Husband attacked teenage son

[Throwawaynameforthis]

On Saturday night my husband pinned DS to the floor.

We were playing a family game and DS (14) was being annoying, escalating to rudeness. He accused me of “smacking him” which I absolutely did not do.

I took myself out of the room for a minute and the next thing I hear is H yelling, DD15 shouting at H to stop and DD9 sobbing.

As I walk into room DS is legging it out the house looking terrified, quickly followed by DD. From what I can work out H picked DS up by then lapels and got him on floor and was telling him he’d “show him what a smack is”.

I found DS quickly and then DD and went home. H apologised to the DC but I’m so angry. I don’t know what to do. This has been escalating for months.

Is this it? Is there any recovering from this? For me or the DC?

@Throwawaynameforthis

All of you saying it’s an assault are absolutely right. If he’d done it to someone else then he’d rightly be spending some time with the police.

DS doesn’t want to do family counselling. Doesn’t think there is an issue.

I told H that he needed to speak to someone and fair play he organised it and went yesterday. I haven’t discussed it with him.

Your ds doesn’t want to do family counselling. But your h has seen someone. It sounds to me like MeridianB has nailed it. No one is dealing with your ds’s behaviour. It is not appropriate for a 14 yo to decide whether or not the family needs counselling. It sounds as though it would be beneficial.

Before you split the family apart, I think you and your h both need better tools for handling the situation. I don’t think what your h did was right. But by the sound of it, he didn’t hit your ds. Was he actually intending on doing so or explaining rather forcefully (and not in the best way) what a wanker he is being to his mother?

As for people saying this is throwing a boy under the bus, wouldn’t be acceptable were it a girl. Thing is 14yo boys are usually stronger than their mothers, which is why a father will tend to square up to a son more readily than a daughter. A decent male role model is so important for older teens. Girls included.

All those saying boys need a firm hand and only a father can control them, utter bollocks. The father lost his temper and used force to win an argument. What has that taught the son? If someone doesn’t do as you want shout louder and use force. I cannot believe that there are so many of you suggesting that the only possible way to control boys is to be stronger and more violent than they are. Keep punching them until they stop? Incredible.

OP, your DH was completely in the wrong and he’ll need to go to more than one session of counselling to sort his shit out. Not surprised your son has said everything’s fine. It would take a lot to say “Actually, yeah. What he did was terrifying and it’s really shaken me because he’s my dad and I love him and he scared me. I know my behaviour was wrong but I didn’t know how to deal with it, so counselling would probably help”.

Well of course not - hence starting this thread

Oh, so you have reported the assault to the police?

And removed him from the house?

And you recognise how messed up it is that abuse is so normal in your house that you son doesn't think being assaulted is an issue?

You have a duty to protect your children and you're failing them. Don't sneer at me.

@toxtethOgradyUSA

If anybody wants to know why we have such a serious, ingrained issue with male violence and widespread domestic abuse in our society, all they need to do is read this thread. People are actually defending a grown man pinning a kid to the floor in his own home (where he is supposed to feel safe). I can only assume the same people defending this would turn a blind to/excuse it if it occurs in their own households. I also find it incredible that some women set the bar so low. It seems they will tolerate anything it it means not being single.

I would say it is obvious because lads know they can get away with stuff like this to their mothers and the mothers just leave the room. They have no boundaries and disrespectful bad children grow up into bad adults. What will it take to control the child? being sworn at, ducking out of a flailing fist minor bruising or worse. I would say that todays society issues are because of a lack of discipline in the home. She invited the child to counselling and it just said no, like that should be acceptable well it never would be in my house.

@OhCaptain - Yes I know what happened when I left the room:

DS repeated that I smacked him; H told him not to be ridiculous, there was some further back and forth in similar fashion and H grabbed him and got him on the floor.

DS ran off because he was scared and angry. DD followed because she wanted to check DS was ok.

DS doesn’t want to do family counselling. Doesn’t think there is an issue

He's a child, it's not his decision to make

But by the sound of it, he didn’t hit your ds.

What the fuck. Take a look at yourself making excuses for a child abuser.

You don't have to lay a finger on someone to commit common assault. This was assault.

The people excusing it are as bad as the child abuser being discussed. Shame on all of you.

I think the real issue here is that you and DH do not have a joint strategy for parenting your son. You need to be a united team, and present as such to DS - otherwise he knows he can get away with blue murder with the two of you fighting each other.

Since DH has apologised, and has taken steps to talk to someone regarding anger, you now need to have be more forceful with addressing your son's behaviour, however you BOTH decide is the best way. What would have happened, if your DS had accused you of smacking/assaulting him in front of school or friends - you'd be the one in serious trouble. DH seems to be trying to protect you, but not doing it in a sensible way, so unless you proactively step in to discipline your son, nothing is going to change.

What your DH did was not acceptable, but it has happened now, and unless you really think your DS would be better off without his father, and you would be able to handle DS as a single parent, find a way to work this out with your DH and DS. DS participating in counselling should NOT be optional.

@trashaccount everyone fucks up, including parents. A 14 year old is old enough to know exactly what hes doing, accusing his mom of smacking him? Does he know the consequences of this if he told anyone else this lie? He pushed and pushed until DH snapped, what did he think was going to happen? The behaviour has clearly been going on for a long time, and the OP is just walking away from him and showing no discipline instead of diffusing the situation and giving appropriate punishment.

And for the poster who said that those condoning this behaviour are probably those who will turn a blind eye to it at home. The answer is I'd never put a finger on my DD but I sure as hell wouldnt walk away from her everytime she decided to mouth of at me. She would receive appropriate punishment, and it would be dealt with there and then. Not left to let her get worse until this situation happens!

