Husband attacked teenage son

[Throwawaynameforthis]

On Saturday night my husband pinned DS to the floor.

We were playing a family game and DS (14) was being annoying, escalating to rudeness. He accused me of “smacking him” which I absolutely did not do.

I took myself out of the room for a minute and the next thing I hear is H yelling, DD15 shouting at H to stop and DD9 sobbing.

As I walk into room DS is legging it out the house looking terrified, quickly followed by DD. From what I can work out H picked DS up by then lapels and got him on floor and was telling him he’d “show him what a smack is”.

I found DS quickly and then DD and went home. H apologised to the DC but I’m so angry. I don’t know what to do. This has been escalating for months.

Is this it? Is there any recovering from this? For me or the DC?

@Nandakanda

"Snowflake" boys (a ridiculous statement in itself) are always better off than abused ones.

So it seems instead of parenting the OP simply left the room. That could explain why the child is so obnoxious and arrogant. She left her Husband to parent instead of looking to discipline the child herself. It looks like the OP has a parenting issue here.

@MonicaBelulaGellar Disrespect in no way validates abuse!

@Throwawaynameforthis

All of you saying it’s an assault are absolutely right. If he’d done it to someone else then he’d rightly be spending some time with the police.

DS doesn’t want to do family counselling. Doesn’t think there is an issue.

I told H that he needed to speak to someone and fair play he organised it and went yesterday. I haven’t discussed it with him.

Why is your DS under the impression it's optional?

He needs it pointing out that this could bring SS into your lives if it ever gets mentioned by your DD at school (and silencing her is not an option) so for the sake of the whole family you all have to deal with it properly.

But I'm also wondering if a family game when your eldest is 14, is an unnecessary pressure cooker

@ShadyBansheeThing you might be right . Although ironically it wasn’t the board game that raised tensions it was a discussion on politics - Probably also to be avoided with teenagers!!

@ChaChaCha2012

Your husband needs to leave the house. Letting him remain there is putting your children at risk of serious harm.

This. He cannot be trusted.

Sounds like my cousin and his dad years ago. They get on very well now, they just used to wind each other up.

OP, well done for seeing it for what it is. Please ignore all of the posters who are condoning abuse.

It's good that he has at least agreed to seek help. If you're going to stay, I hope that you manage to work through it. Please keep your children safe.

@Wherehavetheteletubbiesgone do you have teenagers?!

I left the room because the sensible thing to do was to diffuse the situation. There wasn’t any discipline to be meted out beyond telling him to stop being absurd. Which I had done.

If anybody wants to know why we have such a serious, ingrained issue with male violence and widespread domestic abuse in our society, all they need to do is read this thread.
People are actually defending a grown man pinning a kid to the floor in his own home (where he is supposed to feel safe). I can only assume the same people defending this would turn a blind to/excuse it if it occurs in their own households.
I also find it incredible that some women set the bar so low. It seems they will tolerate anything it it means not being single.

I used to be a vile little shit & constantly gave my Parents bad attitude & hell. My dad did this to me on a few occasions when I really pushed him to the limit. I deserved it. We get on great now. Didn’t do me any harm. All depends on the context I think. If you don’t agree with it and don’t want it to happen again, you need to speak to your Husband and make it known you will never accept this again. Make it crystal clear.

DS is not so D!
He might not want to do family counselling but he needs to. He might not think it's an issue but he's not in charge. He needs to learn his boundaries within the household. How do most parents deal when sons start trying to rule the roost?

He accused you of smacking him. What consequences were there for this?

Your husband needs help with his anger. He lost his temper. He needs to learn how to deal with teenage behaviour better.

@LaBellina

Do what my DM neglected to do for me and get your children out of this situation. They will hate him. And very possibly start hating you too if you did nothing to protect them and thus enabled your abusive DH. I'll never forgive my DM and started hating her even more after I became a mum. Your DC deserve a safe home. It's their best chance of growing up into stable adulthood. The best thing to do isn't always the same as the easiest thing to do.

I agree.

I know several adults who left home and went NC with both the adult who did the abuse and the one who failed to protect them.

If a man pinned his wife to the floor because of something she said I doubt anyone would be saying it was needed to discipline her.

