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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband attacked teenage son

440 replies

Throwawaynameforthis · 27/10/2020 13:58

On Saturday night my husband pinned DS to the floor.

We were playing a family game and DS (14) was being annoying, escalating to rudeness. He accused me of “smacking him” which I absolutely did not do.

I took myself out of the room for a minute and the next thing I hear is H yelling, DD15 shouting at H to stop and DD9 sobbing.

As I walk into room DS is legging it out the house looking terrified, quickly followed by DD. From what I can work out H picked DS up by then lapels and got him on floor and was telling him he’d “show him what a smack is”.

I found DS quickly and then DD and went home. H apologised to the DC but I’m so angry. I don’t know what to do. This has been escalating for months.

Is this it? Is there any recovering from this? For me or the DC?

OP posts:
newnameforthis123 · 27/10/2020 17:20

From what I can work out H picked DS up by then lapels and got him on floor and was telling him he’d “show him what a smack is”.

And he explicitly threatened to hit him.

Original poster
Throwawaynameforthis · 27/10/2020 17:20

@MonicaBelulaGellar

But she doesnt handle the situation does she? She walks away

There was nothing to “handle”. If I’d stayed DS would have kept trying to rile me until I bit and shouted at him/sent him to his room. By going out to the loo I was giving him time to take a breath and reverse himself out of the corner he’d backed himself into.

OP posts:
AmelieTaylor · 27/10/2020 17:21

@Throwawaynameforthis

All of you saying it’s an assault are absolutely right. If he’d done it to someone else then he’d rightly be spending some time with the police.

DS doesn’t want to do family counselling. Doesn’t think there is an issue.

I told H that he needed to speak to someone and fair play he organised it and went yesterday. I haven’t discussed it with him.

DH lost his temper, that's something that can't happen again.

However, DS needed telling & it sounds like he needs to have a firmer approach than he's been getting. He's 14 & thinking he can treat you as he likes is not going to do any of you any favours.

Kicking your DH out is probably the worst thing you could do at this stage of DS's life. He needs to be taught how to behave as a young man/adult. His Dad should be a role model (which means controlling his temper & treating everyone well, but not letting DS treat everyone else badly/rudely). Making him a 'part time Dad' & giving DS the impression he is more important than his Dad and now the 'man of the house' would be a big mistake.

But you do need to talk to your DH & make sure he gets the help he needs to stay calm in the face of DS being an obnoxious little git - being able to discipline him, without losing it.

Lots of teenagers love to play 'board games' with their families, they're not all down the park swigging cider and even some of the ones doing that want to do both.

Politics... teenagers can be idealistic and don't always understand the consequences of political bots/decisions & that can be frustrating, but we need to realise we were pretty much all that naive once.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 27/10/2020 17:21

[quote Throwawaynameforthis]**@thelmber* Do you think the OPs habit of dealing with her sons bad behaviour and attitude by just 'walking away' won't have possibly had a bigger impact?*

I’ve been on MN long enough to know that I’d be told I was failing to protect my DC and to LTB but I wasn’t expecting to be blamed for walking away Confused

I’d love to know what the more appropriate response would have been Hmm[/quote]
I have three teenage sons (I know, lucky me!) and one of them sounds very similar to yours. He is very bright and gets excellent grades, but he does have an insatiable need to be right. He can be the most argumentative and arrogant child you can imagine. I find that once he gets going, he isn't really arguing, he is trying to prove the other person wrong. He hears nothing except his own rightness.

Walking away is absolutely the right thing in this situation. You can't reason with my son when he is like that, you just have to leave the room. Once he has nobody to "win" against, he simmers down quickly.

All four of my sons will occasionally "square up" to their father. This is usually because they feel he is being unfair to me (he isn't, generally, but they are very protective) and once or twice he responded in a way which was physically aggressive. I didn't tolerate it then and if he was pinning one of them to the floor I would have made him leave for sure (maybe not permanently, but until I was satisfied that whatever counselling he sought had made sure it would never happen again).

iklboo · 27/10/2020 17:21

What do people think SS would do? I'd be very surprised if they took any action, bearing in mind the child is 15.

