Slept with 'brother in law'

[YellowLellow]

SIL got a new boyfriend just before lockdown in March, I knew his name was 'Tom' (it's not but equally as common a name) but nothing else. The first time we saw her after lockdown I asked about him in front of her and DH, genuinely interested and happy for her. That night I got home and checked her Facebook friends just out of curiosity and felt absolutely fucking sick when I realised it was a guy I'd slept with before. I still haven't mentioned it to her or DH, hoping it would go away and they'd break up (I know that's cruel) but I just didn't want to deal with it. The second time I saw her I was so anxious he'd turn up and DH kept asking me what was wrong and I pretended I was feeling sick. I didn't ask her about him once the whole day and actively didn't participate in any conversations they had that involved his name. Thankfully he wasn't there.

DH has since met him twice, I bailed at the last minute both times pretending I wasn't well. DH went down again yesterday to visit her and his mum, and he came back chuffed to bits saying that SIL is pregnant and they're engaged.

What do I do? Is this not as big a deal as it is in my head? I'm so anxious I could throw up every time I think about it, which is pretty constant. The ONS was in 2012, it was ages ago, but the thing is not only is it horrific to have slept with my future brother in law, the night is a really bad memory for me. It was the only one night stand I have ever had where I'd met them that night and didn't know them, and it really affected me. I had just got out of a long term relationship and it just felt so wrong, he stopped at one point and said he didn't want to continue if I wasn't into it at which point I apologised and said I was, and went with it. For years after I wished I'd stopped at that point. I got home and showered about 7 times and felt really low for weeks. I don't blame him, he checked on me, but it was just a bad experience for me and I don't want to be faced with it.

I'm really torn. DH knows about all my serious relationships, we've never gone into details of casual things besides me telling him that I had one ONS and hated it so much I'd never do it again. I just can't believe it's such a small world and such shoddy luck that it's this guy.

This is long and rambly and embarrassing to post but I feel like everyone's going to hate me and I don't know how to handle it.

I'd tell my partner no question. But it was a one night stand a long time ago. Shouldn't be an issue. I'm more worried by your trauma over it. Sounds pretty serious. Maybe get counselling for that. To my fella it would not be an issue, does that feel true for you or are you scared about people's reactions? I wish you well.

Be honest with your DH. Don’t hide anything or you will start to feel guilty that he doesn’t know etc when you have to meet up. He is going to feel like a mug when he finds out and knows that you knew all along.
Tell him, and make sure he knows you felt really uncomfortable when you found out and didn’t know what to do for the best.
You can both work out together if you are going to tell SIL

It seems like it’s really eating you up, so if it was me I would tell my OH. You’ve done nothing wrong and can explain how anxious you’ve been feeling. Then if it were me I’d probably tell my sis but skim over the details a bit. It feels like a huge thing to you now, but even if they stay together it will feel normal at some point.

I’m sorry it was a bad experience for you and I understand why it would feel unpleasant having the man back in your life. However... you are over reacting. In the normal adult world these things happen. You both just pretend like it didn’t happen and move on. He’s not your brother in law and even if he does become that it doesn’t really matter. Everyone has a past it’s nothing to be ashamed of.

@JayAlfredPrufrock

The OP has mentioned her age on another thread, maybe PP advance searched 🤷🏾‍♀️

I think I’d just deny I ever met him op!

What an uncomfortable situation for you to be in but you’ve done nothing wrong

@JayAlfredPrufrock @Changedmyname26

The OP said it happened in 2012 when she was 18

So sorry the ONS has affected you so much. Release it.

And from an outsiders’ viewpoint, the whole thing isn’t a big deal, and it was ages ago, so I’d try and forget this and not turn it into a big drama, of you can.

Sending lots of love

The longer you leave it the bigger it will get in your mind and the worse you will feel - just be honest with your DH. He'll help you find a way to cope with any future meetings.

Another vote for being honest with your DH. It’s eating you up and stressing you out, you will feel so much better when you’ve shared the load. You and DH can then decide what to do next together.

Seems completely normal to me to feel this way, a lot of people on here are obviously more liberal about this sort of thing than me, rather least pretending to be so. If they found out their brothers new fiance was a ONS of your husbands, and they'd need to sit and make small talk about their baby together while knowing they'd been with the father of their own children and all that perhaps they'd feel different. In your position OP I'd have told you DH straight away, you've done nothing wrong at all but I'm all about being open in relationships. It would be up to your DH or they guy to tell SIL because that isnt your job. Again you've done nothing wrong. Try not to beat yourself up. It might be a bit much to assume be won't remember, most people, even single men who do it regularly, dont have so many ONS's that they've no recollection of who they were with. If your DH is in any way angry with you then hes not a good man, but you dont suggest he would be, just that hed be awkward around the guy which is justified, and only you know if hed prefer you to tell him.