DS and the girls seem fine. I’ve spoken to them all and they’re all shrugging it off

I’d be really worried by that. It suggests they see it as nothing bad and part of life.

www.gov.uk/report-child-abuse

Have a conversation with your son about what he wants to happen. As difficult as it is, your loyalty must remain with your kids as top priority - you know this wasn't acceptable, nor did it constitute "punishment".

Let's be fair, many of us got a walloping as a child on occasion. No harm done
I hate this position. Clear survivor bias. Because you were ok afterwards then everyone else should be too? I guess those that aren’t are weak or deserved it.

The abuse I suffered from my parents was much worse then being being pinned to the ground. Doesn’t mean I think this was ok.

OP in your shoes I’d be giving your DH a warning that this is absolutely not to happen again and if he ever gets physical with any of the children again he is to leave.

In your shoes I would give him a second chance but not a third.

This has been escalating for months

Then you need to step up and stop it escalating further.

He needs to leave the house and the relationship.

Your kids come first, your DD is nine and after months of escalation (presumably causing household tension) your partner has gotten physical with your son in front of her and scared her to the point she was sobbing.

Letting him stay is letting them down, sorry.

Hhmmm risking going against everyone else, it sounds like your DH was pushed and defending you after DS accused you of smacked him. Not excusing this behaviour though. Your DSs behaviour and attitude needs addressing too, neither you or your DH should have to put up with that.

My Dad once beat my DB up, he wasn’t a violent man and very very patient, his own dad was violent, he never wanted to be like that, but had been pushed to the limit by my DB. There was lots and lots leading up to it. My DB was about 17 at the time. My DB has never blamed Dad in fact he has said on many occasions he can’t believe Dad didn’t do it sooner as he (DB) was a shit and needed a wake up call. My Dad DB were very close after and I could not even describe the respect my DB had for my Dad.

I’m certainly not saying violence is the solution but I think that a lack of discipline in society isn’t acceptable, teenagers are allowed to kickoff and do what they want, but as soon as an adult looses it, they are in the wrong.

I’d personally be talking to your DH to find out what happened after you left the room and see if he is ok, as he may be hating himself for his own reaction. And coming up with a way of dealing with your DSs behaviour before things get that bad again.

Surely between Saturday and now you've found out what happened when you left the room?

Why did your DD run away?

Why did your DH suddenly launch himself at your DS?

Were they already sitting on the floor when it happened or did he body slam him or something?

FWIW I do think DH is taking positive steps to addressing it. That will come in handy if DC tell anyone at school and it's flagged to social services...

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

DS and the girls seem fine. I’ve spoken to them all and they’re all shrugging it off

I’d be really worried by that. It suggests they see it as nothing bad and part of life.

This. It isn't normal and their reaction implies this is a 'natural' escalation of behaviour they've come to see as normal.

Unhealthy and unfair.

@trashaccount seriously??? Let's just fill this world with arrogant, disrespectful little shits because if they push a parent to snap with their constant nad mouthing, tearing parents down and blatant disrespect its "child abuse". You're ridiculous. They need help parenting not reporting!!!!!!!

** bad mouthing

The Husbands actions were poor here - he lost control and that is not good example at all....however, you and DH need to step up and start parenting your teen OP, teach him self regulation and how to deal with his emotions, and other people, you could start with “your dad acted very badly” and a sincere apology from dad, then explain that sometimes people do get pushed to their limit, and the best way to deal with it is not to assault people !

If you don’t nip his attitude in the bud in a few years he will find himself getting into arguments he wont back down from and it will not end well- in social life and work.

[quote MonicaBelulaGellar]@trashaccount seriously??? Let's just fill this world with arrogant, disrespectful little shits because if they push a parent to snap with their constant nad mouthing, tearing parents down and blatant disrespect its "child abuse". You're ridiculous. They need help parenting not reporting!!!!!!![/quote]
@MonicaBelulaGellar

Children under no circumstances should be abused.

There is absolutely no excuse, no level of anger and no justification for "discipline" that means a child should be abused (or that we should defend abusers). He is 14, he is a child. If someone witnessed this, Social Services may have been knocking on the door.
I gave OP a resource in case reporting her husband is what she wants to do for her safety and her childrens'.

You need to parent your child together, sounds like your husband was driven to the brink. Why is your son like this? Are your daughters similar in personality? If not was your son treated differently, spoilt or allowed to get away with more than your daughters?