Slept with 'brother in law'

[YellowLellow]

SIL got a new boyfriend just before lockdown in March, I knew his name was 'Tom' (it's not but equally as common a name) but nothing else. The first time we saw her after lockdown I asked about him in front of her and DH, genuinely interested and happy for her. That night I got home and checked her Facebook friends just out of curiosity and felt absolutely fucking sick when I realised it was a guy I'd slept with before. I still haven't mentioned it to her or DH, hoping it would go away and they'd break up (I know that's cruel) but I just didn't want to deal with it. The second time I saw her I was so anxious he'd turn up and DH kept asking me what was wrong and I pretended I was feeling sick. I didn't ask her about him once the whole day and actively didn't participate in any conversations they had that involved his name. Thankfully he wasn't there.

DH has since met him twice, I bailed at the last minute both times pretending I wasn't well. DH went down again yesterday to visit her and his mum, and he came back chuffed to bits saying that SIL is pregnant and they're engaged.

What do I do? Is this not as big a deal as it is in my head? I'm so anxious I could throw up every time I think about it, which is pretty constant. The ONS was in 2012, it was ages ago, but the thing is not only is it horrific to have slept with my future brother in law, the night is a really bad memory for me. It was the only one night stand I have ever had where I'd met them that night and didn't know them, and it really affected me. I had just got out of a long term relationship and it just felt so wrong, he stopped at one point and said he didn't want to continue if I wasn't into it at which point I apologised and said I was, and went with it. For years after I wished I'd stopped at that point. I got home and showered about 7 times and felt really low for weeks. I don't blame him, he checked on me, but it was just a bad experience for me and I don't want to be faced with it.

I'm really torn. DH knows about all my serious relationships, we've never gone into details of casual things besides me telling him that I had one ONS and hated it so much I'd never do it again. I just can't believe it's such a small world and such shoddy luck that it's this guy.

This is long and rambly and embarrassing to post but I feel like everyone's going to hate me and I don't know how to handle it.

@ClementineWoolysocks

Oh, and you didn't sleep with your brother in law. Stop thinking that right away.

Absolutely! I’m really sorry the ONS was such a bad experience, but for future peace of mind you need to forget it.

@Sunnydaysstillhere

Just fake it. Treat him like a brand new acquaintance and deny ever meeting him.

This. He's hardly likely to say anything and jeopardise his relationship with your SIL.

You're 25 now so you were around 17 when you had a ONS. I think this makes it even less relevant. He really won't care. If I was SIL I would prefer not to know

OP, this will eat you up if you don't bring it out into the open. You can't lie to your DH forever.

Tell your DP, say you feel awkward then broach it together.

Well, i can see two ways fwd here..

1. Pretend you have never met him before, keep it light, no big deal.

1. Go and find your DH right now and either tell him or show him the your post. Decide together on the best course of action for his sister.

Just to be clear, you have done absolutely nothing wrong. Anxiety is an absolute bitch though, I can empathise with how tied up in knots you must feel right now.
I think, if it were me (as I also have anxiety) I would have to go with option 2. I couldn't have it hanging over me.

Hey, you never know, this might help you to finally face your feelings around the ONS and put it behind you.

Tell your DH as I assume you met after this. You have nothing to be ashamed of.

Don’t say anything, just pretend you don’t recognise him/never met him before.

Chances are he won’t remember you.

Can’t really think how it could ‘come out’ in the future?

No need to make any kind of issue about it now

I was 18 at the time. I know it sounds juvenile but it wasn't. I'd been with the same guy almost constantly since I was 12. It wasn't some stupid teen break up and subsequent one night stand it felt like my whole world had collapsed. I'm long since over the childhood boyfriend but I just struggle with that night. I can't believe the shitty luck of it all

It’s not the fact that you have slept with him that is causing you to react this way, it is the circumstances and how it made you feel at the time.

Your husband and sil probably won’t think it’s that big a deal. The bloke probably won’t remember and even if he does, again it’s not a big deal for him.

But it was a bug thing for you and you have a hugely emotional response to it at the time, which you are reliving now.

I would talk to my husband, exPlain how I am feeling. Think though why it impacted you so much at the time.