I would just leave it and pretend not to remember if he ever brought it up, which he probably won't.

I have to agree... he likely won't recall ... plus its not in anyones interests to bring this up right 🌺

@KunekuneKristmasCake

Just tell him the guy looks a lot like a ons you had - then go from there

This ^ 100%

First of all : you did absolutely nothing wrong whatsoever! Unfortunately it was a bad experience for you due to your feelings about break-up before.

It may really really not be him, as people change over 8 years, or it might be him. People on photos can look very similar.

Because there is a 50/50 chance that it may not be him, as you've only seen photos, not heard his voice etc in real life, I would say to DH what KunekuneKristmasCake said above. Because that is the absolute truth : you think it is him, it may not. You are not obliged at all to tell him of course, but I think it will hang over you if you don't.

It is very unlucky if it does turn out to be him, but you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of and did nothing wrong. I personally would only mention it to DH, not to future BIL or SIL (I strongly suspect future BIL won't say anything either, if it even is him or if he even remembers).

I only say tell DH for your own piece of mind, and so that he can understand your behavior and be your ally.

Good luck

I wonder if the op's husband has never met anyone she slept with before she met him.

I wouldn't bother saying anything, I doubt the guy will. I can imagine saying to my husband, "Bimey, I slept with him once years ago!", and him replying, "Well, don't tell my sister".

Most of us have been round the block a few times before settling down.

These types of messy things do happen OP. You are not alone. And you certainly didn't do anything wrong. As others have said, everyone has a past.

For me:

• I'd be careful to never get in to a situation where I told lies. Personally I always tell the truth, there are consequences, but I've been honest

If it is really* bothering you that much, then I'd tell DH. It would be very strange if it comes up many years later

It's complicated for sure, but wish you the best!

It is something you could never have foreseen. Don't be hard on yourself.

Also, in reality there is only so much you can do. Part of it depends on your BIL and the type of person he is. You'll have no control over what he does/says, and (all going well) he'll be part of your family circle for decades to come.

The only think you have control of if what happens with DH. I would certainly tell DH something like that. Why? Because I think he'd like to know.

@YellowLellow, Nobody could possible predict something like that. Things we do can have unplanned consequences later, but that can't stop us from living now. No reasonable person could have an issue with what you describe, that's life!

I think it is very interesting that you state in your post "he stopped at one point and said he didn't want to continue if I wasn't into it" ... that suggests that he is sensitive, aware, caring, etc, ... and if so he'll be a great person in your extended family circle, and is likely to be very discrete.

Thinking more, on a personal level, and from personal experience, how I felt with depend on what I did/happened exactly. For me if it were a quick fumble/shag with nothing much for me ... versus a night of passion, several orgasms, doing all kinds of other stuff ... I might feel different (again I have a specific personal example from my own life in mind)

We all have pasts. Ideally you and BIL have moved on, you'll never give a thought to it, bygones.

With respect to about what happened...that could actually make a difference. After college graduation, I slept with a classmate, hard but tiny and thin! First time end on entry, all of about 2 seconds. Second time an hour later 3 strokes. We work in the same industry, and occasionally see each other at events. He always avoids me, and that's a shame because he is a nice guy.

@magicstar1

She didn't say her age at the time of ONS until after PP mentioned she was 17, OP then corrected and said she was 18. I'm not questioning anything, just suggesting how PP might have known OP's age.

Making this much more dramatic than it is.
Pretend you don't know him.
There is no benefit to tell anyone.
Deal with your anxiety as it's over the top for something so small.

I would tell DH, it's not like you did anything wrong and he's probably wondering what's wrong with you. Then forget and move on.

I can't believe how many people think it's OK to just cover it up and pretend it didn't happen

I’m more amazed by how many people think this isn’t a big deal. It absolutely IS a big deal. How awkward.

But it probably isn’t a big deal. I think it would be far more awkward for the OP to air it and the guy look blankly (let’s face it after 8/12 years, whatever it was, and likely how knows how many one night stands later) and go ‘eeerrrhh, are you sure, I don’t recall, did you have the same hair colour/length back then because I don’t remember that, are you sure, where did you say we met?’ is a fucktonne more embarrassing. I’d just go with pretending it didn’t happen. Reckon there is over 50% chance he really wouldn’t remember anyway and if he does he will likely be grateful to play along given the situation of new pregnant girlfriend who happens to be the sister.

Whatever you do DO NOT say anything!! If you do the whole thing could all blow up - DH upset and SIL upset - and then future BIL might be completely baffled if he does not remember you which he probably doesn't.

Who knows what he's told SIL about his sexual history - he might have told her that he'd never had any one night stands - then if you fess up he could just deny it. Awful!

Definitely style it out. Just act like you've never met him before and he is a complete stranger to you - he is so unlikely to say anything even if he does remember you.