I have 3 teens. The oldest is a boy.

I totally relate to some of your comments- arrogant, doesn't back down, pain in the arse.

dh is the gentlest most non confrontational person I know, not a violent bone in his body, but he and ds had some humdinger rows when ds was 13-16.
But, if I am honest, ds and I did too.

There were times when we came very close to this, and it was really us working as a team which stopped it. The other parent came in and intervened. Part support of other parent if ds was really out of order, and part standing alongside and being the restraint just by being there.

Dh and I talked long and hard over some things. I am a teacher, and work with families, so I have lots of techniques - in theory. We talked through all the classic teen things like: picking your battles, and with ds, once he got cross, taking a step back and letting his anger go past you and come back to the issue once he has calmed down. Things like choosing 'punishments' and not just throwing - you've lost your phone - into every argument etc etc.

I think some teens are really really hard work. I think that as parents we have to recognise that we need to learn too, and that we get some things wrong. Decide as a couple where your lines in the sand are with ds, and make them as flexible as you can. eg for us, ds being violent towards his younger siblings was a line in the sand.

talk to dh. If he is upset with his own behaviour, that tells you that there is a way forward. Then seek out some family support in how to respond when your ds is being awful. As part of that, sit down with ds, dh needs to apologise for the violence, and reassure ds that that is not happening again.

@Wherehavetheteletubbiesgone

The fact that OP's DH is willing to hurt a member of his family that he supposedly loves, may easily mean OP's DS hurts his partner or children in the future as that behaviour has been normalised since childhood. Violence often breeds violence.

I would say it is obvious because lads know they can get away with stuff like this to their mothers and the mothers just leave the room. They have no boundaries and disrespectful bad children grow up into bad adults. What will it take to control the child? being sworn at, ducking out of a flailing fist minor bruising or worse. I would say that todays society issues are because of a lack of discipline in the home.

DS(15) wouldn't and I wouldn't leave the room. Discipline doesn't have to be physical assault / violence.

@MonicaBelulaGellar Yep, accusing his mum of smacking him was wrong and needs to be dealt with (through communication, and HEALTHY punishment if absolutely necessary).

"He pushed and pushed until DH snapped, what did you think was going to happen?" This is EXACTLY what abusers say to their victims. You kept pushing me, what was I supposed to do?

He assaulted your DS. Social services and police would be interested. I can only hope either DS or DD mentions it to a teacher.

@trashaccount are you know insinuating I am an abuser? Or was you using that for an example?

You need to get your whole family into family counselling.

Your DH needs to learn how to control his temper and to realise the actual extent of what he's done.

You both need to learn how to parent your DS. What is going to happen next time your DS and DH clash? Ignoring your DS's behaviour isn't going to work - he'll turn into an entitled gobshite who'll end up getting smart-mouthed with the wrong person in a pub sometime. Your DH reacting the same isn't acceptable. And there is the massive risk that your DS will get physical to get in first - which is also not acceptable.

The fear your girls felt needs to be talked through properly and they also, importantly, need to see that you do not find your DH's behaviour acceptable. Do not teach them that this is what they should accept from a man.

Also, just because the kids have forgiven your DH doesn't mean you have too. This would be a relationship ender for me. There is no excuse to get physical like that with a child.

Do not underestimate the impact of this on your children. I can still remember, very clearly, the first time I saw my father get physical with my brother. I was much younger than 9 or 15. There were hundreds and hundreds of violent incidents after that one, but I still remember that one with complete clarity - the shock, the fear, what everyone was wearing, smells. Everything. This will stick in your children's minds.

@MonicaBelulaGellar I'm saying that that strain of logic is exactly what abusers say to their victims. I have no idea of your personal life, but I wanted to let you know that that mentality is siding with abusers.

A lot of people are saying it's not that bad, but I think it is. I don't think you should stay with someone who's been violent to your son, keeping your children in that environment.

What are the other behaviours your husband has displayed? You said there was an escalation of his behaviour?

@MonicaBelulaGellar @trashaccount was using it as an example. It's what ex used to say to me before a hiding.

@iklboo Exactly. I'm sorry for what you experienced though, from one survivor to another. Hope you're healing x

No way would I stand for that, our DS’s are 19 & 17, never once has DH raised a hand to them, he wouldn’t dream of it regardless of the circumstances.

I would insist on family counselling or couple counselling with a focus on providing a united front.

I’m taking on board all the comments.

Counselling is an interesting one: I’ve offered it rather than demanded it as I didn’t think the issues with DS behaviour were significant enough to warrant a demand and there seems little point in dragging a reluctant teenage boy into something that he didn’t feel would be beneficial.

He is arrogant and argumentative and spends too much time (IMO) on his computer but he does exceptionally well at school, both academically and behaviour wise. He has naice friends; plays sport inside and out of school (when it was possible) and is self motivated.

He’ll make dinner with a bit of cajoling and stick a load of washing in without too much complaint. So on the whole although he answers back and argues black is white I’ve treated his obnoxiousness as fairly standard teen behaviour.

But I will revisit the issue of family counselling.

Thank you. You too @trashaccount x

What happened was shocking, and whilst loosing your temper with your child can never be condoned, I do agree with those saying teens can test the patience of angels. My own parents would resort to htting on very rare occasions, and whilst it isn't acceptable by today's standards, it certainly didn't damage me or my relationship now. Crap analogy, but what happened was primal - the young testosterone fueled youngster pushing the boundaries with the alfa, who promptly put him in his place, he didn't hit him or hurt him. The youngster goes off to sulk / lick his wounds. Your DH needs a better way to deal with his temper, your DS needs to learn manners, as a family you at least need a sit down discussion about what happened, but I don't think LTB is the way forward.