Do they grow out of needing child protection?

'Well, we're worried about your 9 year old but the 15 year old can fend for themselves?'

Hamm87 · 27/10/2020 17:22

Two have 2 major issues your ds lying and behaviour at home and your hs anger, your h needs to get anger help ASAP and your son needs discipline and you cant stick your head in the clouds and walk away from every situation

trashaccount · 27/10/2020 17:23

@iklboo Especially as DS isn't 15, he's 14

blueangel19 · 27/10/2020 17:23

OMG! How awful. So sorry for your kids.

Original poster
Throwawaynameforthis · 27/10/2020 17:24

Jeez @TheImber could you stop blaming me for everything?!

I challenge my DS on his behaviour plenty of times. I just don’t feel the need to pin him to the floor to do so Hmm

OP posts:
TheImber · 27/10/2020 17:24

[quote trashaccount]@TheImber OP went to the toilet, when the situation didn't seem severe. I agree she potentially could have done something differently, but her husband's bad behaviour is in no way her fault. He made the choice on his own (which I would consider abusive) when there was no danger or immediate risk.[/quote]
I think if we want to punish every parent who has made the wrong decision in the heat of the moment, I'm willing to bet that every single parent, including every poster on this thread would have been investigated by the police or social services at some point in their life.

OPs husband didn't hurt the boy and has apologised. I'm more interested in how it has come to this as the OP has stated that its uncharacteristic.

alloutofducks · 27/10/2020 17:25

Could I just also add a further thought.

If a woman posted on here that her partner had pinned her to the ground and said "I'll show you what a smack is", the advice would generally be to LTB.

There would be a lot of people saying that if he's done it once, he'll do it again.

Why are people excusing it?

It is in his favour that he's seeking counselling, and that he accepts responsibility. However, the acid test comes when he's provoked again. Only the OP can judge whether she is willing to risk that.

At the moment, the OP is able to leave the room to go to the loo. By the time I left XH, I couldn't do that for fear of what would happen in my absence.

Original poster
Throwawaynameforthis · 27/10/2020 17:25

@Walkaround thanks for that feedback - it makes a lot of sense.

Also to other posters who have given considered responses to the trials and tribulations of parenting teenagers. It is appreciated and I’m reading every word. Even though I’m getting myself sucked into responding to the criticism.

OP posts:
billysboy · 27/10/2020 17:26

My Dad used to beat the shit out of me several times when I was a teenager ( mid 80s )
I left home when I was 16 , my mum and sister supported him and I was told what a pita I was
Lost my Mum to cancer a few years later and then reconciled with Dad and keep a working relationship with my sister
I have had a recent diagnosis as ADD which has been a real eye opener for me and has explained so much ,
Lost my Dad a couple of years ago and felt glad we reconciled but look back in sadness at how unnecessary it all was
My sister still thinks it was my fault for antagonising things , I just feel it is not acceptable for a grown man to beat up or be violent towards any child
OP I think your DH needs to sit on the wall and remember to keep his eye on the prize and maintain respect and friendship with his kids

trashaccount · 27/10/2020 17:26

@TheImber Her children are at at risk, if he makes the "wrong decisions" in the heat of the moment. If the "wrong decisions" constitute abuse then he cannot be trusted.

iklboo · 27/10/2020 17:27

I think if we want to punish every parent who has made the wrong decision in the heat of the moment, I'm willing to bet that every single parent, including every poster on this thread would have been investigated by the police or social services at some point in their life.

Not even remotely true.

OhCaptain · 27/10/2020 17:30

@Throwawaynameforthis it was me who asked about his insistence that you were hitting him.

