Slept with 'brother in law'

[YellowLellow]

SIL got a new boyfriend just before lockdown in March, I knew his name was 'Tom' (it's not but equally as common a name) but nothing else. The first time we saw her after lockdown I asked about him in front of her and DH, genuinely interested and happy for her. That night I got home and checked her Facebook friends just out of curiosity and felt absolutely fucking sick when I realised it was a guy I'd slept with before. I still haven't mentioned it to her or DH, hoping it would go away and they'd break up (I know that's cruel) but I just didn't want to deal with it. The second time I saw her I was so anxious he'd turn up and DH kept asking me what was wrong and I pretended I was feeling sick. I didn't ask her about him once the whole day and actively didn't participate in any conversations they had that involved his name. Thankfully he wasn't there.

DH has since met him twice, I bailed at the last minute both times pretending I wasn't well. DH went down again yesterday to visit her and his mum, and he came back chuffed to bits saying that SIL is pregnant and they're engaged.

What do I do? Is this not as big a deal as it is in my head? I'm so anxious I could throw up every time I think about it, which is pretty constant. The ONS was in 2012, it was ages ago, but the thing is not only is it horrific to have slept with my future brother in law, the night is a really bad memory for me. It was the only one night stand I have ever had where I'd met them that night and didn't know them, and it really affected me. I had just got out of a long term relationship and it just felt so wrong, he stopped at one point and said he didn't want to continue if I wasn't into it at which point I apologised and said I was, and went with it. For years after I wished I'd stopped at that point. I got home and showered about 7 times and felt really low for weeks. I don't blame him, he checked on me, but it was just a bad experience for me and I don't want to be faced with it.

I'm really torn. DH knows about all my serious relationships, we've never gone into details of casual things besides me telling him that I had one ONS and hated it so much I'd never do it again. I just can't believe it's such a small world and such shoddy luck that it's this guy.

This is long and rambly and embarrassing to post but I feel like everyone's going to hate me and I don't know how to handle it.

[Givemeabreak88]

Well if people on here think this isn’t a big deal then they obviously have a much more colourful past than me!

[Addicted2LoveIsland]

They dont know you snooped so they wont know you've known this whole time. Go meet him and do the whole "you look very familiar" gag and go from there. If he says no you're Scott free. Take it from there.

[jessstan1]

@Givemeabreak88

I’m more amazed by how many people think this isn’t a big deal. It absolutely IS a big deal. How awkward.

It is so not a big deal. It was years ago, a one night stand, he probably won't even recognise the op and if he does, he'll pretend not to. She needs to do the same. Has nobody here ever bumped into someone they slept with?

I don't think it makes any difference that this guy is sister in law's latest boyfriend. Once he and the op have met again, as if it is the first time, she will feel more relaxed and put it to the back of her mind.

[WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants]

I'm sorry the ONS was a bad night for you. He sounds like a decent enough guy though.

I know the night was a big deal for you & you feel you made a bit of a shoe of yourself, but you were only 18. 8 years on I'd be surprised if he recognised you (frankly I don't think I'd recognise any of my ONS, or even the guy I was talking to LD & went to stay with at his for a week. Don't take it personally).

I think you have the power to make this very uncomfortable or just make like you've never seen him before.

You're definitely over thinking it.

[jessstan1]

It is not at all uncommon for people who have the same circle of friends, with members leaving and adding others, for some to have slept with more than one of them; everyone knows but they don't worry about it because it is in the past.

[Palavah]

Are you getting any help for your anxiety? It' sounds as though you are much much more bothered about this than anyone else is going to be.

[Sunflower1970]

I wouldn’t breathe a word and I’m usually an honest person. Your SIL is really happy and pregnant, your husband is building a relationship with this guy and it will just cause awkwardness. It was a meaningless shag 8 years ago ( I know it’s affected you). Meet him and get it over with and if you’re still overwhelmed then that is the time to tell your hubby they you’ve met him before ..... there is another option... you could meet him and say you’re sure you’ve seen him somewhere before and leave it at that. He probably won’t even recognize you

[lovelemoncurd]

I think you should talk to your DH about it. Immediately that will give you strength to face the situation. Stop trying to deny, hide and ignore. You won't be able to and it will make you ill.

[cruellada]

Oh OP that is rotten luck and I can tell that you're really worried about this.

Personally I think the way you approach this will lead how others react. If you make this a huge deal it will set the tone for it being a big deal.

I think you should calmly tell DP and together come up with a way to broach this together.

You have done nothing wrong.

[HoppingPavlova]

I think you should calmly tell DP and together come up with a way to broach this together.

Broach what with whom? What if it is brought forward and the guy completely denies it because he genuinely doesn’t remember it. The OP will then look unhinged. I’m guessing the sister will choose to believe the new partner (too inconvenient otherwise) and it will give OP’s husband pause as well wondering if OP has the right guy! It all seems super risky.