Husband attacked teenage son

[Throwawaynameforthis]

On Saturday night my husband pinned DS to the floor.

We were playing a family game and DS (14) was being annoying, escalating to rudeness. He accused me of “smacking him” which I absolutely did not do.

I took myself out of the room for a minute and the next thing I hear is H yelling, DD15 shouting at H to stop and DD9 sobbing.

As I walk into room DS is legging it out the house looking terrified, quickly followed by DD. From what I can work out H picked DS up by then lapels and got him on floor and was telling him he’d “show him what a smack is”.

I found DS quickly and then DD and went home. H apologised to the DC but I’m so angry. I don’t know what to do. This has been escalating for months.

Is this it? Is there any recovering from this? For me or the DC?

Let's be fair, many of us got a walloping as a child on occasion. No harm done.

Well, no harm done other than becoming adults who condone child abuse.

@iklboo Yep!

Abuse is not a consequence, it is abuse.

@BadDucks

I have a 15 year old ds he can also be obnoxious and arrogant and has also clashed badly with H. It’s not an issue anymore as I am ending my marriage and H is Disney dad of the year. I don’t tolerate rudeness but I don’t engage in arguments with ds either. I just quietly remove his Xbox (his entire life and social life basically) and take it to my work office where it stays until DS can come to me with an apology and willingness to have a civil conversation. There is usually two days of whining and tantrums and when am I getting it back. My response is always “when you figure it out” and that’s my only response. By day 3 he is usually slinking in shamed faced and “I know I was out of order” and what usually follows is a really long chat about what’s going on in his life, what’s bugging him or things he’s anxious about and for a little while my lovely son is back. Until the obnoxious version rocks up again!

You sound like an amazing mum, I hope I'm like this when my DD is older x

I think some of these responses would be very different if it was the 15 year old dd being pinned to the floor and threatened.

How is showing violence to our sons meant to help them grow in to men who don’t use violence against women (along with the “well you pushed me to do it excuse” you hear so much in domestic violence situations)

Violence breeds violence it does not teach respect and boundaries

There are clearly issues here but it would seem it hasn't escalated to the point where your dH has actually assaulted your DS? I am not condoning his actions and I think k unless you act now things will get worse. Your DS and DH needs to go to some sort of anger management/counselling so they can work through things and hopefully develop a better relationship. Would they agree to that and could you afford to pay for it?

@Raingbatsandfrogs is right. A boy of 14 should have learnt boundaries, you admit he is a little shit, perhaps he needs to learn consequences. Your DH also needs to learn to curb his temper, but everyone has a breaking point. Had your kids been much younger, then yes, I agree with what PP have said, but 14? If humans could always behave in a calm collected rational way then the world would be a much better place, but they can't.

In no way do I think it’s ok to pin a child on the floor and threaten them...

However, I’m going to say that you CAN come back from this. Like other pps have said this is quite common. It’s certainly happened in my family amongst males. When a younger one has hit a nerve with an older one for whatever reason. It’s a really crap way of dealing with things. But it does happen. But by all means your DH deserves a massive bollocking. Your DS needs to feel safe.

The defining thing here is that it is absolutely a one off and doesn’t happen again.

Again, I’m not saying it’s right at all. The main thing is that your DCs and yourself are safe.

I think whether you stay with your husband or not family counselling could be really helpful for you and your children? Relate do good family counselling and young peoples counselling too and are doing online counselling at the moment

@AlexaShutUp

Perhaps your son has leant not to push boundaries, if he’s recovered from this so can you

Seriously? Do you generally recommend assault as a means of helping children learn?

It has worked fine via the medium of smacking for centuries. That said it is always a last resort. A 14 year old lad that can shout down their mother is well on the road to being able to physically assault her and effectively render her unable to discipline him. I know it's not PC but it why father figures are so important to boys especially late teens. They can enforce the rules on behalf of their partners.

I have seen this lots how boys would play up to their mother because they know full well they could put her in hospital for taking away their Xbox. However if Dad is there it's amazing how things suddenly calm down (often not needing to take the Xbox away because they know that there is now a reasonable chance of force being able to be used)

@ILoveAllRainbowsx

Your H did not hurt him. Your son needs to be taught a lesson or he will get worse and think that he is untouchable.

Your H did the right thing and he also apologised for over-reacting. If he had hurt your son things would be different but he did not.

You should be grateful to your H, and you need to support him otherwise your son will not respect you or your H.

This is actively horrible. "Taught a lesson" is NOT abused and threatened. By pinning him to the ground and making him run out of the house in fear, he hurt him.