I think you can mention it to your DH when you meet this guy. Not details - just “oh - we’ve met I think - just a one nighter years ago!” Or you could even do it casually one night whilst watching tv and scrolling through Facebook (tonight?) and say “oh is this SILs new man? Omg I think we slept together years ago! That’s awkward! Hopefully he won’t remember!” Your DH will probably just roll his eyes and laugh and keep any feelings of slight annoyance/jealousy to himself! As you would in he same situation right?
The details: the crying/regret/half way through stopping are NOTHING to do with your DH and he really doesn’t need to know. That level of detail really WOULD make this awkward. He doesn’t need to know. FWIW loads and loads of people have regrettable sexual experiences that they look back on with a bit of anxiety from time to time. ONS can be grotty and regrettable especially if you aren’t in the right mental space for them, but that was on the past and it’s really not a part of your present.

I am also betting he has no clue who you are from 8 years ago.

You’re right. It is shitty luck. But you didn’t do anything wrong and have nothing to be ashamed of.

This is affecting you so badly because there were other emotions tied up in it for you. Could you tell your DH so he can support you?

I probably wouldn’t say anything to your SIL or her new bloke, unless he does.

I've had a couple or so one night stands and I'm not sure I'd recognise them if they walked into my local chances are he's the same. I mean this kindly
but I think you're over thinking it, just tell your DH and move on, it doesn't need to be a big deal unless you make it one.

tell your dh but style it out when you meet him like you dont even remember him

if he ends up remembering just say oh was that you!

Totally understand how awkward you must feel but in all honesty I would just act like you’ve never seen him before in ur life. Even if for some bizarre reason he brings it up just flat out deny all knowledge of the ONS or him. Just be breezy and casual ! Chances are he won’t even remember u and even if he does it’s unlikely he will bring it up

Say nothing, act like you have never met him.

No need for any awkward conversations with your husband or SIL, don't make it weird.

Like others have said, it's likely he won't even recognise you.

I wouldn't recognise some of my ONS's if you put them in a line up (misspent youth)

SIL is so happy and if I come clean it'll ruin it and DH will be awkward around him

This is your imagination, you have no idea how your SIL will react. If it were me and my SIL had a ONS with my partner almost a decade ago (and no contact since), I don't reckon I'd care at all.

Personally, in your situation, I wouldn't be able to pretend I didn't know the person. But likewise, I wouldn't be in a rush to tell SIL as 'Tom' might not even remember you. I'd just wait and see how 'Tom' deals with it. I'd also probably tell DH that you are pretty sure you had a ONS with this guy years ago and you're not sure what to do about it. Neither you nor 'Tom' have done anything wrong. It's just an unfortunate series of events so I don't see why it'll become a big deal.

Also, as someone else said... you absolutely did not sleep with your BIL or even future BIL. That implies a whole different series of events!

The chances are, this bloke won't want to bring it up either.

But I'd speak to your DH if he's a kind and supportive man, and tell him how you're feeling. He already knows about the ONS and how you feel about it, so he should be able to support you?

No chance I’d remember a ons from 8 years previously. Just act like you don’t know him. Even if he remembers you if he’s sensible he will take his cue from you. Best to let the past stay there sometimes!

Not quite the same.
However,My partner is very close to his friends family,known them for years etc..
When we first got together I found out that his friends sister was married to a guy I had a brief fling with years earlier.
Been in their company once or twice now.
We both just smiled and said " Hello"

@WhySoSensitive

It’s barely an issue. If he’s now engaged to your sister and shes pregnant I’d imagine he’s at least seen pictures of her family... ie you. It’s not an issue for him. You’re reading too much into it.

This.

If he's been in your SIL's house and your PIL's house and on your SIL's facebook then he'll have seen photos of you.

You're overthinking it because ti was a bad time for you.

I don’t really know why you’re turning it into this massive drama.

I get it was a shit night best forgotten, and you’d rather not see him again. But from everyone else’s POV it was a drunken teen ONS nearly 10 years ago.

It may be a big deal to you but it’s a massive so what to everyone else.

Oh, you poor thing. I have no advice to give, but lots of sympathy.

Share with your DH. Explain everything and make a plan together about how to deal with it. Be a team.