Perhaps wrongly, I'm imaging that you were all sitting on the floor? So the pinning to the floor thing, while still not ok, isn't as serious as if dh had been standing and thrown him to the floor.

I think a PP has the right of it. DS seems ok, as does DD. (Still not sure how you had to pick her up in a different place to DS if she followed him out but no matter.)

DH apologised, appears genuinely sorry, and has voluntarily sought expert help.

I don't think this sounds like an unsalvageable situation. I really don't.

TheImber · 27/10/2020 17:30

@iklboo

I think if we want to punish every parent who has made the wrong decision in the heat of the moment, I'm willing to bet that every single parent, including every poster on this thread would have been investigated by the police or social services at some point in their life.

Not even remotely true.

Sure Jan. Hmm
trashaccount · 27/10/2020 17:31

@TheImber Are you saying you'd be investigated by police or Social Services?

Bluntness100 · 27/10/2020 17:33

I think if we want to punish every parent who has made the wrong decision in the heat of the moment, I'm willing to bet that every single parent, including every poster on this thread would have been investigated by the police or social services at some point in their life

Genuinely no. And I wouldn’t make the same assumption as you, which leads me to believe that you feel you were doing things to your children that would have been of interest to the police and social services?

justanotherneighinparadise · 27/10/2020 17:33

All of this stuff needs relevant context. To be honest if a woman purposely goaded a man over and over again during an argument and wouldn’t let it lie then I also wouldn’t be at all surprised if that level of provocation led to an escalation that could become physical. I would advise LTB because those relationships tend to be volatile and are no good to no one.

Would I think the woman was totally innocent and lay the full blame at the mans door? No I wouldn’t. Everyone needs to take responsibility for their actions here. The teenager needs to understand that if he does the same to someone unhinged he’s going to get a beating. The husband needs to understand that his behaviour was unacceptable and that they need to find new ways to deal with insubordination and disrespect. The OP also needs to take responsibility for how she handled herself in the situation and also how the son has been parented in the past to think his conduct was okay.

There is no point in screaming LTB and blasting a family apart before help has been sought and conversations have been had. Life is just more nuanced than that.

MJMG2015 · 27/10/2020 17:34

I cross posted with several of your posts.

Honestly, it was a perfectly normal family situation & is in general (dishwasher etc). DS pushed his luck too far & his Dad lost it.
DH needs to be able to speak to DS firmly, DS will grow up & become less obnoxious.

DH needs to be able to control his temper, but also shape DS into a decent adult.

It's not easy, but he's getting help & I don't think there's anything to be gained by you continuing to be angry with him.

iklboogeymum · 27/10/2020 17:34

Really @TheImber - am I on your personal Truman Show where you've monitored all my life? What do you think I might have done to warrant police or social services intervention in my upbringing of my son? Don't judge everyone by your standards.

Greektome · 27/10/2020 17:34

Realistically, what do you think SS will do if they're told what happened? Do you think they'll remove the DS and put him in a children's home, or foster him out? In my opinion they absolutely won't. And OP wouldn't want them to, and nor would DS. That might well wreck his life.
It's possible the DH would be prosecuted, though I very much doubt it.
Informing SS would add more stress to the situation, and wouldn't help in any way.
And yes, there's a difference between a 14 year old boy and a young child. Of course there is.

trashaccount · 27/10/2020 17:34

@justanotherneighinparadise
To be honest if a woman purposely goaded a man over and over again during an argument and wouldn’t let it lie then I also wouldn’t be at all surprised if that level of provocation led to an escalation that could become physical.

"Goading" entails what exactly? There is nothing in the world any of my family could do that would "goad" me into abusing them.

Bluntness100 · 27/10/2020 17:35

[quote trashaccount]@TheImber Are you saying you'd be investigated by police or Social Services?[/quote]
I think that’s what the poster is saying yes and they think every home is in such a way that the police or social services would need to investigate if they found out.