"You should be grateful to your H"? Are you fucking kidding? What about if her husband pins her to the ground and does the same thing? Should she be "grateful" for getting taught a lesson?

All of you saying it’s an assault are absolutely right. If he’d done it to someone else then he’d rightly be spending some time with the police.

DS doesn’t want to do family counselling. Doesn’t think there is an issue.

I told H that he needed to speak to someone and fair play he organised it and went yesterday. I haven’t discussed it with him.

@BadDucks

I have a 15 year old ds he can also be obnoxious and arrogant and has also clashed badly with H. It’s not an issue anymore as I am ending my marriage and H is Disney dad of the year. I don’t tolerate rudeness but I don’t engage in arguments with ds either. I just quietly remove his Xbox (his entire life and social life basically) and take it to my work office where it stays until DS can come to me with an apology and willingness to have a civil conversation. There is usually two days of whining and tantrums and when am I getting it back. My response is always “when you figure it out” and that’s my only response. By day 3 he is usually slinking in shamed faced and “I know I was out of order” and what usually follows is a really long chat about what’s going on in his life, what’s bugging him or things he’s anxious about and for a little while my lovely son is back. Until the obnoxious version rocks up again!

This.

Yes, your DH was very wrong and you need to address that with him. But if you always tend to walk away from DS when he's rude, and DH just gets angry then does the bad behaviour ever get dealt with? Are there any consequences for DS and support for managing his poor behaviour?

@Throwawaynameforthis - your dh definitely needs help with his anger management. Tbh, though, it sounds like both you and your dh could do with some support and advice on how to deal with your ds’ behaviour appropriately. Maybe you avoid conflict and back down too easily rather than deal with unacceptable behaviour, and your dh can’t control his temper, leading to a rather confusing double act where the less you stand up for yourself when you should, the more inappropriately angry your dh gets.

Thank you @MonicaBelulaGellar don’t get me wrong I could chew my own arm off trying not to lose my shit some days but I know behind his horrible behaviour there is also a lot of anxiety.

I’m lucky that he worships his Xbox I guess and I know it’s an effective way to get his attention!

@Wherehavetheteletubbiesgone

A 14 year old lad that can shout down their mother is well on the road to being able to physically assault her and effectively render her unable to discipline him.

And where do you think abusive sons get the idea that they can beat their mothers? It's not an idea that comes from nowhere. Violence is often made, not born.

Sounds as if your son needs taking in hand.His bad behaviour has consequences.

All the people on here saying get your husband to leave!!! Unbelievable.

Your son is the problem and it will get worse,not better.

Sorry but I am on your husband’s side,you are massively over-reacting.Take your son and put boundaries in place,he sounds horrendous.

Many families have these sorts of dramas,they don’t come posting it on MN,just to get the idiotic responses common on here.

Hides thread.

It happens, your DS pushed and pushed by the sounds of things. I'm not condoning your DH behaviour, but he wasnt the first and he won't be the last. Maybe its taught your DS a lesson? I'm sure hes ashamed of himself but understand your son is old enough to know what hes doing. He knows hes wrong and he keeps doing it and doing it. You can't just walk away from a situation where your DH and DS are getting heated I'm afraid. Your DS needs to learn respect, and your DH needs to learn not to lose his temper.

@user147425843578

I love DS dearly but he can be obnoxious and arrogant

So it's ok for your husband to abuse and assault him then? How do you think you would start behaving if you were a child growing up in a home being abused and attacked by your parent? Might you not become resentful and start arguing your corner each time you were picked at?

Your husband is a child abuser.

Am i missing the bit where she says this has happened before and that this is the reason ds is resentful and argumentative?

Your H did the right thing

I've heard it all now.

It's really no wonder that the country is in such a state when the standard of parenting is so low.

Abuse and loss of self-control is never an effective or appropriate form of discipline.

I love DS dearly but he can be obnoxious and arrogant

So it's ok for your husband to abuse and assault him then?

Well of course not - hence starting this thread

@Throwawaynameforthis Your son was assaulted, and in my book you have to let him be the one to decide what happens with the family. But if your DH is unwilling to do counselling and can't control his anger then he is NOT safe to be around you or your children.

I'm always the first to argue against the usual response of "LTB" when it's unnecessary, but this is truly necessary. I'm so upset that this thread is normalising assault.

Your H needs to know that if it happens again, then you will call the police and he will be removed from the house. He's had his chance.

No matter what the provocation from your DS, your H is the adult and has to control his anger, and must not allow himself to be physically aggressive.

@trashaccount she wasnt shouting her mouth off, accusing her mother of hitting her and being damn right disrespectful! The son is old enough to know better.