work FT when you're not married, unless you’re independently wealthy.

Assume your DP works FT, so you’d be the one taking almost all of the risk.

You are deluding yourself @doireallyneedaname the reality is your boyfriend initially said he would marry you, made a lot of excuses to get out of marrying you and now has said he doesn’t want to marry you full stop and you seem to have convinced yourself this lying and changing of minds and refusal to marry you is down to his parents never having married.

You say your relationship is volatile and there are trust issues and you are afraid to have a conversation with him about something which is very important to you (marriage)

You are also planning to make yourself more vulnerable by not going back to work full time.

I don’t know why you brought a baby into this mess.

You said you have been in bad relationships before - just because this one is a bit better doesn’t make it a good relationship

None of what you have described so far is a healthy partnership.

Yes the plan is both of us working part time to be able to look after baby ourselves.

I don’t really know what your comment is meant to help with here. What are you suggesting, that my partner doesn’t want to be with me and that I should take my baby and go!?

I would just sit him down, explain calmly that you have a plan to resolve the marriage issue for good, and then explain how much it will cost to get married at the local registry office with a few witnesses, agree a date and just do it. Now is the perfect time for a small wedding - no excuses needed why you aren’t having a big do! Don’t plead with him, just explain what you want and tell him the logistics - then it’s up to him. If he wants to marry you, now is the time. If he says no to that then you know!

Thank you. That’s what I had in mind too!

Good luck OP!

@doireallyneedaname

Only you know your partner and relationship so don't get bogged down by the strong opinions and hypothesis here.

You do need to sit down and get it sorted though or it will slowly crumble your relationship. I know, I have been you. It took me long enough to finally be brave enough to give the ultimatum, but I knew if I didn't I couldn't stay in the relationship unmarried as it was making me utterly miserable. I know it was easier for me because we didn't have children.

I just stopped asking and waiting and started making plans. Like you he went from wanting marriage early on to "I never want to be married" two years into the relationship 

He told me he wanted to be with me and I told him I wanted to be married. So I set a date and just started planning.

I was surprised at how well it went tbh because before he would literally go in a strop as soon as I mentioned marriage which made it impossible to bring up, so I get you. Once the date was in mind he seemed to relax and got excited with me about it. All very bizarre, but he hates being the centre of attention so making it a small casual wedding was perfect. I was worried he would be an arse about the whole thing and I'd have to drag him down the isle (which btw would have also been the end of us)

Why don't you mention that you would love to be married on the day you two met (or whatever day comes to mind) that's only X months away, I bet if we start planning now we could have a great day. Or ohhh, let's run away and elope on x day... we could surprise everyone when we get home. Just start talking like it's happening. If he kicks and screams you might have to give up the idea of marriage or the idea of being with him.

Whats your game plan next when he just sits there and repeats that he doesn't want to get married?

If you dont end up going back to work even more reason. Don’t be like this lady:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4064541-unmarried-stay-home-mum-separation-advice-please